


I'm Only Sleeping

by Simaril



Series: I'm Only Sleeping [1]
Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Bella/Jasper Friendship, Brain Surgery, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Edward/Bella, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Procedures, Minor Character Death, Morse Code, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Violent Jacob Black, newborn army - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-02-28
Packaged: 2021-02-27 06:20:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 41
Words: 107,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22332547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Simaril/pseuds/Simaril
Summary: One second's loss of control and all is ruined. Trapped in her own body Bella needs to find a way to make herself heard. A tale of love, loss and family. Jasper/Bella Friendship. Eventual Edward/Bella.Winner of an Emerging Swan Award.Beta'd by Snarkymuch and Gredelina1Pre-read by Arrr
Relationships: Alice Cullen/Jasper Hale, Carlisle Cullen/Esme Cullen, Edward Cullen/Bella Swan, Emmett Cullen/Rosalie Hale, Jasper Hale & Bella Swan
Series: I'm Only Sleeping [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1607539
Comments: 195
Kudos: 253





	1. Prologue - The End

**Bella POV**

Jake was driving me home after a day spent in La Push. It had been a good day, his cheerful chatter as we walked along the beach kept the hole in my chest at bay and while I knew it would return once I was alone again, for now I was content.

He pulled the Rabbit to a stop in front of the house. I opened the door and turned to ask if he was going to stay for dinner, but the words froze on my lips.

Something was wrong, something was _very_ wrong. His entire demeanor had changed, his nostrils flaring and his hands shaking. The tremors spread from his hands to his whole frame. I had seen this before, the day Paul lost control and launched himself at me. Jacob had saved me that day, but there was no one to help me now.

“Jacob, what’s wrong?” I asked, touching his shaking arm. He flinched away from me, and turned to me with an expression I had never seen on his face before. It was beyond anger, it was pure rage.

“Have you got something to tell me, Bella?” He asked, speaking though gritted teeth.

I was baffled, I had no secrets from him now. What could have happened in the last minute to change him from My Jacob, to this furious man. And he was a man now, his fury had removed all traces of boyishness from his face. For the first time since I had met him, I was scared. 

“Which one is it, your leech lover or one of his coven?”

 _The Cullens!_ The thought shot through my mind and the hole in my chest reopened. It throbbed and burned, but for the first time I welcomed it. Could they be here? Could _he_ be here?

Jacob was glaring at me, impatiently awaiting my response. I needed to calm him down, if he phased in the car I would be crushed. The image of Emily’s ravaged face swam before me. Sam only lost control for a second, but it was enough.

“I don’t know what you are talking about,” I said calmly, although in truth I felt anything but.

“Don’t lie to me,” he growled. “I can smell them. Have you been meeting with them behind my back? Using me for entertainment while they are sleeping the day away in their coffins?”

Despite my fear I couldn’t help the stab of annoyance at this. He knew very well that the coffins were a myth, but his hatred for them was so ingrained he clung to any negative aspect he could.

“If there is a vampire here, I don’t know who it is.” I battled with myself to remain in control. I had already had my hopes dashed once in the meadow when I saw Laurent. He was dead now, the pack had seen to that, but he was not there for himself, he had been doing a favor for Victoria. It could be her. A shiver of fear ran through me.

I was about to share my theory but Jacob had got out of the car and was heading to the front door, taking the key from the alcove, he unlocked it and entered the house. His nostrils were still flaring like a dog that had caught a scent. I fought back a wave of hysterical laughter; in a way that’s exactly what he was.

Moving slowly I climbed out of the car and approached the house. I couldn’t see him anywhere, nor any sign of my vampire visitor.

Just then he came thundering down the stairs, his expression twisted with fury. “The scent is all over your bedroom,” he said. “It’s your leech isn’t it? He has been here.”

“No, Jacob, I swear, whoever has been here I haven’t seen them. It could have been Victoria.”

“Stop lying! I know _her_ scent. We have been tracking her for weeks, trying to protect you,” he snarled. “Risking _our_ lives to keep _you_ safe. Is that why you have been hiding them? They’re too scared to face the redhead, so they got us to do it for them?”

There was no reasoning with him now, I knew that much. The tremors were racking his body and it was only a matter of time before he lost control. Just then I heard the sounds of Charlie’s cruiser pulling into the driveway and my fear shot up a notch. He _couldn’t_ see this. If he saw, if he knew… The thought left terror in its wake.

Jacob seemed oblivious to Charlie’s arrival. He had his eyes closed and he seemed to battling for control.

“Jacob,” I said softly. “Charlie is here, you need to leave.”

“You want me to leave, why is your leech hiding out there somewhere, waiting for me to leave? You use me for protection, toying with my emotions, but keep your leech for the real relationship?”

His words stung, and I automatically defended myself. “I have made it clear from the beginning that I was only ever your friend. You’re my best friend Jacob, but nothing more.”

“Nothing more? After all I’ve done for you, I thought we were getting somewhere. Now I know better, you were never open to me because still had your leech on the side.”

I was saved from responding by Charlie’s arrival. He came in and shrugged his jacket off and hung his holster on the coat rack.

He seemed not to notice Jacob’s tense stance. “Hey kids, you had a good day? Hope you’ve got something good planned for dinner Bells, I’m…” He trailed off catching sight of Jacob. “Jacob, what’s wrong. You don’t look so good. You sick? You want me to call Billy?”

He reached for the phone, but Jacob stepped in his path. “Did you know too Charlie? Did you know what she was doing?”

“Know what? Jacob I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but you need to calm down kid. I’m going to call Billy and we’ll get you to a doctor.”

“I DON’T NEED A DOCTOR.” He bellowed. “I NEED YOU TO TELL ME IF YOU KNEW SHE WAS MEETING HER LEECH BEHIND MY BACK!”

Oh crap, now he’d done it.

“Her what?”

“Her leech, _Edward,”_ he sneered the name. “He’s been here. I can smell him.”

Charlie looked bewildered by this and moved toward the phone again. Before he could reach for it Jacob snatched it from the wall and crushed it like it was made of glass.

“Jacob!” Charlie looked stunned. “Now I don’t know what’s going on here, but you need to leave. You can come back when you’re calmer.”

“Calmer,” Jacob chuckled. “I am perfectly in control.”

Though he apparently believed his words the tremors showed different.

“Jake, you need to get some air, talk to Sam, he’ll be able to help.”

“I DON’T NEED HELP,” he roared, but in that moment he lost control. With a violent tremor he phased. His clothes fell in tatters around the kitchen but they didn’t hold my attention. Charlie had stepped forward and Jacob swiped a paw, catching him across the chest.

Charlie looked down at the gaping wound with a curious expression, even as his knees buckled and he fell to the floor.

“Dad! Oh God Dad,” I cried, dropping to his side and looking around for something to staunch the bleeding. It was hopeless, the wound was too great and his skin was already an ashy grey. “Hang on Dad.”

His eyes locked with mine and his expression was no longer curious, he looked betrayed.

His voice was a weak whisper, but I heard it anyway. “You knew. You always knew.”

With that he took a last rasping breath and was still. I looked at the shell that had once been my living breathing father and rage filled me. I no longer cared about the risk to myself, I had killed my father as surely as if I had put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger myself.

“You killed him.” My voice was calm and steady despite the tumult of emotions inside of me. “You killed my father.”

He couldn’t speak in his wolf form, but his eyes were able to convey the message clearly. ‘Not me, but you. You did this to us both.’

I lost control and launched myself at him, across the body of my father, I beat at him with my fists. “You killed him. You killed him!” My rage was making my words indistinguishable, but I continued to beat at him regardless. The deep hole of despair and rage inside of me needed to be vented and I didn’t even care that my feeble punches probably felt like a the brush of a moth’s wings against him.

It didn’t matter though, Jacob had reached his limit. With another careless swipe of a massive paw he brushed me away.

I fell to the floor gasping for breath. There was no pain, but I felt wetness pooling from my chest, onto the floor. I struggled to breath, but still there was no pain. _Adrenaline_ I thought disjointedly. My pulse was pounding in my ears but I could hear it slowing.

 _So this is how it will happen._ I thought.

I heard the sounds of running footsteps and someone held something to my chest. I wanted to tell them not to bother, it was okay, I was ready, but I couldn’t form words. I battled with my sluggish eyelids and forced them open. Jared was leaning over me pressing a towel to my wound. His mouth was moving but I couldn’t hear the words above the rushing of my pulse in my ears.

I looked to the side and saw Sam holding back a struggling Jacob; whether to stop him from finishing the job, or to give comfort, I didn’t know. But nor did I care, everything was fading, even the sound of my heart.

There was one clear sound however. A familiar and wonderful voice.

_“Hang on Bella, fight it, fight the darkness.”_

Hold on, but why? I was ready after all. The angel had come for me.

Edward. He was always my angel and now he had come to fetch me to heaven. I smiled and went into the darkness willingly.

I was ready.


	2. To Know Her Is To Love Her

**Jasper POV**

I was sitting in the lounge of our Ithaca home reading a book with Alice sitting beside me. She was sketching. She had barely begun, but from the vague pencil strokes I could see already I knew who the finished portrait would depict. Bella. It was always Bella these days.

The whole family was preoccupied with thoughts of her, though none of us ever discussed it. Her name was taboo amongst us, it was an unwritten rule that we all followed, even Rosalie.

We all tried to distract ourselves from the pain of her absence by immersing ourselves in new projects. Alice had switched from sketching clothing designs to sketching portraits. Esme had her interior design, Carlisle had his work at the hospital and guest lecturing at the college, and Emmett was teaching himself to cook. As for me, I had my constant battle for control of my bloodlust.

Each of these projects brought us back to Bella. Alice sketched portrait after portrait of her face. Esme had decided to create a guest bedroom for visitors, she had one visitor in mind though as the room quickly became a montage to Bella. Everything from the furnishings to the color scheme was designed with her in mind. The bookshelves were stacked with her favorite books, the bathroom was even stocked with her brand of shampoo.

For all Emmett’s blathering about helping others and ‘doing his bit’ – he delivered the food he had cooked to the emergency shelter – we all knew it was another connection to Bella he was unwilling to relinquish. She had challenged him to learn to cook once and he had laughed her off, the exchange had more meaning for him now. Rosalie had grown impatient with him and had taken to spending more time alone in the garage working on the cars.

I had dedicated myself to perfecting my control. I worked with Carlisle to build up my resistance, we started by having an open container of blood in the room – he raided the blood bank at work – and gradually increased my proximity. I had reached the point that I could hold the container and keep my control, but I was leery of Carlisle’s latest suggestion of actually having the blood smeared on my lips. It seemed too much like tempting fate to me. I was sure that I had only progressed this far because of Bella. Every time I felt the temptation to dive on the cup of blood her scared face swam before my eyes. I have few memories of my almost attack on her, I was too far gone in the haze of bloodlust to remember much, but her face as I was dragged out the door was clear, she was terrified.

The scratching of Alice’s pencil halted and I turned to look at her. Her face was blank and her eyes glazed. She was seeing something beyond the lounge and judging by her emotions it wasn’t something good.

I suspected it was Edward, she had seen a few visions of him when he first left. She was waiting for the moment he decided to return to Bella, we all were, but as time passed the visions stopped. He had either found a way to avoid her sight or he had ceased making decisions altogether. That had worried her, and she had not spoken of it to Esme or Carlisle, they had been with him the longest and were both having difficulty dealing with his absence.

Whatever it was she was seeing was distressing her considerably, the only thing I could think of to make her feel this much despair was if Edward had decided to go to the Volturi. I knew he had considered it when James had lured Bella to the ballet studio, and I wondered if he had given into the despair the absence of his mate caused.

She came back to the present with a muffled cry, her emotions were a crippling mess of shock and horror.

The sound of her cry brought Esme from the guest room and Emmett from the kitchen. Only Rosalie and Carlisle were absent, Carlisle was at work and Rosalie was in the garage behind the house, she would not have heard Alice’s cry from that distance.

“Alice, what is it?” I asked. Pulling her into my lap and comforting her as best I could.

“Bella.”

The effect of that one word was instant. Esme clapped a hand to her mouth and Emmett shot around the couch to squat in front of us both.

“What about her?” he asked. “What’s happened to her?” He gripped her arm with such force Alice flinched.

I growled and pushed his hand away. “You hurt her again Emmett and I’ll–“

He cut me off with a growl. “Screw that, what’s wrong with Bella, Alice?”

Esme called Rosalie in and her look of irritation faded as she caught sight of us all crowded around Alice.

“What’s happened?” she asked frantically. “Is it Edward?”

“Bella,” Alice said. It seemed she was still too engulfed in the horror of whatever it was she had seen that she was unable to say more.

“What about her? She fall over again? We can’t go running back to Forks every time she grazes a knee, Alice. Why were you looking anyway? I know Edward told you not to,” Rosalie said irritably.

This broke through Alice’s stupor and her emotions changed from shock to anger.

“I didn’t look, the vision came to me on its own,” she said impatiently. “But that doesn’t matter, Bella’s been hurt, seriously hurt. I don’t know what happened to her, but she’s in hospital and it looks bad.”

Esme let out a small sob and wavered on her feet, Emmett moved to her side and put his arm around her shoulders, steadying her.

“Rosalie, you need to call Carlisle, we need him home,” I said.

“Why? It’s not like he can help. Bella is in Forks and we agreed to stay away.” She struggled to sound indifferent but her emotions contradicted her. She was not emitting the same shock and sorrow as the rest of the family, but there was an undercurrent of concern.

I was about to call her on it, but Emmett beat me to it.

“Now is not the time for your false indifference Rose,” he said harshly. Rosalie eyes widened, I was pretty sure he’d never spoken to her like this before. “Bella is hurt and I know you care. As for our promise to Edward he can fuck off. She needs us and we are going to be there for her.”

He turned to Alice. “Did you see Charlie or Renee there, if she’s in hospital they should be there, right?”

“I can’t see anyone else there, she’s all alone.”

“Try and search for Charlie’s future,” I suggested. “Maybe he was hurt too. It could have been a car accident or something like that.”

Again she slipped into the blank gaze that accompanied her visions but this time she snapped out of it much faster.

“I can’t see anything, there’s nothing but black for Charlie, and I don’t know Renee well enough to be able to pinpoint her future.”

“That’s okay,” I reassured her. “You can’t be expected to see everything.”

“I don’t understand why I didn’t see what happened to her. If her being in a hospital was enough to trigger a vision, her being hurt should have been too.”

I was saved from responding by Rosalie’s return. “Carlisle is on his way. I explained about the vision, and he said he’d be here as soon as he could.”

Esme looked relieved, and in truth I was too. Carlisle was always calm and collected. He would be able to make sense of this and would know what to do next.

We spent the time waiting for Carlisle’s arrival crowded around the sitting area. Each lost in our own thoughts of Bella, and what could have happened to her.

Emmett was calling the hospitals in the Forks vicinity trying to track Bella down. He finally found her in the Olympic Medical Center. He was currently trying to pry information about her condition, his wheedling tone slowly changing to one of irritation.

“Well fuck you too.” He finally roared into the receiver and threw it down. “They won’t tell me anything as I’m not ‘family’,” he sneered the word.

“Maybe Carlisle will have more luck when he gets home,” Esme suggested.

Just then we heard the squealing of brakes and the skidding sounds of Carlisle’s Mercedes making the turn into our driveway at high speed.

He ran through the front door and caught Esme as she launched herself into his arms sobbing.

He smoothed her hair and led her to the couch then crouched down to face Alice. “What did you see?”

Though he was outwardly calm his emotions were a raging confusion of fear and pain.

“She was in a hospital bed, her chest was bandaged and she wasn’t awake. There were machines and…” She lost control of her emotions and sobbed into my chest.

“Okay, it’s okay Alice, I will call the hospital and see if I can get more information. The rest of you, pack what you need, we’re going to Forks.”

“But Edward said…“ Rosalie began but trailed off under Carlisle’s unusually severe look.

“She’s in Olympic Medical Center,” Emmett said. “I tried to find out more but they wouldn’t tell me anything.”

“They’ll tell me,” Carlisle said with uncharacteristic harshness.

Carlisle picked up the phone and the rest of us dispersed to gather anything we may need to take with us. I went to the safe in Carlisle’s office and grabbed the false ID cards and passports for us all. In an envelope at the back were two other sets of identification in the name of Bella Cullen and Bella Masen. I grabbed those too, it was best to be prepared.

When we reconvened in the lounge Carlisle was just finishing his call. “Yes, thank you for your help. We will be there as soon as we can.” He stopped for a moment to listen to whoever he was talking to. “Proof? Yes we will bring the documentation with us.”

Documentation? Apparently nobody else knew what he was talking about either as they looked just as confused as I felt.

Carlisle hung up the phone and turned to us with a serious expression. For a moment I thought we were too late, that Bella had died. Apparently Esme thought the same as she shook her head jerkily, whispering. “No, Carlisle, please don’t say it.”

He took her in his arms. “Not Bella, Charlie.” We let out a collective sigh of relief then immediately felt guilty.

Charlie was dead. Bella’s father. What had happened to them?

“They were attacked in their home. The police think it was an animal attack, the injuries are indicative of a bear,” Carlisle said.

“A bear!” Emmett said, horrified. “How did Bella survived that? She’s so small, fragile.”

“She very nearly didn’t,” Carlisle said. “She has suffered considerable injuries.”

“We need to be there. We have to go _now,”_ Alice said emphatically.

“Have you seen something else?” I asked.

“No, that’s just it, when I look it keeps going black, as if she…”

There was no need to finish, we all knew what that meant. ‘As if she had died.’

“But it comes back,” Alice said. “When I look further I can see her again.”

“Jasper,” Carlisle said turning to me. “I need you to get in touch with Jenks, we need a document naming us Bella’s guardians in Renee absence.”

“Where is Renee?” Esme asked.

“I don’t know.” Carlisle said rubbing his forehead wearily. “I spoke to one of Bella’s doctors and he said they hadn’t been able to contact her.”

“Oh, I hope she’s okay,” Esme fretted.

“We don’t have time to discuss this now,” Emmett said impatiently. “We need to go. Are we going to drive or get a flight?”

“Flying would be faster,” Esme said. “Alice can you check the weather conditions.”

She blanked out again for a moment, but came back with a relieved smile. “We’ll be fine. It will be early morning by the time we get to Forks and the day is overcast.”

I called Jenks and arranged for the documentation to be delivered to our Forks house the next morning. He griped about the speed but after some well chosen words and thinly veiled threats he was more agreeable.

It was already dusk here so we wouldn’t have to stick to the shadows at the airport. We gathered our bags and headed out to the cars when Rosalie spoke up.

“What about Edward?”

Shit.


	3. Cry For A Shadow

**Jasper POV**

The flight to Seattle passed mostly in silence, each of us lost in our thoughts of Bella. We had eventually decided - against Rosalie’s protests - to hold off on contacting Edward until we had seen Bella and had more information. Though none of us said it, we were all worried about what we would find. If the situation was worse than we thought, his impulsive nature may lead him to Volterra before we could stop him.

We couldn’t lose either of them, the family would never recover. 

I forced my mind away from those thoughts and focused on Alice. She was sitting beside me, her knees pulled up to her chest, her chin resting on her knees. I knew she was searching for further sign of Bella as her emotions would become concentrated, almost desperate, then disappointed as she failed to see anything.

“Why can’t I see?” she cried, after yet another failed attempt.

“Take a break for a while, darlin’,” I said. “We’ll be there soon, then you’ll be able to see her for yourself.”

She sighed and curled into my side, but didn’t stop searching the future. Her emotions were more muted now though, calmer. “Alice what are you...” I trailed off under her meaningful look.

“I’m looking for Edward,” she whispered.

“I thought we agreed to wait. What if she-“

“Don’t say it,” she growled. “Don’t even think it. She will be fine.” She sounded remarkably sanguine for someone battling extreme panic.

“Okay, I won’t,” I reassured her. Kissing her forehead. 

We were able to avoid most of the crowd when we landed, we had kept our luggage to a minimum so we could take it as carry-on. Emmett and Rosalie went to rent cars and the rest of us waited outside for them. Much sooner than I expected they pulled up in front us in an SUV.

“Rose dealt with the clerk,” Emmett explained. “I think he’s in the back room hyperventilating right now.”

Though he flashed us a smile there was no humor in it, he was merely playing his part of comic relief. I was grateful for it anyway, the emotions in the car were stifling.

We shot along the roads at a manic pace. Such was Esme’s fear that she didn’t comment on the speed, in fact she stared at Emmett with such concentration I think she was willing him to drive faster.

We made it to Port Angeles just before dawn. Rosalie volunteered to go to the Forks house to await the delivery from Jenks, I think she wanted to get away from the tension. She was still bitter about Emmett’s harsh words, and I think the prospect of seeing Bella injured upset her more than she was willing to admit.

Despite our haste to get there when Rosalie pulled up outside the hospital I felt trepidation from us all. We didn’t have long to contemplate this however as a foul stench reached us and Carlisle groaned.

“The wolves,” he explained, seeing the looks of confusion from Alice and I.

Though we hadn’t been with the Cullens when they met with the wolves last time, we had been told about them and the treaty they had established.

“I didn’t know there was a new pack,” Esme said, concern coloring her tone.

We had no time to discuss this though, as a trio of young men were approaching us.

“What are you doing here bloodsucker?” one of them spat.

“Quiet Paul,” the tallest man said then turned to us. “I’m Sam Uley, alpha of the new pack, this is Paul and Jared.” He gestured to his companions.

“Pleased to meet you,” Carlisle said. His manners so much a part of his nature that he was unable to dismiss then despite his eagerness to get to Bella. Emmett did not have the same problem.

“Look pups, I don’t know what you are doing here, but my little sister is in that hospital and we need to get to her.”

The wolves bristled, but Carlisle cut in before it could escalate. “I apologize for my son’s rudeness, but as he said, we are in a hurry. I imagine you know Bella Swan has been injured and we want to get to her.”

Their emotions suddenly became a confusion of guilt and anger. Their stance became defensive and my curiosity piqued. They were hiding something.

“You’re here to see Bella?” Sam asked.

“Yes. I know we have things to discuss but you will have to wait.” Carlisle’s tone, though calm, left no room argument. “We will contact you through the normal channels to arrange a meeting.”

The smaller wolf, Paul, looked amused by this. “You won’t need to do that, we’ll be right here waiting for you. In fact some of the pack are with Bella now.”

“Why?” Alice asked. “What is your connection to Bella?”

“You missed a lot while you were away. Bella has been under our protection for some time now.”

“Protection from who?” I asked.

“We’ll tell you later,” Sam said evasively. “You said you wanted to see Bella. I’ll go ahead and talk to the pack members that are with her now, tell them you are here.”

“We wouldn’t want any _accidents_ , after all,” Paul sneered.

I noticed the silence from the other man, Jared, he looked troubled but didn’t speak.

Emmett looked ready to argue with them, but Esme took his arm and pulled him to her side.

“That is fine,” Carlisle said. “I need to speak with Bella’s doctor anyway.”

Gesturing for Sam to lead Carlisle followed him into the hospital, the rest of us trailing after. Carlisle spoke to the receptionist, and she directed us to a side room to wait for Bella’s doctor.

Emmett and Alice were eager to get to Bella’s side and were practically climbing the walls in their impatience.

We only had to wait a few minutes for Bella’s doctor to arrive, and he greeted Carlisle warmly. “Dr. Cullen, your reputation precedes you. I know Forks Community was sad to see you go.”

Carlisle shrugged of the flattery and asked for an update on Bella’s condition.

“She was airlifted in from Forks three weeks ago and we perfor-.” he began but Alice interrupted. 

“Three weeks, but I only saw… I mean, _heard_ about it yesterday.”

“Yes, well in the event of her father’s death we tried to contact her mother but have been unsuccessful, we didn’t know you were listed as guardians and her friends that have been here didn’t mention it either.”

 _Her friends._ How on earth had Bella become mixed with a group of werewolves? Edward was right, she really was a danger magnet.

Carlisle and the doctor were discussing her condition and the surgery. I understood very little of what they were saying, but the general gist was that she and Charlie had been the victims of an ‘animal attack’. Charlie had been pronounced dead at the scene and Bella had suffered injuries to her chest, the most serious of which was damage to her heart.

After a few more minutes we were led to the third floor where the ICU unit was housed. The scent of the wolves was strong here too, but there was another, more familiar scent. Bella.

At the end of the hall Sam talking with another young man, judging by the his scent and muscular physique he was another of the wolves. He didn’t have the calm arrogance of the ones we had met outside though. His emotions were intense but clear to read, overwhelming guilt and shame. What had he done?

“Come Jacob,” Sam was saying. “Come outside and let them see Bella.”

“I don’t trust them, what if they hurt her,” Jacob growled, he trailed out after Sam quietly. 

The doors to Bella’s room were glass, but there was a curtain blocking our view. 

“It’s okay to go in,” a nurse spoke from the desk behind us. “You can only stay fifteen minutes though, hospital policy”

We nodded our thanks but still none of us moved. The eagerness Alice and Emmett were feeling earlier had dissipated now they were actually faced with the reality of seeing her. Carlisle eventually took the first step towards her room, and the rest of us followed obediently.

At first I thought we had come to the wrong room. The pale, emaciated girl lying in the bed couldn’t be Bella. She was always so full of life, so vital, she looked wrong. There was an abundance of machines around her, and she was a mass of tubes and wires. There was so much noise too, the beeping of a heart monitor, the rhythmic droning of the ventilator as it forced air into her lungs, the drip of the IV.

“Oh Bella,” Esme gasped. Her hands covering her face as if to block the vision of her daughter, as that is what she was to Esme and Carlisle, in such a state. Carlisle took her into his arms and held her close, whispering soothing words.

Alice approached her bedside slowly, as if afraid she could hurt her by her very presence. “Does it hurt?” she asked in a small, almost childlike, voice. “The needles and the tubes, do they hurt her?”

She directed her question to Carlisle, but he didn’t seem able to respond. He was looking over Esme’s head to Bella with a look of horror.

“Carlisle,” Alice prompted.

He shook his head as if to clear it. “No Alice, she is heavily medicated, she’s not in pain. You can touch her, but be careful of the wires.”

Alice looked relieved and took Bella’s hand and smoothed her hair back from her face. “Hi Bella, it’s me, I came back. I’m sorry, I’m so-“ She broke off as her voice broke with emotion. She clung to me and I moved to a chair so I could seat her in my lap.

“Hey Bells,” Emmett said with false enthusiasm. “I’m back too, how’re you doing?”

I was tempted to roll my eyes at him, but his emotions showed that he was barely hanging on as it was.

Esme approached the bed next and kissed her softly on the forehead. “Hello sweetheart. It’s good to see you again. I missed you, we _all_ missed you so much.”

She looked to Carlisle to speak, but he was examining her chart with a concentration that did not conceal his expression of horror. He was the patriarch of our family, the leader, but right now that responsibility was weighing heavily on his shoulders.

A nurse entered the room then, bustling with an air of efficiency. “Time’s up I’m afraid folks. We need to change her dressing now.”

“Can I stay?” Carlisle asked. “I’m Bella’s guardian and also a doctor, I’d like to examine the wounds for myself.”

“I’ll have to clear it with the doctor,” she said dubiously. “We don’t usually allow family members…”

Carlisle shot me a significant look and I dosed the nurse with the shiny-happy-people mojo.

Her expression shifted to one of dazed complacency. “Oh, why not. You’re a doctor after all.”

The rest of us trailed out of the room, leaving Carlisle with the stupefied nurse. The curtain blocked our view of the room, but I for one had no desire to see Bella’s wounds.

“What are we going to do about the wolves?” Emmett asked.

I considered for a moment, but was pulled from my musings by a surge of pure rage from Bella’s room.

“Please excuse me.” Came Carlisle’s polite tones, but I could hear the rage beneath it.

He came out of the room and he had a look of such fury that for the first time he lost all semblance of human behavior. He looked murderous.

“Carlisle, what’s wrong,” Esme asked.

“Those aren’t injuries from a bear attack,” he said through gritted teeth. “Those were made by a wolf, a werewolf.”


	4. Carry The Weight

**Carlisle’s POV**

I took a deep unnecessary breath as the still slightly dopey looking nurse left the room to get the supplies for changing Bella’s dressings .

I loved my family, each and every one, but I was secretly relieved to be alone for a moment. I had found it hard to contain my distress when I caught sight of her ravaged body. I could not allow it to show, I had a role to play, I was the father, the husband, the patriarch. I needed to be strong for them, though all I really wanted to do was break down and cry. I wished for the true humanity I tried so hard to emulate. Humans could cry, shed tears to release their grief, vampires were not so blessed.

I suspected Jasper had picked up on my distress but he was tactful enough to keep it to himself. When Esme turned to me, waiting for me to speak to Bella, I froze. What could I possibly say to her? I feared that if I opened my mouth to speak, all that would come out was a scream.

I had never felt so impotent in all my centuries on earth. I was a doctor, a healer, over the years I had saved thousands of people, but when the most vulnerable of my children needed me, I had not been here. I had been on the other side of the country doing my best to follow the wishes of my first son.

I had been tempted many times to check up on her, to contact one of my old colleagues at the hospital to see if they had news, but each time I had resisted. I told myself I was doing the right thing. Edward was my first companion, I owed it to him to respect his choice, but I think in truth I was scared. Scared of what I might hear, scared of Edward’s reaction if he knew I had betrayed him, and that’s exactly how he would have seen it, as a betrayal.

The nurse returned, looking a little more composed now. Jasper must have released his emotional influence on her. She shot me a shrewd look but didn’t dispute my presence, afraid of looking foolish I guessed. Humans were so conscious of their image, though at times like this, it was a blessing. 

I watched her carefully as she arranged the wires around Bella and began to remove the dressings. I was so focused on checking the suture line that at first I didn’t notice the other, now healing, wounds on her chest. When I caught sight of them I gasped.

“Terrible isn’t it.” The nurse babbled. “To think a bear did all this damage. Poor girl is lucky to-“

I blocked out her inane chatter examining Bella’s ravaged chest. Rage flooded me and I fought for control. This was no bear attack.

“Please excuse me.” I said to the nurse and left the room.

My family were waiting just outside the room, Esme caught sight of my expression and her eyes widened. “Carlisle, what is wrong?”

I battled to keep my voice even. “Those aren’t injuries from a bear attack. Those were made by a wolf, a werewolf.”

There was a clamor of noise as they all reacted to my words. Jasper looked pained, he was being bombarded by the emotions of us all. He must have felt something particularly intense from Emmett, and he grabbed his arm and growled in his ear, “Wait.”

“I don’t want to wait.” Emmett said, baring his teeth. “I want to find those dogs and _kill_ them.”

Taking his other arm we half led him, half dragged him, into a side room. It was a small lounge area, which I knew well. I had utilized such a room many times, usually to give bad news to families, and it made me uncomfortable to be here now. We needed somewhere private to speak though, so I pushed down my discomfort and concentrated on maintaining a calm expression.

Emmett was still struggling against our restraining arms, and his immense strength made it much harder.

“Jasper,” I said significantly and he nodded in return his agreement. He didn’t like to use his gift on people unless necessary, but there was no other option here, if Emmett got free he would run rampage through the hospital revealing our true nature.

A moment later he was slack in our arms, though his voice still held menace, “Stop that, Jasper.”

“Sorry bro, but I can’t, you need to get a handle on your emotions before you expose us all.”

He seemed to hear the truth in Jasper’s words and took deep calming breaths. “Okay, I’m calm, quit screwing with my emotions.”

I watched him carefully but he did seem in control now. I nodded to Jasper and he lifted his influence.

“What happened in there?” Alice asked. I had been so preoccupied by Emmett that I had barely noticed her and Esme at all. They were sitting together on one of the chairs, Esme had her arm around Alice’s shoulders and despite the closeness in the physical ages they truly looked like a mother and a small child taking comfort from one another.

I sat in the chair across from them rubbing my hands across my face, thinking back to the wound on Bella’s chest. It would be impossible for human eyes to differentiate between those of a bear and a werewolf, even if they knew the latter existed. But I knew. I knew what had done it, what I didn’t know was _who_. Which of those beasts had attacked my daughter and why?

“It was a werewolf, I knew as soon as I saw the damage, their claws leave distinctive marks.”

“But why?” Esme said. “Why would they want to hurt her, why would anyone?”

“I don’t know that they intended to hurt her, werewolves have ferocious tempers, especially the younger ones. She may have just been in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“Intended or not, they still did it,” Alice said fiercely. “And if they were the ones that hurt Bella, they must have killed Charlie too, they’re murderers.”

“So are we all,” Jasper said softly. “All of us, but Carlisle anyway. We have all slipped and taken a human life.”

“That’s different,” Emmett said angrily.

“Is it?” Jasper asked. “I’m not defending them, I’m just saying I understand how it could have happened. Dammit, if you hadn’t stopped me on her birthday _I_ could have been the one to do this to her.”

We all sat in silence for a moment. Jasper was the quietest of all my family but when he did speak it was usually with gravity, and we all knew to listen.

“We need to meet with the wolves,” I broke the silence. “We need to know what happened and we need to make sure whoever it was that did this is being kept away from Bella now on.”

“I think we should speak to that Jacob kid, he looked real cut up when we saw him. I bet he’ll tell us who did it,” Emmett said.

A wry look crossed Jasper’s face, but be shook his head at my questioning glance. Whatever he was thinking he was keeping it to himself for now. 

“We won’t have to look far,” Esme said. “I think they are on their way back up here.”

She was right, their scent was increasing and I could hear their footsteps approaching the room.

Emmett jumped to his feet. “Good, let’s get this sorted.”

“Patience, Emmett,” I advised. “Let me speak to them first, I will arrange a meeting outside of the hospital grounds. If someone loses control I don’t want there to be any witnesses.”

“What about Bella?” Alice asked. “I don’t want to leave her here all alone. Not again.”

“I can stay,” Esme suggested. “If this becomes a physical confrontation we all know I am the weak link.”

I nodded my agreement. A small, but selfish part of me was glad that she was going to be staying, if it escalated into violence I would be able to concentrate better knowing she was safe. I felt a surge of guilt, but Jasper gripped my shoulder.

“We all feel the same, Carlisle,” he said cryptically and I nodded my thanks.

Esme kissed and hugged us all then watched us walk away, with her pleas for us to take care resounding amongst us.

We met Sam and Jacob in the corridor and explained the need to have a private discussion. Sam looked at me curiously, but didn’t argue. We arranged to meet with the pack in the forested area behind the hospital.

Jacob seemed oblivious to our conversation, I noted how haggard he looked, almost ill. What was his relationship with Bella? I thought Emmett was right, he would be the one that would tell us the truth, he was clearly suffering.

As we exited the hospital Rosalie pulled up in the hired SUV with an envelope on the passenger seat. The power of attorney from Jenks.

“What’s going on?” she asked, seeing our dejected expressions. “Where’s Esme?”

No concern for Bella, I noted and felt a surge of impatience towards her.

“It’s not like that Carlisle,” Jasper said softly. “She cares, she just doesn’t want to show it.”

Emmett explained the situation to her, the wolves’ involvement in Bella’s attack and our plans to speak with them.

“You’re about to accuse a bunch of pissed off werewolves of murder?” she said incredulously. “Why on earth would you do that?”

Jasper’s reassurances be damned, I had reached my limit.

“Rosalie, I have no time for your selfish displays right now. Please take the documents to Esme, she is with Bella. Then you can do as you wish; leave, join the rest of us, or stay and keep Esme company if you like. However, if you go to Esme, either stay outside of the room or keep your opinions to yourself. Neither she, nor Bella need your negativity right now.”

She looked hurt by words and when she spoke it was in an even tone. “I’ll stay with Esme.” She kissed Emmett on the cheek and echoed Esme’s plea for him to be careful.

We made our way into the forest, the wolves were easy to find by their scent trail and the sounds of their heavy footfalls.

When we caught sight of them we were momentarily stunned, there were so many of them. The last time we had dealt with the pack there had only been three, now there were eight. Five of them were in their wolf forms; Sam, Jared and a female I didn’t recognize were human.

Sam stood with his arms crossed over his chest, looking as if he hadn’t a care in the world, though the tightness around his jaw betrayed his tension. The wolves were pacing back and forth behind him like caged animals. I was disappointed to see Jacob was one of them, I had hoped to speak with him.

“What happened to Bella?” Emmett asked without preamble.

“A bear got into the Swan house,” Sam said with the tone of one who has practiced the story many times. “We were able to get there in time to save Bella, but we were too late for Charlie. He was already dead.”

There was the perfect level of sadness and stress at recounting the tale in his voice and his expression, and had I not known differently I would probably have accepted the tale. Not Jasper though.

“Try again,” he said coldly.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Sam said with affected innocence. “I’ve told you what happened.”

“No, you’ve given us the same bullshit tale you gave the humans,” Emmett growled. “We, however, know different.”

The wolves began growling, the pacing speeding up. A silver coated wolf crouched down as if preparing to launch himself at us.

“Stop,” Sam commanded, his tone deep with power and the wolf settled back on his haunches.

“Let us speak to Jacob,” I said, fighting to keep my anger from my voice. “I think he will be able to give us a more honest explanation.”

A large wolf at the rear of the pack whined, crouching low to the ground.

“Jacob?” I addressed the russet colored wolf. “That is you, is it not? Won’t you speak to us?”

He whined again, his head hanging.

“I understand you care about Bella, we just want to know what happened.”

Jasper hissed and I remembered his wry look earlier. Did he suspect something about Jacob?

“Let’s cut the crap shall we?” Emmett said impatiently. “We know it was a wolf that attacked Bella and Charlie, so who was it?” He looked truly menacing as he stood facing them, his fury barely held in check.

“Oh what the fuck. Why are we even bothering, they’re going to find out eventually,” the female said. “It was Jacob, he lost control and phased. Big deal, Bella knew the risks, she deserved what she got if you ask me.”

A growl tore from my chest, rage flooding me.

“You hurt Bella! It was you, I will kill you.” Emmett was almost incoherent with fury and Jasper was struggling to keep him from charging at the wolves. I moved to help him but there was no need.

At that moment Jacob lost control and launched himself forward. 


	5. Not Guilty

**Emmett POV**

Incandescent rage flooded through me. I could feel Jasper’s restraining arms around me and his attempts to calm me, but I did not care.

Jacob, the pitiful looking kid that we had felt sorry for, had hurt my sister. I would end him. Jasper’s manufactured calm was no match for my fury, and I could feel his grip loosening.

“You hurt Bella! It was you, I will kill you,” I roared at the wolf, struggling to break free, to launch myself at him, but there was no need, he was coming to me.

He launched himself forward and Jasper released me, both of us dropping into defensive crouches. But he didn’t come for us, he was heading for the girl that had spoken. One of the other wolves snapped at his ankle, tearing off a chunk of flesh in his attempt to restrain him, but Jacob didn’t seem to notice. He bore down on the girl with a menacing growl.

With a tearing of fabric she phased and dodged his trajectory, if it was possible for a wolf face to look smug, she did.

“STOP JACOB!” Sam bellowed, and like a puppet with its strings cut, Jacob dropped to the ground in a submissive crouch. He continued to snarl and growl at Leah, and only stopped when Sam barked another order at him, “Quiet.”

“Enough of this!” Carlisle said harshly. “We don’t care about your issues controlling your pack. We want to know what happened to Bella.”

Sam bristled with anger but did not dispute Carlisle’s words. Instead he turned to Jacob. “Can you tell them?”

Jacob rose unsteadily to his feet and walked off into the forest.

“Hey, where’s he going?” I demanded. “Come back you coward.”

“He will be back, he needs to phase back and will need clothes,” Sam said. “Jared would you mind?”

Jared delved into a rucksack and pulled out a pair of shorts. He disappeared into the forest and returned with Jacob in toe a moment later.

“First of all you need to understand how Bella became involved with the pack,” Sam said. He then explained how he had been the one to find her in the woods the night Edward left her. I felt a surge of anger towards Edward. He left her in the woods! What was he thinking?

I had no time to process these thoughts, however, as Sam continued his explanation of the months we missed.

“She was in a really bad way at first, Charlie called Renee, and she came to take Bella back to Florida. According to Billy, that snapped her out of it for a while. I don’t know exactly what happened then, I didn’t see her again for a while, not until she started hanging around with Jacob.”

“In January,” Jacob said in a raspy voice. “She came to me to help her with the motorbikes.”

Motorbikes? The Bella I knew would never have gone near a motorbike, she had enough trouble staying upright on her own legs, add two wheels to that equation and you had a recipe for disaster.

“We were friends,” Jacob continued and I noted the use of the past tense. “She wanted to find some meadow, I took her hiking, but…” he trailed off looking to Sam.

“When werewolves first start phasing they have difficulty controlling their temper. When Jacob phased for the first time, I forced him to stay away from Bella. It wasn’t safe for her to be around him.”

“No shit!” I muttered. Jacob shot me a baleful look but I ignored him. He was lucky to be alive right now, it was only my need to know the full story that was stopping me from killing him already, treaty be damned.

Sam continued as if I hadn’t spoken, “Eventually Bella worked out the secret and confronted Jacob. Once she knew Jacob was able to see her again, she became our friend.”

Jasper chuckled and Sam paused, looking at him curiously.

“Danger magnet,” he explained. “You take away the vampires, and she pals up with the next group of mythical monsters she can find.”

I laughed bitterly. He was right, but look where her association with monsters had landed her. In a hospital bed, barely clinging to life.

“She told us about you all and the redhead.”

“The redhead?” I questioned but Alice understood instantly.

“Victoria? She’s been here?”

“Yes, first she sent the other one, Laurent, Bella called him. We killed him, but the redhead keeps coming back.”

“Hold up, Laurent was here too?” I asked impatiently.

“Yes,” Sam said, explaining how the pack had found Laurent in the meadow, preparing to attack Bella and how they had killed him.

 _Danger magnet doesn’t even begin to cover it._ I thought.

“So how did this ‘friendship’ change to the point at which you attacked Bella and killed her father?” Carlisle asked. I had never seen him like this before. He was usually the most human of us all, but now he looked every inch the predator.

“It was an accident,” Sam defended. “Jacob was driving Bella home and-”

“I thought it was one of you,” Jacob burst out. “I caught the scent and I thought she had been lying to me, using me for protection while she sneaked around with her bloodsucker.”

For all their talk of friendship, they clearly knew nothing about my little sister, she would never used them like that. The girl was the epitome of self sacrificing. I was surprised she hadn’t stood in the middle of a field calling for Victoria like a sacrificial lamb, rather than have these boys risk their lives for her. Alice evidently agreed as she hissed angrily.

“I was angry,” Jacob said. “Charlie came home and... it was an accident... he was too close, I phased and then…”

“Then he was dead,” Jasper finished for him. No pity in his tone. “What about Bella? She get too close as well?”

“She was hitting me, screaming at me, I only meant to push her away, I swear. I don’t know how it happened, one minute she was screaming at me, the next she was on the floor and Sam and Jared were there.”

“We called an ambulance and she was airlifted here,” Jared spoke up for the first time. “We don’t know much more, they won’t tell us anything.”

“What about Charlie? What has happened to his…” Alice trailed off.

“His funeral was last week,” Sam said. “We wanted to wait for Bella but… well, she’s not woken up yet.”

Carlisle’s expression was guarded, but there was a flash of pity in his eyes as Sam spoke. What was that for, was Bella’s condition worse than I thought? I cursed my ignorance of medicine, if Rose was there she would have known what that doctor was saying.

How could it be any worse? She was already unconscious and hooked up to all those machines. Could she actually be… I refused to let that thought finish, she’d be fine now we were back. Carlisle was the most experienced doctor in the world, he’d fix her, and Edward would come back and we’d be a family again.

“What about Renee?” I asked, it was strange that she wasn’t here. From what Alice and Edward had told me, she’d been at the hospital around the clock when Bella was hurt in Phoenix. Why wasn’t she here now?

“We don’t know,” Jared said. “The hospital tried to contact her and so did we, but none of the numbers we have are working. Some of Charlie’s cop friends have contacted the police in Jacksonville to get them to take a run out to their house.”

“We will have to contact them ourselves,” Carlisle mused. “Explain the change in circumstances.”

“What change in circumstances?” Jacob asked. “Why are you here anyway?”

“I am referring to the fact that Esme and I are named as Bella’s guardians in case of emergency, and in Renee’s absence, we will be taking over her affairs,” Carlisle explained, with a hint of satisfaction.

“The hell you are!” Jacob growled. “Bella doesn’t need you here, hurting her again. We can protect her just fine.”

“ _Us_ hurting her!” Carlisle said incredulously. “It wasn’t us that did this to her, Jacob Black. As for protection, we will be protecting her. Protecting her from you and your temper.”

Jacob shook visibly and I knew he was seconds away from phasing again.

“Enough Jacob,” Sam said, and his tremors slowed.

“What about the rest of us?” Jared asked. I remembered that he had been one of the first to arrive after the attack and he seemed genuinely concerned for Bella.

“We will need to discuss what has happened as a family, and see what it means for the future of the treaty. You are aware that the rule regarding hurting a human went both ways. You harmed Bella and she is a part of our family, the agreement we had is null and void at the moment. We will continue to respect the rule regarding the boundary lines for La Push, but you will stay away from Bella unless one of us is present, and Jacob is to be kept away.”

None of the pack seemed particularly pleased about these terms, but Carlisle turned from them with obvious indifference and addressed the rest of us.

“I think we are finished here, let’s get back to Bella.”

None of us argued, we were all eager to get away from the stench of the wolves and back to Bella.

We had been away far too long already, she’d be missing us.


	6. Your Mother Should Know

**Esme POV**

I watched my family walking along the corridor to meet with the wolves and felt a shiver of fear. They were risking their lives to go deal with those volatile animals, and I was not able to protect them. My presence would only be a hindrance if, God forbid, it became a fight.

What sort of mother sends her children to fight for her? A bad one that’s what.

The door to Bella’s room slid open and the nurse came out. “Is she okay?” I asked hurriedly. “Can I go back in now?”

“I really shouldn’t let you, there are rules you know.”

I barely knew this woman yet, already, I hated her. She was keeping me from my daughter, the one child I had left that had any need of my feeble protection.

“Esme.” A voice called up the corridor. Rosalie was back, privately I wished she had stayed away a little longer, until I saw the envelope in her hands.

“I got the paperwork,” she said handing it to me.

“Thank you,” I said sincerely, then turned to the nurse. “I need to see Bella’s doctor please. He asked to see these forms.”

“He’s a very busy man,” she said examining her nails. I had to resist the urge to snap her neck, such was my annoyance.

“I’m sure he is,” I said patiently. “But he asked to see this, so I don’t think he will mind the interruption.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” she said in a bored tone and moved over to the nurses’ station to page him.

A few minutes later the doctor arrived, and led Rosalie and I into the same room we had been in when Carlisle explained the true origin of Bella’s injuries. He gestured us to a chair, and I handed the envelope over.

He took a moment to examine it, flipping through the pages and then sighed deeply, leaning back in his chair.

“The problem is that this is for the guardianship of a minor. Miss Swan is eighteen, therefore technically she’s an adult.”

Damn Jenks. I was going to kill him, I was going to turn him on a spit over a roaring fire, I was going to pull off his limbs and beat him to death with them. No, I would just let Jasper deal with him, nothing I could come up with would be as good as the revenge he would exact.

I was pulled from my musings by the doctor’s voice, “Mrs. Cullen?”

“Sorry, I was lost in my thoughts for a moment.”

“Understandable, I was explaining that this would not be enough to satisfy the hospital board of your authority over her care.”

“But with the death of her father and her mother’s absence who is making the choices for her?” Rosalie asked.

“We have an ethics board that handles these cases. They have convened recently in the case of Miss. Swan in fact.”

“About?” Rosalie prodded.

“I’m afraid I can’t divulge that information,” he said with a hint of complacency. “You aren’t family after all.”

If he didn’t start being a little more helpful he was joining Jenks at the Jasper vengeance party.

“But she has nobody else!” I said plaintively. “At least this form shows you that we are Bella’s next of kin. Surely that gives us some rights.”

“I’m afraid not Mrs. Cullen. Medical law is a tricky business and the hospital has to be very careful. I agree that in her mother’s absence you and your husband are her next of kin, but without a Health Care Power of attorney there is little else I can do.”

“Fine, we will have to get one of those,” I said. “Can I go back to Bella now or do I need a special dispensation from God for that too?”

I knew I was being rude, but I was past caring. This unctuous little man was being intentionally difficult and I had reached my limit. Rosalie shot me a stunned look, but I disregarded it. I wanted to get back to Bella. Now.

“That won’t be necessary,” he said sardonically. “You can go in now.”

I hurried from the room, Rosalie trailing behind me reluctantly. “Aren’t you coming in?” I asked as she paused by the door. 

“Carlisle said to stay outside,” she said petulantly. I was certain there was more to the story than that, Carlisle was not usually so harsh, but I was not interested in hearing her complain at the moment, my youngest daughter needed me.

“Okay then,” I said distractedly and slid the door closed. I took a moment to compose myself before approaching her bedside, it was still a shock to see her looking so broken. Once I was sure I had myself under control I pulled up a chair beside her and took her hand.

“Hello sweetheart, how are you?” A foolish question. But what else could I say? It was painfully obvious how she was; bandaged and broken.

I traced the veins on the back of her hand, carrying the vital blood. Carlisle had said her heart had been damaged, but how badly? There was so much I didn’t understand, so many questions, but no answers to be had yet. When the others got back from I would talk to Jasper about the power of attorney the doctor mentioned. He would know what we needed and how to get it.

I catalogued the changes in Bella’s appearance. She was much thinner than she was when we left, too thin for it to merely be a byproduct of her hospitalization, she had been losing weight long before that. Her skin was paler than before and had a grey tinge to it, her once neat fingernails were ragged, as if they had been bitten down but were now growing. She had never been as concerned with her appearance as Rosalie or Alice but she had always been neat. What had happened to her while we were gone?

The door slid open and I turned expecting to see Rosalie or another member of my family, but it was a nurse, though not the same one we had met before.

“Oh, I didn’t know there was anyone else here,” she said startled by my presence. “I thought when there was no handsome boy outside that she was alone.”

“I’m Esme Cullen.” I introduced myself, ignoring the comment about the handsome boy. One of those handsome _boys_ had landed her here in the first place.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Jenny.” She shook my hand, but didn’t seem at all affected by the coolness of my skin, instead she turned her attention to Bella.

“Good morning dear. Nice to see you’ve got yourself some female company for a change. Those boys sure are fun to look at, but we all need some girl time every now and again.”

I watched her as she checked over Bella’s tubes and machine, all the while chattering away as if she expected a response. I liked her immediately, she treated Bella as if she was wide awake and listening, rather than sleeping. Although I had tried to talk to her normally it felt futile, Jenny had no such concerns as she told Bella all about the date she’d been on the night before. 

“Then the bill came and he actually pulled out his phone and started calculating the cost of what I’d ordered,” she said incredulously. “I’m all for women’s lib, but he even split the cost of the bread-sticks and he’d eaten them all.”

I laughed, then clapped my hand to my mouth. What was I doing, sitting here beside my desperately ill daughter, laughing at the dating woes of a woman I didn’t know?

“It’s okay,” Jenny said, giving me a sympathetic smile. “I’m sure she’d be laughing too if she could. It’s better like this.”

“Better?” I questioned.

“Yes, better. Imagine if it was you lying there, if you could hear everything, wouldn’t you rather hear happy sounds than sad?”

In all honesty I couldn’t put myself in Bella’s position, my memories of sleep and illness were all lost.

Seeing my confusion she continued. “If I were her, I’d be far more inclined to wake up if there was something worth waking for, knowing my friends and family were waiting for me.”

“Yes, I understand what you mean,” I said, though I didn’t voice my concerns that Bella’s _real_ family were dead or missing, and the ones that were here had deserted her not too long ago. Would she feel _we_ were worth waking for?

Just then one of the machines at Bella’s bedside began to beep a high pitched alarm. I jumped to my feet. ”What is it? What’s happened? Should I get the doctor?”

“It’s fine,” she reassured me. “It’s just the oximeter came loose is all.”

She held up a small gadget, then clipped it back onto Bella’s finger.

“What does that do?” I asked. I knew Carlisle could tell me about this, and all the other machines that were attached to Bella, but I felt that I should already know, that it was my responsibility as a mother to know. 

“The oximeter tracks the oxygen in Bella’s blood, we’d like the level to stay nice and high between ninety-five and one hundred, but with the damage to her heart anything above ninety is good.” She pointed to the digits on the screen, they were only at ninety one.

“This here shows her pulse,” she said pointing at another line of digits on the screen. “And this here is her blood pressure.”

“And this?” I asked pointing to a complicated machine at her other side.

“This is the ventilator. Bella is unable to breathe on her own just now so this is doing it for her, giving her time to rest.”

 _‘Giving her time to rest.’_ No matter how sweetly she worded it, the reality was that these machines were the only thing keeping my daughter alive.

I couldn’t contain the sob that crept up my throat, my poor Bella. Jenny came to my side and rubbed my back. The door opened and Rosalie poked her head in. “Esme, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” I lied automatically. “I’m just going to step outside for a moment.” I didn’t want Bella to hear my cries, Jenny had said she needed something positive to wake up to.

“You go ahead,” Jenny said. “I’ve still got to tell Bella about what he tried when he dropped me off at home.”

I laughed in spite of myself, she really was wonderful, her stories alone would be worth waking up for. 

I found a small balcony area just off the main corridor and stepped outside taking deep breaths of the untainted air.

“Why is she telling Bella about her doomed love life?” Rosalie asked.

I looked at her sternly. “I’m sure you heard everything she said as well as I did, you were just outside the door after all. Why are you playing stupid now?”

She lowered her face guiltily. “I don’t know. I didn’t want to be in there with her like that, but I didn’t want to be too far away if you needed me.”

“Rose,” I said tiredly. “You need to get over this aversion to Bella. I know you never liked her, but surely you can see how much she means to the rest of us, Emmett included.”

“I know that,” she said bitterly. “It’s all I’ve heard about from Emmett for months, how much he misses her, how bad he feels about leaving her. Now we’re back, and she’s all messed up, and it’s going to get even worse.”

I was angry to hear her speak so harshly, so selfishly. How could she possibly be jealous of Bella when she was in the state she was?

My anger faded as I looked into her eyes. There was no malice there, just a plea for my understanding.

“What is this really about, Rose?” I asked softly. “I know you’re not as shallow as you are pretending.”

She turned to look at me and for the first time since Carlisle had brought her home, battered and bleeding and in the throes of her change, she looked vulnerable.

I understood immediately.

“She’s human,” I stated. “She’s still human and you aren’t”

“Yes,” she said sadly. “She was hurt, but she still gets to be human.”

“But Rose you have to understand, you would never have survived had Carlisle not changed you.” She opened her mouth to speak but I cut her off, holding up one hand.

“You would have died as a human, I know you have said that would have been the better choice, but think about it. Dying at eighteen, never seeing the things you have, never finding love, how would that have been better?”

She didn’t answer me, but I could see her considering what I had said, her expression thoughtful.

“I don’t know what is going to happen to Bella, but if I thought it would save her I’d go into that room and change her now myself.”

“Esme, you can’t!” she said horrified. “It’s not right.”

“Who decides what is right? All I know is that I love Bella, as I love you, and human or vampire, the world is a better place with both of you in it.”

I pulled her to me and wrapped my arms around her. “Come on, let’s get back to Bella, if you have an emery board handy I know something we can do to pass the time.”


	7. And I Love Her

**Chapter Seven – And I Love Her**

**Alice POV**

As we made our way along the corridor back to Bella’s room, we heard the sounds of laughter and an unfamiliar voice talking.

“Honestly, he said I should pick him up next time to save on gas,” the voice said incredulously. “I didn’t know whether to laugh or to punch him, after the night I’d had he actually thought I’d go out with him again!”

“I don’t know what’s going on in there, but they sure are enjoying themselves,” Jasper said, preempting our questions. “The emotions are practically giddy.”

I sped my pace, hope burgeoning inside me, could she be…

My heart dropped as I reached Bella’s room, she was still sleeping. There were other changes in the room though. A pretty nurse with wavy blonde hair was standing beside the Bella’s bed hooking up a new IV bag, Esme was sitting by Bella’s head running her fingers through her hair, and Rosalie was at her other side... filing her nails!

“So, I told him I was going to be too busy to go out again, and he says ‘ _I suppose a fu…’”_

She cut off catching sight of us all at the door. “Hello, you must be the rest of Bella’s family. Nice to meet you.”

“This is, Jenny,” Esme explained. “Jenny, this is my husband, Carlisle, and my children, Emmett, Alice, and Jasper. Jenny has been keeping us and Bella entertained while you were away.” She gestured to each of us in turn.

“I aim to please,” she said, smiling and moved to adjust Bella’s IV bag. “I think this has blocked again.”

“Can I see?” Carlisle said. “I’m Dr. Cullen.”

“Sure,” she moved aside and Carlisle examined the tube leading into Bella’s hand.

“Yes. It is blocked, why have they not inserted a central line already?”

“You’d have to speak to Dr. Green,” she said evasively. “I’m only a nurse, they don’t tell me anything.”

I saw the lie in her eyes, whatever it was she was not telling us she wasn’t happy about it.

“I’ll take this one out, it’s not doing any good where it is.”

“No!” I gasped, but she was already working, the end of the IV was out and a small spot of blood glistened on the back of Bella’s hand.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” she apologized. “Are you a bit squeamish? I didn’t think, it’s only a drop though and it’s gone now.”

I barely heard her words though I was staring at Jasper, we all were. Emmett was holding his arms as if to retrain him, but there was no need. Jasper stared at the spot of blood with clear gold eyes, completely calm, breathing steadily in and out. He came out of his daze with a confused but triumphant smile.

“I’m fine,” he said at vampire pitch. “You can let go now, Em.”

Emmett released him, looking as stunned as the rest of us.

Jenny gathered her supplies and headed out of the room. She paused at the door. “I’m going to _forget_ to remind you of the restrictions on visitors, but when Dr. Green comes by for his rounds in…” she glanced at her watch, “half an hour, it would be better if there were a few less of you in here.”

“We understand,” Carlisle said.

“Thanks. See you in a while Bella,” she said cheerfully and slid the door closed behind her.

We all were all silent for a moment other than the sound of Rosalie filing Bella’s nails, until Emmett spoke.

“Jasper, dude. That was awesome! I thought you were going to flip your lid, but you were cool as a… well as a vampire really.”

I chuckled, he may not be good with similes, but he got his point across.

“Your hard work has evidently paid off,” Carlisle said proudly. “I didn’t see an ounce of conflict in your eyes.”

“That’s because there wasn’t any,” Jasper said.

“Exactly,” Carlisle effused. “You have done so well, I-“

“No, I mean there wasn’t any _bloodlust_ ,” Jasper explained. “There was nothing at all, I could see the blood, and I could smell it, but it didn’t tempt me in the slightest. My throat is burning from the smell of all the other humans in the building, but with Bella there was nothing, no burn, no pull.”

“That’s great, Jazz,” I said, pulling him down to me and kissing his cheek.

“It certainly simplifies things,” Carlisle said thoughtfully. “We are all going to need to be especially careful of our thirst while we are here.”

“We will dear,” Esme said. “What happened with the wolves? Did you find out what had happened to Bella?”

Carlisle explained all that had transpired between us and the pack, including Leah’s confession that it was Jacob that had hurt Bella. Esme looked stunned, but Rosalie nodded like she had expected it.

“Figures,” she said quietly.

“What Rosalie?” I said annoyed. “What are you doing anyway?”

I was a little annoyed to see her so close to Bella. She had never wanted to be around her before and was always scathing off my attempts to include her in our activities.

“I’m giving Bella a manicure. Jenny said it was good to make Bella feel normal, give her a reason to wake up.”

I scoffed. If she thought Bella was going to wake up for _her_ she was out of her mind.

“And I said ‘figures’ because it does,” she continued. “You said Bella and this Jacob kid were close, it’s usually the people close to you that hurt you. I should know.”

Emmett rubbed her shoulder comfortingly and I rolled my eyes. It was always the same with Rosalie, she had the big sad change story, just because I don’t remember my human life doesn’t make it any better, knowing your family stuck you in an insane asylum.

Jasper shot me a quizzical look, feeling my emotional turmoil. I shook my head, I didn’t want to explain my inner conflict to him, sure it would make me sound childish and jealous.

“So, what is going to happen now?” Esme asked in a worried tone. “We can’t allow him near Bella.”

“You haven’t heard the best part,” Emmett said gleefully. “Carlisle totally owned those flea bitten pups, he basically rewrote the treaty and they didn’t say a word!”

“I didn’t rewrite it precisely,” Carlisle said modestly. “I merely capitalized on their confusion to ease our way a little.”

“What he means in his quaint little Old England way, is that Bella is now officially a part of the family, and the wolves can’t do a thing about it,” Emmett laughed. “We have agreed to stay off their land, though why we’d want to visit I have no idea, and if they want to see Bella they have to ask.”

He looked positively gleeful as he spoke, hopping from foot to foot like a child promised sweets.

“Hear that Bella, no more smelly dog visitors. Isn’t that great?”

“Emmett,” Esme scolded. “They were Bella’s friends, despite their nature, they seemed to have been looking out for her.”

“Well she had no choice,” Emmett said bitterly. “She was forced to rely on them for protection from Victoria and Laurent.”

“Victoria!” Esme gasped. Carlisle told her everything the wolves had told us about her.

“But if it was not her at the house that day, and it wasn’t any of us, who was it?” Rosalie asked. “Do you think it could have been _him?_ ”

I shook my head. “I would have seen that, I’ve been watching for him and he’s made no decisions at all lately.”

“Are you sure about that?” she asked skeptically. “You didn’t see Bella being attacked after all, you could have missed this too.”

“That is enough,” Esme spoke harshly. “Bella does not need to listen to you two squabbling like children. We don’t know why Alice didn’t see the attack, but it is done now.”

“I have a theory about that,” Carlisle said. “Alice can you see any of the wolves now you have met them?”

I focused for a moment on the Alpha, Sam but there was nothing. It wasn’t clouded like it was for Edward as he wasn’t making conscious decisions, but black, as if there was no future there at all. I scanned Jasper’s future, and it was clear up until late tomorrow afternoon.

“It’s black,” I said. “Completely black, and it blocks off part out Jasper’s future tomorrow afternoon too, then it comes back, clear as a bell, a few hours later.”

“That’s what I thought,” Carlisle said. “I think the wolves have the ability to block your visions Alice, maybe some kind of predator advantage. We will be able to test our theory tomorrow, I suspect the future will cut off as you saw when one of the pack arrives.”

I didn’t like being blind, especially when Bella was in such critical condition, but there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t get a firm grip on her future as she wasn’t making decisions. I could only see her when her path intersected with one of ours.

“We have another problem,” Esme spoke up. “The documents Jenks got us aren’t enough for the hospital, according to that horrible little toad of a doctor, we need a Medical Power of Attorney to have any real say in what happens.”

Jasper hissed a curse. “That damn fool, what do we pay him all that money for if he can’t even get this right?” He pulled out his cell phone and left the room to share some well chosen words with Jenks.

“Dr. Green will be here soon, we should go to the family room,” Carlisle suggested. “Until we have the correct documentation we are at his mercy, so we ought to at least pretend to follow the rules.

I didn’t want to leave Bella so soon, I had barely had any time with her at all, but I saw the sense in Carlisle’s words. I flitted to her side and kissed her temple gently, mindful of all the wires and tubes surrounding her.

“I’ll be back soon, I promise,” I whispered, then headed to the family room.

Jasper was already there, and he pulled me to his side on the loveseat. “Want to talk about it?” he asked.

“Not really,” I said and he nodded his acceptance. That was one of the best things about Jasper, he never pushed, he knew when to leave me to my thoughts.

When the others had all joined us and were seated, Jasper spoke. “I have contacted Jenks and informed him of our displeasure.” He smiled grimly, and I was pretty sure there was an overweight lawyer sitting behind a desk in Seattle right now with a brand new ulcer burning through his stomach. Serves him right.

“He can start the motions for the MPA, but it is going to be difficult.”

“What is the problem?” Carlisle asked.

“He thinks he can get it for us, and soon given her condition, but it’s going to leave a paper trail. We have never gone on record like this before,” he cautioned.

“It doesn’t matter. We will cross that bridge when we come to it, all that matters at the moment is Bella. I don’t understand why her treatment is being dealt with the way it is, according to her chart they are doing little more than keeping her alive. The sooner we can have access to all the information the sooner we can help her,” Carlisle said then turned to me. “Alice, would you be agreeable to a little fact-finding mission?”

I scanned the future and saw what he wanted me to do. This would be fun.

“Absolutely.“

An hour later Jasper and I were outside the records room waiting for the clerk to go to lunch so we could snatch a copy of Bella’s surgical notes.

“Right on time,” I whispered as the balding middle-aged clerk stepped into the hall and locked the door behind him.

We waited till he was out of sight then moved over to the door.

“Stealth or force?” Jasper asked.

“Stealth,” I said, pulling a hair pin from my purse. A few quick twists, and the lock clicked open. We shot inside and closed the door behind us.

“What exactly does Carlisle need?”

“All we can find but most especially the surgeons notes,” I said searching a filing cabinet. “Their system is terrible, someone needs to organize this mess.”

“Why don’t you offer to help them out?” Jasper said.

“Hey, that’s actually a good idea. I could really help...” I trailed off, catching his grin. He was teasing me. I laughed with him then immediately felt guilty. What was I doing here fooling around with my husband, while my sister was lying in a hospital bed barely alive?

“Oh,” I gasped, covering my face with my hands.

“It’s okay darlin’,” Jasper soothed, pulling me into his arms.

“No it’s not!” I said, pushing him away. “Nothing is okay! Charlie is dead, Edward is missing and Bella is...” I couldn't finish, I broke into sobs, allowing him to cradle me in his arms again.

“Strong,” he finished for me. “Bella is strong, she’s going to wake up, and when she does, she’s going to need her best friend.”

“You think so?” I asked. I knew that he knew no more than the rest of us, but I needed his comfort. I felt like a small child seeking reassurance that the monsters in the closet weren’t real. But they were real, _we were real,_ vampires and werewolves, was it any wonder she had been hurt?

“Come on darlin’, let’s find these papers, and then you can get back to Bella.”

“Okay,” I said, rubbing my eyes as if to wipe away the tears I was unable to shed.

“We better hurry,” he warned. “If we leave them alone too long, Rosalie might start braiding Bella’s hair.”

I laughed. Coma or not, that would certainly freak Bella out.


	8. Take Good Care Of My Baby

**Carlisle POV**

_I must not kill Bella’s doctor, I must not kill Bella’s doctor._

Though I chanted the words as a mental litany, they were not doing much to curb the urge to ram this vile little man’s head through the wall.

He sat back in his chair, his hands steepled underneath his chin and a supercilious smile on his face. He had clearly done his research before furnishing his office. The walls were dark and the lighting was focused on the front of his desk, and his chair was raised a clear five inches above those in front of the desk.

The effect was supposed to create an intimidating environment for whoever he happened to be dealing with at the time. Given that I was a centuries old vampire and he was - to coin Esme’s phrase - a horrible little toad of a doctor, I wasn’t too concerned. What did concern me though, was Bella and her health.

“As I already explained to your wife, Dr. Cullen, I cannot share the details of Miss Swan’s care with you until we have proof that you are the legal authority for her. We are in a very difficult position here, so many bureaus involved; the hospital board, the _insurance_ company.”

He put special emphasis on the word insurance, and things suddenly became clear. Charlie would of course have had health insurance through the police department, and that would have covered Bella’s care too, but Charlie was dead. Who was covering her care now?

“I’m glad you mentioned insurance,” I said feigning a calm I didn’t feel. “As Bella’s guardians, we will be covering her healthcare costs, so if you could direct me to the appropriate people to organize that I would be grateful. I also need to speak to them about making a donation, I understand there is an appeal for a new MRI machine at present.”

His eyes lit up, and again I had to quash the urge to attack him. All this was because of money. Why didn’t the damn man say that from the start? No wonder they hadn’t inserted a central line, treatments like that were expensive, I wondered what other care Bella had missed out on because of this.

“The billing department is on the second floor,” he said, far more agreeable now. “They will be happy to help you. And you can speak to me about the MRI appeal, I am heading the committee for the fundraising.”

_Why does that not surprise me?_

“Wonderful, do you accept personal checks?”

He tried for a dignified nod, but he still wore the expression of a puppy dancing for treats. I pulled out my checkbook and wrote a check. When I handed it to him his eyes bugged out in a comical expression, as well he should, I had just given him enough to buy his MRI machine and still have enough left to cover the costs of running it for a year or two.

“Now,” I said leaning forward in my chair. ”I would like to talk about Bella.”

“What would you like to know?”

Again, I was stunned by just how much difference money made. Before he wouldn’t say a thing, now I was willing to bet he would recite her chart in a barbershop quartet if I asked.

“Why was the ethics committee convened? Why haven’t you put in a PICC line? What is the plan for her rehabilitation?”

He looked awkward as I fired off my questions, but I could hear the rest of the family loitering nearby, and they needed answers as much as I did.

“The ethics committee was convened after her first surgery. Not all of the damage to her heart was able to be repaired, and it was thought by some, that a second surgery might be the way to go. They decided against it, citing the risk of fatality outweighed the benefits.”

“So, you decided a _wait-and-see_ approach would be better?” I said smoothly.

He seemed pleased to be speaking to a fellow ‘medical man’ and nodded vigorously. “Exactly. Why risk her life when there is so much uncertainty?”

“Well, perhaps because it could save her life,” I suggested. “From what I understand of her condition, the damage is not nearly as repaired as you seem to think. In fact, is it not true that instead of grafting the aorta, the surgeon merely sutured the area?”

He looked stunned at my knowledge, I had gleaned a lot from Bella chart, not to mention Alice and Jasper’s little breaking and entering session in the records department.

“That choice was made-“

“That choice was made to save money,” I cut him off. “I understand how these things work, Bella had no insurance. Now she does. When can we schedule her surgery?”

“I’m afraid you still don’t have the authority to give consent for any surgery,” he said, returning to his previous arrogance. “Until you have the Medical Power of Attorney, you are merely her guardians.”

“Fine,” I said harshly, goaded beyond endurance. “We have already set things in motion for that, and once we have it, you will be having this same conversation with me. In the meantime, can I rest assured you will take a more proactive stance on Bella’s care?”

“Of course I will, I have-“

“Thank you,” I said curtly, cutting off his babbling, heading out of his office and back to the family.

I found them in the family room on Bella’s ward and joined them, taking a seat beside Esme. This room was starting to feel like a board room. We always seemed to congregate here when things needed to be discussed.

“How is Bella?” I asked.

“The same, Jenny is in there talking to her now,” Esme answered. “What happened with Dr. Toad? We heard most of your conversation, but didn’t understand it all.”

“Well as you no doubt heard, he was fairly compliant once I made a donation to the hospital.”

“How much did you give him?” Emmett asked.

“Enough to pay Alice’s credit card bills for a couple of months,” I said with a wry smile. Alice chuckled.

“What was that stuff about the surgery?” Jasper asked. “What did they do wrong?”

I rubbed my face as if to wake myself up, a human habit so ingrained in me that I did it without thought now.

“When Jacob pushed Bella aside he damaged her heart, the technical term is _Traumatic Aortic Transection._ In reality, she was lucky to last as long as she did without surgery, it’s almost always fatal.”

“What’s a traumatic aortic whatever you said?” Emmett asked impatiently.

Other than Rosalie – who had been to medical school – they all looked confused. She looked horrified, she understood the dire nature of Bella’s injury.

“It normally happens in car accidents,” I explained. “The force of impact cause the aorta to tear. The surgery they performed would usually involve placing a graft over the tear, they didn’t do that here, they just did a quick repair job.”

“So, when can we get them to go in and fix it properly?” Alice asked.

I looked to Jasper.

“Jenks has a court time booked for us tomorrow, you and Esme need to go with the document we have. It shouldn’t be a problem, Jenks is eager to make up for his mistake,” he smiled sardonically. “Come to think of it, you might want to give him a quick physical while you’re there, he’s not much good to us dead.”

“Well, once we have that organized we can arrange the surgery,” I said. “Is there anything else we need to discuss?”

Nobody had anything else to say, but I saw Rosalie give me a curious look. We made our way back to Bella’s room, but it was empty.

“It’s okay,” Jenny spoke from behind us. “They have just taken her to put in a central line. I don’t know what you said to Dr. Green, but he’s been running around like a headless chicken ordering all kinds of tests and procedures, Bella will soon have more pictures of her inner workings than I’ve had bad dates.”

So, I had got through to him partially at least. Good.

We stood waiting for Bella to return, Esme and Rosalie were chatting with Jenny, Alice seemed a little out of sorts, which could just be due to the situation with Bella, but I made a mental note to speak with her later regardless. There was little else I could do for my human daughter right now, and it made me feel at least a little better to be able to help my other children.

With the exception of my first child of course. Where was he?


	9. A Hard Day's Night

**Jared POV**

I shot to a sitting position drenched in sweat, my heart racing. It was the dream again, the same dream that had been tormenting me for the last three weeks.

It always started the same, Sam and I on patrol, just like a hundred other times. There was no sign of the redhead, and we were just heading back to switch off with Paul and Embry when another mind joined ours. Jacob.

He was enraged, we could barely make out his thoughts they were so chaotic, but we felt the anger and recognized the surroundings, it was Charlie Swans house. We ran towards the house, pushing ourselves to the limit when his thoughts suddenly became crystal clear.

_She did this, she did this to me._

Bella was flying at him, pounding him with her feeble human blows, screaming words that made no sense, ‘You killed him!’

Killed who?

 _Jacob what has happened?_ Sam asked.

He did not respond, but we felt his anger and shock.

_She’s too close._

_NO!_

But _e_ ven as we bellowed the words at him, we knew it was too late. With a casual wave of a paw, Bella was flung back from him, her chest a mess of torn flesh and blood.

She fell to the floor with unnatural grace, and Jacob’s thoughts became suddenly clear.

_Oh god, I didn’t mean… I just wanted to… oh God, oh God…_

_PHASE BACK,_ Sam ordered in the alpha tone, and Jacob’s thoughts vanished.

We shot out of the trees and into the yard. Phasing to human form we ran through the door, pulling on our shorts as we went. Some habits were too ingrained to break.

Sam caught Jacob around the chest as he made his way over to Bella, holding him back. I stood frozen for a second in the doorway, Charlie Swan was laying on the floor, clearly dead. His chest a mess of torn flesh. Bella was beside him, gasping for breath, her usually pale complexion now grey, she too bore the marks of Jacobs claws. I dropped to her side, looking for something to staunch the bleeding, there was so much blood.

“Have you called an ambulance?” Sam asked, shaking Jacob roughly when he didn’t answer.

“Ambulance?” he said vaguely. “No, is she okay?”

Sam pushed him away and reached for the phone.

I seized a towel from the counter and held it to her wound.

“It’s going to be okay, Bella,” I said. “You’re going to be fine.”

Her eyes opened, but she stared straight through me, her expression glazed.

Then she smiled, a beautiful elated smile that made her look like an angel, even as her heart stopped.

That was the point I always woke panting, sure I was back in that room with a dead Bella in my arms.

 _She’s not dead_ , I assured myself as I pulled on my sneakers and made my way out the door.

I jogged down to the beach, the chilly wind clearing my head. I spotted Sam and Jacob sitting on the log and made my way over to them.

“Hey guys,” I greeted.

“Jared,” Sam acknowledged me, but Jacob ignored my presence. Instead, he continued the argument I had apparently interrupted when I arrived.

“It’s not right, Sam,” he growled. “They shouldn’t be here, they might hurt her.”

“We have no choice, Jacob, they have the legal right to be there, you know they are her guardians.”

“That’s a load of bullshit. Those papers are fake, and you know it.”

“They probably are,” Sam agreed. “But even so, they have the resources to help Bella, we don’t.”

“Money,” he spat. “This is all about their money.”

“We couldn’t even afford to cover Bella’s hospital bills for a day,” Sam said softy. “They can and they can make sure she gets the best treatment available.”

“Yeah, their leader is a doctor,” I put in. “He’ll know the best treatments and stuff.”

“Yeah, I bet he will,” Jacob said with a mirthless laugh. “One bite and she’ll be all better. They’ll make her a filthy leech just like them.”

“They might,” Sam said thoughtfully.

“And if they do, what are you going to do about it?” Jacob asked aggressively.

“There is nothing I _can_ do, Jacob. We are in a difficult position as it is, I know it was an accident, nobody understands that better than I, but Bella was hurt by one of us. _We_ broke the treaty.”

“So they say,” Jacob sneered. “We don’t know that.”

“No we don’t, we only have the words passed down father to son and even Billy admitted he didn’t know the exact wording. Regardless, if we challenge them it will end in bloodshed. Would you sacrifice your pack brothers so easily?”

“We can take them,” he insisted. “We did that Laurent leech without too much trouble.”

“Yes, caught unaware and five against one,” I said.

“So you’re both a bunch of leech lovers now!” Jacob snarled, jumping to his feet. “I thought we were supposed to protect people. If you won’t help me–“

“You will stay away from Bella and the Cullens,” Sam said his voice ringing with authority. “Do you understand?”

“Yes,” Jacob growled. Though the alpha command was not as potent as it would be if we were in our wolf forms Jacob was still forced to obey. “Can I go now or do you want me to hang around and listen to you talk about your new friends the bloodsuckers?”

“You can go,” Sam said tiredly.

Jacob ran off into the forest phasing in one swift bound.

“Who’s patrolling now?” I asked.

“Leah and Paul.”

“That should be interesting,” I said, stretching. “Paul will be encouraging him in his plans to fight the Cullens, and Leah will be reminding him of the inconvenience he has caused.”

Sam snorted. “Probably. I thought you were going to get some sleep?”

Thoughts of my uneasy slumber crept into my mind and my smile faded.

“The dreams again?” Sam asked shrewdly.

I nodded.

“Me too,” he admitted.

“They’re driving me crazy!” I blurted. “Every time it’s the same. I’m left holding her body as she dies.”

“But she didn’t die, Jared,” he said gripping my shoulder. “She is alive, thanks to you. The EMT said you probably stopped her from bleeding out right there.“

“I know, it’s just hard to get it out of my head.”

“Why don’t you go and see her?” he suggested innocently. “That might set your mind at ease.”

I eyed him suspiciously. “And while I’m there I can test the waters so to speak? See how the Cullens are doing, see if they are plotting to attack La Push to for revenge?”

“Yes,” he said it baldly, without apology. “I don’t believe they will be planning to attack us, but I admit I want to know what they are thinking.

“I will go,” I said. “And if find anything out I will tell you, but that is not why I am going. I _care_ about Bella and I want to make sure she’s okay.” 

“I care about her too, Jared,” he said, there was a hint of hurt in his tone. “But, I also care about our people, it’s not easy being in charge and sometimes it means sending others to do things you yourself cannot.”

Later that afternoon I made my way to the Olympic Medical Center.

The leader had said we could see her as long as we had one of them with us, but that didn’t stop my feelings of foreboding as I approached the entrance.

“What are you doing here _dog_?” I turned and saw the huge bloodsucker and a blonde female I didn’t know. It was her that had spoken.

“It’s okay, Rose,” the huge guy said. “This is, Jared, he was one of the ones that took care of Bella. Have you come to see her?”

“If that’s okay,” I said. It felt wrong to be speaking like this to one of my natural enemies, but I didn’t want to push my luck. I _really_ wanted to see Bella.

“Yeah, it’s fine,” he said cheerfully. “I’m Emmett, I know we met the other day, but things were a little crazy then, this is my mate, Rosalie.”

She gave me a cold nod, but didn’t speak.

“Well come on then, let’s go see Bells, Alice should be done by now anyway,” he said enthusiastically. 

“What’s she doing to her?” I asked, concerned.

“Giving her a makeover,” the blonde, Rosalie, scoffed.

“She’s what?” Admittedly I didn’t know a lot about people in a coma, but I didn’t think a makeover was usual practice.

“Rose is exaggerating, Alice is just giving Bella a bed bath, cleaning her up a bit you know.”

“Oh, right.”

As we made our way up the corridor to Bella’s room I noticed the difference, whenever we had been here before there was a very different atmosphere. It was tense and quiet, the only sounds being the beeping and hissing of machines and soft footfalls of nurses and doctors. Now there were voices talking and soft music playing.

Emmett opened the door to Bella’s room and called out in a loud voice, “Hey Bells, how you doing, one of your wolf friends is here to see you.”

I stepped inside and noticed the marked difference in the room. There was an iPod connected to a small speaker playing music, and the blinds were open filling the room with light. More than that though were the people, or rather the vampires. The tiny female, I remembered was called Alice, was sitting at Bella’s head braiding her hair into two plaits, the scarred male was sitting at the other side reading aloud from a book.

The room was full of life, almost as if Bella was the guest at a party she happened to be sleeping through. As we entered, the blonde took a bottle of lotion from her purse and began smoothing it onto Bella’s hand and Emmett thumped down into a chair, gesturing me to join him.

“Different, huh?” he said with a wide grin.

“Very,” I admitted. “Where is your leader and the other female?”

“Our _father_ and Esme are in Seattle,” Rosalie said waspishly. “They had an appointment with a judge.”

I wanted to know more, but didn’t dare ask. Vampire issues aside, that chick was scary. Instead, I focused my attentions on Bella, on the sounds of the machines breathing for her and the steady beep of her heart on the monitor.

The image of her from my dream, smiling as she died, flashed through my mind and I fought back a shudder.

The scarred vampire halted his reading mid sentence and turned to me. “You okay?” He must be the one with the gift for emotions.

I shrugged. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

He put his book down. “Come outside with me for a minute.”

“Cool, can I read?” Emmett said excitedly.

“No.” All the others answered at once.

“You do silly voices,” Alice continued, “I don’t care how funny _you_ find it, Bella does not want to hear Mr. Darcy speak with the voice of Kermit the Frog.”

I followed the scarred guy out to a balcony off of the main corridor.

“I’m Jasper,” he introduced himself. “Do you know about my gift? Has Bella told you?”

I noted the way he said ‘has’ when speaking of Bella, they all seemed to be including her in everything as if she was awake and fine. I found I liked it.

“Yes, she told me. You feel emotions right?”

“I do, so I felt your emotions in there when you were looking at Bella. Do you want to talk it?”

“I have nightmares,” I said before I could stop myself. “Horrible nightmares about that day, I see her dead.”

“Understandable, I imagine if we slept we’d have nightmares too. I don’t know how much he can do, given your wolf nature, but Carlisle may be able to give you something to help you sleep.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Why, what?” He looked at me curiously.

“Why would he help me? I’m a wolf, he’s a vampire.”

“Because despite our different natures, Carlisle cares. He is a good man and if he can help you he will.”

I looked at him doubtfully. The leader hadn’t seemed like he cared too much the other day in the woods. As if reading my mind he continued.

“What you saw the other day was a distraught father reacting to the news of his daughters attack. Bella _is_ his and Esme’s daughter in every way that matters. I have been with this coven for over fifty years and that was the first time I had ever seen him like that. Trust me, he’ll want to help.”

I was about to respond when he stiffened for a moment then smiled. “They’re back! Come on.”

We hurried back to Bella’s room just in time to see the doctor and his wife arrive.

They both moved to Bella’s side first and kissed her temple whispering words of greeting before they stood and addressed the rest of us.

“Jared, nice to see you,” the doctor greeted then turned to the others. “We got it.”

Their mingled outbursts of relief and joy confused me. “Umm got what?”

“We have been unable to take full responsibility for Bella due to a legal issue, we had to go to see a judge today to get a Medical Power of Attorney. Now we have that we can see that her treatment is better handled.”

“Oh, right.” I wondered what Jacob would say if he knew they had _real_ legal rights to Bella. I’d find out soon enough.

I watched them all chatting and discussing their plans and found myself thinking how human they seemed. Though the others probably wouldn’t believe me if I tried to explain, there was no doubt in my mind that they really were a family and they truly cared about Bella.

If only they didn’t smell so bad.


	10. Things We Said Today

**Jasper POV**

I threw down the carcass of the deer I had drained and brushed the dirt from my shirt. 

We were all being especially careful of our thirst given the amount of time we were spending in the hospital. Emmett, Rose and I had come out to hunt, while Alice sat with Bella, and Carlisle and Esme met with the doctor.

Now that we had the Medical Power of Attorney, we were able to find out exactly what was going on with Bella, and had already had a tense discussion when Carlisle divulged the full details of her care. Or rather the lack of.

We had been incensed to discover that the ethics committee had not merely met to discuss the second surgery the doctor alluded to, but to discuss the transfer of Bella to a different, government funded hospital. Thankfully they had decided her condition was too critical to move her, but the fact they considered it was bad enough.

Since Carlisle’s donation to the hospital, Bella had undergone a barrage of tests, and the results were being shared with Carlisle and Esme now. I knew Carlisle was eager to schedule a second surgery to repair the damage to Bella’s heart, but Rosalie didn’t seem as certain. She was the only one of us that had been to medical school, and she knew the risks involved. Well Edward would know too, but we didn’t know where he was. 

Alice had been searching the future in vain trying to get a glimpse of him ever since we had arrived, but it was useless. He was still clouded to her sight and until he made a conscious decision, or stopped whatever it was he was doing to block her, we couldn’t reach him. Emmett had taken a rather harsh view of Edward since our return, and though he didn’t speak of it around Bella, I knew he was planning on exacting some retribution when we eventually found him, retribution I was tempted to join him in.

Rose and Emmett strolled through the trees at that moment, Rosalie was looking particularly tense. Since we had returned from our meeting with the wolves to find her giving Bella a manicure, she had dropped her indifferent act and was more tactile with her. Alice was struggling with this a little, and when we were alone she would often vent her frustrations.

“What does she think she’s doing?” She had raged to me the night before after we had walked with Jared to the exit. “She never cared before and now she’s all over Bella like a rash!”

I could feel the conflict in Rosalie when she was around Bella, and knew she was trying her damndest to get over her jealousy, but it was so much a part of who she was so she was really struggling. It had been easy for her when Bella was just an annoying human. She could dismiss her as a foolish child for wanting to be a vampire, but now that she was in such dire health, she was forced to examine her feelings a little deeper. I loved Rosalie, but deep refection was not her strong suit.

“Ready to head back?” Emmett asked. 

I disposed of the evidence of my hunt and nodded.

“Race ya?” he said, grinning.

“Sure, why not.” The words were barely out of my mouth before he shot off towards the hospital.

Laughing I took off after him and soon caught up, Emmett may be stronger, but I was faster. I reached the tree line before him, and when he ground to a halt I was leaning against a tree, smiling lazily.

“Cheater,” he grumbled.

We waited for Rosalie to join us, then made our way into the hospital and along to Bella’s room. 

Alice was reading to her and Esme and Carlisle were still not back from their meeting.

We each greeted Bella and I opened my mouth to ask when Carlisle and Esme would be back, but Alice cut me off.

“They’ll be back in five minutes,” she said forestalling my question. “They are just going over some paperwork now.”

“Good,” Emmett said dropping into a chair. “I want to know what Dr. Toad said.”

“They’re going over some of the test results at the moment,” she said. “I don’t know any more, it’s all medical gobbledygook to me.”

I stood in the corner and focused on the emotions of the room for a moment. It was a vast difference from the shock and pain everyone had felt when we had first arrived. The general emotional tone of the room was now calm contentedness. There was always the undercurrent of pain, you couldn’t help it when faced with the gravity of the situation, but it wasn’t predominant anymore.

The only exception to this was Bella, she was a void of numb calm. I guessed it was the effects of her being in a coma, and all the medications. It was a little unnerving to be around someone with no fluctuations in their mood though, so I was grateful that there was usually a group of us here at a time.

Five minutes later Esme and Carlisle came back into the room. Esme moved to Bella’s side and kissed her forehead as Carlisle addressed the rest of us.

“Can you come into the family room for a moment? We have things to discuss.”

I was curious, we usually tried to keep Bella as involved in our conversations as possible, in fact we probably shared more with her now than we had when she was awake. Carlisle’s caution made me think he had news that may upset her.

Esme slipped out and came back with Jenny who greeted Bella with her usual effervescence.

“Hey Bella, I hear we get to have a little time to chat while your family go deal with the paperwork. That’ll be nice, wont it? You haven’t heard the staff room gossip for days.”

We filed out of the room, and as the door slid shut I heard Jenny start her story.

“Well, remember Karen, the one with the botched boob job? Well you’ll never guess what’s she done now.”

Chuckling, Carlisle led us to the family room and we all took a seat. I pulled Alice to my side, Carlisle emotions were particularly tense and it worried me.

“What’s wrong, Carlisle?” Rosalie asked, picking up on his tension.

“Nothing is wrong exactly,” he started. “We just have some important decisions to make.” 

“Shoot,” Emmett said.

“I have been over the results of the tests Dr. Green ran and the news is not all good. Bella’s MRI showed no brain damage from the her injuries, which is positive, but her heart function is severely damaged. She will need a second surgery to place a graft over the leaking tear. With that kind of surgery comes inherent risks.”

“Such as?” Alice asked.

“She may not survive the surgery at all,” Carlisle said sadly. “She will have to be placed on a heart lung machine while they work, and they may not be able to take her off again. There is a risk of damage to the vocal chords and more seriously, a risk of lower limb paralysis.”

“But what if they don’t operate?” I asked. “What will happen then?”

“She will most certainly die,” Carlisle answered, his expression haunted. “Charlie is dead and Renee is still absent, we need to make this decision together, ordinarily Edward would be the one to decide, he is her mate, but he’s not here.”

“I still can’t get a clear sight on him,” Alice said. “I have been trying.”

“Well, in his absence I think we should put it to a vote. What do you think?”

“Hold up, am I the only person here thinking the obvious?” Emmett said. “Why don’t we just change her? The venom repairs all right? We can change her and then she’ll be fine.”

Rosalie hissed. 

“It wouldn’t work Emmett,” Carlisle said sadly, ignoring Rosalie completely. “The damage to her heart is too severe, the venom wouldn’t have enough time to work before her heart failed.

We were all silent for a moment. I, and I’m sure most of us, had come to think of venom as the ultimate solution, that as long as Bella’s heart was beating then we’d be able to change her and all would be well. It was a shock to find there was something it couldn’t do, that there was no back-up here. We were stuck using human medicine and it was so flawed.

“Then there is no choice,” Esme said, breaking the silence. “She needs to have the surgery.”

Emmett and Alice both nodded their agreement, but I was studying Rosalie, she looked almost pained.

“Rosalie, what are you thinking?” I asked.

“I don’t know if it’s what she wants, how can we make this decision for her, we aren’t her family, not really. If something goes wrong she could be left mute, or paralyzed, or dead.”

“And if we do nothing she will certainly die,” Carlisle said. “We _are_ her family, I know you are only now beginning to form a bond with her, Rose, but the rest of us already have that. She is my daughter.”

She looked saddened, and didn’t speak anymore.

“Jasper, what do you think?” Esme asked.

“I don’t think we have a choice, if this is what will keep her alive it’s what we need to do,” I stated.

“Good,” Carlisle said, his emotions showing his clear relief. “Is there anything else we need to discuss?”

“What about Renee?” Emmett asked. “Has anyone heard anything about her?”

“The Jacksonville police are going to visit their house today,” Carlisle said. “I spoke to the Forks police earlier and they said they would contact us if they heard anything. They asked us to keep them informed on Bella’s progress in return.”

That made me think of Bella’s other friends. When we had left Forks she’d had a good group of friends at school. Other that the wolves, there had been no sign of anyone else visiting her. 

Where were they now?

What had happened while we were gone?


	11. Crying, Waiting, Hoping

**Alice POV**

Monday morning we were all congregated in Bella’s room waiting for them to come and take her down for her surgery. I doubt any of us could have slept the night before, even if we were physically able to. The tension was palpable and Jasper especially had a difficult time dealing with it.

I sat at Bella’s bedside just looking at her, try as I might I couldn’t dispel the idea that this may be the last time I would see her alive. I thought back to the last words I had spoken to her before we left, the last time I had _really_ seen her. _"You can thank me later, when you've opened them."_ I had said it as I had given her the pile of unopened gifts. But there had been no _later_ , she had gone home with Edward and we didn’t see her again until now. Edward had come home in the early hours of the morning while she slept and demanded we all leave.

“No goodbyes,” he had said. “It will be easier if you are already gone, easier for her.”

I had raged against him, screamed, cried, and begged all to no avail. His decision was made, and as Carlisle reminded us all, it was his decision to make. I don’t think I could have left, if not for my certainty that it would only be temporary. I was sure his feelings for Bella would force him to return sooner or later, I never imagined that there may not be a Bella for him to return to.

“I’m sorry, Bella,” I whispered, stroking her hand. “I am so sorry.”

I felt a comforting hand on my back and I turned expecting to see Jasper, but it was Rosalie there instead.

“She’d understand,” she said simply.

“You think?” I asked. My feelings for Rosalie had been complex and confusing recently. Jasper assured me that her changed behavior towards Bella was genuine, that she was trying to make amends, but I still struggled with it. I was Bella’s best friend, her sister, surely it was my job to comfort and protect her. How did I know if she would feel comfortable having Rosalie so close?

 _Or..._ A small voice whispered in the back of my mind. _Maybe you just don’t like sharing._

I banished the voice and the thoughts. I didn’t want to examine them at the moment. Instead I addressed Rosalie.

“Do you really think she’d understand?”

“Are you kidding? This is Bella we’re talking about,” Emmett said with a laugh. “I bet she would have apologized to Jasper for bleeding if she’d been given a chance.”

I laughed, he was quite right. I tried to imagine what Bella would be thinking if she could speak now, she’d probably be apologizing for all the trouble she was causing.

Jenny maintained that we should keep a happy atmosphere around her, that she could hear us, but Carlisle was not so sure, he said she was so heavily medicated that it was doubtful she could hear a thing. Though he too spoke to her as if she was here. Jasper said her emotions were unreadable, ‘a calm void’ he described it as, but this was Bella, she never did as we expected, who’s to say she was not laying there listening to every word we said?

I was pulled from my musings by the arrival of Jenny.

“They are ready for her now,” she said.

“Just give us a moment please,” Carlisle said and she nodded.

I didn’t want to let go of her hand, once they took her away I would be unable to see anything and, though I knew I was of no more use sitting here beside her now than I would be in the operating room with her, at least here I could see her.

Carlisle had requested permission to perform the surgery, but he had been refused as he was Bella’s guardian, nor would they let him be present in the operating room itself. He had been allowed into the gallery and that had taken some serious bargaining and another hefty donation to the new Pyxis MedStation appeal. I had a suspicion that Dr. Toad was going to use us to revamp the entire wing.

“Come on darlin’, she’ll be back soon enough,” Jasper said, coming to my side.

I released Bella’s hand and kissed her on the cheek. “I’ll be right here when you get back,” I promised.

I moved to the side and let Esme and Carlisle each have their moment.

“Take care sweetheart,” Esme said, her voice breaking on the last word.

“See you soon, Bells” Emmett said patting her hand. Though his tone was light, his face was a study in pain.

Rosalie didn’t speak at all, she just touched a kiss to her hand and stood back.

“I’ll be right there with you,” Carlisle said kissing her forehead.

“Take care darlin’,” Jasper said softly then took me into his arms.

Jenny poked her head around the door. “We ready to go?”

Carlisle nodded and in a flurry of movement Bella was wheeled out of the room. It felt strange to be in here without her, wrong somehow.

“Can we go to the family room?” Emmett asked, echoing my feelings. “I don’t like being in here without her.”

“Of course,” Carlisle said. “I better get to the gallery, I will keep you all informed as best I can, if I am there Alice may be able to see something too.”

I hadn't thought of that and felt slightly comforted. At least I would have _some_ idea of what was happening.

He kissed Esme on the cheek and left, the rest of us trailed into the family room and took our seats.

Emmett pulled Rosalie to his side and she buried her face in his shoulder. Jasper tugged my arm, but I was looking at Esme. She was sitting alone, staring at the door Carlisle had just walked out with an expression of deep pain.

“Here mom,” I said moving to sit beside her, pulling Jasper along with me. “You can sit with us.”

She took my hand gratefully. “Thank you sweetheart, can you see anything yet?”

I focused on Carlisle, I was only able to see a few seconds ahead and he was just making his way to the gallery now.

“He’s on his way now,” I said, feeling a little like a sports announcer. “He’s taking his seat.”

“Can’t you see Bella?” Rosalie asked impatiently.

“No, he is too far away from her,” I said apologetically.

“You’re doing fine, Alice,” Esme said, shooting Rosalie a stern look. “Just tell us what you _can_ see.”

I settled back in my seat and let my eyes fall closed, focusing on Carlisle.

He sat forward, his hands clasped between his knees, almost as if he was fighting the urge to jump to his feet and right the surgeon from the scalpel to do it himself. I analyzed his every expression, every minute change in his features and tried to glean information from them.

We went on like this for almost an hour when I saw him get to his feet and leave the room. He didn’t seem unduly worried so I assumed he was coming to give us an update.

A moment later he entered the room and Esme shot to her feet and into his arms.

“It’s okay,” he soothed. “She’s doing well so far, her stats are remaining stable and they are just preparing the graft now. She will be placed on the heart lung machine in a moment, I just wanted to check in with you all.”

“We’re fine, Alice has been keeping us updated as best she can.”

He smiled. “Yes, I had the feeling someone was watching me, I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful.”

“That’s okay dear, you get back to Bella now, she needs you close by, we have each other.”

He kissed her on the cheek and headed back out the door.

I slipped back into the vision and watched him walking back along the corridor and to the gallery. He stood for a moment at the window that gave him view onto the surgery and placed his hand on the glass. It was a tender gesture, it looked as if he was trying to form a connection to Bella herself. After a moment he stepped back and took his seat, his hands clasped between his knees again.

“What’s the smile for?” Emmett asked.

“Just Carlisle, being Carlisle,” I said with a shrug.

He looked confused but Esme understood, she smiled warmly and squeezed my hand.

“How much longer do you think this is going to take?” Esme asked.

“Another hour at least,” Rosalie said, “It can ta-- Alice what’s wrong?”

I had jumped to my feet, as had Carlisle. He was now standing with his hands pressed to the glass, a look of horror on his face.

“What the hell is going on, Alice?” Emmett demanded.

“I don’t know,” I said weakly. “Something is wrong, Carlisle’s upset.”

“Screw this, I’m going down there,” he said savagely.

“You can’t,” Rosalie said. “You won’t be allowed...”

I tuned her voice out, and focused on Carlisle. He was now standing with his hands clasped beneath his chin and an expression of deepest concentration. Though I had never seen him in this pose before, I knew exactly what it meant. He was praying.

He slowly lowered his hands, yet his posture stayed taught, all his focus on the vision before him that I couldn’t see. He seemed to be battling with himself and eventually he gave the unseen vision a tense look and left the room. I thought he was returning to us, but instead he went to the scrub room and donned a gown and mask.

A nurse came into the room and tried to stop him entering the OR, but after a few terse words he brushed past her. _Now_ I could see Bella, and I wished I couldn’t.

I was a vampire, I had seen terrible things, before I had control of my thirst I had _done_ terrible things, but never had I felt so sickened.

Bella was lying sideways on the operating table, held in place by straps and pillows, her arm held above her head, and a gaping hole in the side of her chest. I didn’t want to look, but at the same time couldn’t bear to stop.

I focused on Carlisle instead, he was shouting at the doctor, demanding to know if they got it back. Whatever _it_ was I had no idea, but it was surely serious.

“Dr. Cullen you need to leave,” someone was saying. “You don’t have the authority to be in here.”

“I don’t care about authority, that is my daughter!” he burst out.

The movement around Bella was frantic and although I could hear the demands for information from the others I couldn’t tell them anything. I didn’t understand what was happening other that the fact Carlisle was dangerously close to losing control and taking over whatever was happening in that OR himself.

One of the machines started beeping again and Carlisle stared at the machine as if memorizing it. I stared with him, not knowing what the hell I was looking at. It wasn’t until his tense expression broke into one of relief that I breathed again.

Ignoring the questions and demands of the doctor Carlisle walked back into the scrub room and removed his gown and mask.

“I’ll be right there, Alice,” he said and I fell back into my chair, pulling from the vision.

It was like the volume had been switched to max, I had been so lost in the vision that the sounds around me were muted, now they assaulted my ears again.

“...me what’s happening, Alice, I am going to slap you,” Rosalie was growling.

“Carlisle is coming, I don’t exactly know what happened, but I think it’s okay now,” I said.

“What did you see?” Jasper asked, his tone was gentle but the intensity was clear in his expression.

“I don’t know,” I said sadly. “It was confusing.”

Rosalie opened her mouth to speak but was cut off as the door swung open and Carlisle shot through it.

There was a mess of noise as everyone fired off questions at him at once.

“What happened?”

“Is she okay?”

“What went wrong?”

“Did someone fuck up?”

“She’s okay,” Carlisle said cutting off our questions. “There was a complication with the surgery, blood flow was compromised for a time, but she’s okay now.”

“Blood flow,” Rosalie said quietly, sharing an intense look with Carlisle.

“Cut that shit out now,” Emmett said angrily. “Tell us what the fuck is going on!”

“It’s what we discussed before,” Carlisle said. “The blood flow was compromised when they transferred her from the heart-lung machine.”

“That’s the spine thing right?” Emmett asked.

“Yes, the blood flow was compromised to her spinal cord, but the length of time also meant that the cerebral blood flow was diminished.”

“In English please, Carlisle,” Jasper said, his impatience clear.

“Her brain,” he said simply.

Esme gasped and Emmett swore loudly.

 _Her brain,_ but that couldn’t be right, I may not have been to medical school like Edward or Rosalie, but even I knew what that meant. Brain damage. Bella couldn't be brain damaged, she just couldn’t.

“How do they fix that?” Emmett asked. “Another operation, therapy, drugs?”

Carlisle looked as if he was searching for the right words, but he failed. It was Rosalie that spoke.

“They don’t,” she said it softly, sympathetically. “If Bella’s brain has been damaged there is nothing they can do.”


	12. I Should Have Known Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter carries a trigger warning for suicide.

**Chapter Twelve — I Should Have Known Better**

**Jasper POV**

_Brain damage_

The words resounded in the room and the accompanying emotions were fast becoming too much for me to deal with.

I needed to get out, to get away from their pain, their shock, their damn depression. It felt like I was being crushed, but I couldn’t leave. Alice needed me, Esme needed me, hell they _all_ needed me.

“We don’t know anything for sure yet,” Carlisle said. “We need to wait until they can do their tests.”

“When will that be?” Alice asked.

“At least not for twenty-four hours,” he replied. “They are closing now, once she’s moved to recovery we can see her, and once she has been stabilized they can access the possible... damage.”

Esme sobbed into his chest. I felt a gradually building rage coming from Emmett and I turned to him. He looked like he was barely containing his fury.

“Come on Em,” I said taking his arm. “Let’s go hunt.”

He seemed unable to form words, he merely nodded curtly.

We made our way outside the hospital at a fast pace and as soon as we made the tree line we broke into a run. I let him go ahead, he needed to vent his frustration, and to be honest his rage was feeding my own emotions and I needed some space.

I heard the smashing of boulders and crashing of trees mixed with deep, guttural roars. I made my way slowly towards the sound and found Emmett surrounded by splintered trees and shards of rock. He was panting unnecessarily, his eyes black with fury.

“Did it help?” I asked gesturing to the destruction around him. I meant it seriously, if it had helped him I would try some destruction for myself, God knows I needed to do something.

“What?” he looked at me blankly.

“I asked if it helped.”

“Oh,” he looked at the chaos surrounding him as if seeing it for the first time. “Not really.”

He sat down on a boulder that had somehow missed his chain of destruction and clenched his hands into fists. “Why her, Jasper?” he asked quietly. “What did she do wrong?”

It was such a childish question. As if there was any justice in the world, as if there really was some kind of karmic balance to life. I had killed hundreds, perhaps thousands, yet here I was not exactly alive but well. And there was Bella, sweet innocent Bella, who never did anything other than befriend the monsters and now she was...

I refused to let that thought finish. I _couldn’t_ let my mind go there.

I heard a gasp and I looked to Emmett, he had his face in his hands and was crying. I averted my eyes, I was not embarrassed to see him cry, but I had a very real fear that if I didn’t I would join him.

Before we left Bella had been a mere temptation, my brother’s human girlfriend, nice enough but don’t get too close in case you snap. After that debacle of a birthday party, I had thought of her more and more, it was inevitable with the emotions of the rest of the family pressing in against me and my own battle for control. Since coming back that had changed to the love of a sister. She _was_ my sister.

“I can’t go back in there Jazz,” he said finally. “I can’t sit and wait for more bad news, I have to _do_ something.”

“What do you want to do?” I asked.

“I want to find that kid Jacob,” he growled. “I want to hurt him like he hurt her, I want to _kill_ him.”

“I don’t know Emm--” I began but he cut me off.

“You can’t seriously be telling me you don’t want him dead too. Think what he did to her!”

I understood how he felt, I too felt the need for action. I wanted to hurt Jacob, make him feel the some of the pain he had caused her. But there would be consequences, Carlisle had said the treaty was void, but the wolves wouldn’t stand by and let us attack one of the pack

He saw my resistance wavering. “Come on Jazz, you and me, we can do it!”

I opened my mouth to say no, but Alice’s face as she had followed Carlisle in her vision came to the forefront of my mind. She had been so scared, in so much pain. Then Bella’s face came, her empty neutral expression as she lay prone in the hospital, surrounded by machines.

Fuck it.

“I’m in,” I said simply and a menacing smile spread across his face.

“Awesome.”

We spread the carnage of his rage around a bit to make it look a little less suspicious then made out way back toward the hospital. We wouldn’t go in, if Carlisle knew what we were doing he’d try to stop us, but Emmett wanted to get close enough to check in on Bella first.

“Where are you going?” A stern voice called to us as we reached the edge of the trees. Rosalie.

“Just going for a run,” I said innocently. “Work off some stress.”

“I call bullshit. You are going after Jacob aren’t you?”

“No... okay, yes. How did you know?”

“Well for starters I am married to Emmett, I know when I’m being lied to, and second, your wife is psychic you moron, what do you think happened when your futures disappeared?”

Crap, I hadn’t thought about that.

“Does Carlisle know too?” I asked. “Is that why you are here?”

“Carlisle knows,” she confirmed. “But that's not why I’m here, I’m coming with you.”

“To stop us?” Emmett asked.

“No, dipshit. I am coming to _help_ you. I want to see the mutt punished too. Carlisle knows what’s happening and he is not arguing. He’s way to stressed out about Bella to stop us anyway.”

“How is she?” Emmett asked.

“The same,” she said sadly, “She’s in recovery now and the others are with her. Now are we going or not?”

“Carlisle really knows about this and is not stopping us?” I asked.

“Yes and yes.” Her tone was calm, no hint of a lie, but her emotions were conflicted. I decided I didn’t care, let Carlisle have his say later, right now, we were hunting wolf.

“Where do you think he’ll be?” Emmett asked. “In La Push?”

I hadn’t considered that. In my anger and desire for revenge I hadn’t put much thought into how we were actually going to find him.

I hoped he wasn’t in La Push, though I had no doubt we could handle ourselves against the pack, I had no desire to hurt any of the others. Especially not Jared, he seemed like a decent kid.

“I know exactly where he will be,” Rosalie said sagely. “He’ll have returned to the scene of the crime. If he can’t be near Bella, he will have gone to the Swan house.”

We directed our steps towards Forks and were a few miles out when we caught a second fresh scent, though it was not one we knew.

“Did you smell that?”

“Vampire,” I answered Emmett. “Nobody I know though, we should check it out.”

The scent led towards the Swan house and soon we could hear the sounds of someone running too.

“It’s okay,” Emmett called. “We just want to talk!”

His kind, if a little naïve words, did not seem to calm the unknown vampire though, if anything they ran faster.

I pushed myself harder, away from Emmett and Rose until I could see the vampire, he was male with short dark hair. I launched myself and caught him around the middle, pinning him to the floor.

He twisted and writhed furiously, snapping his teeth at me any chance he got. Now that I could see him closer I noticed how young he was, barely a man physically and judging by the vibrancy of his crimson eyes he was still in his first year as a vampire too.

His teeth made contact with my forearm and I hissed at the sting of the foreign venom.

“We don’t want to hurt you, but if you bite me again I may change my mind,” I warned him. 

“Yellow eyes… enemy… kill… the special one…” he snarled. I could barely make sense of his words, it was almost impossible to make out the words between the growls and snapping of teeth.

“Emmett, I need a little help here!” I called.

“On it,” he replied as he shot from the trees and came to help me restrain the thrashing newborn. He pinned him down with a knee on his back and a hand around the chin holding his head back.

I stood up, rubbing the new bite on my arm. “What is your name and what are you doing here?”

He didn’t answer me, he merely thrashed harder against Emmett’s restraint and growled. Rose had caught up with us and she moved to help Emmett hold him down.

“We don’t want to hurt you, but we need to know what you are doing here,” I said, but Rosalie immediately disproved my words by gripping a sensitive place of the newborn and squeezing.

“What’s your name?” she asked.

The newborn’s emotions were frantic, there was fear and pain, but dominating it all was determination. He was not about to open up to us, I could have made him but he had done nothing wrong as far as I could see other than being in our territory. Though admittedly the _‘yellow eyes… enemy’_ comment made me curious.

A familiar and foul stench reached us, along with the thudding of paws. The wolves had arrived.

I locked eyes with Emmett and he nodded, this could work in our favor.

The wolves came out of the woods and made straight for the pinned newborn.

“Hey, back off,” Emmett shouted. “He’s not done anything, we’re just talking to him.”

Sam phased to his human form and pulled on his shorts, nodding apologetically to Rose. She ignored him completely.

“That is the vampire that was at the Swan house,” Sam said angrily. “I recognize his scent.”

Emmett growled and pulled the newborn’s head back sharply. “What were you doing at Bella’s house?”

The newborn growled harshly, his pain taking dominance over his determination.

“Scent,” he hissed. “ _She_ needed the scent.”

“Who is she? What does she want with Bella?” I asked, sending him a shot of fear to make him a little more co-operative.

“I won’t tell you,” he snarled. “I will not betray her.” He was clearly more scared of whoever he answered to than us.

“Victoria,” Sam said shrewdly, though the newborn did not answer his emotions gave him away.

Shit. 

The wolves had said she was after Bella but with all the worry and drama of Bella’s health, none of us had discussed the threat she posed. I couldn’t believe we had been so foolish.

“We have been keeping an eye out for her,” Sam said. “We knew you were occupied with Bella, but there has been no sign of her.”

“There wouldn’t be would, she has this idiot doing the dirty work for her,” Rosalie said, then squatted down facing him. “What is your name?”

I hoped Rosalie would have better luck getting through to him than Emmett and I had, I sent him a shot of calm and trust.

“Riley,” he said.

“Why are you working with Victoria?” Rosalie asked gently, to an observer she may have looked sympathetic, even affectionate as she addressed him, but I knew different. This was Rosalie at her most dangerous, cunning and able to do whatever needed to be done to get what she needed.

“She is my mate,” he said. “She told me about the yellow eyes and how they killed her friend. I had to come and get the scent of the special one for the others.”

“Others?” Rosalie said softly, I pushed more calm and trust into him and he slumped against the ground.

“There are more of us, many more, we are going to take the city back from your coven,” he said lazily, he may have been commenting on the weather, such was his tone.

_They’re going to what!?_

I pulled back my influence a little, but it made no difference, he was still slumped on the ground, a stupefied smile on his face.

“Umm, Jazz, I think you need to lower the influence a bit,” Emmett said.

“I have, I’m barely influencing him at all!” I defended, equally as confused.

“How are you going to take the city from us?” Rosalie asked, still in that same gentle persuasive tone.

Emmett caught my eye looking stunned. I nodded. It wasn’t me influencing Riley, it was Rosalie.

“We are building an army,” he said simply. “She heard you were back so I was to come and check.”

“Anything else we need to know?” Rosalie said looking to me.

“Where is Victoria?” I asked.

“I don’t know, she comes to me. My decisions are not safe,” he sounded slightly confused as he said this but the dopey smile did not change.

“That’s all we need,” I said.

Rosalie rose to her feet and brushed herself off. “Well, that was interesting.”

As she moved away from him, Riley seemed to come back to himself. Emmett loosened his grip and with one swift move Riley bucked him off and shot off into the forest. The wolves bounded after him, Sam phasing and joining them.

“Don’t kill him,” I shouted after them. 

“Why not?” Emmet asked. “Seems like we know all he knows, speaking of...” he turned to Rosalie, “what the _hell_ was that? How did you get him to talk like that?”

“Haven’t a clue,” she said. “I was angry at him and wanted to make him talk, and it just... happened.”

“Well whatever it was, it was awesome. I wonder if you could do it on the wolves, persuade them to step aside and let us take care of Jacob.”

She snorted. “Yeah, I’m sure that would work ‘excuse me boys, could you just talk amongst yourselves while I kill your pack mate’. Think it’ll work?”

I chuckled. “Probably not, come on, we better catch up with them.”

We sped off, following the path the wolves had taken, we didn’t get far before we caught the scent of burning incense and spotted a plume of purple smoke. I cursed, pushing myself faster.

I reached the clearing where the wolves were standing around the smoking remains of Riley. I took a deep breath and immediately regretted it, the smoke had a bitter taste that was faintly nauseating.

“Why did you kill him?” I asked, straining to sound calm but my tension seeped through.

“Why wouldn’t we?” Paul asked arrogantly. “He was a vampire, it’s our job to kill him.”

“Because you stupid shit, he was going to lead us back to Victoria,” I growled. “How are we supposed to find her now?”

“I don’t know, don’t you bloodsuckers have some way of sniffing each other out?” he sneered.

“Enough Paul,” Sam barked. “I’m sorry you wanted him alive, but he was a liability. It is his fault that Charlie Swan is dead, that Bella was hurt.”

“Bullshit,” Emmett growled. “It was your buddy Jacob, him and his damn temper. He killed Charlie, and fucked Bella up so badly she may now have brain damage!”

“Brain damage?” Jared said anxiously. “What happened?”

Rosalie explained about the latest surgery and the complications.

“But what does that mean,” he asked looking horrified.

“If she’s brain damaged it means she’s as good as dead,” Rosalie said coldly. “She will probably never wake up, even if she does she will likely be paralyzed from the waist down anyway. All in all, your buddy Jacob did a good job, he’s destroyed her life. I hope he’s proud.”

One of the pack still in wolf form whined, his emotions distressed and panicked. An explosion of barks and growls followed, but they were not directed at us, they seemed to be arguing amongst themselves.

“What is it Seth?” Sam demanded.

The wolf that had whined phased back to human form, he was just a kid, he couldn’t be much older than thirteen, though like the others he was muscular and very tall.

“It’s Jake,” he said. “He was phased, he heard about Bella, he’s real messed up.”

“Where is he?”

“I don’t know, he phased back,” Seth said mournfully.

Sam cursed. “I know we have things to discuss, but right now we need to find Jacob. He has been very depressed since the accident and with this news...” he trailed off.

“Fine, go,” Rosalie said. “We’ll come along for the ride. We want to speak to Jacob anyway.”

Sam gave us a suspicious look but didn’t argue, his anxiety for his pack brother too great. He phased into his wolf form and with a barked order at the other wolves they ran back towards town.

**Jacob POV**

_“She will probably never wake up, even if she does she will likely be paralyzed from the waist down anyway. All in all, your buddy Jacob did a good job, he’s destroyed her life. I hope he’s proud.”_

_What have I done?_

The voice of the pack bombarded my mind.

_Stop, Jacob, come to us._

_It was an accident, you didn’t mean to do it!_

_Whatever, she knew the risks._

The last was from Leah, I ignored it, too caught up in my own head to spare a thought for her.

I phased back, effectively cutting off their words. I didn’t want their understanding or their comfort. I neither needed, nor deserved it. I was a murderer.

I didn’t mean to do it, any of it, but I had been so angry. I had thought we were making progress, that she was seeing me as more than a friend, and the thought of her sneaking around with the leech, lying to me, infuriated me.

Then Charlie had came home, calling me ‘kid’, patronizing me, and I lost control. He stepped forwards, just like Sam and his Emily, he was just too close. Then he was dead. My father’s best friend, the man that had been like a second father to me, who had taken me fishing at the weekends, had taken me to ball games, was lying dead because he had been to close.

But Bella knew better though, she knew the risks, but she kept punching me, shouting at me, ‘ _You killed him, you killed him’._ As if I didn’t already know. I had only meant to push her away, to give myself room to breathe, to calm down, but I misjudged. One misjudged motion and I destroyed her life.

The leeches were right. I did this, but I felt no pride. The guilt was a constant crushing weight on my shoulders, the only time I had any reprieve was when I was with her, when I could tell her how sorry I was. The leeches had stopped that and now it was futile anyway. I could apologize and beg for forgiveness from now till the end of time, but what would be the point?

She was broken.

Brain damaged, she wasn’t there anymore, she couldn't hear me, couldn’t grant me the forgiveness I needed.

Without realizing it, I had made my way to her house. I had spent much of my time here since the leeches had banned me from the hospital. Emily and a couple of friends had been here and cleaned up as best they could before the funeral, the blood was gone from the floor, but I still saw it when I closed my eyes. Saw the damage I had wreaked in the throes of my rage, the body of Charlie on the floor, Bella gasping for breath, Jared leaning over her. I gritted my teeth forcing my mind away from the memory.

_I could not live like this anymore._

With that thought came a realization. I didn’t have too.

My footsteps led me to the utility room and the locked cabinet in the corner.

_‘You have to respect a gun, the moment you stop is liable to be your last moment’_

He had told me that one afternoon before Bella came to live here, he was cleaning his service revolver and explaining the various parts.

I would respect this, it was going to give me the release I craved.

I punched through the lock, my knuckles breaking and screaming in protest even as they healed. The pain was good, it was what I needed, what I deserved.

The police had taken back Charlie’s service revolver after he had died, but they either didn’t know or didn’t care that he had his own 9mm pistol too.

He had bought it after Bella had come to live with him. Though he’d never said it aloud, I think he was concerned about being able to protect her.

How was he to know that the biggest threat to Bella was the people he‘d welcomed into his home? Me.

I pulled the gun down from the rack and relished in the weight of it in my hand. This would do the job, I was sure of it. Even my werewolf genetics would not be able to heal this in time.

I walked into the lounge, and stared around the room. I had so many happy memories of this place, doing homework with Bella stretched out on the rug, watching baseball with Charlie and Billy. I couldn’t do it in here, that would be wrong.

I moved to the kitchen, but this too was not right. This was Bella’s place, where I helped her cook Charlie’s dinner, teasing her while inwardly wondering at the way she moved so confidently around the room, no sign of her usual lack of grace.

I moved though the back door, this was better. Out in the open air, here I could do what needed to be done without sullying the memories.

I clicked back the hammer and raised the gun with a smile. It was going to end here, no more guilt, no more regret and anger. No more crippling pain of my thoughts.

I was going to have some peace at last.

I pulled the trigger.


	13. Every Little Thing

**Chapter Thirteen — Every Little Thing**

**Jasper POV**

I sat at Bella’s bedside and tried to focus on the words I was supposed to be reading. I was reading _Wuthering Heights_ to her and was finding it extremely dull. That wasn’t the real problem though, it was knowing that any minute now, we were going to get the result of her latest barrage of tests and these were the most important yet.

We had been shepherded out of the room a few hours ago while they performed their tests and examinations, none of which I truly understood. While they had done that we had taken the time to discuss the events of yesterday, and the death of Jacob Black.

When Rose, Emmett and I had reached Bella’s house the emotions had damn near crippled me. There was no question of what had happened, that was obvious for us all to see. He lay in a pool of blood and brain matter, the gun still protruding from his mouth in an almost comical pose. There was no humor in the situation though, the rest of the pack were in agony, the grief came from them in waves as they howled their distress at the sky.

Sam had been the one to calm them down, he phased back to human form and ordered them into silence. Cradling Jacob’s destroyed body in his arms, he ran back in the direction of La Push, the other wolves running with him in a bizarre parody of a funeral cortege.

We had no desire to remain around the grisly evidence of Jacob’s death, yet we knew it needed to be dealt with. If it was discovered Jacob had taken his life here there would be questions, attention drawn where it was not needed. We made quick work of the clean up, dousing the area in water and clearing away the evidence. As soon as we were sure there was no sign left discernible to human eyes we left.

Reactions to his death were conflicted amongst the family, Esme had been saddened but understanding and Alice had been disappointed, but it was Carlisle’s reaction that had surprised me the most.

“He is in Hell now,” he had stated simply. “But I imagine it is a lesser Hell than he had been living in since the attack. I know I should feel pity for him, but in truth I am angry that he has been given that release.”

That statement told me more of Carlisle’s changed attitude, towards the wolves and humanity in general, since our return than anything else could have. If anything positive could be found in Jacob’s death, it was the fact Carlisle didn’t discover what Emmett and I had been planning. He thought we were hunting when we came across the newborn and the wolves, turned out Rosalie was lying when she said we had his blessing, apparently Emmett and I weren’t the only ones that wanted some payback.

We knew we would hear from the wolves again sooner or later, they may even feel the need for retribution against us. Some of them were more volatile than others, but we were ready. We had been lenient with them following Bella’s attack, but we would not be if they tried to place blame on us for this.

We had bigger things to worry about anyway; the army Riley had mentioned. Alice had seen nothing of Victoria’s or any newborns but when the newborn spoke of them there had been no hint of deception. We were going to be on guard from now on. Once things settled down a bit here we could look into it further, but for now our focus was Bella.

Esme slipped back into the room, she had taken a moment to hunt while we waited, but from her emotions as she had left, I think she needed solitude to vent her anxiety more than she needed sustenance.

She slipped to Bella’s other side and kissed her on the forehead. “Hello sweetheart, has Jasper been doing a good job as a narrator in my absence?”

“I’m doing the best I can,” I defended lightly. “Though your choice in reading matter leaves a lot to be desired Bella, why couldn’t you have a passion for thrillers? I’d even settle for Harry Potter rather than this convoluted rubbish.” My tone was light and joking, but apparently did not fully cover my true emotions as Esme shot me a sympathetic look.

I just wanted to get these damn results already, this waiting was driving us all crazy.

“Don’t you listen to him Bella, he has no taste for the classics. I’ll take over for a while.” She held her hand out for the book, but we were interrupted by Rosalie and Emmett coming in from their own wanderings.

“Carlisle is waiting for us in the family room,” Rosalie said. “He has Dr. Toad with him.”

I sighed with relief. _Finally_.

“Sorry to leave you hanging Bella,” I said. “I’ll be back as soon as I can and we can continue the tale of Cathy and Heathcliff systematically destroying each others life.”

I felt a stab of amusement and looked to Esme, she was staring down at Bella with an expression that was anything but amused. It must have been Emmett.

“See you in a bit, Bells,” he said cheerily and led us out of the room.

Alice was already sitting with Carlisle in the family room, surrounded by bags from the gift shop. She seemed to have made it her mission to keep the children's ward stocked with soft toys and games, and judging by the amount of bags, there would be some happy kids later. There was little any of us could do to help Bella, and I was glad she had found something to distract herself, if only for a short time.

We all took our seats and waited for the doctor to speak. He was nervous, because of the news he was about to impart or because he was in a room with six vampires I didn’t know. He may not know our true nature, but he seemed to feel the distinctly uneasy presence we commanded.

He leaned forward in his chair and cleared his throat nervously before speaking. “Well we have the results, and I’m afraid they are not all we hoped for.”

He cleared his throat again and tugged at his tie, I sent him a calming wave. I didn’t give a shit about his personal comfort level, but if he didn’t start talking soon I had a feeling Emmett was going to throttle him.

“Of course we cannot be sure given Miss. Swan’s condition, but given the results we... uh...”

“For fuck’s sake, just tell us!” Emmett burst out.

The doctor blushed and stiffened slightly. “The tests show she has no sensation below the T1 level of her spine, the thoracic function-”

“In English please,” Emmett said in an annoyed tone.

“She’s paralysed from the waist down,” Rosalie said. “What about the thoracic function?” She was using that calm, cool tone again and just like with Riley the doctor seemed completely dazzled.

“We think it is unaffected by the spinal damage, however the EEG results are not good. There is no sign of brain activity.” He spoke so calmly that the impact of his words did not reach me immediately, I was tracking his emotions trying to make sense of whatever it was Rosalie was doing to him. It wasn’t until she broke her gaze from him and gasped, that I heard what he had said.

Bella was brain dead.

“No brain activity?” she questioned. “You start off by telling us about the paralysis and neglect to mention the lack of brain activity. Are you out of you mind?”

“My sincerest apologies,” he said. “I don’t know what happened.” He shook his head as if trying to break out of a trance.

“Are you telling me my daughter is brain dead?” Esme asked, her voice breaking.

Alice let out a muffled sob. I pulled her into my lap and she clung to me with a grip that was almost painful.

“Yes. I am very sorry to say there is no sign of higher brain function. I know this is a difficult time, but I would like to discuss organ donation. It can be-”

“Get out,” Carlisle interrupted. His voice was calm, but his emotions were anything but.

“Again, I’m sorry to be-”

“I SAID GET OUT!” Carlisle bellowed. His expression feral and furious. “GET OUT NOW.”

The doctor hurried from the room leaving us stunned and silent.

“I don’t understand,” Emmett finally said, breaking the silence.

“Bella is brain dead,” Carlisle stated coldly, pacing the room. “She’s paralysed too, but that doesn’t matter when essentially she’s dead.”

“No she’s not, her heart is beating, I can hear it.” Emmett sounded like a child being told the earth was round for the first time. He knew the truth, but he was refusing to hear it, I understood the desire.

“Her heart is beating, but she is not there anymore. There is nothing of Bella in that room but a shell,” Carlisle said savagely.

“Carlisle, stop,” Esme said, reaching out to halt his manic pacing.

“Why should I stop? It’s true dammit!” His emotions were assaulting me with their force; anger, pain, frustration. I had never seen him like this.

He needed to get out of here before he lost the tenuous hold on his control he had. Emmett seemed to be thinking the same thing, he gripped his arm and dragged him from the room, Rosalie following.

Esme stared at the closing door with an expression of confusion and despair.

“Go after him Esme,” Alice said quietly. “He will need you when he calms down.”

As if she had been just waiting for someone to tell her what to do next Esme shot out of the door after him leaving Alice and I alone.

“You okay darlin’?” I asked.

The look she gave me made her feelings clear; how _could_ she possibly be okay?

“I’m sorry, I just meant...”

“I know what you meant,” she said kissing me on the cheek. “No, I’m not okay, I want to see Bella now.”

She stood and held out her hand to me, I took it and together we walked slowly back to Bella’s room.

I expected to feel something different when I saw her again. That the knowledge that she was gone would somehow make her look different, but she was the same as before; silent and still, no expression on her face. She looked like she was sleeping, not the shell Carlisle had called her.

“Oh Bella,” Alice gasped. “What have they done to you?”

Her emotions were a confusion of pain and sorrow, yet there was a hint of frustration that did not seem to belong.

“I can’t do this!” she said turning to me. “I can’t see her like this knowing she’s dead. I have to get away.”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

She shook her head. “I’m going to go find the others, see how Carlisle is.”

“Okay then, I’ll stay here and finish reading this godawful book to Bella.”

She looked at me curiously. “What’s the point? She can’t hear you anyway.”

There was another surge of frustration, yet this time there was irritation too. That was fine, I was irritated too. This was Bella, it didn’t matter if she could hear us or not, we still needed to treat her like the person she was.

I waved her away, and she shrugged and left the room too.

“Just me and you then, Bella,” I said picking up the book. “Ready to dive back into the world of eighteenth century England?”

I felt a wave of sadness and turned to see who it was. It was rare for anyone to sneak up me, but there was nobody there. We were utterly alone.

I shook my head and began reading aloud. I had reached the part where Cathy was explaining why she could not marry Heathcliff when the alarm on one of the monitors beside Bella’s bed began beeping manically.

I jumped to my feet, panic stricken. What the hell was happening? I could hear Bella’s heart racing and thought for a moment it was going to stop.

“No, not yet!” I pleaded with her. “Please Bella, not yet!”

There was a rush of footsteps and a nurse arrived, coming to Bella’s side and reading a printout from the monitor.

“What’s wrong with her?” I demanded.

I felt a wave of intense anger and frustration which even as I felt it, faded back to nothing. Bella’s heart slowed to it’s usual pace and the machine alarm ceased.

“She’s having rounds of tachycardia.” The nurse explained. “I will inform the doctor, but given the situation...” she trailed off and shrugged.

“It’s not a big deal?” I asked.

Again there was a surge of frustration and anger, but this time it was much more muted. Suspicion tugged at my mind and I ignored the nurses reassurances as I contemplated the girl laying in the bed beside me.

_Could it be?_

“It’s okay I understand,” I assured the nurse, cutting off her continued blathering.

“Well, I’ll let the doctor know and I’m sure he’ll be in to see her soon,” she said, clearly fearing reprisal for her thoughtless words. I nodded and she left the room, sliding the door closed behind her.

I stared down at Bella, there was no change but I knew I had felt something.

“Bella?” I asked softly. “Was that you? Can you hear me?”

Her heart sped slightly and now I could feel it clearly. Relief. A clear wave of relief coming from her.

“Bella!” My voice broke but I didn’t care, I was far too happy to care.

She was in there, and she could hear me.


	14. All Things Must Pass

**Emmett POV**

I dragged Carlisle from the room and out through the exit. I could feel the tension in his arm and the gradual building growl in his chest.

“Hold it together for just a minute,” Rosalie whispered. “We’re nearly there.”

As soon as we got to the tree line I released his arm and he shot off at full speed, Rosalie and I following in his wake.

His snarls and growls were clearly audible and as we ran we saw evidence of his anger; trees were uprooted and boulders were strewn across the path. I exchanged a worried glance with Rose and pushed myself harder. When we caught up to him he was ripping trees from the ground and launching them across a clearing.

“Carlisle?” Rosalie said tentatively.

His only response was a feral roar of rage and another flung tree.

“What do we do Em?” she asked me. “I’ve never seen him like this before?”

Neither had I. The careful human facade he had perfected over the centuries was gone, shrugged off like a cloak and replaced with this furious vampire. I knew we had to do something, merely rearranging the landscape was not going to be enough to sate him. I wished Jasper was here, he would at least be able to calm him with his gift. In his absence I would have to do what I did best, fight.

“That’s not going to help you know?” I called out to him. “Trees aren’t a challenge.”

He turned to me his eyes black with rage. “Not now Emmett.”

“What the hell are you doing?” Rosalie hissed.

“Trust me,” I said, “and stay back.”

She looked concerned but nodded.

“You need a real challenge, Carlisle,” I goaded.

“Stop Emmett.” It was not a suggestion it was a command, I ignored it. I walked towards him, my stance aggressive.

“Can’t handle it?” I asked.

“I’m warning you.”

“Screw your warning, come and cha–”

My words were cut off as he launched himself at me. Growls and snarls slipping through his clenched teeth as he caught me across the chest and sent me sprawling to the ground. I used his momentum to send him across me and jumped to my feet.

“Come on Carlisle, CHALLENGE ME!” I bellowed.

He came for me again, feinting to the left but catching me across my right shoulder. I pushed him away into a tree that snapped at the base and slammed to the ground, sending a cloud of dust and dirt into the air.

“Emmett, Carlisle, what are you doing?” Esme had arrived. I heard Rosalie’s whispered explanation, but I didn’t have time to pay attention, he was coming back at me.

I had never seen Carlisle fight before, he had always preferred to watch as Edward, Jasper and I wrestled but now I saw what we had been missing out on. He was a fierce opponent even though he was still holding back.

He had given up trying to throw me, instead he rained blows on me, they came thick and fast and damn it all if they didn’t hurt. I allowed him his release and merely dodged what I could, not attempting to fight back.

“Fight me dammit,” he growled. “Fight me.” His blows were slowing and I knew he had vented at least some of his anger.

I caught his fist before it made contact and using it to spin him around I pinned him to the floor, pushing his face into the dirt.

“Are you done now?” I asked.

“Yes.” His reply was muffled by the ground. I released him but he stayed in the same position, his face pressed to the ground, his arms at his side.

I nodded to Esme and she ran towards him, pulling him to a sitting position and embracing him. I walked back to Rose and did the same.

“You okay?” she asked solicitously.

“Physically, yes I’m fine. Emotionally on the other hand…”

She nodded her agreement. “I know babe, you’re not the only one.” I looked towards Esme and Carlisle who were still sitting on the ground together. Carlisle had his head buried in the crook of her neck and he was shaking with the force of his sobs. Esme was soothing him as best she could through her own outpouring of grief.

“What the hell is going on here?” Alice’s voice came from behind me. “I saw you fighting with Carlisle!”

“We weren’t really fighting,” I tried to explain but her skeptical look showed she didn’t believe me.

“Carlisle needed to vent some rage so he and Emmett went all Cave-pire on each other.” Rosalie said.

“Well that sounds insane and all but… oh!” she trailed off catching sight of Esme and Carlisle.

Esme looked up at her and gave her a sad smile. We walked over and joined them sitting on the ground.

I pulled Rosalie to me and wrapped my other arm around Alice.

“Where’s Jasper?” Esme asked.

“He’s reading to Bella,” she said quietly.

“That’s nice,” Esme said but there was no enthusiasm in her voice, I was certain she was thinking the same as I was. What’s the point anymore?

Carlisle sat up and looked directly at me. “I’m sorry son, that was unforgivable of me, I shouldn’t have lost control like that,” Carlisle apologized.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Rosalie said, her voice laced with sarcasm. “You are our father after all, you should have carried on bottling up all this anxiety and pain until you eventually snapped and really did attack one of us.”

“That’s enough, Rose,” Esme said sharply.

“No, she’s right,” Carlisle cut in. “I should have been more open with you all. I thought I needed to be strong for the rest of you.”

“Well you were wrong,” Rosalie stated. “We are all hurting, we are all angry but we are not hiding it.”

“I’m sorry,” Carlisle apologized again, burying his face in Esme’s hair. “I just feel so damn useless. What good am I as a father _or_ a doctor if I can’t save Bella?”

“Is there really nothing we can do now?” I asked. “I know we couldn’t change her before, because of the heart thing, but now she’s had the operation to fix that. Can we change her now?”

“I honestly don’t know ,” Carlisle said sadly. “I think given time her heart will be able to withstand the venom but as for her other concerns… I have never heard of a vampire being changed with such substantial brain damage as Bella has. She may change physically but remain in her coma.”

“Can’t we try?” Alice said desperately. “I mean if there is a chance of it working surely its worth trying it.”

Of course it was worth trying! Dammit, _anything_ was worth trying, this was Bella!

“I don’t know,” Carlisle said cautiously but there was animation in his expression that wasn’t there a moment ago. “It would need careful consideration, I wonder if Eleazar has ever come across a situation like this.”

“Are we really considering this?” Rosalie said incredulously. “Are we seriously going to subject her to three days of burning pain on the off chance it _might_ work? What if she doesn’t want to be a vampire anymore?”

“Rosalie,” Carlisle began but she cut him off.

“I am not saying this because I don’t care, or because I’m shallow, or jealous or whatever else you are thinking. I’m saying it because I _do_ care.” He voice was choked with emotion and I pulled her closer to my side.

“We know that,” Esme said softly. “But this is Bella, my daughter, your sister, your brother’s mate. We can’t ask her what she wants so we have to think of what we would want in her position.”

“I would want to take the chance,” I said, looking at Rosalie. “I know you haven’t always been happy with your life as a vampire, and there are things in life you want that I can’t give you. But I love you and I do my best to make up for those things.”

“Oh Emmett,” she took my face in her hands and forced me to look at her. “I love you, I’m sorry that I make you feel it is not enough. It is, I have you and that makes me happy.”

Though she didn’t speak aloud the rest of her statement I heard it anyway, as I always did whenever the subject of her change was brought up. I made her happy, but it wasn’t what she wanted. She loved me but would give me up, if given another chance at a human life and a child of her own. I had come to accept that there were things I could not do for her long ago, but it still hurt.

“I got my second chance,” Esme said sadly. “When I lost my son, I wanted to die. I jumped from that cliff with every intention of joining him in death. I was lucky though.” She turned to Carlisle and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. “Carlisle found me and changed me, and I got a new life. I think Bella deserves the same chance.”

“I agree,” Alice said distractedly, she was searching the future again.

“See anything good?” I asked.

“Just Jasper reading to Bella,” she replied, but her forehead furrowed as if she was not sure of what she was seeing.

“What’s wrong Alice?” Carlisle asked.

“I’m not sure. Something is happening, Jasper seems concerned.”

I shot to my feet. “We have to go back dammit, something could be wrong!”

Alice tensed. “Her heart, it’s going too fast!”

Without further comment we shot off towards the hospital.

“Alice what do you see now?” Carlisle demanded.

How she was able to run and search the future at the same time I didn’t know but I was grateful for it anyway.

“It’s settling down now, there is a nurse there. She’s talking to Jasper, he’s upset”

“We’ll be there in a minute Alice, try not to worry.” Esme soothed, even as she ran at her own full speed.

I pushed myself harder. Bella had to be okay, we had a plan now, she couldn’t go yet.

We needed her.


	15. A Beginning

**Bella POV**

“Losing too much blood, suspected aortic transection. Prep the OR.”

_Bright lights dazzling my eyes._

“Miss. Swan, can you hear me?”

_A voice, but not the one I want._

“We’re losing her again.”

_Where is my angel now?_

_~ x ~_

“Can you believe a bear did all this damage?”

_New voices, female now._

“I know, It’s terrible.”

_More voices. Still not him._

“Here, you hold this and I’ll put the gauze on.”

_Tugging at my chest. Pain. Burning._

_~ x ~_

“Bella, I’m sorry, I am so sorry”

_A hot hand in mine, too hot. I want the cold._

“I didn’t mean to hurt you, I swear!”

_Hurt me, how did I get hurt?_

“I’m afraid you need to leave now, times up.”

_A growl and the hand is gone._

_~ x ~_

“It’s time to go Jacob, the funeral is starting soon.”

_Whose funeral? It feels like I should know._

“I don’t want to leave her here alone.”

_Why can’t I remember? I’m sure I should know._

“You owe it to Charlie to be there.”

_Oh God… Charlie!_

~ x ~

“It was an accident Bella, I know you understand that.”

_I knew this voice, long hair and a grizzled face. Billy._

“It is the burden of the wolf. The rage is so great. You understand this.”

_No I don’t! I don’t understand what is happening to me?_

~ x ~

“I told Jacob to go home for a while, to get some rest.”

_Jacob. Something tugged at my memory._

“He hasn’t been himself since the accident.”

_Accident? A flash of memory danced across my mind, Charlie on the floor, the wave of an enormous paw, the blood, the pain, Charlie dead… HE DID THIS._

~ x ~

“Hi Bells, I’m back, Sam made me go home for while.

_Leave now! Let go of my hand and leave!_

_Racing steps._

“Jacob, they’re back! Paul caught their scent. We are going to talk to them, will you come?”

“I can’t come, she doesn’t like to be alone.”

_GO GO GO GO GO! I don’t care who ‘they’ are but get away from me!_

“Time’s up, You can come back in an hour.”

_My hand is squeezed then released._

~ x ~

_A cool hand held mine._

"Hi Bella, it's me, I came back. I'm sorry, I'm so-"

_I fought back the darkness, I knew that voice. Alice!_

_‘Oh God, Alice, I missed you so much, please don’t leave me again.’_

_The words wouldn’t come. I wanted to scream them to her, to beg her to stay but I was frozen._

_More voices, wonderful tinkling voices_

"Hey Bells, I'm back too, how're you doing?"

"Hello, sweetheart. It's good to see you again. I missed you, we all missed you so much."

_It was them, they were really here. I fought against the darkness with all my will. I failed._

~ x ~

"This is the ventilator. Bella is unable to breathe on her own just now so this is doing it for her, giving her time to rest."

_Ventilator? That explains the tube in my throat, but why can’t I move?_

A sob

_Oh Esme, it’s okay, please don’t cry._

"I'm fine. I'm just going to step outside for a moment."

_No Esme, please don’t leave me._

~ x ~

_Cool hands holding mine, a rasping sound as something is passed over my fingernails._

“Do you think they’re okay? Will the wolves make trouble?”

_The wolves!_

“I’m sure they’ll be fine, Carlisle will take care of them.”

_Rosalie? Were they all here?_

~ x ~

“I certainly shall not. You know how I detest it, unless I am particularly acquainted with my partner. At such an assembly as this it would be insupportable. Your sisters are engaged, and there is not another woman in the room whom it would not be a punishment to me to stand up with.”

_Laughter._

“If you don’t stop doing those voices you won’t be able to read it anymore.”

_Esme’s voice, reprimanding._

“I’m just trying to liven it up a bit! This Darcy guy seems like a bit of a douche.”

_‘Oh Emmett, I have missed you so much.’_

~ x ~

_Lips pressed against my forehead and soft greetings_

“Can you come into the family room for a moment? We have things to discuss.”

_No! Stay here and talk dammit. I want to know what’s happening!_

“Hey, Bella, I hear we get to have a little time to chat while your family go deal with the paperwork. That’ll be nice, wont it? You haven’t heard the staff room gossip for days.”

_The darkness came and this time I welcomed it._

~ x ~

“Do you really think she’d understand?”

_Understand what?_

_I was tired of this darkness, making everything fade in and out in waves. How much was I missing._

“Are you kidding? This is Bella we’re talking about. I bet she would have apologized to Jasper for bleeding if she’d been given a chance.”

_Gee, thanks Emmett, way to make me sound like a loony._

~ x ~

“They are ready for her now,”

_Ready for me? What was happening now._

“Just give us a moment please.”

_‘What’s happening, Carlisle?’_

“Come on darlin’, she’ll be back soon enough.”

_Jasper’s voice, softly accented and comforting._

_A kiss on the cheek._

“I’ll be right here when you get back.”

_Where am I going?_

“Take care sweetheart.”

“See you soon, Bells”

_‘Will somebody please tell me what’s happening!_

“I’ll be right there with you.”

 _At least I wouldn’t be alone, wherever it was they were taking me._

~ x ~

_Bright lights flashing behind my closed eyelids._

_Hands lifting me and shifting me onto a cold hard surface._

“She’s ready now.”

_Ready for what?_

_A new darkness, different though, this one was wrong somehow. Weight spreading up my arm and into my…_

~ x ~

This was new.

Before the darkness would lurk constantly at the edge of my mind, prepared to sweep over me at any moment. Stealing awareness and time without notice. Now everything was clear and sharp, almost painful in its intensity, and yet I still couldn’t _move_.

I heard footsteps and a warm hand touching my arm, tugging on something there.

“Your family will be back in a moment, Bella. They are anxious to see you.” I had no face for this voice but it was soft and comforting. I tried to force my lips to move, to thank her but they were frozen, as was the rest of me.

I heard the sound of a door sliding open and a soft musical voice. “Can we come in?”

Esme. I wanted to leap from the bed and throw my arms around her, beg her to never leave me again.

“Yes, I’m all done here. I will be just outside if you need anything.

“Thank you, Jenny.”

Jenny. Now I had a name to go with the voice.

I felt cool lips at my forehead and someone held my hand.

“Hey, Bella.” Alice’s voice.

There was the sound of rifling papers and a heavy sigh.

“You have to stop this, Carlisle,” Esme said. “You did all you could do.”

What did he do?

“I wonder,” he said heavily. “Maybe I was too eager in pushing for the surgery, perhaps I should have waited.”

“You said yourself there was no other option. She would have died without it.”

I would have died?

“I know, and it was true, but now I can’t help but think…” he trailed off and my frustration grew.

What was he saying, I would have been better off dead? I thought Edward had the market cornered on dramatics, but apparently it was a learned behavior. Frozen or not, at least I could hear them, feel them, death was definitely not better. 

“Alice, what are you seeing? Is it Bella?” Esme’s voice was anxious, Alice must be having a vision.

“No,” she replied in a careful tone. “Just Emmett and Jasper, they are going for a run.”

“That’s good, they will feel better once they have vented some of their frustrations.”

“Yes, Rose will you come with me for a moment?” I heard the sound of footsteps and then the door sliding open and closed again.

“I wonder what that’s about,” Esme said in a thoughtful tone.

“I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about, Emmett probably needs Rose to calm him down,” Carlisle replied.

“I hope so.”

I heard the sound of fabric rustling and a heavy sigh. They were embracing.

“Carlisle?” Esme said tentatively.

“Hmm.”

“What are we going to do about Edward?”

Hearing his name spoken aloud was painful, yet not as much as it had been before. Charlie’s death and my descent into the darkness had lessened the ache.

“What can we do?” his voice was frustrated. “Alice can’t see him and he’s not contacted us for months.”

Not contacted them? I thought they were leaving together, I had thought he had merely stayed away when the rest returned out of disinterest or mercy. That he’d realized having him so close, hearing his voice would only hurt me now, perhaps I really was just a distraction.

“But he would want to know what’s happened,” Esme said.

There was another heavy sigh. “I love Edward, you know I do, but I fear if he returned now Emmett and perhaps Jasper too, would be unable to control their wrath. Wherever he is it’s probably for the best.”

“Emmett and Jasper would never–”

“They would,” he said, harshly. “Look at her, Esme. See what has happened to her in our absence. Can you honestly tell me you don’t blame him at least a little? I know I do.”

“He thought he was…”

Her words faded out as the darkness descended again.

~ x ~

There was tugging at my scalp and the feeling of hands running along my arms.

One eye was pried open and a bright light flashed across my vision.

“No reactivity.”

Harsh fingers pressing down on my collarbone.

“No decerebrate posturing.”

A heavy sigh.

“What are you going to tell the family?”

“What can I tell them? She’s paralyzed from the waist down but not to worry, she’s not going to wake up again so she’ll not notice.”

Paralyzed! Not going to wake up! What the hell?

A harsh laugh then a sigh. “Rather you than me, those people scare the crap out of me.”

Good, I’m glad they scare you!

I wanted to scream and rage at them, to hurt them the way their words were hurting me.

But the darkness came again instead.

~ x ~

When the darkness lifted again I was alone. It was eerily quiet and I wished for company, I’d even settle for Rosalie point.

The door slid open and I heard Alice gasp. “Oh Bella. What have they done to you?”

 _How would I know?_ I thought frustrated. Nobody was telling me anything.

“I can’t do this! I can’t see her like this knowing she’s dead. I have to get away.”

 _‘I AM NOT DEAD’_ I bellowed in my mind.

“Do you want me to come with you?” Jasper asked.

“I’m going to go find the others, see how Carlisle is.”

What was wrong with Carlisle? Had something happened with the wolves.

“Okay then, I’ll stay here and finish reading this godawful book to Bella.” he seemed relatively unconcerned which eased my mind somewhat.

“What’s the point? She can’t hear you anyway.”

_‘Seriously Alice, me and you are going to have a chat about this. Just as soon as I can talk that is.’_

I was irritated, she gave up on me so quickly, did she have no faith in me at all?

“Just me and you then, Bella,” Jasper said cheerily. “Ready to dive back into the wold of eighteenth century England?”

_Oh what’s the point?_

I listened to him as he read not focusing on the words as much as the tone and flow of his voice. I had never been alone with him before and I enjoyed the chance to be with him, even if I couldn’t respond. Or could I?

Jasper was an empath, surely I still had emotions even if I was ‘dead’. I focused on how I felt, trying with all my might to make him feel. The strain was immense, it felt like I was pushing against a brick wall and I could feel my heart racing with the strain.

I heard Jasper jump to his feet, his voice panicked, almost desperate. “No, not yet! Please Bella, not yet!”

I could feel the darkness creeping in again and I struggled against it, angry and frustrated. I was able to hold it back but I lost the grip on my emotions too.

There was another voice now, blathering on about tachycardia and doctors, I ignored it. I had been so close, I was sure I was going to be able to reach him and the damn darkness had beaten me. As always I was too weak, too human.

“Bella?” Jasper said softly. “Was that you? Can you hear me?”

_He felt it!_

A wave of relief swept over me.

“Bella!” his voice broke and I wanted to cry, both for him and for me.

_He knew I was here!_


	16. I Want To Tell You

**Jasper POV**

“So I’m guessing if you can hear me you also heard my musings on your choice of reading matter right?”

A hint of amusement, faint but definitely there. 

“And you also heard what Alice said?”

Sadness this time.

“She didn’t mean it, she’s just upset. We have _all_ been upset.” I considered for a moment, how much did she know about what was happening to her? “Do you know what happened to you? What they told us?”

There was no mistaking it this time, she was upset and angry.

“That doesn’t tell me a lot Bella. Do you remember what happened?”

Frustration.

“Dammit we need to find a way to communicate, where’s Edward when you need him?” The words slipped from my mouth without thought and I immediately regretted it.

Pain, not merely physical, but emotional too. It seared through my chest and made me gasp.

“Oh, Bella, I’m sorry, I didn’t think,” I said remorsefully.

The pain faded, but so did all other emotion. “No, Bella!” I gasped, but it was too late, she had gone back the to blank void of calm I had felt from her before.

“Shit,” I cursed. I had no idea if she could still hear me or if she was even in there anymore.

“Bella, please come back,” I begged. “I’m sorry, if you can hear me please do it again.”

There was no response and I felt wretched. Me and my damn mouth.

I sat staring at her impassive form, there was no sign she was there at all. I had an idea of what may get a reaction from her but it was cruel.

 _Too cruel?_ I questioned myself.

I didn’t get to test my theory though as I heard a rush of footsteps coming along the hall and smelled familiar scents. The others were back.

They rushed into the room firing questions at me and each other. Carlisle moved to the monitors and examined the readout of her heart rate.

“What happened?” Emmett demanded.

“Is she okay?” Esme asked.

“Are _you_ okay, Jasper? You looked upset in my vision.”

“What happened? Emmett asked again.

“What does it say, Carlisle?”

“Do you need to hunt? Your eyes are dark.”

“WILL SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!” Emmett bellowed, losing his cool.

Everyone fell silent and looked to me.

“Something happened… I’m not sure how to explain,” I started. “I think I felt Bella. No, I’m _sure_ I felt her.”

“I beg your pardon!” Emmett burst out. “You _felt_ her?”

“Felt her emotions you imbecile,” I said rolling my eyes. “I felt something when I was reading, but didn’t realize it was her. Then her heart started racing and I felt her clearly, she was angry and frustrated. It was only for a moment and faded as soon as her heart slowed again.”

They were all regarding me with varying degrees of skepticism.

“It happened!” I said emphatically. “Once the nurse was gone I spoke to her and she responded, her heart sped again and I could feel her relief. Look at the readout, you can see where her heart sped up, it wasn’t as fast the second time but it’s there.”

Carlisle held out the slip of paper and they examined it.

“See, right there” I said pointing. “This was when she was angry and this was the relief.”

They exchanged a look of something I couldn’t quite place. I had expected joy at the announcement, for them to feel the elation I had, but there was no joy here, no relief, just pity and sadness. They didn’t believe me.

“I understand why you may have thought you felt Bella,” Carlisle said gently. “We are all upset and it’s natural to want to believe she is communicating with you somehow, but it’s impossible Jasper.”

“This isn’t wishful thinking, I _felt_ her. I know I did.”

“Jazz,” Alice said softly putting her hand on my arm. “You have spent too long in here alone, why don’t you go for a run with Emmett.”

I shrugged off her hand, groaning in frustration. They just weren’t getting it. 

“Esme, Emmett, You believe me right?” I implored.

Esme looked at me sadly. “I _want_ to believe you, Jasper. But the reality is, Bella is not there anymore.”

“What is she feeling now?” Emmett asked.

I focused for a moment, desperate to feel something from her but there was nothing.

“Just the calm void again,” I admitted. “She cut off again after I upset her. I didn’t mean to do it, but it slipped out. She was hurting so bad it made me hurt too, then she went back to the calm void.”

“What exactly did you say?” Rosalie asked.

I considered for a moment. I had shunned this idea before because it was cruel, but now I was out of ideas and I needed them to believe me.

 _It’s for her own good_. I told myself, if they could understand she was still in there… It had to be done.

“I said his name. I said _Edward_.” I watched her carefully for any sign of a reaction, a flicker of emotion, but there was nothing.

_Dammit!_

“Is she feeling anything now?” Emmett asked.

“No,” I confessed. “But I think it’s because she can’t hear at the moment. Whatever it is that stopped me feeling her before is there again, it’s almost like she’s sleeping.”

“She _is_ sleeping,” Alice said. “She’s in a coma.”

“Dammit, Alice, why don’t you believe me?” I groaned, finally goaded past endurance. “She is your best friend, I am your husband, why would I lie about this.”

“I don’t think you’re lying to me.” She was hurt, but right now I was too. “I know you believe you felt something, but it can’t have been her.”

“It’s possible you unintentionally used you gift on her yourself,” Carlisle suggested. “If you were determined to feel something, it may have caused your gift to react. That would explain the fluctuations in her heart rate.”

I balled my fists at my sides. “That is not what happened,” I growled. “I know how to control my gift, thank you very much.”

“I didn’t mean–” he hastened to reassure me, but I’d had enough.

“None of you believe me, if it was your damn Golden Boy here saying he could hear her thoughts you’d believe him!”

“That’s not fair,” Esme chastened. “If Edward was here we’d be having the same conversation.”

I noticed she didn’t dispute the ‘golden boy’ comment and that angered me further. I turned to the subject of our debate, laying quiescent in the bed.

“Come on, Bella, do it again! Make them believe you!”

“Jasper, that is enough!” Carlisle said harshly. “I know you are upset but you have to stop this. It is not helping anyone, least of all Bella.”

“Fuck that, I am _trying_ to help Bella, but none of you believe me. I’m going to hunt, if you’re staying here you keep your damn misery to yourselves. She doesn’t need to hear you all whining, or worse yet, planning the damn funeral.”

“Jazz, man that’s out of order,” Emmett said annoyed.

“Is it? Not one of you have said anything to _her_ since you got back. You may all have given up on her, but _I_ haven’t!” With that, I strode from the room, shaking off Esme’s comforting hand and ignoring Alice’s protests.

I made straight for the balcony off the corridor, and after checking to see if anyone was looking, I jumped down and into the forest. I could smell the path the others had taken earlier and veered away, I was so angry I wanted to get as far from them as possible.

I ran for miles, finally halting at the top of a ridge. I sat at the edge of the drop, throwing rocks into the space, I could hear the faint click as they reached the bottom.

I had been there a while trying to calm my emotions when I heard someone approaching. I prayed it wasn’t Alice, I loved her with every fiber of my being, but she was the last person I wanted to be with right now. I couldn’t believe her lack of faith in me and my gift. She was psychic for fuck’s sake, I had never doubted _her_ before, yet she didn’t believe me. It wasn’t always easy to believe in her visions.

 _Come with me, we’re going to be mates and feed from animals!_ Sounds insane, but fine, I believe her.

 _Edward is going to fall in love with a human!_ Okay.

 _Edward is going to leave Bella, but he’ll be back soon!_ Again I believe her. The _one_ time it mattered she doesn’t believe me.

I growled and threw the last few rocks into the drop. The footsteps were coming closer, I inhaled deeply then sighed in relief. It was Rosalie.

She came and sat at my side.

“You feeling any better?” she asked.

“Not particularly,” I said stonily. “What’s going on back there? They picking out funeral readings?”

“That’s not fair Jasper,” she said. “They are all very upset, especially Alice and Esme.”

I felt a pang of guilt at that but pushed it away.

“If they’d just trust me there would be no reason for them to be upset,” I said.

“It’s not their fault, they are trying but they are dragged down by the facts. By the medicine.”

“They?” I questioned noting the fact she didn’t include herself. “Do you believe me, Rose?”

Hope burgeoned in my chest. If I could just make someone else believe me. Truthfully Rose wasn’t the best choice, but beggars can’t be choosers.

“I want to believe you,” she said evasively. “I am trying but it’s hard.”

“It happened, Rose, I swear. I spoke to her and I felt her respond.”

She looked at me shrewdly and something else occurred to me.

“You say you _want_ to believe me, but why? I know you’ve been making progress with Bella and all, but no offence, if anybody would be the likely candidate for supporting me on this it would be Alice, not you.” My tone was bitter but I couldn’t help it.

“They are going to change her,” she said.

“Now?” I asked jumping to my feet, I couldn’t let them do it, not while Bella was in there trying to communicate, what if she didn’t want to be changed anymore?

I imagined them sitting around her bed discussing the best plan of action, how to get her from the hospital, where to bite, how it would feel to burn to three days… oh god, poor Bella.

I turned to run back to the hospital, to stop them however necessary, but Rosalie caught my arm.

“Not now, but soon.”

I sighed with relief and Rosalie continued.

“They were going to discuss it with you first, work out a plan of action. They are hoping the venom will heal whatever damage there is to her brain.”

“I don’t think there is damage Rose,” I said. “Think about it, if the tests results were right she wouldn’t be able to think or emote at all right?”

She nodded.

“Well then they’re wrong! I _know_ I felt her and she could hear me. I think whatever is blocking her emotions from me now, also messed with the tests. Edward could never hear her thoughts, how do we know that she hasn’t developed some way of blocking me too?”

“We don’t,” she said thoughtfully then rubbed her face vigorously. “This is all so messed up. What the hell are we going to do?”

I had been thinking of little else since it had happened, and thought I had found a solution, but it would take time to work it.

“I think if I can feel her again we can work out a way to communicate somehow, it all depends on whatever this thing is that’s blocking her from me, and if she can control it. When she cut off before she was upset, it was just after I mentioned Edward, she was in so much pain and then she was gone.”

“So you think she cut off on purpose?”

“I don’t know, I hope so. Otherwise I don’t know how we are going to be able to communicate with her properly. Do you believe me now Rose?” I asked hopefully.

“You know I think I do, it sounds crazy but I believe you.”

The relief was intense, I forgot my earlier reservations about her being the best person and reveled in the feeling of support. Then suspicion crept back in.

“Why _do_ you care so much?” I asked.

“They are going to change her,” she said sadly and my happiness faded, if this was just about Bella’s humanity I was going to lose my patience. Reading my expression she shook her head and continued.

“I don’t care about her staying human, that’s not an issue anymore. Lying in that bed all day isn’t living anyway, what I care about is her having the choice. If we can find a way to communicate with her we can ask what she wants.”

She was genuinely concerned for Bella, I could feel it flowing though her as she spoke and it reassured me.

“I believe you,” I said. “Now we need to get back to Bella and see if I can get through to her again.”

“Okay, what are we going to do about the others though? You know Carlisle is going to want to talk to you, and Alice is going to be pissed.”

“To use one of Emmett’s favorite phrases,” I said with a smirk. “They can bite me.”


	17. Don't Let Me Down

**Bella POV**

I came out of the darkness with the feeling of emerging from deep water. I had no idea how much time I had missed but there were voices now; wonderfully familiar voices.

“We have to be patient with him, Jasper is clearly struggling with the reality of Bella’s situation, it isn’t his fault,” Carlisle said. “He clearly believes he can feel her emotions, it’s just his way of coping.”

_What the fuck?_

I listened to them talk for a moment and realized Jasper had shared his ‘I speak to comatose people’ theory and apparently they didn’t believe him. Great.

“But it’s not healthy to delude himself like this, hopefully Rosalie can talk sense into him.”

_Gee thanks Alice, way to make me feel good. I’m a delusion am I?_

If the situation wasn’t so messed up it would be funny, here were a bunch of vampires discussing the impossibility of me being able to communicate with Jasper. They were _vampires_ for crap’s sake, if that didn’t make you open-minded, nothing did.

As for Rosalie talking sense into him they were clearly out of their minds. If he needed hair care advice she was the go to girl, anything other than that and they were screwed.

“I hope so,” Carlisle said sadly. “For now we need to make a plan of action, my recent actions have put us in a precarious position legally. If the hospital should challenge the MPA there is no guarantee that they would not be successful. Alice can you see if Dr. Green has made any decisions yet.”

It was silent for a moment and I could picture Alice’s smooth face as she searched for the future of the unknown Dr. Green.

“Nothing solid, he is considering asking you and Esme to meet with him later to discuss organ donation again but he keeps changing his mind. You scare him.”

_Organ donation! They couldn’t! I needed my organs, they were doing vital work here!_

“Good,” Carlisle said sardonically. “That will work in our favor. We need to get Bella out of here as soon as we can though. I am unsure about returning to the Forks house since the death of the wolf but she certainly can’t make the journey to Ithaca, we will need to…”

Carlisle carried on speaking but I wasn’t listening _…since the death of the wolf…_ which wolf? I cursed my inability to speak, I needed to know what had happened. Where was Melinda Gordon when you needed her? Although technically I wasn’t a ghost, so she’d probably be useless here too.

I wondered if I could somehow force a vision. I concentrated on my need to talk to Alice and made a fixed decision to ask her what had happened.

“Alice, what is it?” Esme asked.

_Ha, success, now she would have to believe I was still here._

“Nothing,” she said sadly. “I just saw Bella. I don’t know why, nothing was happening, she was just laying here as usual.”

DAMN. Apparently I could decide all I wanted but with no action to show for the decision Miss Cleo was still clueless.

They carried on their discussion about how best to manage my move to the Forks house, and I tuned them out. It wasn’t like I had a choice in the matter anyway.

“How long will we need to wait before she can be changed?” Alice asked.

_Crazy pixie said what!_

Changed? Since when was I being changed? This darkness thing was a serious issue, I was missing all the good stuff. Apparently while I had been sleeping a wolf had been killed and now I was set to join the ranks of the undead.

I considered for moment the possibility of being changed, I had wanted it before, even begged for it, but that was when I had Edward. I wanted my forever with him, not a forever as the eternal trailing ex girlfriend. He had made his feelings perfectly clear when he left me, I was a distraction, I wasn’t good for him. His conspicuous absence made it clear those feelings hadn’t changed one iota.

“I think given a few weeks she will be ready,” Carlisle said. “It will still be a risk but I have faith she will–”

“What are you doing!” An irate voice asked. Rosalie was back. This would be interesting, I doubted she would be on board with the plan to change the blood bag.

“We were just talking about Bella’s…”

The darkness was creeping back in and I fought it with all I had but it was useless. I succumbed.

**Jasper POV**

“You can’t go back in there like that,” Rosalie observed. “They will think you’re a patient.”

I looked down at my shirt and realized she was right. I had been so eager to get back to Bella that I hadn’t taken my usual care with my hunt and was wearing half of it down my front. In truth I looked like the victim of a heinous crime.

Rosalie noticed my disappointed expression and laughed. “There are clothes in the back of the car, you go change and I’ll head up and see how things are going.”

“Thanks Rose,” I said, and hurried off to the car.

I grabbed a clean shirt and pulled on a hoodie to hide the blood until I could get to a bathroom. I had a feeling stripping off in a parking lot may garner more attention than the Reservoir Dogs look I was already sporting.

I slipped into a bathroom in the lobby and changed my shirt, dumping the ruined one in the trash can, then made my way up to the third floor. As I entered the corridor to Bella’s room I could hear raised voices, I hurried my pace, suspicion creeping in. What had they done now?

“Of course you believe him now,” Alice was saying. “Anything to stop Bella being changed. I can’t believe you are being so selfish!”

What the fuck?

“Me selfish? I can’t believe you are giving up on Bella like this, she’s supposed to be your best friend!” Rosalie hissed back.

As I entered Bella’s room I was momentarily frozen in place as I surveyed the scene before me. Alice was toe to toe with Rosalie, both of them radiating fury, Carlisle was holding Esme to his side, she was a mess of anxiety and sorrow, and Emmett was watching Alice and Rosalie with an expression of utmost confusion.

“What the _hell_ is going on here?” I demanded.

“We were talking and Rosalie came in and went crazy!” Alice explained.

“They were just talking,” Rosalie said through gritted teeth, “about changing Bella.”

 _One…two…three…four…_ I tried to calm myself before speaking but quit.

“Why would you do that?” I asked, my voice dangerously calm.

“Jasper,” Carlisle began, “I understand you are having difficulty accepting–”

“What I am having _difficulty_ with is the fact none of you believe me when I say Bella is still in there.” I closed my eyes and clenched my fists. “Why you don’t trust me, when I have _always_ trusted you.”

I directed my last statement at Alice and she looked taken aback.

“Why Alice?” I asked desperately. “Why couldn’t you wait until you were somewhere else? Anywhere else in fact. Why did you have to do it here where Bella can hear you? Did you consider her feelings at all in this?”

She looked shocked, never before had I challenged her like this.

“Jasper, I know you are having trouble dealing with the reality here and _think_ you felt Bella, but Carlisle explained it all and there is no way you could have. I understand you feel guilty, but–“

“Guilty! Of course I feel guilty, we all should. We left Bella at Edwards request and look what happened to her. Are you honestly telling me you don’t?”

“I do, but I meant guilty about the reason behind our departure,” she said delicately.

“You mean me almost killing her?”

She nodded and I took a deep breath. “I don’t feel guilty about that. I am a vampire, there was fresh blood, what did you expect to happen? If I had got to her it would have been tragic but not unexpected. What I _do_ feel guilty about is listening to Edward and leaving her to the care of the dogs.”

“So if you’re not doing it out of guilt why are you convincing yourself you can feel her?”

“I’m not _convincing_ myself of anything,” I ground out between gritted teeth. “I know I felt her, I’m sorry that you don’t believe me but I’m not going to pretend I can’t to make you feel better. Rosalie believes me, why can’t you?”

“Oh, sure Rose believes you, any reason to delay Bella’s change and she’s happy,” Alice said waspishly.

“That is _not_ why I believe him, I believe him because I trust him,” Rosalie spat. “As should you, he is _your_ mate after all.”

Alice opened her mouth to respond but I cut her off, I needed to stop this before it got out of hand. I could see the emotional toll it was taking on us all, Esme especially looked to be at her breaking point.

“Fine,” I said wearily. “You won’t believe me and I accept that, I don’t like it but I accept it. You are going to have to accept the fact I believe she is in there though, and that means no more discussing her as if she isn’t there. You want to talk about this stuff you leave the room to do it.”

“That’s acceptable,” Carlisle said grateful for the chance to stop the argument. “I apologize for our thoughtlessness. We have a problem though. I broke the rules, bursting into the OR the way I did has ruffled a few feathers and we need to get Bella out of here?”

“How so?” I asked, confused. If the hospital had declared her brain dead and were pushing for organ donation what did it matter what Carlisle had done?

“We have power of attorney for Bella, we have the right to decide her care but my actions have painted us in a bad light. The hospital may decide to push for us to be stripped of our power of attorney.”

“Can they do that?” I asked panicked. He didn’t say it aloud but the only reason they would want to take legal control would be to cease Bella’s life support. I could hold the family off in their plans to change her but if the hospital were going to come after us legally we were held by the human laws. They would never get a chance to go through with it, I’d kill them all first, but that would expose us for what we were.

“They can try,” Emmett said coldly, clearly mirroring my own thoughts.

“Which is why we need to move Bella from here as soon as we can,” Carlisle said. “She will be safe to move in around a week but until then we are going to need to be very careful in our dealings with the hospital.”

“They won’t make trouble about us moving her?” I asked. Her condition was so volatile surely they wouldn’t allow us to take her from the hospital. Then I realized, they’d already given up on her, what difference would it make if we moved her? It’s not like she could get more brain dead.

“I think they could be persuaded to allow us to take her home to be cared for,” Carlisle said carefully. “I don’t think she can manage the journey to Ithaca though, we need to gauge the situation with the wolves but our Forks house should be well enough equipped. I still have some medical equipment there and through my contacts at Forks Community I can get anything else we need.”

They began discussing what would be needed and a plan of action for moving Bella, but I drowned them out. Something else had caught my attention, a wave of annoyance from Bella. Locking eyes with Rosalie I gave her a small nod and she grinned back at me.

The others carried on their discussion and I waited for an opportunity, eventually it came in the form of Dr. Green requesting a meeting with Esme and Carlisle. Seizing the chance, I suggest that Alice and Emmett go to the Forks house and see what else would be needed before we moved there. 

“You want to come with us, Rose?” Emmett asked.

I could tell from Rosalie’s emotions she would rather drain a skunk than miss the opportunity to see me attempt to communicate with Bella, but she schooled her features into a calm mask.

“I think I’ll stay and keep Jasper and Bella company,” she said.

Alice huffed, but I ignored it. Bella, however didn’t, I felt a wave of sadness from her and I wished yet again that Alice would believe me.

“Okay, babe, we’ll be back soon,” Emmett said kissing her goodbye. They left the room without saying a word to Bella, who felt another wave of sadness.

“They don’t mean it,” I said sadly. “They just don’t understand.”

“I know that!” Rosalie said confused.

“I wasn’t talking to you Rose,” I said gently, attempting to hide my annoyance, why did it have to be her that believed me? Even Emmett would have been a better choice.

“Oh, you mean she’s there again? She can hear you?”

Bella’s heart increased its pace and I felt a powerful wave of annoyance.

“Oh!” Rosalie stared at the machine mouth agape. “What is she feeling now.”

“Annoyed,” I said simply. “Give me your hand.”

Rosalie held out her hand looking dubious, I took it and focused on Bella. “Can you do that again darlin’?”

Again her heart sped and this time she sent me a wave of confusion. I allowed the emotion to fill me and flow from me to Rosalie.

She snatched her hand back, shocked. “I felt that!” she said incredulously. “I felt what you felt, what _she_ felt.”

“Now do you believe me?” I asked.

“I don’t think I have a choice, I mean I wanted to, I really did, but I couldn’t help doubting a little too. How are we going to use this to communicate.”

“I figured if Bella could work out how to send different emotions at will, she could answer direct questions,” I explained, “It’s not foolproof, but it’s the best we can do for now. What do you think Bella?”

There was a wave of hopefulness and I smiled.

“Glad you’re on board, the others are going to think I’m crazy, but never mind.”

A wave of sadness again.

“They will understand eventually,” I promised. “We just need to give them time.”

A wave of hopefulness.

As methods of communication went this was pretty crap, but it was the best we could do.

“So… umm, Bella,” Rosalie clearly felt foolish talking to her like this, but I had to admire the way she pushed aside her self-consciousness to try. “Can you hear everything we say? Did you hear the others talking earlier?”

A wave of frustration. What did that mean?

“One thing at a time Rose,” I advised, then addressed Bella. “Can you hear us all of the time?”

Her heart raced again and I felt a wave of negativity, it was a combination of disgust, annoyance and frustration. As far as emotions go that was a pretty definite ‘no’.

“Did you hear the others talking earlier?” Rosalie asked gently.

A wave of emotion, this time it was a clear positive, though in the wake of them, there was a sadness.

Those thoughtless idiots, they had really upset her. Why the hell couldn't they just believe me?

“They don’t mean it Bella, they just don’t understand.”

Another wave of emotions, not exactly negative, more indifferent. The emotional equivalent of a ‘whatever’.

I scrambled for a way to reassure her, but was at a loss. It didn’t matter though, at that moment Carlisle tapped on the door and beckoned us out. 

“We’ll be right back Bella,” I said and followed Rosalie out of the door.

Carlisle led us into the family room, where Esme was already waiting.

“What’s wrong?” Rosalie asked. “Is it Emmett, Alice?”

“No, they are fine,” Esme reassured us. “It’s Renee, the Forks PD called, they have heard from Jacksonville, there has been an incident at the Dwyer’s house, Phil was killed and Renee is suspected dead,”

“What happened?” I asked, stunned.

“There was break in, Renee and Phil had been out of town at a training camp, which is why they have not been contactable. They returned a week ago and the police think they interrupted the robbery, Phil’s body was found at the scene but Renee is missing. Given the amount of blood at the scene and the amount of time she has been missing they suspect she too is deceased, although what happened to the body they don’t know.”

Damn. How the hell was I going to tell Bella this? She had enough to deal with already, how much could one person be expected to endure?

“We have contacted Alice and Emmett and they have agreed to go to Jacksonville to check the house,” Carlisle said.

“Check the house? You don’t think it was a break-in then?” Rosalie asked.

“It would be a big coincidence if it was,” Carlisle said. “I think it’s more likely that Victoria got to them.”

I hissed, that bitch had a lot to answer for.

“Alice and Emmett are going out there? Are you sure it’s safe?” Rosalie asked, worried.

“With Alice’s ability and Emmett’s strength I am sure they will be fine, I would have gone myself but we have a lot to prepare at the Forks house before we can move Bella, and I can be of more use here,” Carlisle said. “We also have the issue of Victoria and her ‘army’, if there is going to be a problem I am sure it will be here. The more of us to protect Bella, the better.”

It was true that with her gift, and Emmett for protection, Alice was safe. I wished I had been given the chance to speak to her before they left. Rosalie looked equally torn and I squeezed her hand.

“They’ll be okay, Rose, and maybe when they get back we’ll have good news for them.”

She smiled back, but Carlisle and Esme looked confused, I wasn’t about to explain myself. I’d had enough negativity for one day.

Now we could at least communicate with Bella to a degree, I was sure more breakthroughs would follow.


	18. How Do You Do It?

**Jasper POV**

My certainty that more breakthroughs would follow took a serious beating over the next couple of days. If anything, things seemed to become more difficult.

I had ample time to work with Bella, as Alice and Emmett were in Florida, and Carlisle and Esme were preparing the Forks house. The problem was Bella.

She was unaware for increasing periods of time and when she was able to communicate it was sporadic. Her emotions would blink on and off, almost as if we were talking through a bad phone line. It was not for lack of trying though, the racing heart that usually preceded a strong wave of emotion was a regular occurrence and Carlisle was becoming concerned. I didn’t bother attempting to explain the wave of emotion that came with these episodes. He simply couldn’t understand and there was no point arguing the issue.

I was attempting to talk to Bella when once again her emotions switched from the wave of positive to the calm void. I had attempted to ask her about this but we hadn’t got far. One thing I had ascertained from her frustration was that it was not voluntary, she seemed just as annoyed about them as I was.

Sighing heavily I sat back in my chair, dragged my hands across my face. “Damn.”

Rosalie pulled my hands from my face and looked into my eyes. “You need to hunt, using your gift like this is wearing on you. I’ll stay here and read to Bella.”

Though she had told us she was unable to hear us when she was absent it felt wrong to sit beside her in silence, unless I was here there was no way of knowing that she was back and Rosalie felt it was better to have something to wake up to rather than silence.

The more disheartened I became, the more determined Rosalie was. She was the one keeping the three of us positive when the sheer magnitude of the obstacles felt insurmountable. I wondered what Bella made of her change of heart, whenever Rosalie would make a particularly affectionate statement Bella would radiate shock and confusion. I kept these emotions to myself, Rosalie was doing her best but I worried she would give up on us if she knew how it was being received by Bella. Not that I blamed her, last Bella knew, Rosalie hated her, saw her merely as an annoyance, I tried to put myself in her shoes and thought I would feel the same.

I nodded my thanks to Rosalie and made my way out of the hospital, switching to a sprint when I hit the tree line. I ran for miles, not stopping until I reached the ridge I had sat at the other day.

I sat at the edge of the precipice and tossed stones down into the gap. The gentle tap as they landed reminded me of Bella and the troubles we were having in communicating now.

_Tap, tap, tap,_

I was worried that it meant we were losing the connection, that either my gift was failing or her ability to send me her emotions was waning. It seemed to take a great toll on her, and each time she slipped into the void it was for longer. What would we do if I lost the ability to feel her? If she became trapped in there?

_Tap, tap, tap._

If there was just a way to speak properly with her. I wished Edward was here, if my theory about Bella’s shield was right, she may be able to let him into her mind.

_Tap, tap, click._

I tossed the last of my stones into the abyss and listened to them land.

_Tap, tap, tap, click._

I jumped to my feet, excitement rushing through me.

If I was right...

_Please God, let me be right._

I sprinted back to the hospital, my mind racing with possibilities. I could be wrong, how could she have known, who would have taught her?

I pushed away the doubts and forced myself to run faster, desperate to get back to her.

I reached the hospital at a speed even Edward would have had trouble beating and made my way through the halls at a fast walk. I reached out with my gift and found Rosalie, she was calm and engaged as she read aloud. Bella was still radiating the calm void but that was okay, I could wait, for her at least.

I shot into Bella’s room, startling Rosalie, who shot to her feet.

“What’s wrong?” she asked frantic. “Is it Alice? Emmett?”

“No they’re fine, I’ve had an idea though, a brilliant idea.” I spoke so fast that it would have sounded like a buzz to a human.

“You didn’t hunt,” she remonstrated, looking into my still dark eyes.

“Never mind that, I think I’ve figured it out!”

“Figured what out? Jasper, you aren’t making any sense.”

“The problem with the link,” I said pacing the room. “She’s been trying to talk to us and we didn’t realize.”

Rosalie was becoming frustrated with me, her emotions were heading towards a tantrum, so I stopped my pacing and took a deep breath.

“Morse code, I think she’s using Morse code to talk to us.”

Her mouth dropped open, her emotions switching from frustration to shock to excitement.

“How do you know?”

“Well, I can’t be sure till she wakes up, but I was thinking about the flickering of her emotions, and I think she is controlling it.”

My excitement got the better of me and I began pacing again. I was having trouble containing it and judging from Rosalie’s rather goofy smile, I was projecting.

I waited impatiently for Bella to come out of the calm void, getting increasingly anxious as time dragged on. Rosalie finally reached her limit and ordered me to go and finish my interrupted hunt. Pointing out that I was no good to Bella if I was too wound up to listen to her when she woke.

I hunted quickly, not taking time to savor it, merely drinking out of need.

As soon as I was finished I made my way back to the hospital and along to Bella’s room. I felt a rush of anticipation as I targeted my gift at her room and felt not only Rosalie’s quiet calm but also a muted sad thoughtfulness.

Bella was awake.

**Bella POV**

Once again the darkness retracted and I was met with reality, or my limited version of it anyway.

I could hear Rosalie’s voice she was reading to me and holding my hand. That meant Jasper wasn’t here. She only ever held my hand when we were alone, I wasn’t overly thrilled about this but at least I wasn’t alone.

The initial rush I had felt at being able to communicate, at least basically, with Jasper had vanished. I had been trying desperately to force my emotions out to him in bursts, using Morse code to talk, but apparently their enhanced minds were taking a vacation from basic deduction as they didn’t understand.

They felt the faltering, but instead of using those vampire brains to figure out what I was trying to do, they spent ages discussing the possibility that I was losing the ability to talk to them.

Dumbasses.

I learnt Morse code during one of my summer visits to Forks when I was about ten. I usually spent my days in La Push with Jacob and the twins, but they all came down with measles before my arrival and were in quarantine. At a loss for what to do with me Charlie took me into the station with him.

I was bored stupid for the first couple of days until I discovered the dispatch desk. I was fascinated by the set up and it wasn’t long before I was chatting with the other officers through the radio.

Charlie was thrilled by our common interest and our evenings were devoted to learning all about the call signals and the history behind them, which in turn led us to Morse code. I soon grasped the basics and we would spend hours practicing together, tapping out messages on the table. Charlie was never the most verbose person but with the more impersonal nature of Morse code he was able to be a lot more open. 

My thoughts of Charlie were painful, but like my thoughts of Edward they were muted slightly. I ached for him and the hurt and betrayal on his face as he died burned, but my current circumstances seemed to eclipse that.

I wondered if that made me a bad daughter, shouldn’t I still be overcome with grief, especially since I had caused it. Maybe it was because a small part of me though he got the better deal. At least he had peace, he wasn’t stuck in limbo like I was.

I heard racing footsteps and Rosalie’s voice. “Is she…”

_Is she… what? Bored stupid? Frustrated beyond belief? Close to wishing Dr. Kevorkian was working here? ‘Cause the answer to all of the above is a resounding yes._

“Yeah, she’s here aren’t you, Bella?”

_Yes, I’m here, not that it makes a damn difference._

I heard rustling to the right of me and a different hand taking mine. 

“I didn’t quite catch all of that darlin’, can you try again?” Jasper asked.

 _‘Catch what?’_ I sent the question in code out of habit, I had no expectations of a sudden breakthrough anymore.

“What you said, you’re using Morse code right?”

 _‘You understood me?’_ I hardly dared hope.

“Yes, I understood you, I’m sorry it took us so long to work it out.”

_‘Finally’_

He laughed at my statement, but it was a broken sound, more like a sob. I understood the feeling, I wanted to weep too.

I felt something wet sliding down my face, into my hair and a cool finger tracing its path.

“Bella, you’re crying,” Rosalie said.

 _‘Finally,’_ I said again and the tears flowed freely. It was a relief to know that, though I was stuck here, I could still express my sadness in some way. I heard a low hissing and realized that Jasper was translating what I was saying for Rosalie.

Some time later I had a handle on my emotions, and for the first time was able to ask a question that had been tormenting me.

 _‘Dead wolf, who?’_ There was a heavy sigh and the sound of hissing voices, they were talking amongst themselves, and if I had to guess I’d say they were discussing what to tell me.

 _‘Who?’_ I demanded again, the exertion of forcing the emotion caused the darkness to creep in at me again, and I forced it back through sheer willpower.

“Jacob,” Jasper said finally. “He killed himself.”

I considered that news for a moment. Surely I should have a reaction to his death, he had been my sun, the only bright spot in my life after Edward and the Cullens left me. I tried to imagine his happy, smiling face but all I could recall was his twisted angry expression _that_ night.

“Bella, are you okay?” Rosalie asked.

 _‘Yes,’_ I lied automatically. They knew I was lying obviously, one of the drawbacks of communicating through emotions, but they were tactful enough to allow me the pretence.

“So, now we can talk, is there anything you want to ask us?” Rosalie said. It was a little disconcerting to have her talking to me in such a solicitous way. I would have to ask Jasper about it later, when she was out of the room. I may be essentially frozen but that was no excuse for bad manners... or for pissing off a vampire.

_‘What happened to me?’_

I knew the basics, but I wanted to know the details of how I had ended up in here and why I was apparently not worth the effort of basic conversation from the rest of the family anymore.

“What do you remember?” Jasper asked hesitantly.

 _‘Tell me everything,’_ I demanded. And he did.

He told me of the wolves explanation for Jacobs attack, about Charlie’s funeral - that caused me a pang of guilt, I hadn’t been there to see him laid to rest - Jacob’s suicide and the silence from the wolves since, my apparently botched first surgery and the fallout from the second.

 _‘So I’m brain dead?’_ I asked.

“That’s what they think, obviously you aren’t,” Rosalie hastened to reassure me.

Thanks for that, Barbie.

“We think it has something to do with your ability to foil our gifts, it is almost as if your brain is protecting itself, unfortunately it was protecting itself from their tests too. A might inconvenient really,” he finished.

Inconvenient, seriously? That earns itself a spot in the World’s Greatest Understatements Hall Of Fame, along with Jacob has a temper and Emmett is rather strong.

_‘And I’m also paralyzed?’_

“Yes, we think that test might actually have been correct though,” Rosalie said carefully. “ _Can_ you feel anything from below the waist?”

 _‘No, but nor can I move the rest of my body, else I’d be dancing around the room, wouldn’t I!’_ I shot back at her.

“Sorry darlin’, I didn’t get all of that, something about dancing?” Jasper said, I was sure I could hear a smile in his tone.

 _‘Never mind,’_ I was getting tired from the concentration needed, and I could feel the darkness creeping in again. _‘I can’t feel though.’_

It didn’t seem to matter much anyway, it’s not like I was getting much use out of my legs right now anyway.

 _‘So what happens next?’_ I asked.

“What do you mean next?” Rosalie asked. “You mean next for you?”

_‘Well duh, no I mean next in Obama’s plans for a health care reform! Jeez, was she always this dense?’_

“Again, I didn’t quite catch all of that Bella,” Jasper said and this time there was a definite chuckle in his voice. I didn’t hear the low hiss this time so I guessed he hadn’t passed on that little nugget. I really needed to develop a verbal filter, or maybe emotional filter was the correct term for my situation as I would be in deep shit if he had told her what I said.

“As for what happens next, at the moment Esme and Carlisle are preparing the Forks house for us, we are going to be moving you there so we can take care of you properly.”

 _‘And?_ ’

I knew that wasn’t the full extent of their plan, I had heard the others discussing me being changed and I wanted to use this link of communication while I could _._

“Well we have discussed the possibility of changing you,” Jasper said, I heard a hiss from Rosalie and for once I was in agreement with her. Jasper ignored her and continued. “Carlisle is hoping that the damage done by the surgery could be repaired by the venom. He says he has seen it work miracles before.”

Well bully for him. Didn’t I get a say in the matter? Of course not, to Carlisle and the others I was a vegetable after all. Well they could be damned, vegetable or no I was going to make my feelings known on this if it killed me.

_‘No,’_

“No what?”

_‘No change. No venom. No miracle.’_

I said it slowly, concentrating on sending each letter out one at a time. I wanted to make myself clear.

Since I had heard them discussing it I had given it a lot of thought and my decision was made. I had no desire to have an immortal life without Edward to share it with. I had seen and suffered too much to desire an eternity of loneliness.

“But... are you sure, don’t you want to-”

“What did she say?” Rosalie demanded, cutting Jasper off mid sentence.

I could feel the darkness creeping in again and made a last effort to force it away to make my plea again.

_‘No change, not anymore.’_

I barely got the words out before the darkness swallowed me.


	19. She Came In Through The Bathroom Window

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note about the strange title - all chapter titles come from Beatles' songs

**Alice POV**

Emmett and I had barely reached the outskirts of Forks when my phone rang. Picking it up I saw Carlisle’s number. Immediately thinking the worst I snapped it open and greeted him with a hurried, “What happened? Is it Bella?”

Emmett’s grip on the steering wheel tightened as he too anxiously awaited the answer.

“Bella is fine,” Carlisle soothed. “Jasper and Rosalie are with her now.”

I breathed a sigh of relief, my anxiety for her was intense now we had a plan that may bring her back to us. I scanned the future constantly hoping to see something that would show how it would turn out. Though the decision to change her had been made there was no resulting vision. Something or someone was interfering, my money was on Rosalie.

She had become unbearable recently, in truth I preferred the Bella hating version to her new _oh-so-concerned_ act. It was a load of crap anyway, she was only pretending to care about Bella to appease the rest of the family. Her latest plot of playing along with Jasper’s delusion that he could feel her emotions was low even for her though, it did nobody any good to pretend, we needed to face the facts. Besides, soon she would be changed and then she’d be fine. I would have my best friend back and Rosalie could go back to her Ice Queen persona.

“The reason I am calling is because the Jacksonville police have contacted me,” Carlisle said, pulling me from my thoughts. “I’m afraid it’s bad news, Phil has been killed and Renee is missing, presumed dead.”

Phil dead, Renee missing.

Carlisle continued his explanation but I barely heard him. I had never met Phil but Bella said he was nice, good for her mother, and Renee… I hadn’t got to know her too well when we met in Phoenix, but I knew how much Bella loved her. How were we going to tell her?

A small, selfish part of me was relieved that we didn’t have to tell her yet. It would have to wait until she was changed, and by then she would be too caught up in the bloodlust to focus on much else.

“Alice. Did you hear me?” Carlisle said.

“I’m sorry, I was caught in my thoughts, what did you say?”

He sighed a little impatiently. “I asked if you and Emmett would be prepared to go to Jacksonville and examine the scene. They think it was an interrupted robbery but I want to be sure it wasn’t Victoria.”

“We can do that, do you want us to come back to the hospital first or go straight away?”

“There is a flight in a couple of hours from Sea-Tac that will get you there in a few hours if you can make it?”

I looked to Emmett and he nodded his agreement. "Okay, we'll head straight for the airport, will you be okay without the car?"

"Yes, we will rent another for while we're here, it makes sense to have a second anyway with all we need to get done."

"Say bye to Jasper for me, we'll call you when we know what's happening."

"Thank you both, please be careful, if it was Victoria there is no guarantee that she is not still there."

"We will, promise," I said, then after exchanging our goodbyes I hung up.

"Florida here we come," Emmett said with a grin.

Like me he seemed pleased to have something useful to do to help Bella.

We made the flight with a few minutes to spare, but when we arrived in Jacksonville we were hampered by the sun. I hadn’t thought to look ahead to check the weather and the sun was far too bright for us to venture outside. We were forced to wait in the airport bar until dark, a fact which annoyed Emmett to no end.

"How about if we move really fast?" he suggested. "We could zip out of the exit and run straight to the car park, borrow a car and be at the house in an hour."

I scanned the future and saw Emmett cornered outside the airport trying to explain his sparkling as a rare skin complaint.

"No," I said firmly. "We have to wait unless we want to bring the Volturi down on us."

"Fine," he grumbled. "Can you check on Rose for me?"

I looked and saw both Rosalie and Jasper in with Bella having what looked to be a heated discussion. I had no idea what had them so excited as Bella was just laying there as usual. An empty shell.

"She's okay," I said, perhaps a little bitterly as he shot me a rueful look.

"Sorry, I love her, you know I do. I just don't understand her motivation for supporting Jasper and his delusion, or her newfound affection for Bella."

"That's not fair Alice, she is really trying and I am sure her change of heart about Bella is genuine, we have all changed recently. Is it so hard to believe that she has too?"

YES! I thought but didn't say it aloud, it wasn’t Emmett's fault, he was blinded by love, he couldn't see the situation as I did.

"Maybe Jasper is right,” he suggested. "I know what Carlisle said about the damage and all but she could still be there, right?" He looked so hopeful that I felt cruel having to tell him the truth.

"She's not there, Emmett, I wish she was, but it makes no sense to delude ourselves. Soon she will be one of us and then she'll be okay."

"I guess you're right," he said sadly. "I can't wait till she's back though, have you seen anything about what she'll be like after?"

"Afraid not, I think there is still a decision to be made that’s clouding things."

I didn't tell him I suspected Rosalie was behind this, there was no need to upset him any further.

When darkness fell we made our way out of the airport, Emmett was all for stealing a car but given the possibility of us encountering the police at Renee’s house it seemed prudent to hire a car instead.

Once we had dealt with the snotty clerk at the Rent-A-Car desk we made our way out into the city. Renee’s house was on the outskirts of the city and the journey gave us time to prepare for what we may find.

We pulled into her street and immediately caught the familiar scent of vampire, not just any vampire, Victoria.

“It was her!” Emmett hissed angrily.

“So it seems.”

He pulled the car to a stop at the end of the road and we made our way towards the house cautiously, the scent was fairly fresh and was mixed in with another that I didn’t recognise. There was police tape across the front door and signs of the investigation across the yard, numbered spots of paint on the path which, judging from the faint stain and scent, was where blood had been spilled. I tried not to think about whose blood that was, according to Carlisle there was enough of Renee’s blood found for them to assume she was dead too.

We made our way around to the back of the house and eased open a window. I climbed though and opened the back door from the inside to let Emmett in too.

“I could have just snapped the lock,” he said defensively.

“You could, but don’t you think the police would have noticed when they came back?”

“Oh, I didn’t think of that,” he said embarrassed.

There was more evidence of violence inside the house and Victoria’s scent was concentrated here too.

“Shit,” Emmett cursed, seeing a particularly large area of blood staining the hall carpet. “She didn’t feed at all did she? She just bled them like animals.”

New anger surged in me, Victoria had been ruthless here, and it was all too easy to imagine the horror Renee and Phil had suffered at her hands.

I made my way up the stairs, there was no sign of violence, but I found myself morbidly curious about how Bella’s mother had lived. I pushed open a door and gasped.

“Emmett, come see this,” I called.

He shot to my side and he too gasped.

Renee had made a room for Bella. It was decorated in a soft yellow, with her favorite books on shelves, and a wide comfortable bed. As far as I knew Bella had never visited her mother in Jacksonville, but apparently Renee had held out hope. Pictures of Bella throughout the years were dotted around the room, from pink faced baby to embarrassed looking teen. It reminded me of the room Esme had created at the Ithaca house, and I felt a surge of pity for Renee.

“Hey, Alice, look at this,” Emmett said. I turned to see him holding a canvas print of Renee and Bella, at least I assumed it was Bella as her face had been clawed at so much it was impossible to make out her features.

“Victoria?” I suggested.

“I don’t think so, the scent is the other vampire’s.”

Who could it have been? Had Bella found herself a new enemy other than Victoria? Whoever it had been, they clearly had no love for Bella as her clawed visage showed.

“What the hell is happening, Alice?” Emmett asked. “First the damn wolves, then Victoria and now this new vampire. As if things weren’t fucked up enough already.”

“I don’t know, but for now she’s safe. Jasper and the others are with her and they can protect her if anyone arrives.”

“That’s the thing though, isn’t it. All this protection needed, how much more can go wrong for her?”

I sat on the bed and looked around the room. It really was perfect for Bella, she would have loved it here.

“Do you ever wonder what would have happened if she had not come to Forks?” Emmett asked. “If she had stayed with her mom she’d probably be here right now, studying for school or reading or… dammit, anything other than laying in a hospital bed, completely destroyed.

“I do sometimes,” I said. “But I can’t bear the thought of her not being in our life, you said it earlier, we have all changed, admittedly at the moment things aren’t good, but we have all been changed for the better by knowing her.”

“I guess, but at what cost to her.”

I sat contemplating his words. He had a point, Bella would have been better off never knowing us, she would have had a good human life, probably a great one but I couldn’t find it in myself to regret her presence in ours.

I was pulled from my musings by the sound of a car pulling up in front of the house and voices talking.

“The neighbor said she saw a couple of kids hanging around, we have to check it out,” a deep male voice said.

“This place creeps me out,” a second voice replied. “I was here when they found the body, it was awful. Never seen so much blood in my life.”

“To think all that was because they came home at the wrong moment, an hour later they would have been victims of a robbery, but still alive.”

They carried on their discussion but we missed it. I shot out of the window into the backyard and after a bit of struggling though the gap, Emmett joined me.

“What do we do about the car?” he asked.

“Leave it, I rented it using the Alice Platt ID, we can call the rental company and tell them where it is.”

“Or not,” he said mischievously. “Maybe we can get that rude clerk into trouble.”

I rolled my eyes. “Real mature, Em.”

“Thanks,” he said and hopped the back fence.

I followed after him and we made our way back into the city, toward the airport and home to our family.

**Unknown POV**

“That’s her,” the voice said. “She is the one that did this to you, she hurt you, made you burn.”

_Burn_

Everything burned, when the burning of my body ceased I thought I had been given a reprieve, but the burning moved to my throat instead. A constant fire that could only be lessened by the blood.

I looked down at the picture in my hands, that innocent face, she was the one that did this to me. My nails raked over the picture, clawing at her image the way I wished to claw at her real face.

“That’s right,” my savior said. “Take your revenge on her, I will take you to her, she is weak now, you will be able to kill her.”

“Kill her,” I hissed.

“Well done, you are already doing so well.”

I had been so lost, so confused when the burning stopped but my savior found me, she explained how the cruel girl had hurt me, burned me. She showed me how to hunt the other cruel ones.

“They are all like her,” she had explained. “They will hurt us but we can hurt them too.” She had drawn a nail across the wrist of one and I had lost myself. I drained the cruel ones blood and then another and another.

The blood strengthened me and now I was ready, ready to take my revenge on the cruel girl that had hurt me.

“What is she called?” I asked.

“Bella.”

I raked my nail across the ruined image one more time.

“I’m coming for you Bella.”


	20. I've Just Seen A Face

**Jared POV**

“We are here to honor the passing of our brother Jacob, and to mark his ascension into the next life. Jacob was a protector of our people, and will take his place among our ancestors where he will be received with love...”

Old Quil’s deep voice continued his speech but I couldn’t focus on it.

I looked across the circle at Billy who was staring at the casket holding his only son with an expression of deepest sorrow. Jacob’s death had turned him onto an old man seemingly overnight. The lines on his face were deeper than before, and his eyes had a darkness that showed his pain.

Rachel and Rebecca were beside him, each clinging to the other as sobs racked their bodies. I didn’t know how much they knew about how Jacob died; the official story was that he had died in an accident, but sooner or later the truth would come out. It always did.

Due to the nature of Jacob injuries the traditional viewing of his body had been shunned, and his covered form had been adorned with a photograph of him instead. It was a picture of him laughing at a recent bonfire party, his head thrown back and a his eyes bright with mirth. What the picture didn’t show was Bella laughing beside him.

He was always so happy when he was with her. I remember the anxiety of his thoughts when he first phased and Sam refused to let him see her anymore. He had been terrified she would return to the shell of a person she had been immediately after the Cullens had left.

Embry nudged me and I looked up to see the procession moving along Jacob’s casket, each placing a keepsake with him. When it was my turn to pass I placed a picture in the basket. It was a copy of the photo on display but this was the full version, showing Bella sitting beside him, a happy smile on her face. I had placed it in an fabric bag; I didn’t want anyone else to see what I had given him. Paul in particular was constantly teetering on the edge of rage recently, eager to pursue what he referred to as ‘justice’ against the Cullens. If he saw the picture of Bella it may send him over the edge.

Sam had stopped him leaving La Push for the time being, concerned that the temptation would be too much. When Paul wasn’t patrolling the perimeter of the reservation, he was usually found on the beach, pummeling the sand in an effort to vent his rage. I looked over to him, expecting to see the familiar rage twisting his features. Instead he was looking across the circle with an expression akin to one who had just been hit over the head with a rubber mallet. I wondered if the reality of Jacob’s death had finally reached him, but when I followed his gaze I saw he was staring at Rachel.

 _Oh great, another imprint._ I thought bitterly.

I was impressed that he was able to fight the urge to go to her side immediately. Through the thoughts of the others that had imprinted I knew how strong the compulsion was to be close to their imprint. I was glad that he was able to keep his cool though; her brother’s funeral was hardly the time to drop that particular bombshell.

Old Quil spoke a little more, then people began to disperse, heading to Billy’s house for the gathering. I knew I should go too, but I needed solitude at the moment.

I headed down to the beach, and sat on the log that had once been Bella and Jacob’s spot.

I raked my hands through my hair in frustration. How did we get to this point? Only a month ago we were here, happy; now Jacob and Charlie were dead and Bella was... empty. I wanted to visit again, but in truth I was scared. Scared of the reaction from the Cullens, and scared of seeing her lying in that hospital bed; merely waiting for someone to flick the switch and end it all for good.

Unless the Cullens bit her that is.

Despite my aversion to seeing her becoming one of the enemy I couldn’t help but hope they did. She still had so much to offer the world, and there had been too much loss already.

I heard footsteps approaching and turned to see Emily walking towards me. I was very fond of Emily; the bond we had forged after Sam’s loss of control and my hospital vigil had only grown stronger over time.

She sat beside me, and wrapped her arms around her knees. “You okay?” she asked.

“Not really, you?”

“The same. I couldn’t stay at the house, it was too intense. Sam is still there; he feels compelled to support the others, but you can see it in his face that all he really wants is to get away from it all. At the moment he is trying to persuade Paul to give Rachel some space.” She looked at me with a wry look. “Another imprint huh.”

“Yep, another.”

“I remember when it was just me and Sam,” she joked. “Apparently we have started a trend. When do you think it will happen to you?”

“Hopefully never. No offence to you and Sam, but I like the solitary life.”

“A lone wolf huh.”

I chuckled. “Yeah, much simpler that way; love only hurts you. Look at Jacob and Bella, she would never have been able to love him the way he loved her. In the end it destroyed them both.”

She rested her head on my shoulder. “It’s not like that for everyone. Some people get their happy ever after.”

“Tell that to Bella,” I said, and seeing her hurt expression immediately regretted it. Emily and Bella had become close after Bella discovered our secret, and she was hurting the same as the rest of us.

“I’m sorry Emily, I didn’t mean... I am tired and it makes me cranky.”

“Nightmares?” she guessed. I nodded.

“Dr. Cullen gave me some sleeping pills, but either my metabolism is burning them off too fast, or they just don’t work. The nightmares keep coming regardless.”

“Sam too. He doesn’t like to talk about it, but they are worse since Jacob. Was it really bad, Jared?”

I looked at her sadly. “Worse than bad, Em. It was horrible and I’m glad you don’t have those memories too. It’s worse with the pack mind; if one of us thinks about it, we all do. Poor Seth is really struggling with it.

“That’s sad, he is so you-” The rest of her words were cut off as a howl ripped through the air. Without further thought I leaped to my feet, and phased.

 _‘Vampires, the redhead and another scent, at the boundary line,’_ Quil’s anxious voice said. _‘What do I do?’_

 _‘Wait for us,’_ Sam said. I felt the presence of other minds as the rest of the pack joined us.

I raced toward Quil, pushing myself harder than ever before. Killing the redhead was exactly what we needed now. This was how we could avenge Jacob.

 _‘Keep your head in the game, Jared,’_ Sam chided. ‘ _Now is not the time for vendettas. We have a chance to finish this once and for all.’_

As I got closer to the others, I too could smell the sickly sweet scent of vampires. I fell into step beside Sam as we raced towards the concentrated scent.

Embry spotted the redhead first. His eyes were so much keener than the rest of us, and his thoughts became excited, eager for the order from Sam to attack.

 _‘Be careful, there are two of them,’_ Sam instructed, _‘and a human.’_

As we approached, the redhead shot into the trees leaping from branch to branch trying to evade us.

_‘Seth, Leah, stay on the tail of the new one. The rest of you follow the redhead.”_

I shot after her. Her fiery hair making her a clear target despite her phenomenal speed.

 _‘She’s heading for the cliffs,’_ Paul thought furiously.

He was right; we caught up to her just as she launched herself into the ocean. My jaws clamped on her coat as she leaped, and it tore away leaving me with a scrap of foul tasting fabric in my mouth. I spat it to the ground in disgust.

 _‘Should we follow?’_ I asked, already knowing the answer. We had attempted to follow her in the water before, but she had dived beneath, and we had lost her.

 _‘No, we need to get back to the others,’_ Sam said.

The thoughts from Leah and Seth were fragmented and anxious.

 _‘What is happening, Leah?’_ Sam demanded.

 _We have caught it, but the human...’_ her thoughts trailed off. She had the vampire pinned to the ground, her jaws clamped on the vampires shoulder. There was no need for further explanation.

Seth was looking at the human on the forest floor, writhing in pain.

 _‘I think she’s changing,’_ Seth thought sadly. _‘What do we do?’_

 _‘Wait for us. we are close. Help Leah with the other,’_ Sam commanded.

Our frustration at the eluding us redhead once again gave us speed. We charged through the forest towards them, arriving within minutes.

The vampire was growling and attempting to bite Leah. She had released its shoulder, and was now pinning her down with her front legs on her chest. The human was about ten yards away, twisting and screaming as if caught in flames.

The vampire took a another snap at Leah, this time coming close enough to tear away a swatch of fur. Seth was goaded past endurance. With a metallic tearing he ripped the vampires leg off at the knee, and tossed it away.

 _‘Gross,’_ he thought, disgusted.

The vampire screeched in pain, and struggled harder to break free.

 _‘She cannot get away now,’_ Sam said. _‘You can release her.’_

Seth and Leah stepped back cautiously; still wary of the snapping teeth.

 _‘What are we going to do Sam?’_ I asked.

 _‘Kill it,’_ Paul said eagerly.

Sam did not answer, but his thoughts were racing. He knew what had to be done but was unwilling to give the order.

I stared at the vampire, her eyes were a luminous red, so different to the crimson of Laurent and Victoria. I thought there was something familiar about her, but did not pursue the thought. Whoever she had been before, she wasn’t that person now. She was a monster.

 _‘We will kill her,”_ Sam said finally. _‘And the human too.’_

I was stunned, unable to process his words enough to respond. Seth did not have the same problem.

_‘But she’s human, we can’t kill a human.’_

_‘She will not be human for long,’_ Leah said, there was a tenderness in her voice as she addressed her younger brother that I had never seen before. _‘Look at her Seth, she is changing. Soon she will become a leech, and then more humans will die for her thirst. Killing her now is the merciful thing to do.’_

Seth did not reply directly, but his thoughts showed his reluctant acquiescence.

Sam steeled himself, then phased into his human form. He crouched beside the changing human, taking her hand in his.

“I am very sorry for what has happened to you,” he said softly.

“It hurts,” she whimpered. “Please make it stop.”

“I will,” he said sadly. “Close your eyes.”

She looked into his eyes, and despite the pain twisting her features she still looked trusting. She dutifully closed her eyes.

Sam took a jagged rock from the floor, one side was narrowed at the edge like a blade.

“I am so sorry,” he said once more, then plunged the point of the rock into her chest.

She spasmed for a moment, then the rapid beating of her heart fell silent. Her pained expression changed to one of peace.

Sam stayed crouched at her side for a moment, then with a stiffening of his shoulders he rose to his feet, and approached the vampire.

“I am sorry for you too,” he said looking down at her. “I am sorry this happened to you, that you were changed, but I cannot allow you to live.”

“No,” she hissed. “I have to kill her. She did this to me, she needs to die.”

“Victoria?”

“No, the cruel girl, Bella.”

 _‘What the fuck?’_ The thought came from Quil, but it was echoed by us all.

We had no time to think about it however as Seth launched himself forward. In one swift movement her tore her head from her body. He pushed it aside and stood, his fur standing on end, and his muscles quivering.

 _‘Seth?’_ Leah said tentatively.

_‘I couldn’t do it again. Couldn’t let it happen.’_

_‘You did the right thing,’_ Sam said. _‘You did what needed to be done. Paul, Embry, can you finish it please.’_

Without word they tore at the vampire’s flesh, ripping her apart and piling the pieces. Sam and I phased back to human form, and prepared a fire. Once we had it burning we threw the pieces into the fire, trying not the breathe the acrid smoke.

When just the head remained we looked at each other awkwardly. None of us wanted to touch it, the eyes were still looking around frantically, and the mouth was open in a silent scream.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” A voice bellowed from behind us. I spun around to see Emmett and Alice sprinting towards us, fury etched on their features.

“What we had to,” Sam said calmly. “She was a threat and we eliminated her”

Alice was looking down at the vampires head with an expression of horror.

“Alice, is it?” Emmett asked.

She nodded sadly.

“We kill one of your bloodsucker buddies?” Paul asked, phasing back to speak.

“No,” said Emmett angrily. “You killed Renee Dwyer. Bella’s mother.”


	21. Devil In Her Heart

**.**

**Disclaimer:** All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Great sloppy kisses to Gredelina1 and Snarkymuch for beta’ing and to Arrr and Augustmoon99 for pre-reading.**

**This chapter is dedicated to** **vampireanimegurl, NoOneWillSurrenderTonight, and Mary-Alice-Brandon-Cullen for knowing the lyrics, and to xXElleGurlXx because her review made me laugh me ass off.**

**Chapter 21 — Devil In Her Heart**

**Jasper POV**

I have discovered a few things recently. First, Alice has a jealous streak I didn’t know about. Second, Esme has a potty mouth when annoyed and thirdly, Bella is so much more snarky than I remember.

I discovered the jealous streak when Alice called to let us know she and Emmett were on their way home. She got into a rant about Rosalie feeding my delusion, and stealing her best friend. That completely baffled me, first of all I wasn’t deluded; Bella was there and she could talk, if Alice would trust me, she’d know that too. Also, how could Rosalie be stealing her best friend if Bella was the brain dead shell Alice was convinced she was? It’s not like Rosalie was making friendship bracelets and looping them round Bella’s unresisting wrist; she was just talking to her.

Esme’s potty mouth came to light when she was on the phone to a medical supplies company, and they questioned her need for two heart monitors. “What if one breaks?” she had raged. My response had been ‘ _We will use our enhanced hearing instead_ ’, but I had kept it to myself. Her irritation knew no bounds and I didn’t want her taking it out on me. When she hung up the phone with a muttered ‘dipshit’ it was all I could do hold my laughter in.

Bella on the other hand had no such compunction. She blasted me with her amusement, not even talking through it; she just sent me wave after wave of amusement, adding to my struggle to keep a straight face. She seemed to enjoy making things difficult for me, especially with Rosalie. Admittedly, Bella didn’t know about Rosalie’s recent change of heart, but her snarky comments about Rose made things complicated. Rosalie didn’t know Morse code so I had to tell her everything Bella said, which sometimes involved some editing.

I was alone with Bella for now. Rosalie was out shopping – hopefully forgetting to pick up a book on Morse code – and Carlisle and Esme were still caught up in the preparations for Bella’s move. We’d got the go ahead from the doctors to move her in a few days, and I for one was eager to get it over with. I may not be bothered by Bella’s blood anymore, but the scent of blood from the rest of the hospital was enough to keep my throat at a low burn most of the time.

I felt Bella’s emotions moving from the calm void to a more alert curiosity.

“It’s just you and me, Bella, how are you feeling?” I greeted her.

‘ _Fine_.’

I had become so accustomed to feeling her tap out the words that it took no conscious thought to decipher it anymore; it was as if she was talking aloud to me.

“Are you ready to talk about it?”

_‘No.’_

I had been asking this question at every available opportunity since she had said, or rather felt, those shocking words. _No change, not anymore._

I hadn’t shared that bombshell with Rosalie, changed feelings or not, she would have done a victory dance if she had known. Besides I was sure it was just Bella’s frustration talking. We could delay her actual change as long as we needed to, but if the others thought she didn’t want it anymore, there would be nothing stopping them from giving up on her completely.

The thought of our family without Bella was repugnant, I loved her, purely as a sister, but it was an intense feeling nonetheless. I didn’t want to lose her. I was sure if I could just get her to talk about it, explain why she didn’t want the change now when she had all but begged for it before, I could change her mind.

“Alice and Emmett will be back later; they have been out of town checking into something.”

_“Checking what?’_

“Just some property issues we have, they will be happy to see you again.”

_‘Liar.’_

Technically yes. How did she know though?

_‘Projecting. What lie? Happy or why?’_

I was used to this fragmented form of questioning now, it seemed to take a great amount of energy for her to speak, and she didn’t waste it with flowery speeches. I quite liked it, it simplified things immensely.

“Well they _have_ been checking a property and they _will_ be happy to see you.”

_‘Lies again. I’m a shell, Alice said.’_

Dammit Alice! I didn’t know Bella had heard that; it must have made her feel like crap hearing her best friend saying that.

“She didn’t mean it, she’s just been through so much recently and she is protecting herself. Carlisle explained the medicine and…”

_‘Whatever.’_

I felt bad that she’d thought I was lying about the Alice thing, but at least I didn’t have to explain the property problems we were having. She didn’t know about Renee, and hadn’t asked so I wasn’t going to add to her misery. When we had solid information I would tell her, but there was no need to upset her yet. Right?

_‘So, where is Rosabitch?’_

I chuckled. The first time she used that moniker I had to ask her to repeat it, sure she had made a mistake.

“She’s gone shopping, we needed some stuff for the Forks house.”

_‘Morse code book?’_

“God, I hope not. She really does feel differently about you now, Bella, she’s trying hard.”

_‘Comas make everyone happy.’_

I laughed again, her emotions were feeding my mirth, she was wickedly amused. Her new sense of humor was a welcome relief lately. When it wasn’t getting me into trouble with Esme and Rosalie, that is.

I wondered if it was merely a result of her situation or if she had always been this way, but I hadn’t had a chance to discover it. I had always been careful to keep my distance before now, the temptation of her blood was only part of it, Edward had requested that I stay away for fear of incidents like those of her birthday party. I had missed out on the chance to get to know her properly, and that made me a little sad.

If this new personality carried over to her immortal life – and there _would_ be an immortal life for Bella, I was determined – Edward was going to get quite a shock. He needed it.

Though I didn’t have the same burning need for vengeance Emmett had, I was mighty sore at him. His stupid decision to leave Bella set forth a catastrophic chain of events, which, while he could not have foreseen them, had destroyed her life. I knew Edward well enough to know an epic fit of remorse and hair tugging was on the cards.

The door slid open and Esme poked her head in. “Are you okay in here Jasper? Do you need to take a break to hunt or anything?”

She completely ignored Bella which pissed us both off.

 _‘Hi, Esme,. How are you?’_ Though she was aiming for sarcasm, the underlying hurt in her emotions showed just how much this was bothering her.

“No, I’m fine thanks,” I said a little testily. I considered calling her on ignoring Bella, but it may lead to another explanation on how I was delusional and Bella was a shell. Neither of us wanted to hear that again.

“Okay then,” she said. “I’ll be around if you get lonely.”

_‘He’s not lonely, I’m here.’_

“I’ll be fine, I have Bella to talk to,” I said harshly, goaded by her thoughtlessness and Bella’s irritation. 

She shot me a sad, sympathetic look and slid the door closed again.

“Bella, she didn’t mean–“

_‘No more talk, read now.’_

I understood her annoyance and dutifully picked up the book and began reading. We had finally moved on from the classics and I was currently reading _Enigma_ to her. When I spotted it in the hospital gift shop it made me chuckle, and when I told her why I bought it she begged me to read it to her. Another sign of the new Bella we were dealing with.

I read quietly for about an hour before Rosalie returned.

“Hi, Bella,” she said happily, squeezing her hand.

_Hi, Barbie.’_

“Emmett called,” Rose continued happily. “They will be back in an hour, and asked us to meet them in the family room.”

I nodded my agreement, not wishing to open the subject of Alice and Emmett’s excursion again. Rosalie grabbed my hand and turned her attention to Bella.

“I got some lovely bed linens today, and some nice canvas prints for your room at the house.”

 _‘Ooh show me!’_ Bella sent through her annoyance. Judging from Rosalie’s happy expression, she hadn’t found time to learn Morse code in her absence. Thank God. “I was thinking we should get some new CDs for you too, you must be bored of the ones we have.”

 _“Please make it stop. Read!”_ Bella demanded, and I cleared my throat to hide my chuckle.

“I think Bella is a little tired, Rose,” I said tactfully. “We’ll carry on the reading for now, okay?”

“Sure, I’ll go look up Carlisle and Esme, leave you both to your story.” She gave Bella’s hand another squeeze and danced from the room.

_‘Thank God.’_

“So, do you want me to read some more or talk a while?” I asked. 

_‘Read please, tired now.’_

She had been sending a lot, but my curiosity was peaked. “How does it feel? When you rest I mean. It’s like you just cut out from my perspective. Do you have any control of it?”

_‘Learning control. Not sleeping, just dark.’_

_Just dark._ That sounded horrible. I don’t remember much about my human life, but I do remember how it felt to sleep, the escape of dreams. But she said she was learning control, maybe she would be able to hold back the darkness given a little time.

_‘Need to rest now.’_

I barely felt the words; she was clearly exhausted. I was about to ask about the ‘rest’, but she was already gone. Guess that answered my question, she couldn’t just rest, she had to go into the darkness. 

I looked down at her on the bed, listening to the machine pump the air into her lungs, the drip of the IV and the beeping of the monitors. It seemed crazy that so much technology was needed to keep her alive when talking to her showed just how vital and strong she really was. I couldn’t imagine how it felt for her to be so helpless, dependent on others for her every need. She had always been so proud, so independent.

“Oh, Bella,” I murmured, touching her hand. She was losing even more weight and I made a mental note to ask Carlisle about it, I knew one of the drips attached to her was providing her nutrition, but it didn’t seem to be enough.

After a while, I made my way to the family room to wait for Alice and Emmett. Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie were already there, looking over a list of tasks, and ticking off all that had been completed. The family room had become a sort of base of operations for us. Carlisle and Esme spent most of their time in here when not out hunting down more equipment or setting up the house for our return.

I knew they found it difficult to be around Bella now, but I couldn’t help but be annoyed. They could have done this in her room, made her feel a part of things, instead they skulked in here and ignored her. I didn’t believe Carlisle would be this callous to any other patient, and suspected it was the personal nature of Bella’s case and the associated pain that kept him from her room now.

“Bella okay?” Rosalie asked as I sat down beside her.

“She’s fine, having a rest now,” I said.

Carlisle gave me a look that was both confused and pitying.

 _Pity me all you like,_ I thought bitterly. _You will know the truth eventually._

I soon heard the sounds of Alice’s light footsteps and Emmett’s more solid thuds coming along the hall. We looked up as they entered and was immediately struck by their somber expression, they looked wretched.

Alice fell into my waiting arms and sobbed.

“Alice, what’s wrong?” I asked desperately. The only thing I could think of that would make her this upset was Bella, but I could hear the familiar thud of her heart from here.

“Renee. She’s dead.”

I was struck dumb, I knew there was a high likelihood of her being dead from what the police had said, but it was still a shock to have it confirmed.

“Did they find her body?” Esme asked.

“No, we saw it,” Emmett said angrily. “We saw them kill her.”

“Who, Victoria?”

“Not alone,” he said with a dark laugh. “The wolves did the honors, all Victoria did was change her.”

“Change her?” Esme said blankly. “I don’t understand.”

Alice looked up at her, an expression of such anguish on her face. “Renee was a vampire.”


	22. Hold Me Tight

**Jasper POV**

I ran through the forest, Alice at my side, Emmett and Carlisle ahead of us.

I was trying to keep my distance from Carlisle, as his emotions were a riot of confusion that were feeding my own chaotic thoughts.

Renee was dead, that was sad, but her passing did not worry me nearly as much as the impact this was going to have on Bella. She had now lost both her mother and father, and most of her surrogate family thought she was a brain dead vegetable. She was strong, but there had to be a limit sometime.

Alice took my hand and I focused on her instead, Carlisle wanted to see where Renee had met her end, and though he didn’t say it, I thought he wanted to mark her passing in some way, so at least he could give Bella that comfort when she heard the news.

Carlisle suddenly skidded to a stop, I wondered what had happened. But before I could ask, the pungent scent of werewolves reached me. A fresh scent, they were still here.

“Stay calm,” Carlisle cautioned. “We are here to talk to them, nothing more.”

He gave Emmett a particularly stern look, according to Alice when he had realized what had happened to Renee, he had been furious and it was only the fact that they were outnumbered that stopped him from attacking them all. I was relieved, if he had got Alice into a fight with a pack of werewolves I would have had to kill him myself. 

We walked slowly toward the scent, outwardly calm, but I could feel the tension building in us all. Sam and Jared were there in their human form.

_Well this should be interesting._

“Sam, Jared,” Carlisle nodded as he addressed them. “Why are you still here? I would have thought your work here is done.” His tone was polite, but the underlying message was clear. _Haven’t you done enough already?_

I looked down at the ashes on the ground, the difference between the ashes created by the wood they had used for fuel and the ashes that were all that remained of Bella’s mother were clear. Renee’s ashes were almost bone white, they also had a faint sheen.

“We thought you would come, and we wanted to talk to you.”

They were asking too much of our restraint, judging by Emmett’s deep growl he was thinking the same. 

“A pity,” Carlisle said in the same polite tones, “that you didn’t think to talk to us before destroying Bella’s mother.”

I expected them to feel chastened or at least saddened by Bella’s bereavement, I did _not_ expect the flash of anger I felt from them.

“That _thing_ was not Bella’s mother,” Sam spat. “That was the monster Victoria had created to _kill_ Bella.”

My own anger spiked. “Is that what I am supposed to tell her?” I snarled. “How do I explain that yet another person she loves has died?”

Alice laid her hand on my chest, I focused on her emotions rather than my own boiling rage, and it helped to calm me.

“Is Bella awake then?” Jared asked hopefully.

I had forgotten the wolves were not privy to the latest news of Bella, and even if they had, it was doubtful they would believe me. I hadn’t even been able to convince my own wife.

“No, she is not,” Carlisle said sadly, shooting me a curious glance, probably waiting to see if I would challenge him. I wouldn’t, I had given up on that long ago.

“What Jasper meant was how would we tell her when she awoke as a vampire.”

Carlisle was a genius. Though his anger at the wolves action was genuine, there was nothing that could be done about it now. Instead he had used their defensiveness to our benefit, by announcing Bella’s change now, he had caught them unawares.

“So, she is going to be changed,” Sam said, his emotions showing no shock.

Carlisle nodded. “We will be moving her from the hospital to our home tomorrow, and when she is physically ready we will change her. It is the only avenue open to us now. You must understand that.”

“Are you asking for our permission?” Sam asked scornfully.

“No, we have no need for you permission, nor any fear of your pack.” Sam bristled, but Carlisle continued on remorselessly, “I do not know what your legends tell of the original treaty, but you seem to be under the misconception that you have a right to dictate our actions.”

Sam was building up a strong force of indignant anger so I shot him a little calm, it was about time these dogs heard the facts, and if we had to wait for him to finish his tantrum it would take longer.

“When we met the original pack there were three of them and five of us, one of which was a mind-reader. Do you really think we feared them? We made the offer of a treaty, to avoid violence, to protect _them_. We agreed to the clause about not biting humans, as we were all comfortable in our choice to feed from animals, and I had already decided that I would not create another vampire.”

Whatever their legends had told them, it clearly wasn’t this, both Sam and Jared were radiating confusion.

“So you see,” Carlisle said. “We owe you _nothing._ Bella is going to be a vampire, that is decided. If you decide to attack us we will defend ourselves, and I know you are not so foolish to think that our family would stand alone. We have friends.”

Though it was calmly stated, even pleasantly, there was no mistaking the threat. _You come for us, you will lose._

I could see Sam struggling for something to say. He was the Alpha of his pack, a position of power and respect, and had now been made to feel like a squalling child, bemoaning the laws of the playground.

“What about what Bella wants?” he asked finally, marshaling his pride. “Doesn’t she get a choice?”

 _Good question,_ I thought. I knew what Bella wanted, what she had chosen, but I was keeping that bit of information to myself. I told myself that if it came down to it, and she still didn’t want the change I would stop Carlisle, but would I really?

“We cannot ask Bella what she wants,” Alice said. “But before we left she was more than ready to become a vampire, I don’t think that would have changed.”

I pulled Alice a little closer to me in response to her surge of sadness as she spoke about Bella. In all the confusion and frustration of my inability to make the others understand Bella was still aware, I had forgotten that they were all grieving too, they did not have the comfort of the truth like Rosalie and I.

“I am not happy about this,” Sam said.

“You don’t need to be,” Carlisle said. “You just need to understand that this is what is going to happen. I admire you Sam Uley, you have great responsibility for one so young, and I know leadership comes with difficult choices. I had to make a choice recently whether to be loyal to my first son and leave Forks and Bella or to refuse. I chose him, I left, and by doing that forced the rest of my family to leave too. We are all now dealing with the consequences of that choice, and I urge you to consider carefully before interfering with our plans. You have already lost one of your pack, do you really want to risk losing more?”

Carlisle’s sadness as he spoke was intense, yet I did not attempt to influence him, I knew he needed to feel this, and Sam needed to see it.

“Is that a threat?” Sam asked angrily.

“No, merely a warning from one who has learnt from his mistakes.”

Sam seemed to warring with himself, eventually he took a deep breath and spoke. “You say you don’t need our permission, but will you accept our blessing?”

Carlisle nodded serenely, though his emotions were elated, we would have changed Bella regardless of the wolves opinion, but Sam’s blessing simplified things so much.

“We only ask that you do your best to keep her controlled, we do not want more loss of life.”

“Of course we will,” Carlisle said, a little affronted. “Please tell us what you gleaned from Renee before she was destroyed.”

“She was after Bella, that much was clear, she called her ‘the cruel girl’. We interrupted her feeding, and a human was in the process of changing when we arrived.” A flash of pain crossed his face before he schooled his features into a calm mask. “We had to destroy her too.”

Though we were in no position to handle a newborn at the moment, with Bella the way she was, it was sad to hear that another life had been lost because of Victoria’s vendetta.

“That is unfortunate, had you contacted us we would have been able to make arrangements for her. There is another family like ours that live in Alaska that could have taken her in.”

“We didn’t know!” Jared spoke up. “She was hurting and wanted us to help her, what else could we do?”

I winced, remembering my own change, the burn of the venom as it coursed through my veins, I too had begged for help, for death.

Sam was feeling immense guilt, and I guessed that he had been the one to destroy the changing human, that was no easy feat, and it made me feel a little sympathetic towards him.

There was a mournful howl in the distance and Sam and Jared exchanged worried looks.

“Go,” Carlisle said. “You are needed, if it is something that concerns us, I trust you will let us know.”

“We will,” Sam said nodding gratefully. He and Jared ran off into the trees, and a moment later the sound of pounding footsteps became pounding paws, and they were gone.

Carlisle crouched beside Renee’s ashes and his emotions became serene, he only ever felt this way when he was praying and I averted my eyes, feeling as if I was spying on a private moment.

“Do you need us here?” I asked when he looked up again. “I’d like to hunt with Alice for a while.”

“You go ahead, I will meet you back at the hospital.” he replied.

“What about you, Em, you want to come?” Alice asked.

“Nah, I’ll stay with Carlisle.”

We waved our goodbyes then ran deeper into the forest together. I relished in the feeling of speed, and Alice’s hand in mine. There had not been enough time for us to be alone together since we arrived, and there was so much to talk about. I led her in the direction of the ridge that had become my thinking spot.

“I thought you wanted to hunt, are we going back already?” she asked.

“No, there is something I want to show you,” I explained. “We’re almost there.”

The trees thinned and we were soon standing at the ridge.

“Oh, Jasper, it’s lovely,” she said, taking in the view. “How did you find it?”

“I came across it the other day when I was hunting, I needed some space and this place seemed perfect.”

I sat on ground and pulled Alice down to me, she sat across my lap looking into my eyes.

“Rose has been here too,” she said.

“Yes, this was where she found me that day. This is where we talked.” I was unapologetic, I’d needed to talk, and Rosalie had been there for me.

“When she said she believed you could feel Bella?” she asked.

I groaned, I didn’t want to go over this again, especially not her feelings about Rose. I just wanted some time alone with my wife to just be. Apparently I wasn’t going to get what I wanted.

“Yes, this is where we were,” I said calmly. “Rosalie came and we talked, and she believed me.” I gave her a searching look. “Why can’t you believe me too?”

She looked deep into my eyes and I struggled to read her expression, it was not disbelieving or pitying as it had been before now, it was almost scared.

“I love Bella,” she stated, putting a finger to my lips when I opened my mouth to speak. ”Let me finish, please.”

I nodded mutely.

“I love Bella, and it hurts me to see her like she is, it hurts even more to know that she is not there anymore, and may never be there again. I hope the venom will work and she will be herself again, but even Carlisle has his doubts.”

I nodded again, I knew this already, what did this have to do with her inability to believe me?

“You know I used to sketch Bella while we were away?” I nodded. “Did you also know I would go to the room Esme created for her, and close my eyes and imagine she was there too?”

“No.” I couldn’t believe I hadn’t known this.

“I waited till you were hunting or out with Emmett,” she said. “I would sit on the bed and pretend she had just stepped out for one of her human moments, or Edward had dragged her away to eat as he used to when she would come to the house before.” She smiled sadly.

I remembered her frustration at the times when Edward would swoop in and ‘rescue’ Bella from Alice’s clutches. Sometimes Bella would feel annoyance when he would interrupt something they were doing, other times, like when Alice would be experimenting with her hair for example, she would all but leap into his arms. On those days, Bella would hide her emotions to protect Alice’s feelings, I doubted that would be the case anymore, new Bella was a lot more assertive. I wondered if I would have ever seen this side of her, had we not been reliant on her sharing emotions to communicate.

“So, even when we were away I still felt like I had Bella, and when we got here she was so ill, but she was still Bella, it still felt like her. I don’t feel that anymore. I try, but that isn’t Bella. I think that’s what you are doing now.”

“I _can_ feel her Alice,” I said frustrated.

“I believe you are feeling something, but I don’t think it’s Bella. I think you are doing the same as I would do in her bedroom, you want it so much you are feeling it.”

I could feel her certainty, and knew there was nothing I could do to convince her otherwise.

I didn’t speak again, I merely held her close to me and inhaled her familiar comforting scent. Stubborn, or maybe just misguided, she was still my Alice.

“I love you, Jasper,” she whispered.

“I know darlin’, and I love you,” I replied, kissing her gently on the cheek. We sat like that for a few hours just watching the time pass, enjoying the peace. I felt a little guilty for leaving Bella alone so long, but the sooner I faced her the sooner I would have to tell her about her mother. She was far too astute to let me get away without telling her for long.

“Shall we head back?” Alice asked eventually. Little though I wanted to, I agreed and we ran back to the hospital hand in hand.

We stepped out of the tree line and spotted a frantic Emmett pacing outside the main door, his phone in his hand.

“Emmett, what’s wrong?”

He spun as he heard my voice and ran to us. “Shit man, why don’t you answer your damn phone?”

I patted my pockets. “I guess I forgot to take it, what’s happened?”

“It’s Bella, her heart has been doing that weird racing thing again and Carlisle is going crazy, Rose sent me to find you, she thinks you can help.”

 _Weird racing thing._ Bella was trying to talk and I wasn’t there. I jogged along the halls, Alice and Emmett beside me. As we reached the stairwell my legs gave way as I was hit with the a force of emotion.

“What the fuck?” Emmett said gripping my arm. “You okay, Jasper?”

I couldn’t speak, the assault of pain hitting me had me gasping.

Bella wasn’t trying to speak, she was screaming.

Forcing my legs to move I hurried to her room, ignoring the frantic questions from Rose, I took Bella’s hand.

“I’m here, calm down, tell me what has happened,” I said gently.

_‘Tell me, tell me, tell me.’_

The words were sent through a hail of pain and suffering. Each letter hurting me, who knew what it was doing to Bella’s poor body to send at that force. Her heart was racing at a frantic pace.

“Tell you what, darlin’?” I asked, though I feared I already knew the answer.

_‘Is she dead?’_

“Bella you need to calm yourself down, we can hear you fine now, you need to relax a little, your heart is going too fast,” Rosalie said.

 _‘Tell me!’_ Bella demanded.

“Yes, I’m sorry, but yes.”

_‘Okay.’_

It came a soft sigh of emotion, as if all her energy had been spent getting the answer she needed.

_‘Thank you.’_

“Bella I am so sorry,” I said. “I promise you...”

I trailed off as I registered the absence of what had become one of the most vital sounds to us all.

Her heart had stopped.


	23. No Reply

**Jasper POV**

I stood frozen, staring down at Bella as the room erupted into chaos around me. Carlisle was shouting orders at someone … _when did he get here? …_ a nurse was pulling open Bella’s gown … _her wounds are nearly healed now …_ and placing pads on her skin.

“Clear!” A voice shouted and strong hands pulled me away, I struggled against them.

“Jasper you have to let go!” someone said.

I looked down and saw Bella’s hand still in mine … _so soft …_ another hand took mine and made me release Bella.

A jolt and her torso arched up from the bed … _so fragile …_ then thumped back. The machine still making the horrid droning sound.

“Again!”

Another jolt another thump … _did that hurt her?_ … more drone.

“Charge to two-hundred. Clear!”

Jolt _… come on, Bella, come on …_ a thud … _I have to do it now …_ droning … _bite her now …_

“Jasper, what are you doing?”

_It will work, it has to work._

“Emmett, hold him back.”

Hands holding me tighter, a small hand on my cheek, a familiar scent.

“Wait!”

_Thud … Beep_

“I think we got something.”

_Thud … Beep … Thud … Beep … Thud … Beep … Thud … Beep … Thud … Beep_

“Yes, we have a rhythm.”

“Thank you God.”

_Thank you Bella._

The arms around my chest released me, and the small hand moved from my face to my hand, it tugged me towards the door.

“No!” I finally found my voice.

“Just come outside for a moment, there are things they need to do.” I looked down and saw it was Alice pulling me away, her brow furrowed and her eyes dark. “We can come right back again.”

I followed her into the hall, but balked when she led me to the stairs.

“Too far?” she guessed and I nodded.

“Okay, we can go to the balcony then.”

I followed her, trailing along like a dutiful child. That was good, I didn’t have the capacity to think of mundane things like walking now. My mind was in chaos.

She led me onto the balcony and directed me onto a chair. Once I was sitting she pulled her own chair beside me and took my hand.

“Just push it away for the moment,” she said soothingly.

This was a technique we had used when I was first adjusting to the vegetarian diet. Whenever the thirst would be too much she would tell me to push it away, to focus on only one thing. In those days it was her scent. I closed my eyes and forced it away, listening for and finding Bella’s heartbeat.

_Thud, thud, thud, thud…_

“You have it?” she asked.

I nodded, squeezing her hand. The technique worked now, just as it had done then. It felt like I was being pulled from deep water, and I wondered distractedly if that was how Bella felt when she came out of the darkness.

As I forced the haze from me, the reality of what had just happened reached me and I choked out a strangled sob.

“It’s okay, she’s okay,” Alice soothed, climbing into my lap and rocking me gently like a child. “Listen to it, she’s okay.”

I had to marvel at how well she knew me, not many women would be as quick to comfort their husband as they cried for another.

I clung to her and allowed myself to feel it all, the shock, the fear, the desperation, and the relief. All the while listening to the comforting thud of Bella’s heart and inhaling Alice’s soothing scent. After a while I gained control again and pressed a kiss to her lips.

“Thank you,” I said gratefully.

“I love her too,” she said simply. “You weren’t the only one freaking out in there. I am pretty sure Carlisle and Esme, and Emmett and Rose are all doing something similar right now. There is no shame in feeling the way you do.”

“I love you.” I pulled her to me and kissed her deeply, savoring the feel of her strong grip in my hair.

“Me too,” she giggled. “Do you need to hunt or shall we go back in.” Her eyes glazed over for a moment, then she snapped back to the present. “The others will be in the family room in a moment.”

“Let’s go to them, I don’t need to hunt too desperately, and I…”

“You want to stay close?” she guessed.

“I do. How about you, do you want to hunt?” I traced the light shadows under her eyes, they were back to their usual clear gold, but I wanted her to feel comfortable.

“I’m fine.”

We stood together and slowly made our way to the family room. Emmett and Rosalie were just coming along the corridor from the opposite direction.

“You okay man?” Emmett asked.

I shrugged. I honestly had no idea how I felt at the moment. He nodded his understanding.

The door to the family room clicked open and Carlisle’s careworn face could be seen.

“Shall we do this in here, or do you want to go to Bella’s room?” he asked.

“I think here is best,” I said, as eager as I was to get back to Bella I didn’t want her to hear us discussing anything that may trigger another episode like the last. I was determined to understand what had happened.

We all entered and took our seats, each of us clinging to our mate as if they would be swept away from us at any moment.

“Does anyone have any questions about what has happened?” Carlisle asked.

“Yeah, what the hell was that?” Emmett asked.

“As we know, Bella has been having these episodes of tachycardia, this one did not resolve itself as the others have done which caused her heart to fail. She is okay now, they got her back to a stable rhythm. They will keep her attached to the defibrillator, so if it happens again it will be automatically corrected.”

“What does this mean for our plans to take her home?” Alice asked.

“I will have to speak to her doctors, but I don’t think it will be a problem, they aren’t going to be too concerned about her leaving the hospital given her… status.”

Basically to the hospital she’s already dead, so why would they care.

“Does it affect our other _plans?_ ” Esme asked tactfully.

“It complicates things a little, but that was true before this latest episode anyway. What we are planning to do is untested as far as I know, there are no guarantees, and I want you all to understand that now. We could succeed in changing her, but not repairing the damage done by the surgery.”

 _Carlisle speak for ‘don’t get your hopes up people, she may still be a vegetable after all.’_ I thought savagely.

Now that I was able to think clearly again my thoughts were returning to Bella’s words _‘Renee. Is she dead?’_ How had she known?

“What was happening when it started?” Rosalie asked, taking the words from my mouth.

“We were just talking,” Esme said. “We were sitting with Bella, I know you don’t like her to be alone, and Carlisle was telling me about the meeting with the wolves and–”

“Let me guess, you were discussing Renee’s death,” Rosalie said angrily, my own feelings mirrored hers.

It was all well and good for them to appease our ‘delusion’ by keeping Bella company, but why the hell couldn’t they control their damn mouths. Why did they not listen when I told them she could hear? Was it too much to ask that they save the upsetting stuff for when they were alone?

“We were discussing having a memorial service for Renee,” Carlisle explained. “I gathered Renee’s ashes and we were discussing what would be a suitable way to honor her life. Bella would want to mark her passing in some way.”

“Yes, she would,” I said through gritted teeth. “What she _wouldn’t_ want is to hear the news of her one remaining family member’s death being discussed like you were planning a damn garden party.”

“Jasper, we didn’t–” Esme began, but I cut her off.

“I know you don’t believe me when I say Bella is still there, I understand your reasons, but why the hell can’t you at least respect my belief enough to save that shit for when she can’t hear? Why do we have to keep having this conversation? Why won’t you listen?”

“I am sorry,” Carlisle said. “I was upset after the confrontation with the wolves and wanted Esme’s advice as to what to do with Renee’s remains.”

“Wait,” Emmett interjected. “Where are Renee’s remains now?”

“I think they are still in Bella’s room,” Esme said. “With all the confusion…”

“So, Bella is alone now with her dead mother’s ashes? That is seriously fucked up!” Emmett looked disgusted.

I had heard enough, I stood and looked to Alice. “I’m going back to see Bella, you coming?”

“I’ll be there in a moment,” she said looking at Esme’s remorseful expression. Carlisle was whispering comforting words into her ear and holding her hand. I hadn’t meant to upset Esme, but both she and Carlisle had fucked up, yet again. This would be the last time, I was determined of it, even if it meant I would not leave Bella’s side.

I made my way to Bella’s room, Rosalie and Emmett following. She was resting again, her emotions the calm void, and in truth I didn’t blame her. If I could block everything out and gain a little peace, I would.

I sat beside her and took her hand in mine, Emmett was looking around the room searching for the bag o’ mummy that had caused the latest crisis.

“Anything?” Rosalie asked.

“No, she’s resting.”

Emmett stopped his search and looked at us, he wasn’t giving us the pitying look we usually got from Carlisle, or Esme’s compassionate concern, he seemed reluctantly curious. I waited for him to speak, but after a moment he shrugged and continued his search.

“Got it!” he exclaimed, pulling Esme’s purse from under a chair. “I’ll just take… uh… _this_ back to Esme.” He walked from the room looking a little ludicrous carrying the delicate purse in his enormous hand.

“What are we going to do, Jasper?” Rosalie asked as the door slid closed. “We can’t leave her alone anymore, they keeping fucking up.”

I sighed, raking my hands through my hair. “We make sure either you or I am with her at all times. It will be easier when we take her home, we won’t have to keep up the human pretence anymore.”

“I guess,” she sighed. “We came too close to losing her today, Jasper.”

“Tell me about it.” I thought back to the horror of those… what had it been minutes, seconds? It felt like it had lasted a lifetime.

“You were going to bite her, weren’t you?” she said shrewdly.

“Yes,” I admitted. “I wasn’t thinking too clearly at the time, but it was all I could think to do. I was scared, Rose.”

She smiled sadly. “Me too. The thought crossed my mind, if I knew for sure it was what she wanted I would do it.”

I knew what she wanted, she had told me, but I had thought I would be able to change her mind, now though, I wasn’t so sure.

The door slid open and Alice entered, casting Bella a quick sad glance then coming to sit in my lap.

“How’s Esme?” Rosalie asked.

“Still upset. She and Carlisle are going to the house to set the last of the stuff up, they spoke to the doctor, we can take Bella home tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow? That seems fast, especially after what just happened,” I said.

“I thought so too, but Carlisle said…” her voice trailed off.

“Alice?” I pulled her face to mine and realized from her glazed eyes she was having a vision, and from her emotions I could tell it was not another changing trend in the stock exchange. Her eyes were blank, but her brow furrowed.

Rosalie and I sat silently, waiting impatiently to discover what new form of fuckery was about to rain down on us.

Alice snapped out of the vision with a groan.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Victoria. That Riley guy wasn’t kidding about the army part, there were so many.”

An army of newborns, well ain’t that just fucking grand.


	24. The Long and Winding Road

**Jasper POV**

Today was the day. Today we were finally going to take Bella home.

She had not been alert again since the episode the day before, but that was probably a good thing. It would be quite the ordeal for her to be moved, and I hoped she would remain asleep throughout the journey.

Everything had been organized down to the last detail, a private ambulance would be collecting her soon and Carlisle would travel with her to the house. Esme and Alice were already there waiting for us. Emmett, Rosalie and I would be driving behind the ambulance. I was unable to travel with her in the ambulance as space was limited, yet I wanted to be as close as possible in case she woke.

Carlisle had promised that he would talk to her throughout the journey, though it was clear he thought it was a waste of time. He gave me an exasperated look when I handed him the book we were reading, but didn’t argue.

Jenny was with Bella now, having asked for a moment to say goodbye. Esme had extended an invitation for her to visit us at the house, but I didn’t expect her to come calling. Like the doctors and most of the family, she too seemed to believe that Bella was gone. It was probably a good thing though, we were expecting enough visitors already.

After Alice’s vision we had contacted Sam Uley to fill him in on the news. He had requested a meeting, and given the situation with Bella’s move, we had agreed to allow them to visit the house. Rosalie was not impressed about this, demanding that they be met outside and be kept off the furniture. I wished Bella had been awake to hear that particular conversation, she would have got a kick out of it.

The door slid open and a red eyed Jenny came out clutching a tissue, she smiled sadly at us then headed into the bathroom, we could hear her sobs through the closed door.

Carlisle came along the hall, trailed by the vile Dr. Green. I was not sorry to be seeing the back of him, and from Carlisle’s clenched fists I knew he was thinking the same.

“The transfer team will be here in a moment,” Carlisle said. “Do you want to stay and wait with me, or shall I meet you outside?”

I desperately wanted to be outside. The thought of watching them handle Bella like a volatile bomb - which in essence is what she had become - scared me. But at the same time I felt I owed it to her to be close. I had already screwed up once by leaving her with others, and they had unintentionally informed her of her mother’s death. I was not going to do it again. 

“I can stay,” Rosalie said, seeing my internal struggle. “I can help them, and you and Emmett can wait outside, get some fresh air.”

I sighed with relief. Rosalie would remember to keep talking to Bella and she was medically trained too, so she could be of actual use, unlike me and my hall monitor act.

“Thanks, Rose,” I said gratefully. “I’ll just go have a quick chat with her, then I’ll wait outside.”

I went to Bella’s room and stood by her bed, holding her hand. There was no flicker of emotion from her so I knew she was still in the void, but I wanted to talk to her regardless. It was more for my own peace of mind than for Bella’s sake. 

“We will be off soon, Bella. Rosalie is going to help them get you ready, and Carlisle will be in the ambulance with you. I will be right behind you, I promise. Just a little longer and you will be home with us, we will be able to talk properly then, okay?” There was no response - not that I expected one, but I felt better for having seen her.

“See you real soon, darlin’.” I pressed a kiss to her hand, then headed out of the door and along the corridors to the exit.

Emmett was waiting for me by the car, it was another grey overcast day which worked well for us. It would have been a bit awkward trying to explain why we needed to wait for the sun to go down before we could leave the hospital.

“You okay?” he asked as I joined him in his pacing by the car.

I shot him a baleful look. “Me neither,” he said. “Still, it will all be over soon. We’ll get her home, then as soon as her heart can take it, we do the renovations and she’ll be Bella again.

 _She already is!_ I thought irritated.

There was a flurry of movement at the door, and Carlisle came out followed by Rose and the ambulance crew with Bella. The group around her gurney moved with her like pilot fish around the shark, each holding some piece of machinery or equipment. Though I had spent enough time with Bella to see just how much was needed to keep her alive, it was still a shock to see it all there. It made the risks of what we were doing seem suddenly real, and I had to fight the urge to tell them to take her back inside where there were more people to take care of her.

We were all going to need to learn how all this stuff worked, I cursed myself for not thinking of it sooner. Why had I wasted so much time studying frivolous subjects like Philosophy and History when I could have learnt how to look after her?

“Jasper, what are you doing?” Emmett asked, confused. “I think they need space to work.”

I had not realized, as I had been contemplating my own folly, that I’d started edging towards Bella. I walked back to him shrugging. “Don’t know.”

He eyed me with concern, but did not push the subject. I was pretty sure the family thought I was halfway to crazy already, no need to add more fuel to the fire.

We watched them with bated breath as they got Bella situated in the ambulance and all the equipment settled around her. Carlisle had not been wrong, there was no room for anyone else in there, he and the paramedic were crammed in with not an inch to spare. I took one long look at Bella, then nodded to Carlisle who swung the door shut.

I climbed into the car tapping my foot impatiently as I waited for Rosalie and Emmett.

“Chill, dude,” Emmett said as he got into the drivers side. “It’s not like they are going to race us in that clunker, I bet we could make it to Forks and back before they even reach the town limits.”

I growled low in my throat, this was not the time for screwing around.

“Kidding,” he said sheepishly.

“Just drive, Em,” Rosalie instructed.

“Yes, ma’am,” he said in a poor imitation of my accent, tipping an invisible Stetson.

I chuckled. He was as anxious as the rest of us, but yet again he was doing his best to lighten the tension.

The ambulance pulled out of the lot and Emmett followed, we were going at an excruciatingly slow pace that made me anxious and relieved in equal measure. I wanted to get Bella home and settled, this journey scared me, but at the same time I worried at every corner and bump in the road that something could be dislodged or broken in the ambulance.

“She’s okay, Jasper,” Rosalie soothed, leaning between the front seats to rub my arm. “Listen, you can hear her heartbeat, and Carlisle is reading to her just like he promised.”

I focused and found she was right, the gentle thump of Bella’s heart could be heard, as could Carlisle’s voice as he read to her.

I leaned back in the seat and closed my eyes, pushing out all but Bella’s heartbeat and Carlisle’s voice. It was easier to handle the anxiety like this, with my enhanced hearing I could pretend I was there in the ambulance with them, it made me feel a little less impotent at least.

We made it to the edge of Forks without incident, when one of the monitors in the ambulance began to beep erratically.

My eyes shot open, panicked. “What the hell?”

I gripped the door handle, resisting the urge to jump from the moving car and into the ambulance, to do what, I didn’t know, but I was frantic.

“Is she talking?” Rosalie asked.

I concentrated and could feel no fluctuation in her emotions, she was still emitting the void calm. “No, she’s still sleeping. I don’t understand!”

“Carlisle is there, he knows what to.”

We waited in silence listening to Carlisle converse with the paramedic.

“Tachycardia, should we try and shock her back into rhythm?” the voice of the paramedic asked.

“Give her a moment,” Carlisle said.

 _Give her a moment._ What the fuck was he thinking? Bella’s heart was beating much too fast.

“Sure?” the paramedic said uncertainly.

“Yes,” Carlisle said calmly.

Even as he spoke Bella’s heart slowed into her usual steady pace.

“There see. I knew she could do it,” he spoke with complete confidence, Rosalie and I exchanged bemused looks. This was so different from the Carlisle we had been dealing with of late, was it possible that he was starting to believe us?

The rest of the journey passed quietly enough, and before long we were pulling into the long drive. I had not been back to the house at all since we had returned, and it was a surreal experience seeing the familiar white house, home of some of my best, and worst, memories.

Esme and Alice were waiting on the porch as we pulled up, both looking anxious. Carlisle climbed out of the ambulance and Esme rushed to his side.

“She’s okay, gave us a little scare on way, but she’s fine now,” he assured her, forestalling her questions. Then he turned to me, “Your eyes are black, you need to hunt. Emmett will go with you and we will get Bella settled in.”

I opened my mouth to protest, but Rosalie spoke up, “I will stay with Bella, you really do need to hunt.”

I knew she was right, the anxiety had taken it’s toll on me. I needed to hunt to release some pent up emotion as much as I needed the sustenance.

“Come on, Jazz,” Emmett said, tugging my arm. “Leave the girls to get Bella settled in, and we can see who can bag a bear.”

I nodded my agreement, but had no intentions of being away any longer than needed. Let Emmett chase his bear, I was going to grab the first animal to cross my path and get it done.

Alice came and pecked me on the cheek. “Black bear in the clearing by the waterfall,” she whispered in my ear. “You’ll get there before Emmett if you jump the river, he’s going through it as usual.”

I smiled and kissed her. “Thanks darlin’.”

I took a run at the river and cleared it in one smooth bound, as Emmett charged through it, shaking like a dog as he reached the opposite side.

Alice was right of course, I found the bear at the clearing and made short work of my hunt. I had just dropped the carcass when Emmett appeared, his bright smile fading as soon as he saw me and my kill.

“That sucks man, why do you get the psychic mate? Rosie’s great and all, but she don’t get me bears.”

“Just lucky I guess,” I said brushing down my clothes. “Besides, Rose may have a gift after all, what about that thing she did with the newborn? That was pretty cool.”

“Yeah, she’s curious about that too, maybe now we’re home we can experiment with it a bit, I bet Carlisle... are you even listening to me?”

“Yeah, of course, I was just thinking about Bella.” In truth I had only been half listening to him. I was eager to get back. She might be awake now, she had been ‘resting’ an awful long time, and I didn’t want to miss it if she was trying to talk.

“Go on then,” he said. “You head back. I’ll bury Gentle Ben for you, then I’ll be right behind you.”

“You’re the best, Em,” I said gratefully. He laughed and waved as I turned and ran back towards the house.

I did not know if Bella would be awake when I got back, even if she wasn’t sooner or later she would be and I was going to have to answer some difficult questions. Her mother was dead and I hadn’t told her, she was bound to feel betrayed about that. I wondered if I had made a mistake, maybe if she had known there was a chance of it she would have handled the news better.

I was still questioning my decision when I reached the river at the edge of the property. The voices coming from the house were gentle and calm, a darn sight calmer than they had been since we had returned. It seemed the whole family was more relaxed now. We were back home where we could be ourselves and not have to worry about hiding our true natures.

I reached for the emotional tenor of the family, and through the calm of the others I felt a muted sadness; Bella was awake.

I hurried my pace and gave Esme a cursory wave as I made my way up the stairs and into Carlisle’s library, which had been transformed into a room for her. There had been much debate about this between Esme and Alice. Esme had been planning to use Edward’s room, but Alice said that it would be better to wait until Bella could choose herself whether to go into that particular room.

Esme seemed to think as soon as Bella and Edward were reunited we would all go back to playing happy families, providing Bella was ‘well’ after her change of course. I had no doubt that Bella would be fine once changed, she was only physically trapped now anyway, her changed personality on the other hand... I wondered how she would react to Edward, if faced with him now.

Rosalie looked up from the book as I barrelled into the room. Alice was arranging flowers in a vase in the corner and dropped the stems to the floor.

“Jasper, what’s wrong?” she asked frantically.

“Nothing,” I said shortly going to Bella’s side and taking her hand, Rosalie took my other. Alice looked at us as if we were completely insane, I guess from her perspective we did look a little odd, but now was not the time to be self-conscious.

“Bella, you’ve been moved, we are at the Forks house now. I’m here, so is Alice and Rose.”

I waited for a response but none came. She was aware, I could feel the shifting emotions as she processed what I had said, but she did not send anything through them.

“How are you feeling?” Rosalie asked tentatively.

Again there was nothing.

“You try,” Rosalie said, looking to Alice.

“I don’t...”

“I know what you think, but do it for us, just talk to her, _please_ ,” the last came out as a plea.

Alice looked at Rosalie for a moment, then slowly approached Bella’s other side. “Hi, Bella.”

I waited, dropping Rosalie’s hand so I could focus on Bella, perhaps I was just missing it, she could be having trouble sending. There was still nothing, a small spark of surprise when Alice spoke, but other than that, just deep sadness. No message, no letters, nothing.

I raked my hands through my hair in frustration, she was there, I knew she was but she either couldn’t or wouldn’t talk.

“Still nothing?” Rosalie asked. 

“Not a thing, she’s there I can feel her, but she’s not talking.”

“Maybe she just needs a rest, she’s had a lot to deal with, maybe she just wants some quiet.” Rosalie attempted to reassure me, but I could tell from her emotions that she didn’t believe it anymore than I did.

Alice slipped from the room and I could hear her explaining to Esme and Carlisle in low tones what had happened. I did my best to block out their voices, I didn’t want to hear them discuss how my delusion was changing, or maybe how I was finally realizing the ‘truth’.

Rosalie picked up the book and began reading again. I sat still holding Bella’s hand trying to decipher some response from her emotions. When we had read to her before she had been a maelstrom of emotion, following the story and feeling so different with each passage. It had been an interesting experience reading with her as she engaged so fully in the plot. Now though, she seemed completely oblivious to Rosalie’s voice, she was so damn sad.

“Bella, please talk to me,” I begged. “I know you have had a hell of a shock and you’re hurting, but you’re scaring us.”

Again there was nothing, I may as well have not spoken.

Rosalie put the book down with a sigh and turned to face me. “Sam called when you were hunting, he and the pack will be here soon.”

“That’s nice,” I said distractedly, still focused on Bella.

“Hey,” she snapped her fingers in front of my face. “Pay attention.”

I grudgingly took my eyes from Bella and looked at her. “So, the wolves are coming, what do you want me to do?” I knew I was being rude, but I didn’t much care. I was worried, and all I really wanted to do now was hold Alice to me and ignore all else but her and Bella.

“Snap out of it. You’re worried, I get that, so am I, but the wolves are here to discuss that _little_ problem we have.”

I know she was being careful to avoid mention of the newborn army to protect Bella, but I was desperate. It hadn’t worked when I mentioned Edward, but maybe Bella’s instinct for self sacrifice would come into play now.

“You mean that army of newborns on their way to kill us all?” I asked loudly.

She looked shocked, but I disregarded her, hoping for some reaction from Bella, again there was nothing.

“Shit,” I cursed loudly. “Come on, Bella, an army of newborns hell bent on getting to you, that has to be worth something!”

“Enough,” Rosalie said harshly, taking my arm and trying to pull me from the room. She was strong but I was stronger, I pulled from her grip with ease and turned again to Bella, set to make another attempt at breaking her silence.

“I said that is enough, Jasper,” her voice was different now, gentle, understanding. She took my arm again and led me to the hall.

 _This is good,_ I thought, _she will know what to do, she will help me make Bella talk._

An almost indifferent feeling had taken over me and I was sure that if I did as she said it would all be okay. That wonderful feeling came to an abrupt end as she slapped me hard on the cheek.

“Dammit, Rose. What the hell!”

“Exactly what I was going to say!” she shouted. “What the hell were you thinking? She has been through enough already, she doesn’t need you scaring her like that.”

“She wasn’t scared though, Rose, she wasn’t anything but sad. I think something is really wrong.”

“Of course something is wrong, she’s in a coma, her parents are dead and _she_ almost died last night. Again! Even Bella’s ability to compartmentalize is going to struggle with that!” She was seething with rage and her anger was feeding my own.

“I _was_ going to ask what you wanted to do while the wolves were here,” she continued. “But now I’m not asking, I’m telling. You will meet the wolves with the others and I will stay with Bella, maybe one of the wolves will bite your ass and snap you out of this fit of stupidity you seem to have landed in.”

 _Snap you out of this..._ that made me think, and the realization made my anger disperse.

“Rosalie, I think you did that thing to me?”

“I didn’t do anything to you, that was all your own stupidity,” she said, still annoyed.

I remember the feeling of indifference to my surroundings, like nothing mattered but what she was saying and how it would help me, help Bella.

“Rosalie, you’re gifted.”

“Tell me about it!” Emmett shouted from the lounge.

Rosalie and I exchanged a look then burst into gales of laughter.


	25. Shout

**Jasper POV**

“How much longer, Alice?” I asked.

“Our futures disappear in five, four, three, two, now. So I’m guessing they’re–”

“Here,” Carlisle finished as the wolves moved slowly out of the trees edging the property and approached the house.

I had seen them at close quarters a few times now, but the sight of them still gave me pause. They were huge. As they moved I could see muscles stretching and relaxing under their fur. The graceful power of their movements was as close to intimidating as things got for a vampire.

Sam phased to his human form, moving behind another wolf to spare Alice and Esme’s eyes. Rosalie had stood by her decision and was now sitting with Bella.

“Cullens,” he nodded a greeting.

If he was going to open conversation by addressing us like that, we were going to have a problem. He knew our names after all.

Carlisle was clearly thinking the same as he said, “Nice to see you, _Sam_.” Laying emphasis on his name. “Can you please ask the rest of your pack to assume their human forms too, we have things to discuss, and waiting for you to switch forms to communicate with your friends will slow us down somewhat.”

“They are not comfortable being vulnerable–” Sam began, but Emmett cut him off.

“For fuck’s sake, how many times have we had the chance _and_ provocation to attack you? Yet we haven’t. Now, will you man the fuck up and phase, or you may as well leave, we don’t speak _dog._ ”

“What my son means,” Carlisle said, his lips quirking into a small smile, “is that we have shown you before we have no intention of hurting you. If you cannot trust enough to speak to us now, how will we be able to work together to combat this threat?”

“That’s fair,” Sam said grudgingly, then faced his pack. “Phase back now.”

There was a great deal of whining and growling from the wolves. When he spoke again it was an order. “You will phase back _now._ ”

The pack ran into the trees, and after a moment they returned in their human forms. Each of them careful to keep their pace slow, none of them wishing to lead the group. I rolled my eyes, and Alice tapped her foot impatiently.

When they were within hearing distance Carlisle spoke again. “Would you like to come inside, or are you more comfortable outside?”

I heard Rosalie hiss angrily from the second floor and Emmett chuckled.

“Outside would be better,” Sam said carefully.

Carlisle nodded, walked down the steps and sat on the floor in a smooth, graceful movement. Esme sat at his side and the rest of us followed. Alice curling in my lap, and Emmett flanking Esme’s other side. The pack stared incredulously at us for a moment, then they too sank to the ground, facing us.

“All we need now is a campfire and some marshmallows, and it’ll be a party,” Emmett said happily. 

His words broke the tension, and we all laughed. Once again Emmett demonstrated his uncanny knack for knowing exactly when we needed some lightheartedness.

“Victoria has raised an army,” Carlisle announced, and the laughter died at once, now everyone looked solemn and alert. “An army of newborn vampires, that we can only assume she plans to use to attack us and Bella.”

“Newborns?” Jared asked curiously. “You mean young ones?”

“Yes, very young,” I said, taking up the explanation. This was my area of expertise after all. “For the first year after the change we are exceptionally strong. Newborns have been used for territory battles for decades, but that is another story. The point is, we have a group of incredibly strong vampires on their way, and we can’t fight them alone. We need help.”

“What about those other vampires you mentioned?” Leah asked. “I heard you have a bunch of friends that are ready to protect you and _Bella_ , why do you need us?” she sneered, and I felt Alice tense in my arms. 

“We do have friends, we merely thought you would want the opportunity to fulfill your purpose and destroy a real threat for a change,” Alice said.

“Quiet, Leah,” Sam said as she opened her mouth, then he turned to us. “You were right, we do want the opportunity, we owe Bella and you all. If we can help you we will, what do you need us to do?”

“We do not know when they will be attacking, the decision has not yet been made. But given what the newborn Riley said about taking Bella’s scent, we think they are planning to come to us,” Carlisle said somberly. “According to news reports of fatalities, we can assume they are in the Seattle area. We would ordinarily want to take the fight to them, but given Bella’s situation, we think it is better to wait for them to come to us.”

“That is quite a risk, waiting for them to come here,” Sam said shrewdly. “A lot of innocent lives that could be lost while you wait.”

Carlisle felt a pang of guilt at that, but his expression remained stoic. “I am aware of that. I have no choice though, Bella needs us here. As we discussed before, with leadership comes difficult decisions, if you can see an alternative, please tell me.”

“We could go to Seattle,” one of the youngest wolves said.

“Yeah, I’m sure you’ll look real incognito running along the streets in wolf form,” Emmett said sarcastically. “You could pretend to be strays.”

I fought my laughter, the image of these horse sized wolves patrolling the city was ludicrous, they’d be on the news within the hour.

“No, Brady,” Sam said to the young wolf. “We would be far too conspicuous in the city, Carlisle is right, we must wait for them to come to us.”

“You are also far too inexperienced,” I said.

“We have fought vampires before,” Sam said, bristling.

“Not like these you haven’t,” I stated. “Newborns fight differently than mature vampires, they rely on their strength and have no finesse.”

“Jasper will be teaching us all some techniques for fighting the newborns, you are welcome to join us,” Carlisle said.

“Thank you for the offer, but I think we will manage.”

Screw this, we’d be better off getting help from our vampire friends than this lot. If they refused to accept our help they would end up hurt or killed. I had to find a way to convince them.

“Who is your best fighter?” I asked, inspiration striking.

“Ja… Jared,” Sam replied. I was pretty sure he had been about to say Jacob, the others seemed to think the same thing as their emotions changed from anticipatory excitement to sadness.

“Jared,” he said again, with more conviction now. “Why?”

“You up for a little sparring, Jared?” I asked.

He eyed me appraisingly. “Sure.”

“Not with me,” I laughed. “With Emmett.”

“Hell yeah!” Emmett said, jumping to his feet.

“Emmett is the closest thing to a newborn we have,” I said. “He can show you what I mean by their lack of style.”

“Thanks man,” Emmett said, a touch of annoyance in his tone.

“Take it as a compliment, you are wicked strong.”

He seemed mollified by my words and grinned at Jared again. “You up for a bout, pup? I promise not to hurt you… too much.”

Sam caught Jared’s eye and nodded. Exactly as I had hoped Jared stood, the challenge too good to resist. I was sure Emmett would best him, and it would show them that they did not in fact know it all. Hopefully then they’d be open to a little training, if not they were next to useless to us. Jared jogged into the trees, returning in his wolf form a moment later.

“Aim to pin only,” I said. “No biting, Emmett. Jared, try not to mess up his face. Rose will not be happy if her husband ends up looking like Chucky.” I heard a hiss of indrawn breath and looked up to see Rosalie standing at the window, surveying the scene with a look of grim amusement. I winked at her and she nodded in return, fixing me with a look that clearly said _‘he gets hurt, I’m coming for you.’_

“Just do what you do best, Em,” I called.

They both stood still for a moment, twenty yards apart in the clearing in front of the house. Each waiting for the other to make the first move.

“Come on, Jared, you can do it!” Brady called, and as if that was the signal, we all began shouting encouragement at our own fighter. The atmosphere was tense, but not hostile, in fact the emotional tenor of the group was close to that of a sporting event.

I looked up at the window, wishing Bella could be a part of this too. Rosalie was still there, but she was looking back into the room. I suspected she was thinking the same as me.

My focus was brought back to the fight by the sound of a fierce growl from Jared as he bounded forward launching himself at Emmett.

As expected, Emmett retaliated with his usual brute force approach, meeting Jared in the middle with a sound like a tenderizing mallet hitting a raw steak. Jared’s breath left him in a whoosh, and he let out a low whine.

Emmett’s arms reached around his chest, trying to get a grip on him, he fought almost exactly as a newborn would. Jared snarled, and with a clever twisting movement he managed to dislodge Emmett’s arms, and jumped back a few paces. Emmett was not disheartened though, again and again he launched himself at Jared, and each time he slipped out of his grip.

The wolves were getting a little cocky now, calling encouragement and insults in equal measure. There was no denying that Jared was a good fighter, but Emmett was better. With one final lunge he got behind Jared and forced him to the ground, one hand holding his neck, and the other his back.

With an evil grin he changed his position using one foot to pin Jared’s hindquarters to the ground, making him look like a hunter standing over his kill.

“Someone take a picture,” he called. “I’m gonna make myself a nice rug out of this pelt.”

Jared barked what sounded like a laugh and twisted again, dislodging Emmett’s foot and sending him sprawling to the ground. He moved with incredible speed for such a large beast and placing his front paws on Emmett’s shoulders, he held him to the ground. His enormous jaws disconcertingly close to Emmett’s throat.

Emmett seemed unconcerned though, he was roaring with laughter. “Someone get this pup back on his leash, or at least get him a breath mint.”

“That’s enough, Jared,” Sam said. “You can play later, right now, we need to talk.”

Jared released Emmett and bounded into the trees to change. When he came back, he held out a hand to Emmett. “That was fun, can we do it again sometime?”

“Sure,” Emmett said, shaking his hand. “Anytime you want me to kick your ass, you just need to ask.”

“Now, do you see why you need instruction?” I asked Sam. “Newborns will be stronger than Emmett, and you saw how he handled your boy.”

“You are right,” Sam agreed grudgingly. “We will need to learn. Jared, are you okay?”

Jared was rubbing his chest with a slightly pained expression. “Yeah, just a couple of cracked ribs, they are healing already.”

“Would you like me to take a look?” Carlisle asked. “We have some equipment here to help us care for Bella, I could at least tape them for you.”

“Nah I’m good, Doc, thanks though. Fast healing is part of the werewolf gig.”

I could tell from Carlisle expression he was itching to ask more about that, perhaps even experiment a little, but he seemed to realize now was not the time. 

“As we don’t have any time frame for the newborns attack, we need to prepare as much as we can now,” I said. “What is the best time for you to get here to practice?”

Sam considered for a moment. “Late night, early morning is probably best. Some of us are still in school, and others have jobs.”

“We will make the night hours our training time then,” Carlisle said. “We can hunt and spend time with Bella during the day.”

“How is she?” Jared asked.

“More or less the same,” Carlisle said. “There has been no improvement anyway.”

“But there has been decline?” Sam guessed.

“She is having rounds of tachycardia, her heart beats too fast,” he added, seeing the confused expression of some of the younger pack members.

“Can I see her?” Jared asked hopefully.

“Of course, Rosalie is with her now, but Esme will show you to her room.”

Esme led Jared into the house, and Sam cleared his throat self consciously.

“My fiance Emily was good friends with Bella before... everything. I was wondering if you would mind if she came to visit Bella sometime too?”

“She is welcome to come whenever she likes,” Carlisle said.

“What happened to the rest of Bella’s friends?” Alice asked. “Before we left she had a lot of friends at school, but we haven’t seen any of them since we returned.”

“According to Jacob, she drifted away from most of her friends after you left. There were a few that stuck around, but after the attack... you must understand that he was very upset.”

“What did Jacob do?” Emmett asked in an uncharacteristically cold voice.

“A few of her friends tried to visit at the hospital, but Jacob was overprotective. He was worried they were just there to have something to gossip about and sent them away.”

“Or perhaps he just didn’t want to share,” I suggested.

“Perhaps,” Sam admitted. “Jacob was very stressed those last few weeks.”

“Do you know who it was that tried to visit?” Alice asked.

“A boy Jacob knew called Mike Newton, and a girl called Jessica. I think they were there for the gossip, as they seemed more interested in taking photo’s on their cell phones than actually seeing her. A girl called Angela and her boyfriend also came, and they seemed genuinely concerned for her, but after the incident with the other two, Jacob was understandably short with them. After that, word seemed to spread and nobody else visited.”

“That’s easily remedied,” Alice said brightly. “I can call Angela and invite her over sometime.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” I said doubtfully. “With the wolves coming and going, not to mention our own differences, who’s to say they won’t notice something.”

“It’ll be fine, Jazz, relax, we will be training at night and they will come in the day. It’ll be nice to see some of our old friends anyway.” She spoke sincerely, but it was such a shift from the recent ‘Bella is a shell’ argument that it made me suspicious. Making a mental note to question her about it later, I returned my attention to Sam.

“Do you have time to go through some techniques now, or do you need to get back?”

“We have time,” he said with a grim smile.

We spent the next few hours training, the wolves were good. Their own style of fighting would work well against the newborns.

Carlisle was a talented fighter, but his fear of hurting his opponent hindered him. The only time I saw him close to letting go was when I paired him and Emmett together. Esme was fast, but she was still the weakest link, when it came time to fight she would be the best choice for someone to stay behind with Bella.

Alice was untouchable when fighting against one of the family, but when set against the wolves, her gift was rendered useless, and she came close to being pinned a couple of times by Jared and Seth. The lone female, Leah, actually had her pinned, jaws at her throat within a couple of minutes. When she stepped back to allow Alice to stand, I thought for a moment they were going to come to blows again. Alice was upset at being bested, and she hadn’t forgotten the girl’s cruel words the night we returned.

Paul was somewhat of a disappointment, I had seen his volatile nature before and hoped that would translate into good combat skills, but he was sloppy, almost lazy. When I questioned Sam about it, he said he had recently imprinted and it was splitting his focus.

“It was him that interrupted our last meeting,” Sam explained. “His imprint is the sister of Jacob, and as you can imagine, she was not exactly open to the news after hearing the truth of her brother’s death. Paul was distressed after their last discussion and forgot himself, hence the howling, things are going better for them now.”

“And that has turned him from a fighter to a lover?” I questioned sardonically.

“You could say that,” Sam chuckled. “I will speak to him alone, he is usually a good fighter and will be an asset to us against the newborns.”

“You better hope so, from what I’ve seen so far your pack will be turned into vampire chew toys within the first five minutes.”

This was not technically true, but I wanted Sam to be pushing them to do better all the time, and a little degradation was sometimes a good motivator.

“I will speak to them all,” Sam said seriously.

“I think we can call it a night now anyway, you look tired.”

He was unhappy at the slur, but did not argue. “We will be back tonight.”

“See you then,” I said, waving distractedly.

I was eager to get back to Bella, maybe she would be in a more talkative mood by now.I made my way back to her room and was accosted by Rosalie as soon as I walked in the door.

“Next time I want in,” she stated. “Esme can sit with Bella, you and I both know she’s not a fighter, but _I_ am. You need me.”

She wasn’t wrong, Esme was never going to be the warrior we needed, and Rosalie was already halfway there.

“If we stay close to the house we will be able to keep an eye on them both, we can make sure she doesn’t upset Bella,” she continued, as if expecting an argument.

“I agree, Rose,” I said simply. “We can speak to the others about it later, but you’re right, you are the better fighter.”

“Oh, well… good,” she said wrong footed. “Is she awake?”

“Yeah, you’re awake aren’t you, Bella? Feel like talking yet?” My tone was light and relaxed, though I was feeling anything but.

There was no response.

I pulled up a chair beside her and picked up the book Rosalie had been reading to her when I came in.

Bella lay silent and unresponsive, and though I did not know it at the time, this was going to become a nightly tradition for the pair of us.

Me reading and becoming ever more desperate, as she slipped deeper and deeper into her depression.


	26. Let It Be

**Jasper POV**

_3 days, 19 hours and 19 minutes of silence._

“C’mon Bella, at least give me yes/no answers. Do you want to me to read, or shall I just put some music on?” My tone was close to pleading, and yet there was still no response.

Almost four days had passed since she learned of her mother’s death and there was no improvement, if anything there was a decline. Her emotions were becoming darker, and the periods she spent in the calm void were becoming more and more prolonged.

Her physical health was declining too. I’d assumed that the episodes of tachycardia were linked to the strain it took to send her emotions, but she was still having them while not communicating. Carlisle was worried, I could feel it, but he didn’t talk about it. Everyone’s hopes were pinned on the change, and for that, her heart needed to be strong enough to survive the venom. 

I gave up trying to get her to talk, and put the stereo on instead. I dropped into a chair and raked my fingers through my hair in frustration.

“Jasper, Sam called, the wolves are on their way, and he’s bringing Emily this time,” Alice said from the door.

“Okay,” I said dully.

She came behind me and snaked her arms around my shoulders. “You want to hunt before they get here?” she asked pressing a kiss to my cheek.

“No, I’ll go later,” I said leaning my head back onto her arm. “How are you?”

“Worried.”

“There’s nothing to worry about, the wolves are learning fast and we will be prepa-”

“I’m not worried about _that_ ,” she interrupted. “I am worried about _you_. All you’ve done since we got home is train, and talk to Bella. You need to take care of yourself.”

I turned to look at her and saw her furrowed brow and sad eyes. In my preoccupation with Bella and the wolves, I had failed to notice how Alice was also struggling.

“I’m sorry, darlin’. I’ve been worried about Bella is all, after the wolves leave we will go hunt together, okay?”

“Promise?”

“I promise,” I said, taking her hand in mine and pressing a kiss to her palm.

“We will be having more visitors tomorrow too,” she said lightly.

“Who?” I knew she had been in contact with a few of Bella’s old friends from school, but I didn’t know she’d invited them over.

“Angela Weber and a few others.”

“Alice, I don’t know if that’s such a good idea. Bella is not well, she won’t want people coming to look at her like a circus exhibit.” If Bella was aware when they visited, it would be a lot of stress for her to handle.

“It will be fine, trust me.” _Like you trust me?_ I thought bitterly, then immediately felt guilty.

“Why are you doing this, Alice?” I asked before I could stop myself. “Why are you inviting the humans over?”

Her smile dropped. “I thought you’d be pleased,” she said in a small voice.

“Pleased? Why would I be pleased that you invited a group of hormonal teens to the house?” I asked incredulously.

“Because I am trying to treat Bella as if she was still here. If she was in bed with the flu or something, she’d want to see her friends, right? I figured that was what you and Rose are doing, with the reading and talking.”

 _Oh my sweet, silly Alice._ I pulled her into my arms and kissed her firmly.

“I love you,” I said sincerely.

“I love you too. Does that mean you aren’t angry that the teens of Forks will be descending on us?”

“I was never angry. I still don’t think it’s the best decision, but we’ll see how it goes,” I said smiling at her. “But if you want to treat Bella as if she is here, you might try talking to her.”

She dropped her gaze, and her emotions changed from happiness to shame.

“Hey, none of that.” I lifted her chin so she was looking up at me. “I understand why you avoid her, I think even she understands it, but please try, Alice. She needs her best friend right now.” 

She nodded solemnly, then her face screwed up into an expression of distaste.

“The wolves are here.”

“Well let’s go teach them a lesson in respect shall we?”

She grinned, and we jumped from the balcony, landing directly in front of the wolves.

“Hi guys,” she said brightly.

Another night of training had begun.

\- xXx -

_4 days, 11 hours and 48 minutes._

“Is murder always a crime?” Rosalie asked in a low hiss.

“Ordinarily I would say yes, but I may make an exception for that Jessica girl,” Esme answered.

It was visitor day, and it was not going well.

My anxiety for the stress of visitors had been appeased somewhat after Emily’s visit the night before. She was a sweet girl and had sat chatting with Bella and Esme while we trained, both of them avoiding upsetting topics, which was a moot point anyway as Bella remained unaware the whole time. Today we were not so lucky.

They had arrived half an hour ago, bringing with them a chaos of emotions, and the scent of an aftershave so overpowering Alice suggested we douse the wolves in it next time they came.

“Though I’m not sure if I prefer the scent of wet dog over what he’s wearing,” she said thoughtfully.

The emotions were almost as bad as the smell, though admittedly I was the only one that had to suffer through them.

Angela Weber had come, bringing with her Mike Newton and Jessica Stanley. Angela was the only one that seemed remotely concerned about Bella, I suspected the other two had merely come along so they could get a glimpse of the mysterious Cullen house. A suspicion enforced by Jessica’s first words of; “Holy crap, this place is huge; you think they’ve got a pool?”

Alice had greeted them at the door with a bright smile, and introduced them to Carlisle and Esme who they hadn’t met before. The rest of us had been the object of their scrutiny for two years at Forks High.

Things had only got worse when they had gone into Bella’s room. Angela had burst into tears, and Jessica had cooed enviously over how thin Bella was.

Alice had comforted Angela while explaining patiently that Bella’s weight loss was not actually a good thing, she was losing weight as a result of the coma.

“I know, but still,” Jessica enthused. “Every cloud has a silver rainbow… or is it lining? Something like that anyway.”

That was too much for Emmett, he bellowed gales of laughter from the lounge that even the human could not ignore. Alice explained hurriedly that Emmett was watching TV, and his laughter had absolutely nothing to do with Jessica. “He wouldn’t even have heard you from down there,” she said reassuringly.

“Bullshit,” Emmett said with another laugh. “I can hear the cogs turning in the bobble head from here, she’s wondering how she can have a go at the ‘coma diet’!”

I swallowed my laugh and attempted to look engrossed in the book I was reading. I wished Bella was awake to hear that particular pearl of stupidity, she would have gotten a real kick out of it.

As if she had heard my thoughts, I felt her emotions switch to the deep sadness that was the only clue to her alertness these days. I thought there would be a spark of surprise when she heard the voices of her old friends in the room, but her emotions never changed, and after a few minutes she slipped back to the calm void.

The instances of awareness were becoming few and far between compared to how she had been before. She had said she was learning control and now it seemed she was mastering it, but instead of using the control to fight the darkness, she was using it to keep herself there. If the situation had been different, I would have suggested an antidepressant, but how do you persuade the doctor that the ‘brain dead’ patient was depressed? Even if the patient was his daughter.

Angela and Alice chatted for a while about school and their mutual friends, while Jessica surveyed the room like an auctioneer appraising an antique, and Mike surveyed Jessica’s breasts.

“So, when is she going to wake up?” Jessica asked, then lowered her voice. “Or will you have to pull the plug.”

Emmett let out a harsh growl, and Rosalie hissed. I had to close my eyes and concentrate on Bella’s heartbeat and Alice’s scent, to stop from launching myself at the foolish girl and snap her neck.

“I’m afraid you will have to leave now,” Carlisle said, appearing in the room so fast he made the humans jump. “I have to tend to Bella, and we need to clear the room.”

He herded them out of the room and Alice saw them to the front door, telling Angela she was welcome to visit any time, but not extending the same invite to the other two. 

\- xXx -

_6 days, 1 hour and 28 minutes._

“CARLISLE!” I bellowed, panic stricken.

He shot into the room, going straight to the monitor beside the bed that was beeping frantically.

“Shouldn’t the machine be shocking her?” Emmett asked, running into the room followed immediately by Rosalie, Esme and Alice.

“Give her a moment,” Carlisle said.

“A moment for what? You think she can magically stop her own tachycardia?” Rosalie said scathingly.

“Jasper, calm down,” Carlisle ordered. “You are projecting, and that is not helping Bella.”

A fierce growl ripped through my throat, if he would just do something I would calm down.

Another fifteen seconds passed.

“Carlisle,” Esme began, cautiously.

“I know.” He reached for the controls of the defibrillator that remained connected to Bella at all times.

Alice gripped my hand, her emotions terrified. 

“Clear.”

The sound of the jolt passing through her body made me flinch as her back arched then thumped back down on the bed.

_Thud… thud… thud…_

“Normal rhythm. She’s okay,” Carlisle said, then began his usual examination.

“Jasper, come outside for a moment,” Alice said tugging my arm. I followed, but my thoughts remained with Bella.

She had been aware the entire time and had not felt a second of fear. Only disappointment when Carlisle said she was okay. 

\- xXx -

_11 days, 5 hours and 11 minutes._

“I think she’s given up, Rose,” I said.

We were at the border of the property, sitting at the edge of the river tossing stones in. Esme and Alice were giving Bella a bed bath so I had been ordered from the room. Our vow that Bella was not to be left alone with any of the family but us had been relaxed somewhat now. They were all careful about what they said around her, and we always remained within hearing distance.

“Has there been any change in her emotions at all?”

“No, she is hardly ever aware now, and when she is, she feels nothing but the depression.”

We sat in silence for a while, Rosalie was clearly doing some serious thinking as her emotions were vacillating between indecision to certainty and back. 

“Maybe we should–”

“No,” I said firmly. I knew what she was going to say, and didn’t want to hear it. I was not giving up on her, not now, not ever.

“Alice, what is it? What do you see?” Esme’s concerned voice asked.

We both shot to our feet and raced to Bella’s room.

Alice was standing beside Bella’s bed, a towel in her slack hand, her expression blank.

“Nothing important, just that we need to sell off some stock,” she said when the vision ended. 

Her expression was open and innocent, but her emotions showed different. Alice was lying. Whatever she had seen it was something that shocked her, yet apparently she had no intentions of sharing it.

\- xXx -

_13 days, 3 hours and 46 minutes_

The wolves were taking a night off of training, and Carlisle had called a family meeting. I was not eager to join them as I had a feeling I knew what the topic of discussion would be, and discussing Bella’s change was not high on my list of favorite things to do.

Instead, I sat at her side attempting to jolt her out of the void with random shots of emotions. The idea had come to me after Alice’s vision, I worried that she had seen something about Bella’s change, and I was becoming desperate. She had another round of tachycardia in the night, and once again had needed to be shocked back into rhythm.

My certainty that I could persuade her to accept the change was taking a serious knock since she had stopped responding. As much as I wanted her to be changed and come back to us, if she was going to be as unhappy as a vampire as she was now it would be cruel to force it on her.

If I could just get her to talk to me, to be sure of what she wanted I would stop them, by whatever means necessary.

“Jasper, would you mind joining us for a moment?” Carlisle called from the dining room, the unofficial Cullen family meeting room.

 _Yes, I would mind immensely._ I thought, but got to my feet and trudged to the dining room regardless. Taking my seat beside Alice, she rested her head on my shoulder, and I slipped an arm around her.

“I am sure you know why I have gathered you all,” Carlisle began. “Bella is not doing well.”

“Understatement of the century,” Emmett said. “We all know it is a slight more serious than that.”

Esme looked stricken, but this was not the time for subtlety.

“Why don’t we just change her now?” he continued.

“I have considered that, but at present her condition is still too unstable. I want to run some tests and see if I can discover what is causing her heart to run so fast. If we can stop the tachycardia, I will be happy to move ahead. We also have the problem of Victoria to consider.”

“I haven’t seen anything new,” Alice said. “She is careful with her decisions, the last time I saw anything, the newborns totaled about twenty, but that could have changed since.”

The number could have more than doubled since then, especially if she had another mature vampire helping her. It seemed Riley had been her lieutenant, as he had been the one to come to Bella’s house, but there was no telling if she had found another to replace him. It was also possible that the number had gone down, newborns were volatile and didn’t do well in large groups.

“What about the wolves, Jasper?” Carlisle asked. “Are they going to be ready to fight?”

I considered carefully before answering. “They are good, if the number of newborns stays around twenty, I am pretty sure we will be able to handle them without too much trouble, if there are many more though, we will need reinforcements.”

“Are you thinking of the Denalis?” he asked.

“They would be the best choice. To gather other friends we would have to travel, and that would leave us vulnerable here,” I said.

“If we involve them we will have to tell them about Bella though,” Esme fretted. “They will be culpable if the Volturi discover we have exposed the secret.”

A heavy silence followed this, none of us wanted to put our extended family at risk, but if we had no other choice we would. Bella was worth it.

“We will decide what to do when we know what we are up against,” Carlisle said eventually.

“Have you seen anything of Edward,” Esme asked Alice tentatively.

We had all avoided mentioning Edward for so long that hearing his name sent a shock wave of emotion around the room.

“Nothing concrete,” Alice said carefully. Her emotions were cautious, she wasn’t lying exactly, but she was certainly omitting something.

“Well if you see anything solid ple–”

Carlisle words were cut off by the sound of a racing heart and the high pitched alarm of Bell’s monitor.

_Not again!_

**Rosalie POV**

_18 days, 14 hours and 10 minutes_

“Go hunt now,” I demanded.

“I’ll go later, I’m alright for a bit longer,” Jasper replied, not taking his eyes from Bella. “She’s here at the moment, I don’t want to waste the chance.”

This was getting ridiculous, he had barely left Bella’s side since our meeting, and it was really starting to affect him.

The rounds of tachycardia were becoming more frequent, averaging one a day at least. Sometimes we were forced to shock her back into rhythm, other times it resolved alone. I had a suspicion about the reason for these episodes and needed privacy with Bella to at least raise the issue.

“If she is aware you can give me some time to talk to her alone,” I said firmly. “You have barely given us a moment to ourselves since the first night, and I want to talk to her.”

“About?”

“Girl stuff.”

“I really doubt Bella wants to talk about the benefits of waxing versus shaving right now,” he said sarcastically.

“Hahaha, you’re so funny. Go hunt with Alice and Emmett, Bella will still be here when you get back.”

He eyed me shrewdly. “What are you plotting, Rose?”

“Nothing that concerns you, now go before I get Emmett to carry you out.”

“Fine,” he huffed. “Whatever it is, don’t go upsetting her.”

Like that was even possible these days, Bella was so deep in her depression I doubted she would even process what I was going to say, but I had to try.

He plodded from the room, each heavy footfall a reminder of just how much this was affecting him.

I waited until I’d seen him land on the other side of the river and disappear into the trees, then sat beside Bella and took her hand.

“We need to talk,” I began, hoping she was still aware to hear what I had to say.

Carlisle and Esme were occupied in their room, and with the others hunting, I had a rare opportunity to say what needed to be said.

“I am so sorry for everything that has happened to you, Bella. I know I am probably the last person you want talking to you now, especially after the way I treated you before we left. I am not going to apologize, I would be a hypocrite if I did. I acted the way I did because I thought you were a liability, a risk to our family, and you were. What I failed to consider was the bravery it took for you to accept us all so readily, and the risk we posed to you.”

I paused for a moment, trying to gather my thoughts enough to articulate what I needed to say next.

“Things have changed now, Bella, I love you as a sister and I need you to stop what you are doing. It’s not working, all it’s doing is hurting you.”

I took a deep breath.

“Bella, you have to stop fighting to die and start fighting to live instead.” 


	27. Do You Want To Know A Secret

**Bella POV**

_“Bella, you have to stop fighting to die and start fighting to live instead.”_

Her words broke through the haze, startling me as if I had been doused in cold water.

_How could she know?_

“I won’t pretend to understand how it feels to be you at the moment, but I do know something about suffering and how it feels to be powerless,” she said.

“The story of how I came to be changed is not a happy one and I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice to say it was similar to what happened to you. I too was hurt by someone I trusted, and the things he did left me with a passion to never feel powerless again. I think that is what you are doing now, you have lost so much and you have barely any control over your own life, but trying to kill yourself is not the right thing to do.”

_So you say, but what do you know of it._

“I considered it too you know. After I awoke as a vampire and Carlisle explained what I had become, I was filled with a desire for revenge on those that had hurt me, so intense it blocked out everything else. Once I had taken my revenge on them I had time to consider my new life. I didn’t want it,” she said it openly, no hint of shame.

“I knew from Carlisle’s story that it would not be easy, but I was determined. I thought if I could get away from the family I would be able to find another vampire, and I could either persuade them to help, or attack them and force them to destroy me.”

 _Then you should understand how I feel._ I thought. If only Rosalie was the empath, I could communicate my need with her and she could help me.

“My plans were made and I was merely looking for an opportunity to make my move,” she continued. “What I didn’t take into account was Edward. He heard my thoughts and knew what I was planning, he waited, hoping I would change my mind, but when it became clear that I was becoming more determined, not less, he approached me.”

I imagined his strained expression, his voice as he pleaded with her to change her mind. It was so easy to see, I’d had seen it the day he left me. He had lost the indifferent mask only once during that soul crushing conversation as he implored me to stay safe, for Charlie. I had screwed that up, another broken promise, another failure to lay at my feet.

“At first I was angry, furious in fact. You never had to deal with the difficulties of living with a mind reader, but it takes some getting used to. He did his best to give us privacy, but it wasn’t always possible.“

_Poor Edward, never having peace in his own mind. I was the only person who had ever been able to give him that. It wasn’t enough though._

“So he heard my thoughts and knew my plans.” Her tone was a little resentful now. I knew the feeling, she knew what I was doing and I felt the same resentfulness towards her.

“He invited me to hunt with him, and when we were alone he told me what he knew, and then he begged. It was the a last thing I was expecting, he made no secret of his distaste for me, but when he spoke he was so impassioned. He asked me to consider what it would to Esme and Carlisle if I was successful, how the guilt would destroy Carlisle, how Esme would grieve the loss of another child. How he would face them, knowing he could have stopped me.”

She paused for a long moment and I wondered if she was finished.

“So you see, I understand your desire, but I also understand how Edward felt that day, because now I am in his position and I am going to beg you to wait too.”

_Wait? What was the point? Things weren’t going to get any better for me._

“I am going to offer you the same deal Edward offered me. He asked me to wait just two years, if I still felt the same he would destroy me himself and face the consequences. I agreed and I bided my time. The two years were almost up when I was hunting alone one day and found a man being attacked by a bear. As you know I saved him, brought him home, and Carlisle changed him. He changed my Emmett.”

Her voice was now blissful, and I could imagine the expression of happiness on her perfect face.

“If I had not waited I would never have found him, and would never have known the happiness I now have with him as my mate.”

_That was fine for her, but I’d had my happiness, I found my soul mate, but he didn’t feel the same._

“Now I am going to tell you the same thing Edward told me. Imagine how Carlisle and Esme would feel if you died, how the guilt would eat at Carlisle for abiding by Edward’s wishes and leaving you, how Esme would lose a daughter. Alice would be lost without you, you’re her best friend, Emmett’s little sister, _my_ sister and Jasper… think what it would do to him. He is already frantic with worry, if you died it would change him forever.”

There was one name she didn’t mention and I knew why. If I died Edward would feel guilty, he was the eternal martyr after all, but outside of that there would be no consequence for him. I would be gone and he would be free.

“If you won’t do it for us, do it for your parents. Imagine how Charlie would feel if he knew you had given up, when his life was stolen from him so cruelly. There has been so much loss already, Bella, would you really add to it?” her voice broke.

I had no words even if I was able to speak. She really _did_ care, this was not just concern for the family, this was concern for me. I felt a tear trickle into my hair, and her cool finger tracing it’s path.

“I will make you a deal,” she said, now knowing I was here and listening. “I don’t know exactly how you are doing it, but I am sure these rounds of tachycardia are your attempts to destroy yourself. The family is planning to change you, you know this. If you stop whatever it is you are doing, I will stop them changing you, if after another six months you still want to go, I will help you. I will either persuade them to let you go or I will do it myself. Do we have a deal?”

I couldn’t speak and Jasper wasn’t here to tell her, how was I supposed to agree?

“If you are controlling the tachycardia, I need you to use that to show me, only for a moment and as gently as you can, your poor heart is under enough strain already,” she instructed. “But if you agree please show me.”

I focused on the weight on my mind, I had discovered if I pushed against it hard enough it affected my heart. As Rosalie suspected, I had been trying to use this for my own benefit. I thought if I could do it enough, eventually my heart would fail and I would be freed. Now I used it to communicate my agreement.

Pushing against it, I gradually increased the force until I felt the familiar feeling of detachment that always came as my heart raced.

I heard Rosalie sigh with relief as she squeezed my hand. “Thank you, Bella, thank you so much. I swear you won’t regret it.”

I didn’t have the same certainty.

**Alice POV**

I sat at Bella’s side, surveying the broken girl that was once my best friend. She was still my best friend, I loved her the same way I had then, but she was not the same person. The Bella I had known was full of life and vitality, this was just a shell. 

I wished I had Jasper’s conviction that she was still there, that she could still hear us, but I knew better. Our Bella was gone for now, but we _would_ get her back.

Our hunting trip had been cut short yesterday when I had a vision of Rosalie with Bella when she had another episode of tachycardia. It was a brief one this time and had resolved itself before we got back, but Jasper had refused to leave her again, so this morning Carlisle and Esme had press-ganged him into going again. Emmett and I were fairly sated so we offered to stay home while the others went. I checked Jasper’s future and saw him taking down a bear as Carlisle stood back watching approvingly. Satisfied he was going to hunt enough I returned my attention to Bella and the book I was supposed to be reading to her.

Emmett slipped into the room, his usually cheerful face, solemn and concerned.

“She okay?” he asked.

“Same as usual, no change.”

“No more of those tacky things?”

“Tachycardia,” I said smiling slightly. “And no, she has been slow and steady all day.”

“That’s good, right?” he asked, confused by my sad tone.

“It is,” I sighed. “I just wish there was more. I feel like we’re just kicking our heels, waiting for someone to make the decision. Her heart doesn’t seem to be getting any stronger, and I worry that it is only going to get worse. None us are ready to do it though, and I don’t think we will be until _he_ is here.”

“Well what can we do about that?” he asked, his frustration clear. “It’s not like we haven’t tried. For crap’s sake, Alice, you’ve been searching his future so much you’re starting to look odd with an actual expression.”

I laughed mirthlessly. “It’s not only me though, Em, it’s Jasper I’m worried about. He is pushing himself all night training the wolves, and spending all day with her, when you and I both know she’s not there anymore. Something has to give eventually.”

“Until we have an idea of where to look we can’t go get him can we? And you haven’t seen anything... have you?” He appraised me with a suspicious look. “Do you know something, Alice?”

I hadn’t shared this with any of the family before, as it had been so brief and I wasn’t sure of what had seen, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

“I may have seen something...” I said cautiously.

“Dammit, Alice! Why didn’t you say something?”

“Because I wasn’t sure,” I said defensively. “I didn’t want to send someone off on a wild goose chase, especially when we need every available fighter here.”

“Well come on then, what did you see?” he asked, fixing me with an uncharacteristically stern look.

“A few days ago I had a brief vision of Edward. He looked awful, like he hadn’t hunted in months. He was in a dank room, just sitting on the floor.”

“Never mind that,” Emmett said impatiently. “Where was he?”

“Brazil, I think. I saw a shape outside the window that I think was the _Cristo Redentor_ statue.”

“Brazil,” he said, “that makes sense. We were there a few years ago, remember? And he said it was the perfect place to get lost, all those people.”

“I know, that’s what I thought.”

“So, if we can just get there, we might have a chance of finding him. How are we going to sneak up him though? He’s a mind reader after all, he hears one of us coming and he’ll high tail it out of there.”

“I don’t think he would, not if we were clever with our thoughts.”

He looked at me blankly. I had been working on a plan since I had the vision, and this was the best I could come up with.

“If we made sure to think about Bella when we were close, think of all that we have seen, all that has happened to her. I think that would be enough to freeze him long enough for us to catch up.”

“That’s...” he trailed off, unable to find the right word.

“Cruel?” I suggested, and he nodded.

“It is, but if it means we can get him back, surely it’s worth it?”

“No arguments from me, in truth I am aiming to lay a bit of hurt on him for what he has done. How do we work this though? The others aren’t going to be pleased about one of us popping off for a quick vacation with the threat of Victoria to deal with.”

“We don’t tell them,” I said. “It will have to be you that goes, as I need to be here to keep an eye on Victoria’s decisions, you tell them you’re going for a hunt and instead you hop a flight to Rio.”

“Simple as that?” he laughed. “You may have forgotten, but my wife is a walking lie detector; Emmett McCarty edition, and your husband is an empath. We will never get this past them.”

“We have to! If you concentrate on whatever foul deeds you and Rose get up to when we’re not around, Jasper will be so annoyed by the lust he’ll avoid you like the plague. As for Rosalie...” I considered for a moment, then inspiration stuck. “I’ll tell her you are planning something for one of your wedding anniversaries.”

“You are an evil mastermind, you know that right?” he said with a grin.

“Yep, I’m all kinds of special. I just hope it works.”

“Me too,” he said seriously. “We are running out of time.”

**Bella POV**

I came out of the darkness with a jolt. I had developed enough control to keep it at bay when I wanted, and to be able to sink into it when I needed a break, but I couldn’t hold myself in it. I was often dragged into awareness whether I wanted it or not. 

When I made my deal with Rosalie I was banking on the darkness to make the time pass faster, but that was before I realized I had no concept of time anymore. I could be stuck here for years and she could swear blind it had only been weeks, and I wouldn’t know any different.

I began to slip back into the darkness when I heard Emmett and Alice’s voices. I stopped and listened, horror descending on me. I knew who they meant by ‘ _he’_ , and as I listened to their plans I realized if there was ever a time to break my silence it was now.

I would not allow them to drag him home out of a sense of misplaced responsibility or guilt.

Forcing the darkness away I concentrated on my anger and pain, and began to send it out in short bursts.

_Jasper, I need you._


	28. Watching Rainbows

**Jasper POV**

I was walking back to the house with the others, running over the previous night's training session in my mind. The wolves were learning fast, Leah in particular was a fearsome fighter. I was considering pairing her with Rosalie in the actual fight, they would make a good team. When I felt it.

_Jasper, I need you, please, I need you._

Bella!

I ran to the house at my full speed. Not bothering with the door I leapt to the balcony outside her room and dashed through the doors.

Emmett and Alice were standing together at the other side of the room, both exuding huge levels of guilt, but I didn't pay them any attention. Bella was finally talking.

"I'm here, darlin'," I said breathlessly. The run had had no effect on my breathing; it was sheer excitement that made me gasp. I took her hand in my own and squeezed it gently. "I'm here. Calm yourself down and tell me what's wrong."

It came in a series of bursts, some letters missing in her haste to talk, but I understood anyway.

_Alice. Emmett. Go Rio. Find Edward. Force home. No. Not right. No! No! No!_

The last word was repeated with increasing desperation.

"Okay," I soothed. "I understand. You calm down now."

' _So sorry.'_

"I know, darlin', me too. We'll talk about this later, you rest awhile."

' _Okay.'_

I turned my attention to Alice and Emmett who were looking at me with expressions of complete bemusement.

"What's this about Rio then?" I asked. "You two been holding out on the rest of us?"

Emmett gaped like a fish, looking from me to Alice and completely leaving Bella out of the equation. "How did you know? Did you hear us?"

"No, but Bella did."

"How?" Alice said incredulously.

"How do you think?" I said, annoyed now.

I could hear the sounds of the others approaching the house and decided to wait for them to complete my explanation. It was about time they all understood.

Rosalie was first into the room; she looked from me to Bella excitedly. "Is she?"

"Yep," I said, with a wide grin.

"Oh, Bella." She fell into the chair beside Bella and took her hand. "We've missed you."

' _Hi, Rose.'_

"She says hi," I informed her. Rosalie's answering smile was dazzling.

Carlisle and Esme came into the room next; both looking concerned. Carlisle went straight to the monitor beside Bella and checked the readout.

"Jasper, what happened?" Esme asked. "Why did you run away like that?"

"I'll explain in a moment," I said, then turned to Alice. "How long ago did you finish your conversation about Rio and Edward?"

"Edward! Rio! What?" Esme began, but I waved her into silence.

"Alice?" I prodded.

"A least half an hour ago," she said.

"Carlisle, how long ago did I leave you?"

"No more than five minutes," he said.

Alice mouthed soundlessly, too shocked to form words.

"You… She… Huh?" Emmett gasped. "I don't understand."

"You will. First of all what's this about Rio?"

Alice fidgeted uncomfortably. "I saw something in a vision that made me think Edward is in Rio."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Carlisle asked, his voice steeped in disappointment. "I asked you, and you said you hadn't seen anything. Why did you lie?"

"I didn't lie," she said, shocked to the core by Carlisle's reaction. She had never been on the receiving end of his disappointment before. "I only saw it yesterday and I didn't know what to do, it was only a quick glimpse of him. Emmett and I were talking, and it just slipped out."

"That doesn't explain why you didn't tell us what you had seen," Esme said.

"I'm sorry," Alice said sincerely. "I know you are worried about him, but if you knew, you would have wanted to go and find him. And with Victoria to deal with I didn't think it good for us to be separated."

"We would have discussed it as a family," Carlisle said.

I had another question, as it seemed, did Rosalie. "What were you and Emmett planning then?" she asked.

"Emmett was going to go and try to find him."

' _No! No! No! No!'_ Bella sent rapidly.

"It's okay, darlin', nobody is going anywhere," I reassured her.

Rosalie, sitting at her other side, squeezed her hand. "Relax, we won't do anything you don't want to. I promise."

Bella's emotions showed her relief.

Esme was watching us sympathetically; clearly she thought we were in the grips of our delusion. Carlisle on the other hand seemed to be catching on, his emotions spiraled between shock and uncertainty. He suspected the truth, but was unable to accept it.

"How did you know what they were planning?" he asked gently. "You couldn't have heard them from the distance we were at, and they said they discussed it long before we got back."

I opened my mouth to speak, but Bella began sending, and I found myself repeating her words instead of the explanation I was trying to articulate.

' _But never, in the nearly four hundred years since I was born, have I ever seen anything to make me doubt whether God exists in some form or…'_

She broke off. I expected her to slip into the void, she must be exhausted, but she continued.

'… _the other. Not even the reflection in the mirror.'_

Carlisle's mouth dropped open; his was expression slack as his emotions cycled between shock and tremendous guilt.

"You can't know that," he said, finally mastering himself. "You weren't there, nobody else was there."

"Carlisle, what are you talking about? What's happened?" Esme asked, caressing his face gently.

"Bella's birthday… when I was stitching her arm. We were talking…"

"And that is what you told her," I finished for him. He nodded mutely.

"How could you have known that?" Esme said. "You were hunting with the others; even I didn't hear him say that."

"I didn't hear it," I said with a broad grin. "Bella did. And she just told me."

' _Now do you believe?'_ she asked and I repeated her words.

Carlisle let out a broken sob, pressing her hand to his face and rocking gently.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" he chanted.

' _I know.'_

I gripped his shoulder. "That's what she's feeling," I explained, letting him feel her happiness. His rocking increased, and as he sobbed, inarticulate words broke through. "I didn't… sorry… oh god… please forgive…"

I nodded to Rosalie, and she came behind him and together we led him to a chair away from Bella. I was concerned that he may lose grip on his emotions again and Bella may be unintentionally hurt. I need not have worried though, once he was away from her he drew in a deep breath, never taking his eyes from Bella, he said, "Please explain."

' _Esme?'_

"She's coming," I took Esme's hand and placed it in Bella's. "Talk to her," I instructed.

"Bella?" she said uncertainly, and again Bella's emotions became blissful. I held Esme's hand and again allowed the feeling to flow through me, this time into Esme.

"Oh, sweetheart." She seemed unable to say more, she just looked at Bella with an expression that was almost worshipful. It was an expression I had seen before, but I couldn't place it.

"Bella is aware," I said, beginning the long overdue explanation. "She has been intermittently aware this whole time. After I felt her the first time we developed a way of communicating through her emotions, now she is able to send her emotions well enough for us to use Morse code."

"You mean she's talking to you now?" Emmett asked, his expression gleeful. "Bella can you hear me?" He almost bellowed the last; his excitement lent his voice volume.

' _Yes. I'm in a coma, not deaf.'_

Her mirth affected me and I burst into hysterics. "She said yes," I said once my laughter had diminished to low chuckles.

' _Liar.'_

"My apologies," I said, then addressed Emmett. "She said: Yes. I'm in a coma, not deaf."

Emmett roared with laughter. "Oh, Bella, I've missed you so much."

' _Me too.'_

Emmett gripped my other hand, feeling her emotions for himself. "This is so cool!" he announced.

' _Alice?'_ Bella asked.

I looked across the room. Alice was standing beside Carlisle her hand on his shoulder, I gestured her over, but she didn't move. "Alice, what's wrong?" I asked.

Emmett felt Bella's disappointment and turned to glare at Alice. "Come on!" he mouthed. She shook her head frantically.

' _Doesn't matter_ ,' Bella sent though her sadness.

"Oh yes it does," I said firmly.

"What does?" Emmett questioned. "Man I've got to learn Morse code."

"I'll be right back," Rosalie said, then she stood; gripping Alice's arm she dragged her out onto the balcony. "What the hell is wrong with you," she demanded.

"I can't!" Alice said. They were both careful to keep their voice too low for Bella to hear, but the rest of us heard every word.

"Can't what? Can't admit you were wrong? Can't get over yourself long enough to go to your so-called best friend and give her comfort? Or do you still think we're lying?"

"Of course I believe you," Alice wailed, this time loud enough for Bella to hear; I felt her jolt of shock. "But how can I go to her after all the things I've said? All the things I've done?"

"You suck it up and get over it," Rosalie said harshly. "You go in there and talk to your best friend; or you go hide in the woods. Your choice, but just know, if you hide, Bella will not be so forgiving. You may have missed it while you were refusing to believe the truth, but Bella has changed; She's not the same girl we left behind."

' _Tired now.'_ She seemed tired, the words came slowly, sluggishly, but I suspected it was more than that. She didn't want to face Alice's rejection and was using the darkness to escape further hurt.

"Okay, darlin', you have a rest. I will be here when you wake. I promise."

Like the flicking of a switch her emotions disappeared, leaving the calm void.

"What the hell was that? What's wrong with her?" Emmett asked frantically.

Carlisle jumped to his feet and dashed to my side, gripping my arm. "Why can't I feel her?" he asked.

"She's just resting," I explained. I remembered my own fear when I had first felt her emotions flick off; it was unnerving.

"What do you mean _resting?"_ Emmett said."She's in a coma for fuck's sake, it doesn't get more restful than that!"

I laughed. "It tires her out to send her emotions like that; she has to rest a while, and that means going into the darkness."

"The darkness?" Esme questioned. "That doesn't sound pleasant."

"I don't understand it all that well myself," I explained. "I think she was moving in and out of the void ever since the attack but I didn't realize it. The first time I felt her she was frustrated, but it was very subtle, when she really pushed the emotions it put strain on her heart."

"Is that what caused the tachycardia?" Carlisle asked. "Has she been pushing the emotions again?"

"No," I said regretfully, I knew what I had to say next would increase their feelings of guilt, but it had to be said. "She hasn't spoken at all since she heard about Renee's death. She has been aware for short periods of time, but was not speaking."

Esme looked horrified. "This is our fault, if we had just believed you…"

"It is done now," I said. "She is talking again, and that is good. I think she may have developed some control over the darkness, as she was unaware for increasingly long periods of time. I think she used it to escape."

"If that is not what caused the problems with her heart, what did?" Emmett asked.

I had no idea, but Rosalie seemed to know something; her emotions were guarded as she stepped back in the room, trailed by a repentant Alice.

"I don't think there will be anymore problems with her heart," she said. "You'll still want to run your tests, Carlisle, but I doubt there will be any more tachycardia."

"What do you know, Rose?" I asked.

"Nothing I want to share," she said firmly. When I opened my mouth to speak she cut me off. "Just trust me please, all of you."

How could I refuse her when she had been the only to believe in me when I said Bella was still there? Despite that I wanted to know. I _needed_ to know.

"Please, Jasper," she implored.

"If it becomes relevant you will tell us?" I asked.

She nodded, looking relieved. "I promise."

Carlisle looked at her searchingly for a moment then nodded too. "Now we need to discuss your vision, Alice, and what we are going to do about it."

We all settled into chairs and in Esme's case the edge of Bella's bed. She still held her hand, looking down at her with that same unknown expression.

"As I said, I think he's in Rio. If we could get close enough for him to read our thoughts," she exchanged a look with Emmett, "I think we will be able to bring him home."

"That's wonderful," Esme said, still not taking her eyes from Bella. "Who will go? I suppose I am the obvious choice, we all know I am not any good here as a fighter. This is something I can do that will really help."

Discussions for and against Esme being the one to go ensued, and I held my silence for a moment to allow them to get it out of their system.

"Nobody is going to Rio," I said finally. "Bella doesn't want him here. That was what made her break her silence today. Her panic was so intense that I felt it all the way out in the woods."

"But surely once she talks to him–" Esme began, but I cut her off.

"No. She doesn't want him here, and we are going to respect that. She has zero control over her own life at the moment; she can't even control her own damn breathing. Everything is taken from her control, and this is the one request she has made of us. We _will_ honor it."

There was a short silence as they digested my words, the rhythmic beeping of the monitor and the mechanical hiss ventilator, serving to punctuate my words.

"I agree," Carlisle said eventually, his expression solemn. "We will respect her wishes, but I would like to speak to her with your assistance, Jasper, when she is aware again."

"As long as she doesn't mind, that's fine with me," I said, then smiled. "She'll probably be pleased to have someone else to talk to for a change; I bet she's tired of hearing Rosalie and I speak."

There was a burst of laughter that broke the tense atmosphere. The relief in everyone apparent. Alice suddenly gasped, drawing all eyes to her.

"The wolves, I forgot about them, I think they are on their way as our futures go blank in about thirty minutes."

"That gives us just enough time for a walk in the garden," I said, holding out my hand to her. She looked reluctant, but took it; together we jumped from the balcony to the garden.

I led her to the river and sat down on the bank where I had spoken to Rosalie what felt like months ago. I couldn't believe how much things had changed in the space of the last hour. Now they knew the truth and Bella was talking, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my chest. I could breathe easy again.

"I am so sorry, Jasper," Alice said dropping to sit beside me. "I should have believed you, trusted you. Can you forgive me?"

"I can forgive you anything. You're my mate and I love you." She opened her mouth to speak, but I held a hand up. " _I_ can forgive you, but I am not the only one you hurt. Rosalie wasn't wrong; Bella has changed. I think she will forgive you in time, but you need to speak to her."

"I don't know what to say!" she said desperately.

"I'd start with sorry, and then explain what happened, why you couldn't talk to her."

"I really screwed this up didn't I?" she said sadly.

"Yes, I'm not going to lie to you Alice, you need to fix some stuff. Including your relationship with Rosalie. You have been jealous." Her head snapped up to look at me. "No point denying it; you were jealous, and that made you treat her pretty shabbily."

I felt a new emotional 'voice' in the house and smiled. "Bella's back, shall we go see her?"

She didn't answer, but jumped to her feet and ran for the house.

"I'll take that as a yes," I said chuckling.

I made my way into the house and to Bella's room. Carlisle was sitting beside Bella, holding her hand. Rosalie and Emmett were sharing a chair both reading a book, and Esme was sitting at Bella's other side stroking her hair back from her face.

The emotional climate in the room was serene and happy; such a welcome change from the tension of the last few weeks that I reveled in it. I watched Esme stroking Bella's hair, and noted the same expression on Carlisle's face as hers.

Their golden eyes gazed down upon her, and they seemed to create their own light from within. I finally recognized where I had seen it before.

It was the face of a parent looking at their newborn baby.


	29. What You're Doing

**Jasper POV**

I hated to break the happy mood, but Alice needed to talk to Bella, and the sooner they did, the sooner we could all relax.

“Would you mind giving Alice and I a moment with Bella please,” I asked.

They nodded and one by one said their goodbyes to Bella. Emmett grumbled about the unfairness as he stomped from the room.

_‘Suck it up, Em.’_

I shared Bella’s words and Emmett laughed riotously. “Oh, Bella, we are going to have so much fun!” he announced.

When we were alone I sat at Bella’s side and took her hand, reaching the other out to Alice. She took it, but looked nervous.

 _‘Alice?’_ Bella questioned.

Alice started as she felt the emotions flicker.

“She’s here,” I said and waited for Alice to speak. She remained silent, staring down at Bella as if afraid she would leap from the bed and start shouting accusations at her.

_‘Is she gagged?’_

I laughed; glad to see Bella still had a little of her snarky side despite recent events.

“What did she say?” Alice asked in a whisper.

“She asked if you were gagged.”

Bella sent out a wave of amusement and Alice grinned in spite of herself.

“Now, Bella, you know there is no way of gagging me,” she said cheerfully.

 _‘Could have fooled me.’_ I translated the words for Alice, and she looked down at Bella guiltily.

“I’m sorry. This has all been a bit of a shock and I’m having trouble working out what to say,” she said sadly.

“Try sorry,” I whispered.

 _‘No whispering,’_ Bella demanded. I remembered the old adage about a blind person’s other senses being enhanced to make up the deficit. Apparently comas worked the same way. Bella would not have been able to hear us talking at that level ordinarily. 

“I am sorry,” Alice started, then paused. “I’m sorry I didn’t believe in you, I’m sorry for the things I said, I’m sorry for leaving in the first place.”

_‘I missed you.’_

I shared Bella’s words again, thinking how much easier this would be if the others learnt Morse code too.

“I missed you too. I missed you so much, especially when I thought you were gone.”

_‘I wasn’t.’_

“I know. I should have believed Jasper when he told me. Can you forgive me?”

 _‘Yes.’_ Though she responded in the positive, her emotions showed that she was not certain in her decision.

“Thank you,” Alice said gratefully, not noting the difference in emotions.

It was understandable. I spent my life immersed in people’s emotions and had learned all the subtle nuances that belied their words. Alice did not have that ability and I was grateful for it. They just needed time to get back on their old footing; Bella had been hurt after all.

Alice seemed to think Bella needed an exact description of her surroundings. At first I thought it was a bit foolish, but as she described the room in detail, the placement of each item I felt Bella’s appreciation. Neither Rosalie nor I had thought to do this, but it made sense. For Bella the world was darkness, only decipherable through sounds and scent; now she would be able to create an image in her mind of the room she was in.

“The wolves are here,” Carlisle called up to us.

“I’m sorry, Bella, I have to go help with the training now.”

_‘Okay.’_

“Do you want someone to stay with you?” Alice asked. “Esme usually does, but any of us can take a night off to spend time with you.”

Downstairs, I could hear the voices of the others arguing over who got to stay. Esme was saying as it was her usual job she should get to be the one, but Carlisle was attempting to persuade her that he needed to be close to monitor Bella’s stats.

“You can do that from outside,” Emmett said. “If anyone needs a turn it’s me.”

“They’re fighting over you Bella,” I said with a grin.

She sent a shot of amusement at me. _‘Can Emmett stay and read?’_

“Really?” I said incredulously.

_‘I like the voices.’_

I chuckled. “Emmett, you feel like doing some reading? Bella has requested your presence.”

“Hell yeah,” he bellowed racing up the stairs. “I _knew_ she liked the voices.”

Leaving Emmett to entertain Bella, I made my way outside, past the grumbling Esme and Carlisle, to meet the wolves. Another night’s training had begun.

The week that followed was one of the best I could remember. Despite the tension of Victoria’s impending attack, the family was generally content and relaxed. Our days were spent with Bella, reading, talking or playing music, and our nights training with the wolves.

The others had learnt Morse code so I no longer needed to translate for them. Emmett was the only one who had difficulty with it. He sat for hours with the book in front of him tapping at the arm of the chair as he tried to master it, often with hilarious results.

“What are you trying to say?” I asked one such afternoon, as he tapped frantically.

“Carlisle is here,” he said. “Did I get it wrong?”

The rest of us fought to hide our grins as Rosalie patted his arm reassuringly. “Only a little,” she said. “You said: Carlisle has ears.”

Bella let loose a wave of humor so intense I couldn’t control it and projected to the whole room.

 _‘Observant,’_ she said, triggering another wave of hysterics.

“Jasper, please control yourself,” Carlisle said between laughs.

“It’s not my fault; blame Bella,” I defended.

 _‘Oops, sorry,’_ she said pulling back her emotions.

She had remarkable control of her ability to send and block her emotions now. I was sure it had something to do with the way she had always been able to block Edward from reading her mind.

She seemed to be able to broadcast her emotions much farther than before too. if I was in the woods close to the house I could usually feel the emotions of whoever was in the house. If Bella was trying to talk to me the range was much farther, this may have simply been a result of my being so attuned to her now, but I doubted it.

I couldn’t help but wonder how this ability would manifest when… _if…_ she was changed. I hadn’t had a chance to speak to her alone lately so I didn’t know what her feelings were on the change. Curiously nobody else had mentioned it either. It seemed we were all too busy enjoying our time together to want to bring up a tense subject.

The issue of her change needed to be addressed though. Carlisle was borrowing some equipment from Forks Community to run a new round of tests, and I was sure once he had the results, he would be broaching the subject with her.

They had already had one tense discussion the day after she began talking again. With my assistance Carlisle tried to talk to her about Edward and our departure. She had accepted his apologies and told him she understood why we had left, but when he mentioned Edward she claimed to be tired and slipped into the calm void before we could say another word. She was not only snarky these days, she was sneaky too.

There was no denying she was getting weaker though and we all knew it. She was pushing herself to stay aware as much as she could, but the effort tired her. She continued to lose weight and her once ivory skin was now grey and waxy looking. I may not have Carlisle or Rosalie’s medical expertise, but even I knew this was not a good sign.

I was sitting with her waiting for the spark of emotion that would tell me she was awake. Carlisle was out collecting the equipment he needed and I wanted to speak to her before he got back. She needed to be aware of what was coming, both in the tests and the following discussions. The others were spread throughout the house each engaged in their own activities, and I hoped it would stay that way.

In one of those unnerving switches her mood changed from the calm void to alert curiosity.

“Hiya, darlin’, it’s just me here,” I said quietly. This was another habit we had developed, as she couldn’t see who was there whenever she became aware I – or whoever was with her if I was not in the room – would fill her in.

_‘Why you whispering?’_

“Because I want to talk to you, and if the others know you are awake I won’t get a chance,” I explained.

_‘Sounds serious.'_

“It is.” Her emotions became expectant and tense. “Carlisle is out getting stuff to run a new batch of tests on you.”

_‘And?’_

“And if the results are what we hope, he is going to want to discuss your change.”

_‘Didn’t Rose tell you?’_

“Tell me what?” I couldn’t think of anything Rosalie had told me that had any bearing on this. They were hiding something from me and I felt an irrational spike of jealousy.

How had they found a way to communicate without me? I had become so used to Bella needing me to speak I felt a little annoyed that they had a secret. It made me sympathize with Alice’s recent hostility toward Rosalie.

_‘Nothing.'_

“You are lying to me,” I said, a little harsher than I intended to.

_‘Not lying. Private.'_

We’d see about that. I was going to be having a little chat with Rosalie; I was an empath, she wouldn’t be able to lie to me.

I pushed away my annoyance and continued. “Well as I said, Carlisle is going to want to discuss your change.”

 _‘No change,’_ she sent through a wave of anger. _‘I told you, no change,’_

“Why not? What is stopping you?”

_‘Tired now.'_

“Oh no you don’t,” I said sternly. “Talk to me, Bella, tell me why you don’t want the change.”

 _‘Later.’_ And with that she snapped off her emotions leaving me stewing in my anger and jealousy.

“Dammit, Bella!” I kicked the chair away.

“Hey, Bella’s awake!” Emmett voice came from the garden and like a herd of rampaging rhinos the others stormed into the room.

“Hiya, Bella, what you want to do today? We can play hangman again, or do a crossword,” Emmett said excitedly.

“She’s resting," I said.

“But you were just talking to her; I heard you,” he said, disappointed.

“I _was_ talking to her, but she got tired.” I didn’t want to explain that she had done the emotional equivalent of hanging up on me.

“Why didn’t you call us sooner?” Rosalie asked. “I wanted to speak to her too.”

“We were having a private conversation,” I said harshly, ignoring the shocked looks from Emmett and Esme and Alice’s comforting hand on my arm. “You of all people should understand that, _Rose,”_ I almost spat her name.

“Outside, now please,” she said calmly.

“I don’t think so, we can talk about it here and–”

“Outside, now,” she repeated, now in a soothing compelling voice.

Though it was the last thing I wanted to do, I found myself moving to the balcony and jumping to the garden.

“She’s doing it again,” Emmett said.

Carlisle pulled into the drive and stared at me as I walked placidly to the river and leapt across.

“Jasper, are you okay?” he called after me.

“He’s fine,” Rosalie said serenely. “We are just going for a quick hunt; we won’t be long.”

Emmett was standing on the balcony watching us with an amused expression. “She’s doing that thing again, Carlisle. She’s making him do it.”

“Rose?” Carlisle questioned.

“We can talk about it when we get back, we won’t be long.”

With that, she too leapt the river and led me into the forest. Once we were a reasonable distance from the house she stopped and directed me to a boulder. I sat and she dropped whatever influence it was that she was using on me. 

“What the hell!” I said jumping to my feet. “You can’t just do that, Rose, it’s not fair. I don’t screw with your emotions unless I have to, so don’t fuck around with my head!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was doing it until Emmett said, and by then it was too late. Besides you want to talk, right? Now’s your chance.” She smiled happily at me and it made my anger flare again.

“What are you and Bella hiding from me?” I asked.

I felt a surge of savage pleasure as her emotions became wary and her smile disappeared.

“What did Bella tell you?” she asked cautiously.

“Not much,” I admitted. “Enough to know that the pair of you are hiding something, though.”

“Have you never hidden something from the rest of us?” she asked shrewdly.

I thought back to the first time I had asked Bella about being changed. _‘No change, not anymore.’_ I hadn’t told Rosalie, or anyone else for that matter, what she had said.

She seemed to read my mind as her smile grew large again. “See, you have secrets too. I am not going to tell you what Bella and I discussed, I’m not even sure it’s relevant anymore.”

“Is it important?” I asked. If I could just know that, I may be able to relax.

“Very,” she said with emphasis. “If the time comes when it is relevant I will tell you, but until then I ask you to trust me.”

“Fine,” I said grudgingly. “We should get back to the house. I bet Carlisle is itching to talk to you about your new skill, and Emmett will be dying to call me your bitch.”

She grinned. “It is pretty cool, if only I could use it at will, Emmett wouldn’t know what hit him.”

I laughed. “That’s quite the relationship the two of you have.”

“Like you never use your gift on Alice for your own gain.”

I wasn’t going to answer that, there were parts of my life I liked to keep secret, and my extracurricular activities with my gift was one of them.

“We better hunt while we’re out here, they are going to be curious enough without us going back with dark eyes,” she suggested.

“Good point, race you back!” I said running into the woods in search of a quick meal.

“You’re spending too much time with Emmett!” she called after me, and I laughed.

When we got back to the house, as expected, Carlisle was waiting to interrogate Rosalie.

“Tell me everything,” he demanded leaning forward in his chair. All he needed to complete the look was a notepad and dictaphone and he’d look like a hack reporter.

“We told you about the newborn right?” she began.

“Tell me again,” he said excitedly.

Bella came back into awareness shortly after Rosalie had started her account, and like the rest of us, she listened interestedly. Something made her suspicious though, and the feeling grew with every word Rosalie spoke.

“So it is an unconscious trait,” Carlisle said thoughtfully. “Have you tried to use it on demand?”

“Only once,” Rosalie said averting her eyes. I thought I knew how that had worked; her emotions were embarrassed and a little remorseful.

Emmett seemed to have the same dawning realization as he grinned wickedly and said; “So _that’s_ what you were doing.”

Bella was unable to see the interaction between Emmett and Rosalie and her emotions became angry.

_‘Did she do that to me?’_

Rosalie was across the room so I had to speak for Bella, and when I did her expression became horrified.

“No, Bella, I swear!”

“Do what?” Emmett asked curiously, but Rosalie ignored him.

“I would never do that to you,” she promised.

 _‘Okay,’_ Bella said, but her emotions were still a little uncertain.

“Are you going to explain that?” Alice asked, though she seemed to know the answer as there was no surprise when Rosalie replied firmly, “No.”

“Moving on then,” Carlisle said. “Rosalie, would you mind trying to influence one of us again? Not Jasper this time; I want him to track the emotions as you try.”

“Sure. Emmett?”

“As long as you keep it decent this time, I don’t want to be exposing myself to everyone; there are ladies present.”

Bella was amused by his words and I sent the feeling out into the room. Emmett grinned broadly, he seemed to take his role of comic relief even more seriously since discovering Bella’s awareness.

Rosalie closed her eyes, took a deep breath and fixed her eyes on Emmett. “You hungry, Em? You should go hunt.” Though she was concentrating hard there was none of the same compelling feeling to her words as before.

“No, I’m alright thanks,” Emmett said with a grin. 

“You should sit down!” she said.

“Nah, really I’m good standing,” he replied, his own emotions becoming positively gleeful.

“Tell me what happened to my peasant blouse,” she said.

“I told you I had nothing to do with that!” he said innocently.

He was a damn liar, he had destroyed it when attempting to get into her good books by doing the laundry one day. I knew, I was there after all.

Bella fought her amusement but failed; she blasted me with it, which in turn affected the others.

“I don’t think it’s going to work,” Rosalie said once I had regained control again. “It doesn’t feel the same as it did before.”

 _‘Angry,’_ Bella said.

“No, she’s just frustrated is all,” I reassured her.

_‘No nitwit. She needs to be angry.’_

Why didn’t I think of that?

“Try again, Rose,” I suggested. “This time I am going to influence you a little, okay?”

She nodded.

“It’s not going to work,” Emmett said, feeling superior. “I am just too strong minded, I can’t be controlled like that.”

Rosalie’s frustration grew and I added my own influence to it in an increasing wave of anger.

“Tell me what happened to my peasant blouse,” Rosalie said, her voice now held the compelling tone that I had heard before.

“I was doing the laundry and I got the settings wrong,” Emmett said placidly. “Jasper told me to hide it, that you’d never notice.”

That bastard! I was only trying to help!

Rosalie rounded on me and I immediately stopped sending her anger and pumped her full of calm instead. If she was going to use her gift on me without my consent I had no qualms about doing it to her.

 _‘You’re screwed,'_ Bella sent though waves of amusement.

“Tell me about it,” I said.

“What emotion did you use?” Carlisle asked, forestalling Rosalie’s remonstrances.

“Anger,” I said.

“Good idea,” Esme praised.

“Not mine, it was Bella’s,” I explained. 

_‘Yeah, I’m all kinds of awesome.’_

“Indeed you are,” Carlisle said, holding my shoulder so he too could feel her. “Now, let’s get on with seeing just how awesome your heart is too.”

_‘Damn.’_

“I promise I will get it over with as quick as I can,” Carlisle assured her.

Words that would come to haunt us all.


	30. You Can' Do That

**Bella POV**

“Okay, Bella, this won’t hurt I promise, but I will need to expose your chest.”

_‘Pervert!’_

“No! I meant… I didn’t…” Carlisle spluttered.

“She’s teasing you, Carlisle,” Jasper said. “She understands what you mean.”

“Oh, well… okay then,” Carlisle said. I could imagine his expression as he spoke, slightly confused but a smile quirking at the corners of his mouth.

In truth I had lost all modesty long ago. I knew Alice, Esme, and Rose had been bathing me. Emmett and Jasper had been present for at least one cardiac arrest, so it was doubtful a flash of my goodies was going to cross their eyes.

Carlisle had ordered the others from the room anyway, leaving only Jasper and him, as Jasper was needed to communicate.

I felt the sheets being pulled back and my gown being opened. It was a curious sensation, I could feel everything above the waist but was unable to move an inch; below the waist I was completely numb. I knew that was one of the things Carlisle was going to be testing today.

“This will be a little cold,” he said, and I heard squirting sounds followed by something cool and liquid landing on my chest. “Now I’ve had to disconnect the defibrillator for now, so if you could do me a favor and keep your heart beating, I’d be most grateful,” he teased.

I felt a pang of guilt that, not being privy to the discussion Rosalie and I’d had, Jasper misinterpreted.

“It’s okay, we know you can’t control it. You just relax and let Carlisle do his thing.”

“If it will help, we can start with the sensation exam and you can rest while I do the others,” Carlisle said.

 _‘I’m okay,’_ I reassured them, but I wasn’t certain they believed me.

I felt a gentle pressure on my chest and then the muffled sound of my heart beating. “I am just doing an ultrasound,” Carlisle said. “It will give us a better idea of how your heart is functioning now.”

I heard an indrawn breath and knew that couldn’t mean anything good.

“What is it?” Jasper asked. “What do you see?”

“Give me a moment,” Carlisle said evasively.

I wondered what he was seeing; what damage I had done to myself in my attempts to find release. Though I was certain in my conviction that I didn’t want the change, I was not ready to go yet either. I had only just got them back after all.

“I will need to do further studies,” Carlisle said eventually. “You may want to be unaware for them, as they may be a little uncomfortable.”

_‘Fine by me.’_

“Let’s do the sensation exam, then you can have a rest.”

I felt the sheets being pulled over my chest again and a jostling, as Carlisle manipulated my legs.

“Can you feel this?” he asked again and again.

_‘No.’_

I imagined him moving along my leg, but I felt nothing until he reached my navel.

_‘Now I can.’_

He sighed, but I hadn’t expected any different. I had known all along that I was screwed, but apparently he had held out some hope.

“Okay, we’re done with that now, you have a rest and I’ll finish the other tests,” he said.

I heard him calling Rosalie to help as I allowed myself to be pulled into the darkness.

xXx

“Good morning, sunshine,” Alice’s cheery voice greeted me as I emerged from the dark. “Me and Jasper are here, the others are hunting.”

_‘Morning?’_

“Yep, you missed a whole night of excitement. You must have been tired.”

_‘I guess. What happened?’_

“Well, the wolves came and we trained a while. Emmett is pissed because Jared kicked his sparkly ass in one-on-one, and Emily came to see you again.”

I wished I had been able to hear Emmett’s ranting, I bet his ego had been bruised by being beaten by one of the wolves. I wasn’t too upset about missing Emily’s visit though. She was sweet and we had become good friends, but we had not told the wolves about my situation, and so she seemed to think as I couldn’t hear her it was okay to talk about Jacob and the ‘good old days’. They had been good, until my father had been killed that is.

It was my decision not to tell them the truth, I had already faced the disbelief of my family enough to not desire a repeat performance. Hearing Sam or Jared describing me as a shell was more than I could handle.

Jasper had tried to reassure me; he had taken a liking to Jared and had told me how concerned he had been after the attack. I remembered his frantic face above me as I lay on the kitchen floor and felt bad about avoiding him further, but it was for his benefit too. Sooner or later I was going to die, and if they already believed I was gone it would make it easier on them. 

Judging from Carlisle’s troubled tone while he was running his tests it was going to be sooner.

Alice chattered away happily and I let the words flow over me, I was content to just listen for now.

xXx

**Jasper POV**

“Are you sure?” Rosalie asked.

She was the only one of us able to form words at the moment. Carlisle’s last words had stunned us into silence.

Alice and I had spent the morning with Bella, and when she pleaded tiredness, we had stayed curled in a chair together, enjoying each other’s presence. Carlisle had checked in on Bella, and then asked us to join him in the dining room. He had looked tired and stressed, and I felt a sense of foreboding that hastened my footsteps as we joined the others.

It was then he had spoken the words that had rendered us all mute. “Bella’s heart is failing.”

I was unable to process it. I had known that he was concerned about the results, I had felt that while he carried out his tests, but I did not expect it to be so dramatic.

“I am sure. I took the scans to an old colleague at Forks Community and he confirmed it. I don’t know why it is happening, but Bella’s heart is not holding up under the strain.”

“What do we do?” Esme asked desperately. “Do we change her now?”

I stiffened, as did Rosalie.

“We will have to,” Carlisle said raking his hands over his face. “The timing is not ideal, but if we delay it may be too late. I will contact the wolves and explain the situation, it may be a good idea to get a stock of blood too…”

He continued his preparations, Esme, Alice, and Emmett chiming in occasionally. While I locked eye’s with Rosalie, each of us it seemed was waiting for the other to speak up, neither willing to be the one to break their little bubble. Eventually I steeled myself and interrupted them.

“I don’t think we can.”

Four stunned faces turned to look at me.

“Of course we can, Jasper. What are you talking about?” Alice asked. “Carlisle has done this before, and you are an expert at dealing with newborns.”

She seemed to think I was being a bit simple, and that made me feel even worse about what I had to say next.

“Bella doesn’t want the change,” I stated.

“What?”

“Why?”

“When did she say that?”

“She doesn’t mean it!”

Their questions came thick and fast, and I held up a hand to stop them.

“She said it after the surgery; once we were able to communicate I asked her,” I looked apologetically at Rosalie. “I didn’t tell you because I thought I could persuade her to change her mind. I was wrong.”

Rosalie nodded sadly. “I thought she might. Do you know why she doesn’t want it?”

“No. She has never told me, and now she has control over the darkness she slips into it whenever I try to question her.”

“But surely she’ll feel different now,” Emmett said. “I mean now we know she’s there, we can talk to her, she’ll change her mind.”

“I asked her yesterday and she is still saying no.”

They looked stunned, Esme was curled into Carlisle’s chest and he hid his face in her hair.

“We just need to talk to her,” Emmett said obstinately. “Find out why, then we can fix it.”

If only it was that simple. I had a feeling that Bella’s mind had been made up long ago, and nothing we could do or say was going to change it.

I felt her emotions change as she woke and her curiosity as she waited for someone to speak to her.

“She’s awake now, so we may as well go ask her ourselves,” I said, standing and making my way up the stairs. 

We all filed into Bella’s room, faces somber and eyes focused on the prone figure on the bed.

“Hi, Bella, we’re all here,” I said taking my usual seat beside her and holding her hand.

 _‘Party time,’_ she said, though her humor seemed forced.

The others gathered around us, each holding some part of me so as to hear her speak for themselves. Ordinarily this would have made me uncomfortable – I felt like a demented maypole with them all hanging off of me – but now I had far greater concerns than my personal space being invaded.

“Not exactly,” Carlisle said. “I have some news for you and we need to have a discussion.”

_‘The tests?’_

“Yes. I’m afraid it’s not good news, Bella. Your heart is not doing well and if it continues untreated it will fail.”

_‘Figured.’_

There was no shock or surprise in her emotions; she had been expecting to hear this all along. There was sadness though and that gave me hope; if she was upset there may be a chance we could change her mind.

 _‘What treatment?’_ she asked, and again I suspected she already knew the answer.

“Well, there isn’t much we can do using conventional medicine,” Carlisle began. “But with the venom–”

 _‘NO.’_ She sent it with such force it was like an electric charge running through me. _‘I don’t want to be changed.’_

“Why?” Esme asked sadly. “Is it such a upsetting thought, becoming one of us?”

I thought that was pretty sneaky of Esme phrasing it like that, and Bella seemed to agree.

_‘Not fair. Cruel.’_

Rosalie and Alice shot Esme a reproachful look.

“I’m sorry,” Esme said sincerely. “But I don’t understand. You wanted the change before, why won’t you accept now what you once begged for from Edward?”

I felt the pang when Esme spoke the name as did the others. It was Edward; Whatever had changed her mind it was because of him.

“Edward?” Esme said again, and I felt another pang of pain.

 _‘Stop,’_ Bella said, her emotions pleading. _‘Please stop.”_

In her agitation her heart had increased its pace and I shrugged away the hands that were holding me.

“Enough!” I growled, the turned my attention to Bella. “It’s okay, calm down.” I sent her a tentative wave of calm, and between that and her own efforts her heart slowed again.

Once I was sure she was settled I turned to face a stricken looking Esme. “That was cruel.”

“I didn’t–” she began, but I cut her off.

“I know you didn’t _mean_ to, but you did. I get that you’re upset, but screwing with her and making her feel guilty is not the way to go.” I spoke harshly, but she and the others needed to calm the hell down and give Bella a break. “Now, you want to talk, I get it, but you are all going to wait and give both me and Bella some space.”

Alice looked like she was going to argue, but Carlisle nodded. “Will you tell us what she says?”

“Of course.” I restrained from rolling my eyes with difficulty.

Taking a deep breath I took my seat beside Bella again and began, “I know you don’t want to talk about this, but we need to know why you don’t want the change, help us understand.”

 _‘I don’t want forever alone.’_ I sent the emotions to the others as she spoke, it took more concentration than it did to allow them to feel them though me, but I didn’t think Bella would want to hear me repeating her words back at her. And I couldn’t bear to have them crowding me again; their touch made their own emotions much more potent.

“You wouldn’t be alone,” Alice said. “We’d be here with you. Do you think we’d leave you again?”

 _‘You want me to talk, let me,’_ she said annoyed, then began the longest period of sending she had ever done. We all remained silent, absorbing her words and dealing with our own shock.

_‘Edward left me. He took me into the woods and told me he was leaving, that the rest of you were already gone. He said his world wasn’t for me, but what he meant was that I wasn’t right for his world; for your world. He told me I wasn’t good for him, he meant I wasn’t good enough…’_

She paused a moment, then continued.

_‘He left me and I was broken. I missed you all so much and there was nobody to talk to. Then there was Jacob, he helped me, made life worth living again. I got better. I wasn’t whole without you all but I was trying. Jacob wanted more, he loved me in a way I could never love him. Edward took my heart with him when he left, there was nothing for me to give to Jacob. I thought he understood; I tried to explain, until that day…’_

I could hear muffled sobs from the others, I was barely clinging onto my own equilibrium as it was.

_‘Charlie died knowing I had lied to him; he died because of my foolishness. Then Renee, she died twice, once as a human in the fires of the change and again as a vampire when she was torn apart and destroyed. All for the crime of loving me, for trusting me.’_

We had not told her the details of Renee’s death; just that she had been changed and the wolves were forced to destroy her. The knowledge that her own mother had become a weapon in Victoria’s arsenal was enough; to tell her that her mission was to kill her only child would be beyond cruel.

_‘Now I am dying, and that’s right. I don’t want to be a vampire as that would mean an eternity of living with the knowledge that I killed my mother and father. Some of you have your grief for your human life and I understand that, but you have your mate with you too. Like you said, Rose, if you hadn’t been changed you would never know the happiness being with Emmett brought you.’_

Emmett looked astonished and he pulled Rosalie to him in a crushing embrace.

 _‘I won’t have that relief,’_ Bella continued. _I had my happiness with Edward, and it wasn’t enough; I wasn’t enough. I wanted the change so I could stay with him, I don’t want a forever without him._

She stopped, fatigue overcoming her and I felt her emotions flicker as she fought the darkness. 

Everyone looked just as stunned as I felt. None of us had ever known what Edward said to her when he left, we assumed he was telling her the truth. When the wolves told us of how she had been those first few months I assumed it was because she was missing him. I never imagined it was because he had broken her so completely and lied to her like this.

I waited until her emotions were stable again and knew she would hear me before I spoke.

“He lied,” I said simply. “I don’t know why, but he did. He left, we all left, as Edward realized the risk we posed to you. Your birthday party was the final straw for him; he feared he was going to lose you and so he took away the risk.”

_‘No. He said it.’_

“I know what he said, but it wasn’t true. If you would let us go to him bring him home he can tell you this himself,” Esme said hopefully.

 _‘He’d come guilt,’ s_ he said, her words fragmented again due to her exhaustion.

“No, Bella. I assure you he would come because he wants to, not because of guilt,” Carlisle said, but I could tell even through her exhaustion that she did not believe him.

 _‘Rest now,’_ she said.

“Ahhh man, I hate it when she disappears like that,” Emmett moaned.

 _‘Not disappearing,’_ she said fighting the pull of the void. ‘ _I’m only sleeping.’_


	31. Soldier of Love

**Jasper POV**

Our preparations were made; we were finally ready.

When the wolves arrived we explained Alice’s vision; the air of excited anticipation that they usually exuded during our training session vanished and they became focused and determined.

We trained for hours, as a group and separately, only stopping when the wolves fatigue became too much. The conversation grew tense as the wolves flopped to the ground, groaning and massaging injured limbs, as we broached the subject of protecting Bella. We had decided long ago that Esme would stay at the house with Bella, but the wolves didn’t seem to think this would be enough.

“How will you communicate if something happens?” Sam asked. “If there is a wolf here they can use the pack mind to pass to messages to us.”

“Leaving you a man-“ Emmett began, but broke off when Leah growled. “Excuse me. Leaving you a man, or _woman,_ short.”

“We can handle that, but if one of them comes to the house can Esme fight them _and_ protect Bella alone?"

Eventually it was decided that Seth would stay at the house with Esme, while Collin and Brady – the two youngest wolves – would remain in La Push to protect the reservation. Sam agreed that working in two separate locations would be best, both to maintain Alice’s visions and to reduce the risk of unintentional injury.

It didn’t work out quite as planned though. When Emmett and I returned from laying the scent trail we found Sam, Seth _and_ Emily at the house.

“She’s fighting too?” Emmett asked with a broad grin.

“No,” Sam said through gritted teeth. “But she refuses to stay on the reservation with Collin and Brady; she wants to be here with Bella.”

It was a sweet gesture, but completely crazy. What was she going to do if, God forbid, one of the newborns did make it to the house?

“I am training to be a nurse,” she said, as if she had read my mind. “I can help take care of Bella; I know what I am doing.”

“Are you sure about this, Sam?” I asked.

“I don’t have a choice, she is determined and won’t listen to reason.”

There was more to it than that though; his emotions were conflicted. He wanted her safe, but at the same time it was as if he was forced to agree with her. I remembered what he had told me about imprinting when explaining Paul’s changed nature; they were bound by the imprint, everything they did was to make their partner happy. It had seemed like a raw deal to me, and now I had proof of it; Sam was torn between his desire to keep her safe and to keep her happy.

We had no more time to debate the issue though, the newborns were on their way and we had to get into position.

Sam kissed Emily tenderly, then looking into her eyes he commanded. “Be safe.”

“You too,” she said, caressing his face. “Keep your head in the game and remember why you are doing this. We owe Bella _and_ the Cullens.”

He nodded curtly then disappeared into the trees, the sound of his footfalls changing as he phased into his wolf form.

The rest of us were hugged firmly by Esme, and like Sam, implored to stay safe as we left for the clearing.

Bella was resting. I was upset that I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye before I left.

Something I would dwell on in the very near future.

xXx

“How long, Alice?” I asked.

“Any minute now, they are just coming though the north woods. They fell for the trap perfectly; half are on their way here, and the others are heading straight for the wolves.”

I focused and found I could hear the sounds of their noisy progress through the forest, the growls and snarls as they tracked Bella’s scent.

“I wish they’d get a move on, I’m bored,” Emmett said, but his emotions told otherwise; he was eager and ready to fight.

The first vampire ran into the clearing and I watched his expression shift from hungry anticipation to shock. He was expecting to find a weak, defenseless, not to mention tasty, human. Instead he was met by five snarling vampires, ready and willing to relieve him of his limbs. He was followed by ten other snarling newborns, but no sign of Victoria. This didn’t surprise me – why fight when she had this cannon fodder to do it for her? – but it did disappoint me.

He looked behind him as if considering fleeing, but didn’t get a chance. I sprang at him, sending us both crashing to the ground. I made quick work of removing his head then threw it to the other side of the clearing, earning myself a whoop of glee from Emmett.

“Hey, Jazz, we bowling?” he asked.

“Maybe later.”

I pressed my foot into the downed vampire’s groin and twisted his legs off. I reached for his flailing arms, but was knocked to the ground by another vampire. He was huge. I could tell by his darkened eyes that he was older that the others, he must be Victoria’s new lieutenant. I pushed him from me and we both sprang to our feet, dropped into attack crouches and began to circle each other.

I was annoyed and a little embarrassed that I had been caught unaware. I was out of practice, but I was about to amend that. He feinted left, but came at my right side with the force of a speeding train. I allowed him to ram me, but gripped his left wrist as he passed and used his momentum to rip his arm off. He roared in mingled fury and pain, his left hand coming to the stump as if to staunch bleeding.

“Hurts don’t it!” I said with a grim smile. The battle lust was filling me. I had not felt this way since I left Maria and it felt good to unleash the old warrior instincts.

His only reply was an inarticulate roar. I tossed his arm aside and leapt over his head. Using his momentary confusion to catch him off guard, I gripped his head with one hand and ran my teeth across his neck decapitating him.

I scanned the clearing looking for my next opponent, and checking on the progress of the others. Emmett was locked in combat with a tall vampire; even as I watched he took a bite out of its neck, giving him a lopsided look.

“Look, it’s Nearly Headless Nick!” he chortled, then with one punch turned him into ‘Completely Headless Nick’.

Leaving Emmett to finish dismembering his victim, I searched out the others. Carlisle was fighting a female, his moves were precise and efficient, but he was taking no pleasure from the fight. He was filled with remorse as he decapitated her and tossed the head into the rapidly mounting pile of limbs.

Alice had found herself an Amazonian looking female to fight, and was filled with amusement as she dodged each blow with her signature lithe grace.

“Bitch!” Rosalie shrieked drawing my attention. The female she was fighting had a grip on her hair and was yanking her head back.

I dived forward, knocking her off her feet, unfortunately taking Rosalie down with me.

“Jasper!” she growled, patting her head. “It won’t grow back you know.”

I rolled my eyes, only Rosalie would be concerned with her hair at a time like this. I left her to finish her opponent and moved on.

Emmett was fighting a new vampire. He was at least a good six inches taller than me, and the blows he landed resounded through the clearing. Emmett pinned the vampire’s arms to his sides and tore at his throat; it was going to take a while to finish him off using that method. I moved behind the vampire and tore his head from his body, as Emmett’s teeth once again bit into his neck.

“Hey, no fair!” Emmett shouted. “Go get your own.”

That was exactly what I planned to do. Rosalie and Carlisle were both fighting and neither looked like they needed any help. I saw a thin male heading towards Alice, and I moved to head him off. I pulled his arms behind his back tearing them from their sockets.

“I could have done that,” Alice said with an adorable pout.

“Feel free,” I said generously.

She grinned wickedly, and a moment later another head was rolling on the ground.

The first vampire I had fought was attempting to fuse his right leg back on; it wasn’t going to work. Not only was he trying to put his left leg onto the right side, but he kept losing balance and falling back. I felt a stab of pity for him and decided to end his suffering. In one swift move I decapitated him.

There was only one vampire left now, and Emmett was charging towards him, growling menacingly. I left him to his fun and helped Carlisle gather the twitching limbs for the fire Rosalie was building.

As we piled the remains I did a head count, literally, and realized that we were short two vampires. Casting my eyes around the clearing, I spotted a shape just inside the tree line. Nodding to Emmett we circled them and caught them from behind, taking them to the ground. Emmett pinned a small female, she wasn’t much bigger than Alice and I struggled against the bucking movements of a tall male with dark hair.

“Hiding were you?” I asked sardonically.

“Please don’t!” the female begged. “We don’t want to fight, we were hiding. Please don’t hurt him.”

“Quiet, Bree,” the male barked.

“Why were you hiding here? Planning to catch us unaware were you?” Emmett asked.

“No. We were scared; we didn’t want to fight you, but she forced us. We had to know who won before we could leave. Please don’t hurt him.”

Her emotions were clear and honest. “Let her go, Em,” I instructed, but kept a firm grip on the male.

He released her, and she dropped to her knees beside the male I had pinned.

“Calm down, Diego,” she crooned, and his bucking ceased. “Please let him go.” She implored me.

“I’ll let you go if you promise not to try and run again. You will come with us and explain what happened,” I instructed.

“I promise,” she vowed, and I released the male.

He jumped to his feet and pulled her to him, running his hands over her checking for injury.

“I’m okay,” she soothed cupping his cheek in her hand. “They didn’t hurt me. She lied; they won’t hurt us. Will you?”

“Not if you tell us the truth,” I said gesturing for them to go before us.

They walked hesitantly into the clearing and Carlisle turned from the fire to face us, stunned.

“What on earth…”

“This is Bree and Diego, they surrendered,” Emmett said.

Rosalie eyed them shrewdly. I had a feeling she was about to test out her newly discovered gift on them. I looked over the treetops and saw a plume of purple smoke coming from the wolves position. It looked like their fight was over too.

“Tell us what happened,” Rosalie said, the now familiar compelling tone in her voice.

“She told us we had to fight you, that you were coming to take back the city,” the female said. “We were scared; she had lied to us before and Riley never came back…” Her voice trailed off, as the thundering paws could be heard coming from the trees.

Jared was first out. He phased into human form immediately, gasping for breath; his emotions were beyond panicked.

“Victoria… house… Bella!” he said frantically.

There was a split second of silence as we all processed his words then as one we raced back to the house.

Praying we weren’t too late.

**Esme POV**

I was sitting with Bella and Emily when I heard the sound of a truck pulling into the drive. I dashed out to the balcony and called down to Seth.

“You need to move, someone is coming and if they see you…” I let my words trail off; if they saw him we would all be in trouble.

He ran around the side of the house, so he was out of view of the visitors.

“Will you be okay for a moment?” I asked Emily, and possibly Bella; with Jasper away I had no way of knowing if she was aware or not.

“I’ll be fine,” she assured me.

I went to the front door in time to see a truck pulling up in front of the house. I knew from the insignia on the side it was the equipment Carlisle had arranged for Bella.

The passenger door opened and a burly looking man climbed out. “Where d’ya want it ma’am?” he asked, as the driver joined him.

I directed them to the upper hallway, and asked them to leave it outside the door; Carlisle had explained the importance of keeping the room sterile.

They hauled the boxes up the stairs and piled them outside the study. I signed their clipboard and saw them to the door, watching them as they drove out of sight.

“You can come out now,” I called to Seth.

He trotted around the corner then whined, his ears flat against his head as we heard it; screeching brakes, twisting of metal, and a shout of horror.

I ran from the house along the drive. I expected to see the truck crushed against a tree or boulder; I was wrong. It was stationary in the middle of the drive, its hood twisted as if it had driven headlong into a pylon.

The scent of blood was thick in the air. The driver was hanging out of the windshield his throat cut, blood flowing from the gaping wound. I swallowed the venom that was pooling in my mouth as Seth growled behind me. I saw a flicker of movement behind the truck and I ran to them, that was when I caught the scent. Victoria.

I heard a high, girlish laugh and saw a blur of red and white as she ran through the trees toward the house. Toward Bella.

I shot after her, Seth running behind me. My anger and fear gave me speed I certainly never had before, and I caught up with her just as she reached the house. Seth charged at her, but she batted him away like a fly. With a whimper of pain he hit the porch and remained motionless. I was on my own.

She crouched preparing to jump to the balcony, and I launched myself at her knocking her into the side of the house. The brick crumbled beneath the force of impact and dust clouded out around us. I held her against the wall, but I could not move to attack her, as all my strength was required to stop her escaping.

“Seth!” Emily shrieked from the balcony.

“Get inside!” I shouted back at her. “Stay with Bella.”

I heard the doors being slammed shut and the click of the lock being engaged.

“That’s right, send her inside; it won’t make a difference,” Victoria hissed, struggling against my grip. “I will have her for dessert, after I drain Bella. I have waited far too long for my revenge to stop now.” She bucked against me, and I almost lost my hold on her. I hissed fiercely.

“Maybe I’ll change her _then_ kill her,” she mused. “That would be fun. Imagine how she would feel burning for three days while I told her in detail about how I killed you, and how my newborns took care of the rest of your family. They’re all dead you know.”

I refused to believe it, if Carlisle had been killed I would know it, I would _feel_ it. The shock of her words made me lose focus for a split second, and she used it to her advantage. She pushed me away from her and ran through the front door, sending splintering wood across the lounge. I was hot on her heels and caught her again as she reached the staircase. She writhed against me, as lithe and lethal as a snake. Her teeth found purchase on my neck and with a cruel twist of her head she tore a chunk from my throat.

I screamed in pain; it was almost as bad as the change. I was terrified she would finish the job completely and take off my head. There would be no one left to protect Bella.

She did not come for me again; instead she darted up the stairs, and a second later I heard a thin piteous scream. Pushing away the pain of my wound, I ran up the stairs and into Bella’s room.

Emily was pressed against Bella’s bed, her hands in front of her eyes, as if she could see her death approaching and preferred to go into it blind. I expected to see Victoria attacking Bella, but she was in a crouch, moving around the bed as if trying to find the best angle to attack. This made no sense, she had been hell bent on Bella’s destruction before, why was she now taking her time?

I tried to get between Bella and Victoria, but was stopped a foot from the bed as if I had run into a brick wall. There was nothing there that I could see, but even as I tried to process what was happening, Victoria leapt forward and she too was stopped. Whatever was stopping me getting to Bella was also stopping her.

I shot forward pinning Victoria to the ground as she charged toward Bella again. A red haze descended before my eyes and I welcomed it; it gave me strength. I had failed Bella before. I would not fail her again.

I raked Victoria’s skin with my nails, causing her to scream in pain; my own was obliterated for the moment. She twisted and writhed against me, but this time I was not going to lose her. Straddling her, I ran my teeth across her shoulder and removed her arm. She screamed again and I relished the sound. This was the vampire that tried to kill Bella. That turned Renee into a weapon for her own daughters destruction. Her pain was glorious.

With another rapid slash of my teeth I had her other arm removed and now she looked scared. Her struggles increased, she twisted her hips, trying to knock me away in vain.

“No,” she howled, her agony not only physical, but emotional too. She was within reach of her goal, my daughter's destruction, and she knew she would fail.

“Yes,” I hissed menacingly.

I heard movement behind me, but was too lost in the haze of my fury. A huge paw came into view and I realized Seth was here. He tore at Victoria’s shoulder with his razor sharp teeth, but it wasn’t fast enough. I needed to do this. Yanking her head to the side I ran my teeth across her neck and in one swift movement I decapitated her.

As her screams cut off, the other sounds in the room rushed back at me. The frantic beeping of Bella’s monitors and the pounding of her heart. Too fast, much too fast.

I sprang to my feet. “Get it outside and burn it!” I ordered Seth as I rushed to Bella. I couldn’t get there though, once again I was stopped a foot from her bed.

I tried again and again to cross the barrier, but was no more successful than I was the first time. With each passing second Bella’s heart rate increased as did my panic.

“Help her!” I screamed at Emily.

“I’m trying!” she said. “I can’t get out, it’s like there is a wall. Everything I need is on the cart and I _can’t get there_.” The last words came out as a desperate sob.

I was frantic, throwing myself at the barrier and each time being blocked. It was as if there was a force field surrounding Emily and Bella. A shield!

Understanding dawned on me, and with it came mingled horror, Bella was doing this! She was human, weak and yet… as if to illustrate my fear Bella’s heart sped even faster.

“Stop it, Bella!” I pleaded. “You have to stop. Let me in, I need to help you!”

I charged the barrier and this time I was able to pass. I barreled into the end of Bella’s bed with such force the metal curved in to my shape.

My relief was short lived though as the reason behind my admittance became clear. Bella’s heart had stopped.

Emily sprang into action, reaching for the defibrillator controls. She charged them and sent a shock of electricity through Bella that made her torso arch from the bed.

“Oh, God no!” I sobbed. “Please, Bella, don’t do this.”

“Help me!” Emily shouted, as she recharged the defibrillator and shocked Bella once again.

“What do I do!” I asked desperately.

“CPR,” she ordered.

I knew this, Carlisle had taught us all. I positioned my hands on Bella’s chest, but as I pressed down the sound of breaking ribs could be heard. I sprang back, my hands flying to my mouth. I had hurt her!

“It doesn’t matter,” Emily said. “Keep going!”

I continued the compressions cautiously, each time I pressed down I heard the scraping of bone and felt a wave of horror that I had caused it.

”Stand back!” Emily commanded, and once again sent a jolt of electricity into Bella. I waited, praying desperately for her heart to respond, but again there was nothing.

I restarted the compressions, pleading with Bella all the while, begging her to come back to me.

“Back!” Emily ordered, and again Bella’s torso arched from the bed as the electricity passed through her.

I stepped forward to restart the compressions, but as I positioned my hands I heard the most welcome sound in the world, a beep from the machine and Bella’s heart restarting.

“Thank you, thank you, oh God thank you,” I sobbed, holding Bella’s hand to my face.

Outside I heard the thundering of footsteps and Carlisle’s desperate voice.

“ESME!”


	32. You're Going To Lose That Girl

**Jasper POV**

We ran through the woods without a word; the only sound was the thudding of the wolves’ paws and our own lighter footfalls. We were all concentrating on our other senses, searching for clues to what was happening at the house. The trees thinned and I caught the heady scent of burning vampire.

“ESME!” Carlisle bellowed. He shot ahead of us, his fear lending him speed.

 _Not Esme. Please not Esme!_ I begged mentally as I cleared the trees and ran into the garden. The signs of battle were everywhere. A deep indent in the brick of the north side of the house, blood on the porch steps, and the front doors were splintered and hanging crookedly from the hinges.

“Carlisle!” Esme appeared at the balcony.

I felt a rush of relief at the sight of her which turned to horror as I saw the wound on her neck and her terrified expression. There was only one thing that would make her look like that; Bella.

I sprang onto the balcony and into Bella’s room. Carlisle was holding one hand to Esme’s wound and the other was running over her body searching for any other injuries.

“I’m okay, you need to check Bella,” Esme said frantically, slapping him hard across the cheek when he didn’t listen. “Carlisle! Bella needs you. Now!”

The slap seemed to break him out of his haze, and he snapped to Bella’s side instead.

“She went into cardiac arrest,” Emily explained. I had not noticed her standing by Bella. She was batting away a stark naked Sam who was checking her for injury, just as Carlisle had done for Esme. “We got the rhythm back on the fourth round of defibrillation, but some ribs were broken during CPR.” Her words were calm and concise, her expertise evident.

Carlisle’s competent hands now worked over Bella; tracing her ribs to find the breaks and tilting his head to the side to listen to her respiration.

“Uneven,” he said seemingly to himself.

The room became crowded and loud as the other pack members joined us, all calling to Emily, checking she was okay.

“Out, all of you now,” Carlisle demanded, then raised his voice to a shout as they ignored him. “Get out now!”

I felt an unyielding force pushing me against the wall; pinning my hands to my side as it held me in place. Looking around the room I saw everyone, but Esme and Emily, were all in similar positions against the wall.

“It’s okay,” Esme crooned, smoothing Bella’s hair. “They’re okay, you can stop now.”

Stop what?

Among the hubbub of confusion and anger, I felt a strong wave of fear from Bella. 

_‘Help me!’_ Her heart was speeding its irregular pace.

I had no idea how I was to help her from here so I did the only thing I could think of. I sent a wave of calm at her and her heart instantly slowed. The force holding me back vanished.

“What the fuck was that?” Emmett said, echoing the thoughts of us all.

“No time,” said Carlisle distractedly. He was looking at the readout from Bella’s monitor with a furrowed brow. “Rosalie?” he seemed to be asking her a question, though what it was, I had no idea.

“I don’t think we have a choice,” she replied. “Can we do it?”

 _‘DO WHAT’_ Bella asked. I repeated the question. ‘ _No change! No change!’_ She was frantic and her heart rate climbed once again.

“We are going to start the ECMO now,” Carlisle said gently.

“But I thought you needed help,” Esme said. “Other doctors.”

“I do, but Emily and Rosalie can assist.”

Now Rosalie’s words made sense. We didn’t have a choice; it was this or nothing.

Carlisle sprang into action ushering the wolves from the room, ignoring Sam’s protests.

“Emily, I trust you know how to scrub in?” he asked. She nodded and Alice led her to the bathroom.

“Jasper, keep her calm and quiet. Bella, I need you to relax for me; we are going to help you. Emmett, I will need your help,” he said and they carried the boxes stacked in the hall through to the makeshift OR.

This all felt so wrong. The way he had talked about it before made me think this was a dangerous procedure, needing careful planning. Now it seemed he was planning to do it with a trainee nurse and vampire that had not completed a day of residency.

_‘Jasper?’_

“I’m here,” I took her hand and squeezed it gently.

_‘I’m scared.’_

So was I, but I forced confidence into my tone as I spoke. “You’ll be fine; Carlisle knows what he’s doing. How about we talk about your new party trick.”

 _‘I couldn’t stop it. It just happened.' S_ he was becoming anxious again and I sent her another wave of calm.

“Don’t worry about that now, we can talk about it later.”

I listened to Carlisle’s voice as he explained the procedure to Emily. She was nervous, but there was a hard streak of determination beneath that made me feel a little better.

Carlisle came back into the room. He was dressed in scrubs, his hair hidden beneath a cap. “Okay, Bella, we are ready to do this. Do you have any questions?”

_‘No change. Promise?’_

His face fell into lines of sadness, but he promised her anyway.

“See you real soon,” I said, releasing her hand.

_‘No change.'_

“No change,” I vowed, kissing her forehead.

I walked down to the lounge. Esme was sitting on the couch holding a hand to her neck. I sat beside her and gently pulled her hand away to examine the wound. It wasn’t too deep, but must still have hurt like hell.

“Have you got the piece?” I asked.

Esme opened her left hand to show me the chunk Victoria had bitten from her.

“This may sting a little,” I warned.. 

She hissed through gritted teeth as I pressed the piece against the wound. I took her hand and held it against her neck. “Hold it there for a moment; it won’t take long to fuse.”

I heard impatient voices outside in the yard and looked to Esme in confusion.

“The wolves,” she explained. “They are waiting for news of Bella. Alice and Emmett are taking the delivery van from the drive and setting it up to look like an accident down the road. What happened out there, Jasper? Victoria said you were dead.”

“She lied.”

I couldn’t tell her the details of the fight, as I felt horribly guilty about it now. I had taken pleasure in the destruction and all the while she was here fighting Victoria alone. “What happened here?” 

“She tricked me. I heard the van crash and ran to help them without thinking. She ran back here and… oh God. Jasper, she would have killed Bella. I was too slow, I couldn’t stop her.”

“What did stop her though? I don’t understand.”

“Bella did. That force you felt earlier when she was scared, I don’t know how, but it was her. She shielded herself and Emily; neither Victoria nor I could get to her. It nearly killed her though. Her heart was going too fast and the barrier only dropped when her heart failed. We can’t let her get scared like that again.”

“What the hell are we going to do?” I asked. Speaking more to myself than to her.

This was such a fucked up mess, what if Bella got scared again and kept us outside of the shield. We would just stand and watch her die. There was only so much a human body could take.

As if to illustrate my thoughts Bella’s heart sped for a moment and then settled into a steady rhythm again.

“Let’s take a look at your war wound,” I said with a forced smile.

She eased her hand away and I ran my finger across the skin. It had fused neatly, but there was a faint scar left, only visible to a vampire’s eyesight.

“You have your very own battle scar now,” I teased rolling up the sleeves on my shirt to expose some of my own. Esme ran a finger over one of the raised ridges on my forearm.

“Jasper,” she said hesitantly. “How did it feel when you were fighting the newborns?”

I turned to look her in the eye. She was uncomfortable asking, but there was desperation in her eyes that made me realize the reason behind her question.

“You enjoyed it didn’t you?” I said shrewdly.

She dropped her head into her hands. “Yes.” It came out muffled and distorted. “I was so angry, and her pain felt so…”

“Good?” I suggested, and she nodded. “That’s natural, Esme. She was a threat and you destroyed her. I felt the same way fighting the newborns today; we all did with the exception of Carlisle, and if he had been facing Victoria I am sure even he would have taken pleasure from it.”

She looked at me gratefully, but anything she was going to say was halted by Emmett’s reappearance.

“It’s done. They hit a tree a mile down the freeway. Nobody saw us setting it up, but we had a hard time making it look like the windshield had cut that guy’s throat. Victoria did a real number on him.”

Esme flinched and I shot Emmett an admonishing look.

‘Oops,’ he mouthed soundlessly then slipped back out of the door.

“There is nothing you could have done, Esme. If there is blame to be assigned it is mine. I never imagined Victoria would come to the house.”

“It is not your fault either,” Alice said coming to join us. “It is Victoria’s fault. She made the choices that led us all here. She killed all those people, she created the newborns, she–“

“Damn!” I shouted. “The newborns, Bree and Diego. What are we going to do about them?”

“Nothing. They are not a threat; they didn’t fight us.” Seeing Esme’s confusion Alice explained about the two newborns that we had been speaking with when Jared brought us news of Victoria’s attack.

“So they were mates?” she asked.

“I think so. They were certainly very close,” I said, confused by Esme’s happy expression. 

“So, it’s not all bad then,” she said wistfully. “They get their chance at forever together after all.”

It was a nice idea; I hoped some good could come from Victoria’s cruelty.

We fell silent. Emmett, Sam and Jared joined us after a while and we sat listening to the hushed voices and stirrings of movement as Carlisle worked on Bella.

“Wait for it,” Carlisle said eventually. The predominant emotion coming from the room upstairs was tension. After a moment there was a flood of relief so intense it made me a little lightheaded. 

“Carlisle?” Esme called up to him.

“It’s okay. She’s okay,” he said, his voice a little unsteady. “Give us a moment and you can all come up.”

I jumped to my feet pacing at the bottom of the stairs.

“Did he mean _all_ as in us too?” Jared asked hopefully.

“I don’t see why not,” Esme replied fondly. “Just give us a moment with her and then you can come on up.”

Jared nodded happily. The wolves had risked a lot for us, the least we could do was allow them to see the person they had been fighting for.

Emily came down the stairs and moved straight into Sam’s waiting arms. She clung to him for a moment, then lifted her head from his chest to look at us. “She’s all set up now, you can…”

I didn’t wait for her to finish. I shot up the stairs, the others hot on my heels. I was desperate to see her, but more than that was the fact I could feel her emotions creeping in again. I wanted to be there to reassure her.

Carlisle met us in the hall, holding his hand up to halt us. “There is blood. A lot of blood. Be certain you can handle it before you go in there.”

I took a tentative breath and immediately understood what he meant. The scent of blood was thick in the air. Emmett let out a low growl and Carlisle pointed back down the hall.

“Hunt,” he commanded, “You too, Alice,” he added, seeing her eyes darken.

Rosalie slipped out of the room and took Emmett’s hand; effectively cutting off his protests.

Carlisle stared at Esme and I for a moment, looking for any sign of weakness. Seeing none he moved aside letting us into the room. I froze at the door for a split second as I took in the scene.

Bella looked even worse than she had before, her skin was ashen, even her lips were pale. There was a gauze pad on her neck with two tubes protruding from it.

Seeing my horror Carlisle hastened to reassure me. “She’s okay, her color will return. She’s been through a lot in the last couple of hours.”

_‘Understatement.’_

Bella’s words forced a laugh from me. She may look like an extra from a Hammer Horror movie, but it was still her inside.

“How do you feel, Bella?” Carlisle asked.

_‘I’m fine.’_

The old familiar line brought a smile to his lips. We had all heard her profess to be fine after some stumble or trip at least a dozen times as Edward fussed over her.

“Try again,” I suggested. “You aren’t fooling anyone.”

_‘Tired. Chest hurts.'_

“You have broken ribs,” Carlisle said. “I will give you some more pain relief.”

Esme moaned guiltily.

 _‘Esme, okay?’_ Bella asked.

“She’s fine. She’s just feeling guilty about the ribs is all.”

_‘Stupid.’_

“I know!” I agreed, amused. “She fought Victoria off while wounded, then saved your life. If you ask me, a few broken ribs are the least of her worries.”

 _‘Wounded! Where? She okay?’_ Bella’s emotions were panicked.

“I’m fine,” Esme soothed. “Barely left a scar.”

_‘Show me.'_

“Huh?” I blurted stupidly.

Esme apparently understood. She knelt at the side of Bella’s bed, mindful of the additional tubes attached to her, and lifted Bella’s hand to her neck.

“Can you feel it?” she asked running Bella’s fingers over the scar. 

_‘Yes.’_

“See, it’s fine now,” Esme soothed, replacing Bella’s hand on the sheet. “I’m fine, and so are you.”

I could hear Sam and Jared talking in low whispers in the lounge. They were impatient to see Bella and were also growing suspicious about the conversation they could hear.

“Bella, we are going to have to tell the wolves about you being aware,” I said.

_‘Figures.’_

“I’ll go speak to them,” Esme said, darting from the room. I heard her explanations and their shocked reactions.

“So you mean she can talk to us?” Jared said incredulously.

“In a fashion yes,” Esme said. “Jasper will have to translate it for you, but she can communicate.”

“Can we see her now?” Sam asked.

“Hold your horses!” Emmett’s deep voice came from outside the house. “I’m her brother and I am going to be talking to her first.”

He thundered up the stairs and after receiving Carlisle’s inspection he came into the room.

“Gee, Bella, add a couple of bolts in the neck and you’ll be Frankenstein’s Monster. We need to keep an eye on Carlisle. If he shows signs of building a lightning tower on the roof we’re going to need to have a little chat with him.” 

“Emmett!” Esme gasped.

Bella was radiating so much amusement if she had been awake she would have been insensible with hysterics.

Alice and Rosalie entered the room, Rose moved straight to Bella’s side and checked the machine and Alice came to stand beside me.

It was the perfect moment of family togetherness and I reveled in everyone’s positive emotions.


	33. It's For You

**Jasper POV**

_‘Read that one again.’_

“Explore medicine as a profession from medical ethics to the biology of disease, Study gross anatomy, histology, physiology, and microbiology in the virtual laboratory. Visit the human anatomy lab for an up close view of the brain, lungs, liver, and other anatomical…”

_‘That’s the one. Virtual lab. No blood!’_

“Bella, I’m still not sure about this.”

_‘I am. You can do it. Fill out the forms!’_

“But–“

 _‘NOW,’_ she demanded.

She had been doing a lot of demanding lately. Especially when it came to me and my further education.

It had been three weeks since the day of the newborn fight and Bella was stronger than ever. The ECMO had taken the strain from her weakened body and left her able to direct us all like a General on a battlefield.

I had merely mentioned the fact that I was _considering_ studying medicine, some time in the future, and she had immediately ordered me to bring the laptop to research PreMed courses online.

Carlisle watched from the door, smiling broadly, as she instructed me to search prospectus after prospectus looking for the ‘right’ course.

“Bella!” Emmett called from the kitchen where he was practicing his cooking skills, with Bella’s assistance. “This isn’t working! I did exactly what the recipe said, but the chicken is still as pale as you.”

 _‘Cayenne Pepper,’_ she instructed and I called the message down to him.

“How much?” he bellowed.

_‘Just a light dusting… Actually Jasper, you better go help him. He’ll pour the entire jar on.’_

Grateful for the reprieve from Drillmaster Swan and her higher education plans, I sprang to my feet and headed down to the kitchen.

 _‘Come right back though,’_ she called and I laughed.

“Yes, ma’am.”

I quickly showed Emmett the right amount of pepper to use, then leant against the counter watching him work, soaking in the positive emotions. He was happy here; the activity that had once been his way of keeping Bella in his thoughts while we were away, was now something he shared with her. 

_‘Jasper!’_

“Coming.” I trudged back up the stairs with Emmett’s gales of laughter following me.

Carlisle was waiting outside the door as I made my way to Bella. He was still smiling, but was now radiating pride rather than amusement. I looked at him questioningly.

“I’m proud of you, Jasper,” he said sincerely. “I know it is just an online course, but I have faith that you will be able to complete the process. Another MD in the family.”

“Not a practicing one though.”

“Not yet, but you never know. One day you may be able to. Think how much your control has improved since this time last year.”

“Yes, but that is because of Bella. If not for what happened I’d still be in the same position.”

“Don’t sell yourself short, you have done extremely well.” He clasped my shoulder then left me to my confused thoughts.

Though he had never said it aloud, I knew my poor control had been a source of worry for him before. To hear him say he was proud of me made me happier than I could have imagined. 

“Okay then, Bella. You want me to do the course, you can help with the essay questions,” I said grinning, as I took my seat beside her.

Maybe this med school thing wasn’t so crazy after all…

xXx

**Alice POV**

“Are you sure about this Bella? I can’t see what Sam will say and I don’t want to offend anyone.”

Bella had ‘encouraged’ me to approach Sam Uley about helping him set up a garage on the outskirts of town. Sam, along with a couple of the other pack members, had an interest in mechanics, and she wanted me to offer to use my tips on the stock market to help them. Apparently Sam had found a grant program to help, but he had to find the same amount in capital for it to be awarded.

_‘I’m sure. He’s proud, but not stupid. Go talk to him, and tell Jared to visit too.’_

“Fine,” I said with mock severity. “But if I end up getting my ass chewed by them, I’m blaming you.”

_‘Sounds fair. Now go!’_

I called Sam and asked him to meet me at the boundary line. He was initially worried that it meant bad news, but once I explained I had a proposition for him he agreed to meet me.

“I’m going to see the wolves,” I called.

There was a chorus of, ‘Okay,’ and ‘have fun’ from the rest of the family.

I considered the change in our family since the newborn fight. Before, if one of us had announced they were off to see the wolves, it would have been met with incredulous enquiries about the person’s sanity. Now it was as if werewolves and vampires were natural allies rather than foes. Admittedly, their scent was still as offensive as ever. But, as mortal enemies go, they were a decent bunch.

Sam, Jared and Quil were waiting for me at the boundary line. Dressed only in their usual cutoff jeans.

“Hi, Guys.” I jumped from a tree and landed a few feet from them.

“Alice.” Sam nodded. “What can we do for you?”

“Actually, it’s more what _I_ can do for _you_ ,” I said, then explained Bella’s plan. Their expressions went from uncertainty, to interest, then to excitement.

“So, you want to lend us the money to set up a garage?” Sam clarified.

“No. I want to lend you some money, invest it in the stock exchange, so you can use the profits to set up a garage.”

“You can really do that?” Quil asked. “I mean your vision things work like that?”

“Of course they do,” I rolled my eyes. “So what do you think?”

“I think we owe you big time,” Sam said happily.

“Great, I’ll get that organized. Jared, Bella has requested your presence. Want to race me back?”

His face split into a huge grin. “Hell yeah!”

xXx

**Rosalie POV**

“I don’t think I can!” I said quietly.

 _‘I know you can_. _’_

Jasper was sitting in the corner reading one of Carlisle’s medical tomes. Though he was projecting Bella’s emotions to me, he didn’t seem to be paying the slightest attention to our conversation.

“What if I say something wrong?”

_‘You mean what if you revert to Rosabitch?’_

“Yes,” I scoffed. “Have I mentioned how much I hate that name?”

_‘Sorry.’_

Judging by the smile quirking at the corners of Jasper’s mouth she wasn’t in the least bit sorry.

_‘You can do it. You know how this feels. You can help them.’_

Bella’s latest plan was for me to volunteer with a women’s crisis care helpline. It would mean me taking calls at the house through a diverted number to counsel women that had been the victims of domestic abuse.

Emmett had coined the phrase _Operation: Real World_ for her plots, as she seemed determined to make us more active participants in the human world.

The phone in my hand began ringing and I dropped it in my panic.

“Oh crap! It’s ringing. What do I do?"

_‘Answer it. Help them.’_

Her confidence bolstered me and I answered the phone. “Women’s Crisis Counseling. My name is Rose…”

I felt a wave of calm wash over me that had nothing to do with Jasper’s gift. I could do this.

I could help them.

xXx

**Jared POV**

I ran toward the big white house; my stomach churning with excitement.

I didn’t bother to knock; I was a regular visitor here now. Alice was helping us with the garage and they had long since told me to come straight in.

I called a hurried greeting to Carlisle and Esme, who were sitting on the couch reading together, and barreled up the stairs.

“I think you’ve got a visitor Bella,” Jasper said as I entered the room. “Jared.” He responded to an unheard question.

“Did you know?” I asked her excitedly. “Did you know what would happen?”

“What did happen?” Jasper asked. The slow rhythm of his words told me he was translating for Bella. “I told you to go to school. You need to graduate.”

“I know that,” I said happily. “But when I got there I met her. She’s the one Bella. I swear I have never felt anything like it. She is my everything!” I sounded like a lovesick fool, but I didn’t care. I had only agreed to go to school to satisfy Bella, but the moment I saw Kim, my world shifted. I never knew such happiness was possible.

“You imprinted?” Jasper asked.

“I did. Her name is Kim and she is _the_ most beautiful girl I have ever seen. She’s new, moved from the Makah reservation.”

Jasper sent a wave of joy that fed my own, making me positively giddy. He nodded toward Bella indicating that the emotion was hers.

“Thank you, Bella, thank you so much,” I said squeezing her hand.

“Anytime.” Jasper said, allowing me to feel her happiness.

xXx

**Carlisle POV**

_‘Where’s Carlisle?’_

“He’s right here.”

_‘How does he look?’_

Jasper examined me with the concentration of a farmer at market day. I half expected him to grip my jaw and check my teeth.

“Serious?” he said finally.

_‘How does he feel?’_

I chortled.

“Well, he was frustrated and a little sad. But now that I have finished assessing him for you, he’s amused.”

_‘What’s wrong?’_

“I am fine, sweetheart. I’ve just been having a few problems with this batch of tests,” I said.

 _‘Tell me,’ s_ he said. And I did.

It was Bella’s idea for me to work on research while I was taking a sabbatical from actual medicine. She realized I needed something to focus on other than her after I took her blood pressure for the fifth time in an hour.

I had not known where to focus my study, but she had heard about the H1N1 virus through a radio broadcast and had encouraged me to research it further. She knew it was an area of interest for me due to the personal nature of the 1918 pandemic.

Though we never broached the subject I believed, like me, she was thinking of Edward and how his human life and family had been taken from him. 

I was careful to never expose Bella to the specimens I was working with, but she had become a wonderful sounding board – with Jasper’s assistance – for my ideas.

We spent an hour discussing my difficulties, and though there was no moment of epiphany I felt re-energized and was able to return to my work with a lighter heart.

xXx

**Esme POV**

“The carnations and hydrangeas are in bloom, and the lilies are just starting to open," I said. “The carnations are the most beautiful shade of pink, and the hydrangeas are a very soft lilac.”

_‘Sounds nice. What about the birds?’_

”They finally found the second feeder. You were right; that new style is much more effective at deterring squirrels.”

_‘The nest boxes?’_

“Nothing yet, but they will come, don’t worry,”

The bird garden had become a joint project between Bella and I. Originally it was designed as somewhere for Renee’s ashes to be placed and a small memorial designed. It had now become so much more.

Bella had been the one to suggest we add bird feeders. Renee had always envied the birds their freedom. Her ashes were now placed in a crafted planter and surrounded by flowers and various feeders.

This had led to our other project. I had been ordered to the cemetery to check Charlie’s plot. It was neat and tidy, the pack took good care of it, but I noticed how many other plots there were that were not so cared for.

I made enquiries and discovered that most of them were for families that had left the area or were the last of their line so there was nobody to tend to them.

It was a sad sight. Without Carlisle’s intervention I would have been in a grave just like this; with no family to tend it I would have been forgotten too.

Bella had ‘suggested’ I make it my job to attend to them myself.

 _‘Think how nice it could look,’_ she had said, and she was right. The cemetery was now a riot of color and a few other ladies from the town had begun joining me in my gardening sessions.

Through Bella I had found a way to honor those that had passed. It made me happy to think that these people now had a living, flowering, memorial rather than the weeds and moss they had before.

 _‘What about your greenhouse?’_ Bella asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

“The tomatoes and peppers are ready, and I am preparing the herbs for planting now.”

_‘Remember to-”_

“Crush the mint and bring it to you?” I laughed. “I haven’t forgotten, Bella, don’t you worry.”

_‘Thank you.'_

There was a certain wistfulness in her reply that made me sad. What I wouldn’t give to be sharing this all with her properly; to be working alongside her in the garden.

I had hope though, and I wasn’t the only one. None of us spoke of it, but I felt sure they believed, as did I, that this new interest in our daily activities meant she was wavering in her decision.

Carlisle said it would be difficult because of the ECMO, but she could still be changed. I imagined how it would feel to have my daughter back with me completely; able to run and laugh and enjoy life with us all.

She was coming around to the idea, I was sure of it.

xXx

**Emmett POV**

“I got it. I got it. I got it!” I sang happily bounding into Bella’s room.

_‘About time! Read it to me.’_

I shook open the envelope with flourish. “Dear Mr. Cullen, Let me congratulate you on the behalf of the University of Washington. You have been selected for the admission in the course of Counseling Psychology… you are awesome… blah, blah, blah… can’t wait to see you… blah, blah, blah… I got in!” I finished at a bellow.

 _‘Well done.' H_ er happiness was making Jasper grin stupidly. _‘I knew you could.’_

“I didn’t,” I said honestly. “If you hadn’t forced me I wouldn’t even have applied.”

_‘You should trust me. Did you tell Rose yet?’_

“No, not yet,” I said uncomfortably.

The whole reason I was doing this was for Rosalie, and I was worried about how she would react. Since she started volunteering with the counseling charity, she had been immersed in the work. Spending hours talking to the women and researching counseling techniques.

I wanted to be able to help her with her work. But I also wanted to be able to help _her_. I knew she still held a lot of pain from what had happened to her. If I could understand it a little better maybe I could help.

_‘Tell her. She will be happy.’_

“I’ll tell her later. Right now we have more important things to discuss.”

_‘We do?’_

“Yep. It’s your birthday in a couple of weeks, how shall we celebrate?”

Jasper shot me a harsh look, evidently feeling that this was a subject best left alone seeing as how her last birthday had ended. I knew better though...

 _‘Theme park?’_ Bella suggested.

Jasper stared at her incredulously, then a smile stole over his face as he understood. What was the fun in planning things we could really do, when imagination was so much more fun?

“You’re thinking too small, Bella,” Jasper said critically. “You’re going to be nineteen after all, we need to make it special. How about Disney World?”

_‘Awesome!’_

“Disney World?” I scoffed. “That’s dull as hell. How about a round the world cruise?”

 _‘Already seen it,’_ Bella said. _‘More ideas please.’_

“Hot air balloon ride?”

“Skiing!”

“Swimming with Dolphins,” Carlisle called from the lounge.

“Kew Gardens,” Esme said.

“Milan." Alice shouted from the depths of her closet.

“What are we doing?” Rosalie asked as she joined us.

_‘Planning my birthday.’_

“Oh, well there is only one option for that, Bella. We are Cullens after all."

_‘Which is?’_

“The Moon,” Rosalie said.

There was a beat of silence before we all burst into hysterical laughter. Bella was feeding Jasper her amusement, which he in turn, was sending to us all.

“What’s this, Em?” Rosalie asked, when the hysterics had settled to weak giggles. She was holding my acceptance letter, her eyes widened as she read it. She looked up at me in astonishment. ”Are you really doing this?”

“If you don’t like the idea, I don’t have to,” I said hesitantly. “I just wanted to help, I thought maybe I–”

The rest of my words were cut off as she threw her arms around my neck and clung to me.

“Oh, Emmett. I am thrilled you want to help.” She kissed me passionately. Breaking away she stared into my eyes. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” I said.

 _‘Told you so,’_ Bella said through a wave of smugness.

xXx

**Jasper POV**

I was sitting with Bella. Reading aloud from one of the textbooks that had arrived with my acceptance pack. The others were all out hunting and we were enjoying a quiet afternoon together.

Bella was quiet today, her emotions thoughtful and serene. I suspected she was going to need to rest soon. Her efforts in _Operation: Real World_ were tiring her out. Though they did keep us - and her - entertained.

The change in us all over the last two months alone was immense; Rosalie had her support line. Alice was helping the wolves set up their garage. Carlisle was researching, Esme had her flowers and new friends. And Emmett and I were preparing to go back to school. For someone in a coma, Bella was quite the motivator.

I felt a wave of lethargy from her, mixed with resolve. I wondered what her ever active mind had decided now. Maybe she was going to try and persuade me to take up dance classes. Nothing would surprise me anymore.

_‘I’m tired, Jasper.’_

“I know, darlin’, you have a rest. I’ll be right here.”

_‘No, I mean I’m really tired. I think it’s time to go now.’_


	34. I'm So Tired

**Jasper POV**

Cold horror surged through me; potent as an electric shock.

“No! You don’t mean that! You _can’t_ mean that!”

She didn’t respond, and I had to fight the urge to shake her.

“Bella, please.”

 _‘Tired now.’_ The letters came slowly, sluggishly. ‘ _You promised.’_

Dammit all I had. We had all promised her we’d let her go when it was time, but it wasn’t time yet. It couldn’t be. I wasn’t ready.

“Please, Bella, just a little more time. Let us bring Edward home; Alice can find him and you can talk.”

_‘Not fair. Guilt.’_

“It’s not guilt dammit. He would want to be here if he knew. He loves you. I _know_ he does.”

No matter how many times we had tried to tell her that Edward left for her own protection, she still didn’t believe us.

 _‘Rest now.’_ Her emotions switched to the void calm that even after all this time made me uncomfortable.

The steady rush of the machine beside the bed hummed on and I stared at it. It was the only thing keeping her here, alive. A simple flick of a switch and she’d be gone. Not just a temporary emotional void, but a permanent void. Gone from the world.

No! I couldn’t let that happen.

I heard the sound of racing footsteps as the family returned. How was I going to tell them? How could I tell them that Bella was ready to go?

“Hi, honey, we’re home!” Emmett called out. He rushed up the stairs laughing, closely followed by Alice.

“Bella, you should have seen the size of the bear I got," he said excitedly. “It was as big as a minivan, I swear! Don’t look at me like that, it was!”

“She’s sleeping, Em,” I said quietly.

“Well damn, I hadn’t even got to the best part yet. Never mind I’ll tell her later.”

Later? If Bella had her way there may not be a later.

“Jasper, what’s wrong?” Alice asked, catching sight of my tortured expression.

“Downstairs.” I kissed Bella on the forehead, and led them to the lounge.

Esme and Carlisle were sitting on the loveseat reading together, as we entered the room they looked up.

“How was your afternoon?” Esme asked. “Is Bella okay?”

“Where’s Rose?” I asked, ignoring her questions altogether. She’d hear all about my afternoon soon enough.

“She’s just taking a shower,” Carlisle said. “Is Bella okay? Do I need to check on her?”

“She’s resting now, but physically she’s the same.”

“What’s going on?” Rosalie came into the lounge; her hair still damp.

I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the onslaught of emotion. “Bella has said it’s time.”

Such simple words, but the effect of them was intense.

“No!”

“She can’t mean it.”

“What do we do?”

“Are you sure that’s what she meant?”

The words assaulted me, but the emotions were far worse. It was like being hit by a wrecking ball of pain, shock and fear.

“She told me she was ready. She reminded me that we promised. I said we’d find Edward, but she’s still stuck on what he said to her. She doesn’t believe that he cares.”

Emmett cursed harshly. “I could kill him! I could rip him limb from limb and–”

“That’s enough, Emmett,” Carlisle said.

Emmett turned to him, incredulous. “You can’t possibly be defending him now!”

“I am not defending anyone, but now is not the time for anger. We need to decide what we are going to do.”

“What _can_ we do?” Rosalie asked. “We promised.”

“You want her to die!” Alice said horrified.

“Of course I don’t; I love Bella, but we all promised.”

“We need Edward back,” Esme said with certainty. “If he was here–”

“If he was here we’d probably be in the same situation,” Carlisle said sadly. “Bella has decided. It is more than just Edward leaving, she has been through so much, too much. If Edward came back the best we could hope for would be for him to have a chance to see her. They couldn’t even communicate without Jasper’s help”

“But maybe if he was here…” Esme trailed off, there was nothing that could be said.

We all knew this day would come, and yet somehow none of us really accepted it. We had thought we were immune to the realities. That somehow Bella could be persuaded to change her mind. That there would be some eleventh hour intervention, and we would all get our happily ever after. We were wrong.

“Alice?” Rosalie’s worried tone pulled me from my thoughts. Alice was having a vision.

She came back to the present with a gasp, and just like the day she had the vision of Bella in the hospital she was only able to say one word.

“Edward.”

Just like that day, it was Emmett that reacted first. “What about him?” He seized her arm roughly; this time I didn’t protest.

“He’s coming to Forks, he’s coming back to Bella.”

“How does he know?” Emmett asked.

“He doesn’t. I told you he was fighting the pull to come back to her, well he just lost the fight. He’s on his way to SeaTac now.”

“We need to meet him,” Esme said worriedly. “If he gets into town and hears about Bella and Charlie before we tell him…”

“Yeah, last thing we need now is an Edward tantrum in Main Street,” Emmett snorted.

“Okay. Alice, Emmett, you go to the airport and meet him. Make him hunt. Emmett, you may need to restrain him, the scent of the blood will be difficult for him to handle,” Carlisle said. “Jasper and I will wait for you at the end of the drive. Jasper, do you think you will be able to keep him calm while I speak to him?”

“If I can’t I will incapacitate him sufficiently that he won’t pose a threat to her,” I said harshly.

Esme gasped, but Carlisle nodded his understanding.

“If that is necessary, I will aid you.” He turned to Esme. “Edward can heal, Bella cannot. If she is resolved in her choice I will keep my promise and aid her passing. But it will be painless and peaceful; it will _not_ be the result of Edward losing control of his bloodlust.”

I was shocked, but pleased to hear him say this.

“Do you need me here too or would I be more use helping them with Edward?” Rosalie asked, looking after Emmett and Alice who had headed out to the garage. 

“You go with them,” Carlisle said. “If Bella wakes we will tell her the rest of you are still hunting. It will buy us a little time at least.” 

She nodded her agreement. A moment later the purr of an engine could be heard moving out of the garage and along the drive.

“We need to keep Bella as calm and quiet as possible,” Carlisle said. “If she wakes we will speak to her, but let’s pray she doesn’t.”

I hoped if she could speak to Edward she could be made to understand, if not we could at least allow them the chance to say goodbye.

xXx

**Edward POV**

_0_ _days 0 hours 3 minutes. Forks. Washington._

“Edward, please come back, please!”

I could hear her stumbling along the path; sobs racking her body.

_I’m sorry Bella. I love you too much to stay._

I fought my own sobs as I ran from her. From my heart.

_Please forgive me_

_xXx_

_14 Days, 6 hours 48 minutes. Kane County. Utah_

“Please come home, Edward. It’s not too late; we can all go back and take care of her together,” Alice begged.

I gritted my teeth. “I _am_ taking care of her by staying away, Alice. Now have you seen anything more of Victoria?” It was the reason I had called after all.

“No, nothing. Esme is coming she wants to speak to you too.”

I snapped the phone shut. I loved Esme, but her pleas would be harder to ignore that Alice’s and I didn’t want to hurt her more. Better to let Alice tell her I had been cut off than to refuse her.

_This was for Bella, all for Bella._

_xXx_

_21 days 17 hours 45 minutes. Houston Texas._

I went to a street café and ordered coffee to give me time to use their internet access to check the local news reports. I was looking for details of missing persons or suspicious deaths.

My efforts to track Victoria had so far been useless. I thought I had caught her scent at the New Mexico border, but she had eluded me.

The pull to return to Bella was growing stronger by the day; a near constant ache in my chest that I knew could only be eased by her presence.

Seeing nothing of interest I shut the laptop and left the café. I thought of my Bella, wondering what she was doing at this very moment, what _we_ would be doing if I was still there.

 _No._ I scolded myself. _You cannot go back, you can never go back._

_xXx_

_23 days 1 hour 39 minutes. Houston Texas._

I moved through the airport at a fast human pace. She had been here; her scent was still fresh. I traced it to the departures gate and checked the flight details. _Rio de Janeiro._

“Excuse me, sir, can I see your boarding pass.” A female voice called behind me.

I spun on my heel and heard the shock in her thoughts as she took in my expression and dark eyes. I immediately schooled my features into embarrassed innocence.

“I’m afraid I don’t have one,” I said smoothly.

“Oh, well the gate is now closed for that flight. If you go to the desk in the lobby they will be able to advise you further.”

 _Please go,_ she chanted in her thoughts. _Get away from me._ She was not convinced by my easy smile; I had scared her.

“Thank you,” I said hurriedly, and walked away as she sighed in relief.

Finding the appropriate ticket desk I purchased a ticket for the next flight out.

 _I am coming for you, Victoria._

_xXx_

 _47 days 18 hours 55 minutes. Maracanã, Rio de Janeiro_

I had lost her.

I wasn’t even sure she had been in Rio in the first place, there was no trace of her scent when my flight came in. She had tricked me.

The pain in my chest was almost unbearable; the only thing stopping me running to the airport and getting a flight to Washington was the knowledge that she was safe.

_She could never be safe with me in her life._

_xXx_

_51 days, 4 hours, 7 minutes. Santa Cruz. Rio de Janeiro_

I had to get inside, the sun was coming up and I had been caught unaware. A sure sign of my distraction.

Slipping through the backstreets of the slums I found an empty building and made my way inside. Now I was under cover the urgency of the situation was removed, and my footsteps became heavy again.

Slowly I plodded up the stairs to an old attic apartment. It was abandoned and judging by the scent of mildew in the air it had been for quite some time.

I dropped my bag onto the floor and looked out of the cracked window pane at the _Cristo Redentor_ statue. It told a lie, there was no redemption for me.

The pain in my chest seared and I fell onto the bed, curling my knees to my chest. Letting the misery take me.

_Bella, I lied. I love you so much._

_xXx_

_342 days 6 hours 54 minutes._

My eyes snapped opened and I surveyed the dark room. Nothing had changed; everything was exactly the same, but somehow it felt wrong.

I jumped to my feet in a smooth fluid movement, my mind told me I should be stiff from spending so long curled in that position, but for all the difference it made to my body I could have just sat down minutes ago.

My throat was burning with thirst, but it was nothing compared to the pain in my heart. I rubbed my chest absentmindedly as I picked up my bag and made my way down the stairs.

_Just hunting; this is the right thing do to, the responsible thing._

I recognized the need to hunt for the protection of others even if it would do little to soothe my internal pain. I made my way through the dark streets and when I gained the freedom of the Tijuca National Park I broke into a run. The hunting here was varied and even through my distraction I felt a jolt of excitement when I caught the scent of a jaguar.

I traced the scent to a small stream leading away from a waterfall where the majestic animal was lapping at the water. My mouth pooled with venom and with one lithe movement I sprang. Snapping its neck, I sank my teeth into the flesh and felt the warm, spicy blood filling me. It was exquisite, but there was not nearly enough of it.

Once I had drained it I inhaled deeply, raking the trees with my eyes, looking for another. There was no more jaguar, but there were deer and wolves, I took them down one after the other.

Finally sated, I buried the carcasses of my kill and examined my clothes. They were filthy and torn, long past saving. I stripped them off and jumped into the pool at the base of the waterfall. Scrubbing the blood and months of accumulated dirt from my skin I considered what to do next. I could go back to the attic, curl up and let life carry on without me, but it felt wrong. Something was tugging at my mind as if I had forgotten a vital appointment.

I climbed out of the water and used my tattered clothes to dry myself, I had a reasonably clean pair of jeans and shirt at the bottom of my rucksack and I pulled them on, noting the blank face of my cell phone. The battery had died long ago and I hadn’t even thought of charging it. I’d stopped answering the family’s calls months ago and felt a stab of guilt for the worry I must have caused them, especially Esme.

The guilt combined with the nagging sensation in my mind made it clear what I had to do next. I needed to go home. It would be good to be among the family again, they would help me cope with Bella’s absence, and with them I would at least have distraction.

_Home to them. NOT Bella. Never Bella._

I directed my steps toward the city airport, careful not to make any definite decisions so as to be able to surprise them. If I focused on the airport and not the destination Alice would be unable to see my choice.

When I arrived at the departures board I found the flight I needed and queued patiently at the ticket desk, trying to articulate an apology for Esme and the others to explain my selfish behavior. They would understand; they had their mates with them, they knew the force of the bond. If they would help me I felt sure I could be strong in my resolve to stay away from Bella; though Alice may be a problem.

“Next please,” the man at the ticket desk called, and I looked up to see he was waiting for me. I stepped forward apologizing to the tutting humans behind me.

“One way to…” I trailed off. I knew where I was going: Ithaca. That was where the family were and even if they had moved on they would have left word there for me. But the words failed to come.

“To?” the man said impatiently.

“Seattle!” I blurted without thinking. “I need a one way ticket to SeaTac please.”

As soon as the words left my mouth I felt a wave of intense relief and the persistent niggle in my mind disappeared.

 _Bella, I’m coming home._


	35. You Know What To Do

**Edward POV**

My heart lifted as the plane descended into SeaTac airport. I was almost there.

It had been all I could do to appear calm and collected during the flight; I desperately wanted to pace the aisles, shouting to all that I was going back to my love. Instead, I sat staring out of the window thinking of all the things I wanted to say to her. The apologies and explanations that I could not form for Esme, flew through my mind with ease for Bella.

I knew she would be shocked to see me, she may have created a new life for herself in the almost twelve months I had been away, she might have a new love. That thought burned me, but it was what I had wanted after all, for her to have a human life. If she sent me away I would not go; I would remain in the shadows, protecting her from afar.

I worried that she may not be there, it was time for her to start college. She was a good student and I imagined she’d had plenty of choices. I pictured her excited face as she visited campuses and decided on a major. I had missed so much, but I would make it up to her. If she took me back we could go to college together. The rich wonderful life ahead of her made me equal parts envious and excited; she could do anything, be anything, there was nothing holding her back.

The plane landed and I waited impatiently for the seatbelt light to switch off. As soon as it did I jumped to my feet, pulled my rucksack from the overhead locker, and made my way to the door. I cleared customs with ease, and as I approached the arrivals area I noticed three familiar scents. Alice, Emmett and Rosalie.

A smile tugged at my lips, Alice must have seen my decision after all and would have been too excited to wait for me to call from Forks.

 _Edward, we’re over here,_ Alice called mentally.

She was standing by the rain spattered window, flanked by Rosalie and Emmett; they didn’t seemed very happy to see me, in fact that looked extremely stressed. Maybe it was going to take more than an apology to make this up to them after all.

Rosalie looked especially annoyed and I wondered why she had come to meet me if my return was so unwanted, she could have saved her remonstrances about my selfish behavior for when I got home.

I made my way over to them and tried to look repentant, it was not easy. I was so excited at the thought of seeing Bella again it was difficult to keep the broad grin from my face.

“I guess you had a vision after all,” I said. “I was trying to surprise you.”

“You did.” There was something off in her expression, it was sympathetic but also… angry?

Rosalie’s phone buzzed and she flicked it open, and read the incoming message. Emmett and Alice looking to her anxiously.

“Resting,” she said slipping it back in her pocket. Emmett and Alice sighed with relief.

“What’s going on? Who is resting?” I asked. “Why are you here? Why are you blocking your thoughts?”

“We are here to take you back to Forks. We are blocking our thoughts because you don’t need to know what we are thinking. And you will know what’s happening soon enough,” Emmett said coldly. “Come on.”

He strode away, Rosalie and Alice following. I considered leaving them to their secrets and renting a car instead, but that seemed petty. They had a right to their annoyance, I had deserted them all for nearly a year and had ignored their calls. I’d be angry if it were me so I followed obediently to the car park and to the large SUV Emmett was standing by.

Alice was in the driver’s seat and Rosalie in the back, I slid in beside her then was shoved roughly along the seat as Emmett climbed in beside me.

“What are you doing?” I asked bewildered. I felt a little like a convict being escorted by prison guards with them braced on either side of me.

Nobody answered and they were still guarding their thoughts so closely I was unable to glean more from them.

I focused on Emmett; he was usually so open with his thoughts he had little practice blocking me. I suspected he would be the easiest to break.

“Don’t do it, Edward,” he said catching my intent gaze. “You’ll know soon enough. Here will do.”

He directed his words at Alice and she pulled into a side road and came to a halt at the edge of the park. They climbed out and stood waiting impatiently for me.

“I’m okay; I hunted before my flight,” I explained.

“Hunt again,” Alice said firmly, then seeing my expression she added. “Trust me, Edward.”

She said it so earnestly that I nodded and ran into the trees searching for an appetizing scent. I was not remotely thirsty, but it wouldn’t hurt to drink more. I caught the scent of a deer and chased it down, snapping its neck I feeding without enjoyment.

“More,” Emmett called from behind me.

I drained another three deer and refused Emmett’s instruction of ‘more’ as I was now so uncomfortably full I feared I may burst.

“I’m fine,” I said joining them back at the car. “My thirst is controlled. Will you please tell me what’s going on?”

They exchanged a hesitant look and after a moment Alice nodded. Emmett and Rosalie came to stand beside me and once again I was reminded of prison guards.

“What the hell is going on!” I demanded, reaching my limit with the secret squirrel act. “I understand you are angry at me, but I want to get to Bella.”

“We are taking you to Bella,” Alice said softly. “She is staying with us.”

“What? Why? You promised–”

My words were cut off as Emmett swung his fist back and punched me on the jaw with such force I was knocked to the ground.

I looked up at him confused and feeling a little betrayed. He crouched down beside me; his furious black eyes bored into mine.

“We promised,” he snarled, “because we believed you when you said it was for the best. We left her and everything that has happened since is _your_ fault.”

“I don’t understand, what _has_ happened?” I asked, my words muffled by the hand still gripping my jaw. He had hit me with his full strength and I feared if I let go it may just fall off.

Alice crouched beside me, her expression now sympathetic. “Bella has been hurt.“

I tried to jump to my feet, but Emmett held me down; his massive hands gripped my shoulders. I struggled against him, but Rosalie helped and before I could move more than a few feet he pinned me to the floor. He straddled my back, one hand on my chin and the other pulling my head back at an unnatural angle. With one twist of his hands he could remove my head. I froze, my survival instincts coming to the fore.

“Don’t push me, Edward,” he snarled in my ear. I couldn’t imagine what could have happened to change my gentle, happy brother into this fierce vampire.

“Please… what… happened,” I asked, it was hard to force the words out between my mingled terror about Bella and the unnatural position my head was in.

Alice knelt beside me. Placing her hands on my cheeks, she opened her mind to me at last.

It was an overload of information, the pictures becoming a blur as she struggled to show me it all. Bella in a hospital bed, meeting with the wolves, surgery, suicide, tests, brain dead…

I pulled from her thoughts; the pain was too much to bear. _My Bella gone; a living shell._

I could hear a strange keening noise; it sounded like an animal in its death throes. It wasn’t until I heard Alice crooning in my ear that I realized the sound was coming from me.

“Shhh, she’s okay; keep looking,” she soothed, stroking my cheek.

Once again she opened her mind and I watched through her eyes as Jasper told them he could feel Bella. Renee’s death. Bella’s reaction. I felt her disbelief, and then the mingled guilt and elation as they all discovered the truth. I saw the battle with the newborns and the horrific aftermath.

Her thoughts stopped and I felt Emmett release me, but I stayed on my knees, my breath coming in pants.

“Is she okay?” I asked, my voice tremulous.

“Yes and no,” Alice said softly. “She’s alive and on the ECMO, but we made a promise and she is calling time.”

“Calling time! On what? What did you promise her?" I growled.

“We wanted to change Bella,” Rosalie said. I was shocked that it came from her, she had been so opposed to Bella before. Alice had shown me the changed relationship in her memories and apparently it was genuine. “She refused, but wanted more time. She agreed to the ECMO treatment on the proviso that we let her go when she says it’s time. This afternoon she said she was ready to go.”

“Go? You mean you agreed to kill her?” I asked disgust coloring my tone.

I felt a blow to the back of my head and once again I was sent sprawling to the ground.

“We didn’t want to agree you bastard,” Emmett growled. “We had no other choice. You did such a good job with your break-up speech that she believes you don’t want her anymore. Do you have any idea what she has been through? What _we_ have been through? Watching her suffer through this, fighting to protect her, all because you were too much of a pussy to stay and take care of her!” He was beyond furious and I regretted my words at once.

“I’m sorry, Em. I didn’t think. I’m just so…”

“Scared?” Alice suggested. “Sad, angry, desperate? We all are, we have been for months, but we haven’t had the luxury of solitude that you have. We were here dealing with it all, seeing her suffering and _that_ is why we promised.”

“I’m sorry,” I apologized again. “So what happens now?”

“That’s where we are hoping you can help,” Rosalie said. “The main issue Bella has with the change is being alone forever. She truly believes you don’t want her, so if you can convince her of the truth maybe she will agree to the change.”

Fear flooded me, my words had been so cruel that day. They needed to be to convince her to let me go. How was I going to persuade her that it was a lie?

“You will find a way,” Alice said, reading my expression. Her eyes became vacant for a moment and I followed the vision with her as she searched. Jasper and Carlisle were standing on the porch of the Forks house talking quietly.

“She must still be resting,” she told the others. “Carlisle and Jasper are waiting for us.”

We climbed into the SUV, Emmett gave me an assessing look before deciding to play it safe and wedging me between himself and Rosalie.

“The scent of blood is very strong from the ECMO,” Alice warned. “You will have to be very careful. Carlisle is meeting us at the drive, if he doesn’t think you can control your thirst you aren’t getting anywhere near her.”

I scoffed, like they were going to be able to stop me getting to my Bella. It was only the knowledge that this was the fastest way home that kept me from running home now.

“Jasper is prepared to incapacitate you if he has to,” Alice warned.

Emmett chuckled darkly. “Don’t think he won’t do it. Jasper and Bella have grown very close lately. If he thought you were going to hurt her he would rip off your head and make it into a planter before you got within ten feet of her.”

“How is Jasper managing the temptation?” I asked. “The bloodlust must be making him crazy.”

“On the contrary,” Alice said proudly. “He probably has the best control around Bella now, second to Carlisle anyway. Things have changed Edward; you were gone a year and you missed a lot.”

I considered her words as we sped along the streets, each mile bringing me a little closer to my Bella. I was relieved Jasper had gained control of his bloodlust, he had struggled for so long, but this new ‘relationship’ he had formed with Bella made me unreasonably jealous. She relied on him to communicate with them all, even me.

We were soon driving through the familiar streets of Forks and as we pulled into the drive I saw Carlisle and Jasper waiting for us. Alice pulled the car to a halt and Emmett jumped out.

“She awake?” he asked anxiously.

Jasper focused his gift for a moment then shook his head. “Still resting. Esme is sitting with her.” I was surprised at the range he could feel her; his gift had never been that powerful before.

“Edward.” He nodded a greeting as I climbed out of the car.

I nodded back and turned to Carlisle; his face was weary and stressed. The expression looked odd on his youthful features, and it emphasized the gravity of the situation.

 _‘Hello son,’_ he greeted me in his thoughts as was our custom. _‘I am happy to see you home.’_

“Me too. I am sorry I was gone so long,” I answered. The formality of our meeting seemed wrong, I was used to being at ease with Carlisle. I wondered how badly my absence and accompanying events had damaged our relationship. As if he had read my thoughts he stepped forward and embraced me.

 _‘Save her, and all will be well,’_ he thought to me.

Though he didn’t say it, and I knew him far too well to believe that is what he meant, it felt as if that was the price of my return. ‘Save her or don’t bother staying.’

“Can I see her now?” I asked.

Carlisle looked deep into my eyes, checking the color.

“He hunted,” Alice assured him.

“Okay, slowly, you will need to get used to the scent,” he warned. “If there is the slightest chance you can’t control yourself–”

“I will rip your legs off and send them to Tanya for safekeeping,” Jasper said without humor.

I nodded seriously and we made our way along the drive. I drew in deep breaths as we walked, searching the air for her scent. It hit me when we reached the end of the drive, the familiar heady scent of freesia caught in the air and set my throat on fire.

I stopped walking, but continued to draw in the deep breaths of the scent. Emmett and Jasper gripped my shoulders, preparing to restrain me if needed.

“Edward?” Carlisle said.

“I’m fine,” I said honestly. “It burns, but I am not thirsty; I can control myself.”

He nodded and we began walking again.

Rosalie ran into the house and a moment later I heard hushed voices, then Esme appeared on the balcony to the library.

She smiled ecstatically at me and with one smooth leap she jumped to the garden and threw her arms around my neck.

“I missed you so much. You will never leave me again,” she ordered, taking my face into her hands.

I smiled in spite of myself; even through all the fear and pain it was good to see her again. This was the greeting I had hoped for when I set out from Rio. Before I learned of the drama that had unfolded in my absence.

“I’m sorry, mom,” I said sincerely.

“I will talk to you later; you go to your Bella,” she said.

As if her words were the permission I was waiting for I hurried my pace up the steps and into the house. Jasper ran ahead of me, his thoughts focused on protecting Bella. I walked slowly up the stairs and stopped outside the library door. Closing my eyes, I leaned my head against the wall. Afraid to enter. 

A small hand tugged my arm and I looked to see Alice smiling encouragingly. “It’s a lot to handle at first, but it’s still her.”

Drawing strength from her words I steeled myself and entered the room.

It was worse than I imagined.

“Oh Bella,” I sobbed. I crossed the room and dropped to my knees beside her bed.

She looked so small, the machinery surrounding and attached to her, dwarfed her thin frame. Far too thin, she had always been slender, but now she looked emaciated. Her once ivory skin was ashen and fragile looking, the faint blue veins prominent. Her chest rose and fell with each mechanical breath forced into her lungs by the ventilator. The ECMO machine hummed as it pumped the blood into her tired body.

Jasper shifted uncomfortably as I took her small hand into my own and pressed a kiss to her palm. From his thoughts I realized he did not see Bella as I did; the machinery and tubes were invisible to him, in his mind she merely looked like she was asleep.

“She is resting,” he said. His choice of words reiterated the image of her as sleeping. “She will probably wake soon though, it has been a while.”

I hated how well he knew her; he had this understanding of her life now, that I was ignorant to.

He snorted, feeling my emotions. “It’s your own damn fault,” he said harshly.

“I know,” I admitted. “It’s just going to take some time to get used to it.”

“You better hope we have time,” he snarled. “I swear, Edward, you make this right or I will–”

He cut off. I thought it was for dramatic effect until I felt him projecting emotions in faltering bursts.

“What are you…” I began, then gasped as he spoke.

“I didn’t do anything, darlin’; he came on his own.” There was pause and another round of emotions. “I swear, Bella, he was coming anyway.”

He was talking to my Bella. Talking _for_ my Bella. I cursed my ignorance of Morse code. Why had I never studied it? I focused on his thoughts instead and listened as he translated her words.

_‘This is wrong, guilt, Not fair. Why?’_

“I swear it’s not guilt, Bella, he was coming anyway; let him talk.”

He looked to me and nodded, encouraging me to speak, but I couldn’t find words. I was rendered mute, all my easy explanations were eclipsed in the anxiety of the moment. 

“Talk to her,” Jasper hissed angrily.

The others were waiting in the hall, each holding their breath as they waited for me to speak.

_‘Tired.'_

“No Bella!” Jasper commanded. “Don’t you dare–”

It was pointless. I felt his anger as she went into what his thoughts referred to as ‘the void’.

“What the fuck was that?” he demanded. “You get the chance to talk to her and you’re too fucking stupid to form words.”

The others had joined us, and I heard the disappointment and anger of their thoughts.

“I’m sorry, it was just a shock,” I explained. “I didn’t know what to say, and then she was gone.”

“You stupid fuck!” Emmett spat. “We spend all this time telling her you were lying to her and then she wakes up, and you don’t say a word to her! What the hell is she going to think now?” He was pacing in his anger, raking his hands through his hair.

“I didn’t mean to–” My words were cut off as he grabbed me by the throat and threw me out of the open door and over the balcony into the garden.

I heard Esme’s surprised gasp and her calls to Emmett, but he wasn’t listening. He leapt down beside me closely followed by Jasper.

“You will go back and you will talk!” Jasper commanded. “You will talk and tell her the truth. Tell her you lied the day you left, tell her what you have been doing all this time, and beg her to accept the change. I don’t care what you say, but you make her believe. The first thing she hears when she wakes up again is going to be your voice. Understand?”

He was feral in his rage, and I was not ashamed to admit it scared me. I nodded mutely.

“Not good enough!” he roared. He swing back his fist and caught me against the jaw. I was so stunned I hadn’t even heard the thoughts proceeding the decision, nor did I hear Emmett’s as he added his own punch to the back of the head. If he had used anymore power he would have knocked my head off.

“I understand,” I gasped through my pain.

“Good,” he said with a menacing smile. He and Emmett stood, and gripping my shoulders they dragged me to my feet and carried me through the house and back to Bella’s side.

“We are going to leave Edward and Bella alone now,” Jasper said. “Edward has a few things to say to her. We will be in the lounge if you need us. I will tell you when she wakes.”

The others filed out of the room. Carlisle going last. ‘ _Make it right, son,’_ he thought, looking deep into my eyes.

I nodded. Moving carefully around the machinery I sat beside Bella. Taking her hand in mine I began to speak. “I am so sorry love. I never wanted to leave you but I had to, you weren’t safe…”

I told her everything; how I had wrestled with my decision, how it had felt to be away from her. I told her every detail of my life of the past year and when I finished I started all over again.

I sat for hours only occasionally interrupted when Carlisle or Rosalie would come to check on her monitors. I waited for the moment Jasper’s thoughts told me she was awake again, but it didn’t come. Instead I got a continuous loop of the conversation they had when she explained why she did not want to be changed. Jasper was mulling it over in his mind wondering if I was ever going to be able to convince her.

From what I saw it was the fear of an eternity alone that stopped her accepting the change, that was a moot point now; I was here and I would never leave her again.

I pressed my lips to her temple gently, not realizing I had made the decision until I heard Alice’s horrified scream.

“EDWARD, NO!”

I sank my teeth into the diaphanous skin of her neck.


	36. Ask Me Why

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might have noticed the final chapter count has gone down. That is because I was including bonus posts on the original post which will be posted separately on this site.

**Jasper POV**

“EDWARD, NO!”

Alice’s scream was still ringing in my ears as I flew up the stairs, crashing through the balustrade. The pieces hadn’t even touched the floor before I was in the room with them. Edward was crouched over Bella’s neck, the scent of her blood rich in the air.

I rushed forward ready to rip him from her, but there was no need, her shield flew out around her and he was sent sprawling into the bank of machines that surrounded her bed.

_Oh shit._

The monitors were beeping erratically, the disconnected ECMO machine sending a fountain of her blood into the air, as it pumped on. Through it all I could feel the erratic pulse of terror as Bella’s emotions broke over me.

_‘No, no, no, no, no!’_

It was weakening though, as was her heartbeat.

“Bella, let me in!” I demanded, pressing against the impenetrable force the surrounded her.

Her heartbeat was weakening and only the ventilator remained connected. It was breathing for her, but what good was oxygen without the heart to pump it?

Edward was frantic, throwing himself at the shield and being repelled again and again. Whether he was trying to help or finish the job I did not know. Emmett launched himself forward and dragged Edward to the balcony, Rosalie running to help.

“You will stay there,” she ordered and even through my panic I noticed her voice held the power I had begun to associate with her gift. 

_‘You promised,’_ Bella said weakly.

“I know and I am so sorry, we didn’t know what he was going to do. It’s not too late though, let us in and we can help,” Carlisle pleaded, his eyes fixed on the ever decreasing flow of blood from the catheters still protruding from her neck. “Please, Bella, let me in.”

 _‘Rosalie, please,’_ Bella begged, _‘the deal, help me.’_

Rosalie looked stunned and then seemed to steel herself. “Let me in, Bella, and I will help.”

“What deal?” I demanded, “What are you going to do, Rosalie?”

Rosalie stepped forward moving though the barrier as if it was not there, though when Carlisle and I tried to follow we were held back.

 _‘Please,’_ Bella begged, ‘ _please help me, Rose.’_

Rosalie looked torn and my anxiety increased. “Rosalie, what the fuck are you doing?”

“Helping,” she said simply then looked down at Bella. “I am so sorry.”

She lowered her head and sealed Edward’s bite with her tongue, sealing in the venom. Then she brought her wrist to her mouth and bit down, forcing the venom into the wound.

 _‘No, no, no,’_ Bella lamented, then whether because she had given up or because her strength failed. The shield dropped and Carlisle rushed forward.

I stood frozen in horror, unable to take in the scene before me and even more scared that if I tried to help I would make things worse. Bella’s emotions were pounding at me a storm of anger and sadness, though there were no discernible words, just wave after wave of pain. 

Carlisle sprung into action immediately, he removed the breathing tube from her throat and replaced it with a mask.

“Jasper, take this,” he ordered, snatching my hand and holding it to the bag attached to mask when I remained unmoving. “Squeeze it in even beats, every three seconds. Jasper, can you do this?” he asked.

Snapping out of my fog I nodded and began to squeeze the bag, focusing on the timing and pressure as Carlisle and Rosalie worked frantically over Bella.

Carlisle reached for the catheters still protruding from Bella’s neck and with a swift tug he tore them apart at skin depth, running his tongue over the small wound. Rosalie was removing the all the other wires and tubes attached to Bella.

I had witnessed more than my fair share of changes and this was not right. Her heart was beating fast, but unevenly, skipping beats and then rushing on again.

“Carlisle, something is not–” My words were cut off as Bella’s heart gave one more futile thud then stopped at the same moment her emotions cut off.

Without missing a beat Rosalie snatched the bag from my hand and Carlisle began chest compressions. Edward was staring though the door, horror etched on his face, but he did not move. Either because he was too shocked or because Rosalie was affecting him, he seemed momentarily barred from entering.

Carlisle pushed down on her chest again and again, his lips moving rapidly. I caught a snatch of what he was saying “…to you I have recourse from the depth of my heart, and humbly beg you, to whom God has given such great power, to come to my assistance; help me now in my urgent need and grant my earnest petition.…”

He was praying.

The knowledge of what he was doing stole the strength from my legs, I sank to the floor watching them work though knew it was pointless. Bella was stubborn, she had made her decision and no amount of intervention from us was going to save her.

“Jasper, stop!” Rosalie demanded. “You are projecting.”

Why stop? Bella was gone, why should I contain my emotions now? Why should I hold the agony in when it belonged to us all?

Alice and Esme were standing on the other side of the room clinging to each other as sobs racked their body, I had not even noticed them until now, such was the confusion. Emmett was standing beside Edward who was still staring at Bella as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

 _Edward._ This was all his fault, he did this to her. I was going to make him pay.

Smoothly regaining my feet I stalked towards him, he didn’t even look at me; he was so caught up in the scene before him. With a cruel smile I launched myself at him. Crushing through the wrought iron of the balcony with the force of my lunge.

I pushed him away even as we fell, and the moment our feet touched the ground I was on him. Snarling and growling, raking his skin with my nails, determined to destroy him. Scar him physically as he had scarred us emotionally.

“Jasper, stop!” Emmett bellowed, but I ignored him.

Catching Edward across the chin with a kick I leapt onto his back and gripped his chin and forehead with my hands. I leaned down to his neck, preparing to run my teeth across his skin, ending it once and for all. 

“Listen, Jasper!” Emmett shouted, landing at my side. “Listen.”

I stopped; listening hard.

“What…” I trailed off as I heard what he meant.

There was a heartbeat in the house again.

The racing of a changing heart.

**Edward POV**

Jasper released me and ran back into the house, but I stayed kneeling on the ground, listening to the most significant sound in my universe; Bella’s heart.

The events of the last few minutes flashed through my mind like a macabre movie reel. Bella lying prone on the bed, my teeth sinking into her neck, the shock of being pushed away by an invisible force, the blood pouring from her wound, Rosalie stepping forward finishing what I started. Saving my Bella for me. Whether she wanted to be saved or not.

I heard Jasper’s thoughts as she was pleading for help, reminding Rosalie of their deal. Then Rosalie ordered me away, I had been powerless to resist, I was compelled to obey.

One thing was certain, I had missed a lot more while I was away than I thought. 

When Jasper had attacked me I knew he was planning to kill me, his thoughts had been focused and I had wanted it. My life ended when Bella’s heart stopped, but now I had been granted a reprieve I could not seem to find the will to get to my feet and return to her side.

I felt someone approach behind me and expected it to be Alice, I was shocked when it was Rosalie that spoke.

“Are you okay?”

I stared at her incredulously, how could I possibly be okay after what had just happened?

“You need to get off your ass, get out of those bloody clothes and get back to her side.” I looked down at my shirt, I hadn’t even noticed the blood rapidly drying against my skin.

I rose unsteadily to my feet, but did not move towards the house, I couldn’t bring myself to go back to her after what I had done.

“You listen to me and listen good,” Rosalie snarled, gripping my chin and forcing my eyes to meet hers. “I just broke a promise to someone I love for you, so you better fix it.”

“What promise?” I croaked “What deal did you make with her?”

“Do you remember the agreement we made after I killed Royce and the others?” I nodded, how could I ever forget. “Well I made the same deal with Bella. Six months.”

“How could you?” I gasped.

Her nails dug into my chin, the cuts healing almost instantly. “You weren’t here, you don’t understand. If I hadn’t she would have found a way to do it herself even sooner.”

She open her mind and showed me the days of Bella’s silence, the creeping suspicion as the tachycardia became more frequent. The moment she confronted Bella, the explanation, and the deal they had made.

“I bought you time,” she hissed. “Time to come and make this right. Bella will never forgive me for what I did, so you damn well better make it worth it.”

I gently eased her hands from my chin, looking deep into her eyes I leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Thank you, Rose,” I said sincerely. “I am sure Bella will forgive you in time.”

She snorted. “You have a lot to learn about the new Bella, she is very different to the timid mouse you left behind.” She grinned. “In fact, I‘d say she is more of a lion now.”

I smiled grimly and made my way into the house. I could tell as I entered my room that no one else had been in here since we left. The air was stale and dust covered every surface.

I stripped off my bloody clothes and used a washcloth to clean off the blood. I could hear Esme and Alice’s thoughts as they cleaned Bella up in the next room. She was almost silent, the only sound her breath hissing between her teeth.

Jasper was standing in the room, his back turned for her privacy, but he was focusing on his gift, trying to feel her emotions. He seemed concerned that she was completely blocked from him instead of in what he called the ‘void’.

I dressed hastily and made my way to the library, entering slowly, expecting another attack from Jasper. But for all the attention he paid me I may not have been there.

Alice was clearing away the soiled linens and clothing, she smiled tentatively at me as she passed. Bella was now dressed in a tank top and sweat pants, her favorite style of clothing for comfort. The thought brought a grim smile to my face. All these things I had missed.

Now she was not attached to the machines she didn’t look quite so small, but she did look thin, far too thin. Her eerie stillness disturbed me, it wasn’t natural, Jasper was thinking the same.

Carlisle slipped in and began examining Bella, the small wounds on her neck the ECMO catheter had left, had been sealed by venom, the area around them had already taken on a faint sheen. Carlisle took her hand and pressed gently against her skin, noting the slight difference in pliability already.

“Carlisle,” Jasper began anxiously. “What’s wrong with her? Why is she so quiet?”

“I don’t know that anything is wrong exactly,” he began. “She may just be quiet like I was.”

“Or?” he asked. The rigid set to his jaw emphasizing his worry.

“I don’t know Jasper, she has been through a lot today, physically and emotionally. I don’t want to make assumptions.” He smiled grimly. “I have learnt where Bella is concerned, assumptions never turn out how I expect.”

His thoughts reflected on the wasted time while he believed her to be brain dead. He harbored immense guilt for his lack of trust in Jasper, and for the careless disregard he had shown Bella at that time.

“But you think something is wrong?” Jasper pressed.

I felt uncomfortable with his questions, it felt like he was taking all the words from me. She was my mate, I should be the one asking. He felt my jealousy and shot me a mocking look.

_‘Things have changed, deal with it.’_

Again I felt a surge of jealousy, he had Alice why was he taking my Bella from me.

 _‘I love her as a sister,’_ he rolled his eyes. _‘I love Alice, she is my world, but Bella is very important to me. You may as well get used to that now as it’s not changing.’_

There was a degree of doubt in him though, he was not entirely sure things would be the same after he had, to use his own words, failed her so badly.

“I think you should hunt now, Jasper,” Carlisle suggested. “We all should, Edward can stay with Bella.”

Jasper did not look at all impressed with this idea, but Carlisle stared at him, a silent conversation I was not privy to passing between them.

“I will not be far,” Jasper said, a warning note in his tone. “I can feel her emotions at quite a distance now. I will be listening.”

I nodded, barely restraining the urge to roll my eyes at him, this was my mate, I would never hurt her. _Never again._ I amended.

He left the room and a moment later I heard him talking quietly with Esme and Alice who were waiting at the river.

Carlisle paused at the door, looking back at me. _‘Will you be okay, Edward?’_

“I’ll be fine, we both will,” I assured him. He looked at me appraisingly, then he too joined the others at the riverbank.

After a moment I heard their footfalls fade as they crossed the river and disappeared into the forest.

I moved to sit at Bella’s side, taking her hand in mine, noting the slightly lowered temperature, she was changing fast. I wondered if it was a result of the blood loss or something more sinister.

“I guess it’s just you and me for now then, Bella,” I said, my light tone sounding false to my own ears.

I rubbed a thumb over the back of her hand, she used to like that before…

That simple word held so much meaning to me now, _before,_ it was as if we had passed into a whole new world. In a way Bella had, she was, even now, moving on from her human life into the eternal existence of a vampire.

“I am so sorry,” I said, trying to find a way to articulate my regret. “I am sorry for what I did to you when I left. I am sorry for the consequences you have been forced to live with. I thought I was saving you by leaving, turns out I was dooming you instead."

“I am not sorry for biting you though. I once told you I was a selfish creature and you didn’t believe me, I am sure you will now. I couldn’t bear the thought of life without you, so I did what I could to keep you with me.”

I broke off, listening to the rapid thud of her heart and her hissed breaths.

“I am not sure if you can hear me, but please, Bella, please give me a sign that you are there. You are scaring me.”

There was no response at first, then I felt a force pressing against me. I thought she was going to force me away again with her strange shield.

What happened was far worse.

It was as if a floodgate had been opened and I was frozen in place as a torrent of images were forced over me.

_A young man, changed from the innocent boy of my memory into a man. Jacob Black, standing in a familiar room, shouting accusations, Charlie’s pallid face as he lay in a pool of blood. ‘You knew!’ Another young man, one I didn’t know, leaning over me, speaking words I could not hear, a voice, my own voice, speaking frantically "Hang on Bella, fight it, fight the darkness." Pain, burning pain as bright lights passed over closed lids, unknown voices, the voices of the family as they spoke, the desperation to speak, but being unable to…_

The images kept coming, each more powerful than the last. I gripped my head in my hands, trying to block it out, but it was useless.

I felt everything she felt as the memories - as I now realized that is what they were - broke over me. Every emotion she felt was forced upon me, and dear lord she had felt so much.

I fell to my knees, my forehead touching the floor, a groan slipping though my lips.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I am so sorry,” I chanted. “Please forgive me.”

The images never ceased and I was incoherent with the agony when the family found me.

“Edward, what’s wrong?" Esme asked frantically, trying to pull my hands from the tight grip they had in my hair.

“Please make it stop,” I begged. “I can’t bear it.”

“Make what stop? What is happening to you?”

As abruptly as the images came they ceased, leaving me curled on the floor, my head in Esme’s lap.

“What the fuck was that?” Emmett asked.

“That,” Jasper said with a satisfied smile, “was Bella.”


	37. I Don't Want To See You Again

**Bella POV**

I was pulled from the darkness by the searing pain of Edward’s teeth piercing my skin and I was happy.

Pleased that he was the one doing this, taking my life away. It was poetic that he should be the one to end my suffering now. I was ready after all, the gift of my blood being the ultimate reward for his months of restraint. He had fought the pain of his thirst for so long, and now he was finally reaping his reward.

But then he was gone, the weight on my mind flying from me and pushing him away. Then came the pain. The burning as the venom crept through my veins.

I begged and pleaded. Rosalie had promised me, she swore to end my suffering and yet she denied me. Forcing her own venom into my exhausted body.

I didn’t want this, I had told them. I didn’t want him forced home out of his misplaced guilt, and I didn’t want an eternity of pain. I had a momentary reprieve as I felt my heart falter and the darkness descend, but it was short-lived. I was forced back into the light as they continued to defy me, dragging me against my wishes into the world again.

I felt every pulse of fire as the venom destroyed all that was fragile and human in my body, changing me. But the physical pain was nothing compared to my mental anguish.

The burn suddenly doubled, my lower body, which had been numb for so long that I had grown accustomed to the disconnection, was now there and burning.

I wanted to writhe, to scream in agony, but I refused the need. I pulled the shield around me, molding it to every curve and angle of my body, locking my limbs in place and my mouth clenched closed.

I would _not_ be weak again, I would endure this pain and they would never know what it cost me. I owed them after all.

I heard the voices discussing me, Jasper’s questions. _”What is wrong with her?”_ I could have answered that. I was an empty soul being barred from the rest I desperately desired.

I shut myself down; I was not going to be granted the freedom of death so I did the next best thing. I cut off from them all and waited for the burn to end.

 _“You are scaring me.”_ Edward’s words broke through the haze of pain. He didn’t know true fear. I did.

I willed the memories to come, shoving them at him with all the force I could muster. It was easy, the pressure on my mind that I had thought was the darkness, now bent to my will. I controlled it with ease, it was as if it was a another limb. I could feel Edwards form at my side, and I knew if I decided to I could push him away again as easily as I could once hold his hand. I didn’t push him away, instead I held him trapped within, sending each memory and every moment of pain I had known.

He whimpered and pleaded, but I could not stop. His pain was my own, it hurt me more than the burn of the venom to hear his cries, but I could not stop. He needed to understand what he had done to me. I felt the others coming into the room and the shield reached for them too, but I pulled it back, this was for Edward alone to feel.

Rosalie had betrayed me, but I was selfish to ask it of her, and Jasper… he had done everything for me. Alienated from his family for his refusal to give up on me, he had been my voice when I was unable to speak for myself, I would not make him suffer this with me.

“Edward, what’s wrong?" I heard Esme, her fear evident in her voice.

“Please make it stop,” Edward pleaded. “I can’t bear it.”

“Make what stop? What is happening to you?”

That was enough. I pulled the shield back against myself, releasing him from the barrage.

“What the fuck was that?” Emmett asked.

It was Jasper that answered. “That was Bella.”

“What’s happening?" a voice demanded, Alice’s voice. “She is black, I can’t see her future at all.”

“The thoughts have stopped,” Edward said in a weak voice. “I can only hear the rest of you.”

“It’s Bella,” Jasper said. “I can’t feel her at all, but I am sure it’s her.”

I contemplated what he had said, if I was able to render Alice blind and block him from my emotions, I could be free. I lay trapped in the fire and I planned. My choice may have been denied, but I would find a way to free myself.

xXx

After what felt like an eternity the fire began to retreat, burning a searing path to my chest where my heart continued to pound valiantly. As the fire concentrated on that one area it was all I could do to hold my shield in place. I could feel the presence of the others surrounding me, and the barrier wanted to fly out from me, forcing them away, but I clung to it, finding comfort in the illusion of strength it gave me.

The racing of my heart reached a crescendo, then with one last thud it fell silent. The silence felt anticlimactic. I had expected to feel the crazed emotions I had heard Jasper speak about. I had heard him explaining the confusion of newborns to the wolves after one of their training sessions. He said it was complete sensory overload; sound, and scent and sight. I felt the changes in these senses, everything was so much sharper, clearer, but there was no confusion. It was more a feeling of being completed, as if I had spent my life in a fog that had finally cleared.

I remained still, relishing in the absence of pain. The barrier surrounding me pulsed, ready to fly from me but I held it to me, not yet ready to relinquish its comfort.

Though I didn’t feel the onslaught of emotion, there was something decidedly different. I could feel the presence of the others around me, they each had a signature ‘feel’ as my mind encompassed them. I could tell Edward was closest, Jasper and Emmett flanking him. As they shifted on their feet I felt the barrier surrounding them shifting too, it clung to them like a second skin.

As I analyzed the sensation, I realized the barrier I was holding to myself was two-fold. The solid physical part was still holding me in place but the second, lighter one was surrounding them all. The speed at which my brain was able to process these thoughts was lightning fast. Understanding seemed to bypass thought, coming to me as if I already knew these things, but had not accepted them. In a way I did.

I had known for some time there was something different, since I discovered I could force my emotions from myself at will, that it was not a normal human ability. When my body had been unable to protect me my mind took over, but it worked a little too well. I had a feeling it was that same protection that had trapped me within my frozen body, not the damage of Jacob’s attack. I had not been ready to face the world so my mind shielded me from it.

I was not ready then. I was now.

“What’s happening? Why isn’t she moving? Do you think something went wrong?” an anxious voice asked, deep and powerful, Emmett.

“Give her a moment to adjust, it is a lot to handle, remember how you felt,” Carlisle answered.

“Bella, can you hear me?” I knew that voice, how could I not? It had spoken for me for months. Jasper was anxious, it came from him in waves. He was worried something had gone wrong.

I knew I was scaring them all, but I wanted to luxuriate in their presence for a moment before I did what I knew I must.

“No, don’t!” someone said warningly, as I felt a movement to my right, a hand reaching for me.

I released the force holding me to the bed and it flew out at the same moment I sprang from the bed in one fluid movement. I heard their startled gasps and the thuds as they were forced away from me and pinned to the wall.

“Bella, please don’t do this,” Alice pleaded.

She didn’t understand, I was doing this _for_ them.

I took one sweeping glance of the room, seeing their shocked, hurt faces. “I’m sorry,” I said, hearing the new light musical cadence in my voice. “I have to.”

I ran through the open door, swinging myself over the balcony and into the garden.

Their voices followed me, calling for me to come back, that they wouldn’t hurt me, everything was okay.

They were wrong, nothing was okay, but it would be. I would make sure of it.

I leapt over the river, savoring the ease of movement after months of immobility, and into the woods.

I ran for miles, the salty tang in the air telling me I was close to the ocean. I felt the force I had used back at the house recoiling around me, smoothly covering me once again and I knew that it meant the others were now free. I was shocked, but pleased at how long I had maintained it. I needed as much of a head start as I could get. I knew they would not allow me to run so easily, Jasper especially would be hell bent on finding me. 

I thought over the plans I had made while I was trapped in the fire, the realization that had come to me. Edward was back, dragged home a victim of circumstance as the family fought to change my mind. It was not fair on him, he shouldn’t be bound to me by his guilt. He had made his feelings perfectly clear when he left.

I had no desire for life without him, and now I was damned to this eternal life. I was not going to force him to spend it with me. As much as it hurt to leave them behind it was what had to happen for them to be happy.

The burn in my throat demanded my attention, and I knew I needed to feed. I was not so selfish that I would risk stealing the life of another person. I inhaled deeply, searching the air for something other than the unpleasant scent of rotting vegetation and animal excrement. There was a musky scent to the north, and I headed towards it, hoping I wasn’t tracking a skunk. Emmett had warned me about them.

As I stalked closer I heard thud of beating hearts. I scaled a tree to get a better vantage point and saw a bull moose drinking at the side of a small pool, its antlers at least six feet across. Behind it was a female and a calf. I paused for a split second contemplating the scene.

_Could I really do this?_

The ever increasing pain of my thirst was insistent, forcing away my doubt. I jumped down, catching the bull by the antlers and swung myself onto his back, snapping his neck. Instinct took over and I sank my teeth into the heat of its throat, gulping down the blood as it flowed into my mouth. The taste was not as bad as I had been expecting, earthy and bitter, but not unpleasant.

Much too soon the flow stopped and I dropped the carcass to the ground. I scanned the forest for another animal, but there was nothing, the other moose had run when I took down the bull. I was not sated, but it would have to be enough for now, I knew the Cullens would be here soon.

 _The Cullens._ How quickly my thoughts had detached from them.

Even when I was nothing more than a series of flickering emotions and a form on the hospital bed, I had felt... no, not felt, I had _been_ one of them. That was over now, I loved them enough to leave, to not stay and tear their family apart.

I was close to the ocean when I caught the scent of wet dog. I had heard enough of Rosalie’s grousing about the wolves to know that this was what I smelled. I veered away from the scent, but it was too late, I heard the pounding of paws on the forest floor and I scaled a tree hoping to evade them.

Moments later a small grey wolf emerged from the trees, swiftly followed by another with a deep brown coat. I could hear movement from the trees and guessed there was another just out of my line of sight.

A guttural snarl rumbled from the grey wolf’s throat cutting off abruptly when a deep voice called, “Quiet Leah.”

A moment later Sam stepped out of the trees, fastening a pair of cut-off jeans.

“Bella,” he called looking up into the tree. “Come down, we won’t hurt you. I promise.”

His words were sincere, but the low growl coming from the grey wolf contradicted the ‘we’ in his assurances.

Figuring I had nothing to lose I jumped down from the branch I was balanced on, landing a few feet in front of them.

Sam started, but didn’t move away. I had to admire his courage, for all he knew I was a raving newborn yet he hid his fear well.

“Are you okay?” he asked tentatively.

 _No, not even remotely._ I fixed a smile on my face and nodded.

“You are very controlled,” Sam mused. “When I spoke to Carlisle he seemed to think you were struggling with the confusion.”

“You spoke to Carlisle? When?” I asked frantically. I was running out of time.

“Not long ago, he said he was pinned to a wall at the time. You know anything about that?”

“Perhaps,” I said evasively.

He smiled. “They are very worried about you.”

“They needn't be,” I said, feigning an indifference I did not feel.

The brown wolf whined, staring at Sam with great concentration. “Fine,” Sam huffed eventually. “Slowly though!”

The brown wolf stepped back slightly locking eyes with me, a moment later it was replaced by a stark naked Jared

“Hi, Bella,” he said hesitantly.

“Hey, Jared, how’s Kim?”

Seeming to forget Sam’s warning Jared bounded forward and threw his arms around my neck. Leah growled and crouched as if preparing to spring at me. But Sam ordered to her to remain still.

“Thank you, thank you so much!” Jared babbled.

“For what? All I did was tell you to get your ass back to school.”

“It was enough,” he said, then laughed gleefully. “So you’re a vampire, huh, how does it feel?”

_So far, so shit._

”It’s fine. Look I’m sorry, but I have to go. The Cullens will be here soon.“

“If the Cullens are coming you should wait for them, they are very worried about you,” Sam interrupted. “You are new; you shouldn’t be out here alone.”

I growled my annoyance. “I’m fine, I won’t hurt…” my words trailed off as a scent reached me. A wonderful rich scent that set my throat on fire.

Without thought I turned on my heel and shot toward the scent, the physical barrier once again pushing away from my mind, this time it was the wolves that were encased.

“Stop, Bella, you don’t want to do this!” Sam called after me.

He was dead wrong, I more than wanted to do this, I _had_ to do this. My throat was on fire, and I knew that this was the only way to quench the flames.

Whatever this scent was, it was mine and I was not going to be stopped by anyone.


	38. P.S. I Love You

**Jasper POV**

“Bella, please don’t do this,” Alice begged, her face desperate.

Bella looked torn as her gaze swept across the room, looking at us each in turn.

“I’m sorry, I have to.” With that she shot through the door, and with a smooth twist she vaulted the newly repaired balustrade and disappeared from view.

“Bella, come back!” Carlisle called after her. Each of us adding our own plea until the words were no longer discernible, just a cacophony of noise.

“Quiet!” I shouted finally.

They all fell silent, except for Edward who was still bellowing her name frantically.

I shot Edward with enough calm to knock a human unconscious and he quieted.

“Can anyone move?” My voice was calm and commanding; though my emotions were a turmoil of panic. If she met a human out there…

“Not forward,” Carlisle said, rooting for something in his pocket.

“We need to go after her!” Edward said redundantly.

“No shit Sherlock!” Emmett said scathingly. “This is all your damn fault, if you hadn’t scared her she wouldn’t have–“

“She was not scared,” I said quietly, cutting Emmett’s words off as he turned to look at me.

“What do you mean she wasn’t scared? She ran away, why would she do that if she wasn’t scared?”

The others were all looking at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to pull a brilliant explanation out of thin air. It wasn’t that unexpected really, I had been there for every step of this with Bella. I had spoken for her when she could not, it was natural for them to assume I knew what she was thinking. I didn’t, but I did know what she was _feeling_.

“She was decided,” I said. “I only felt a flash of emotions as she pushed us away, whatever it was that blocked us slipped for a moment and I felt her. She was calm, no newborn mania, just decided.”

“But what did she decide?” Edward asked.

“You’re the damn mind reader, why don’t you tell me?” I spat.

Emmett was not entirely wrong in his accusations. Edward had not scared her into running, but he was the stupid shit that had landed us in this mess in the first place. By leaving her in the first place, and then losing what little common sense he had left and biting her before he was able to speak to her properly.

“You think I don’t know that?” he shouted, hearing the path of my thoughts.

“Enough!” Carlisle snapped, finally extracting his cell phone from his pocket and hitting the speed dial.

A moment later Sam’s familiar voice answered. “Hey Doc, you got another army of newborns need taking care of?”

“Not exactly,” Carlisle said carefully and explained the situation.

“You mean to tell me there is a newborn Bella running around the woods, and you haven’t gone after her?” Sam said disbelievingly when Carlisle finished. “What the hell were you thinking?”

“We didn’t plan this,” Carlisle said a little testily. “And we would have gone after her if she had not pinned us to the wall.”

Sam muffled a laugh, poorly. “So you want me to go on Bella patrol?”

“Yes please,” Carlisle said, attempting to maintain a dignified demeanor. An attempt hampered by the fact Bella’s shield was pinning him so close to the wall he had to hold the phone at an angle best left to Olympic gymnasts. “She seemed very controlled when she left the house, but that may not last. We do not want any casualties.”

“I’m on it. I’ll call you if I see anything,” he said, then hung up.

 _At least someone is looking,_ I thought with relief.

“I don’t think she can be too far away,” Rosalie said. “She is still holding us and that will take concentration.”

Emmett pushed fruitlessly against the barrier. “I gotta say, this is not how I expected Bella’s first day to go. I thought we’d be hunting bears right now, not stuck to the wall like bugs on fly paper.”

His expression was so disappointed I couldn’t help but be amused. My humor affected the others and we all burst into gales of laughter. Edward was the only one who didn’t laugh, he was staring at the door as if he could bring Bella back merely by willing it.

Emmett continued to struggle against the barrier until suddenly with a tremendous push he flew forward and crushed an end table beneath his bulk.

“Hey I got out!” he said triumphantly, then his face fell as he saw the rest of us step away from the wall with ease. Bella had either got out of range or had dropped the shield intentionally.

Edward was first out the door, mimicking Bella’s movement he vaulted the balcony and into the forest, the rest of us hot on his heels.

Bella’s scent was easy to trace, it was so like her human scent, what concerned me was the fact it was old, already losing its concentration.

Edward shot off into the forest, his speed giving him the advantage, but we were not far behind. She had been concentrated in her path, straight all the way until we were getting close to the coast and she veered off to the right.

“She hunted,” Edward called to us.

Esme whimpered, clearly thinking the worst. But I knew Bella; she was calm when she left. Unless she had lost control completely in the time since she fled there was no way she would have killed a human.

I was proved right as we joined Edward, he was standing beside a drained bull moose. Bella’s scent all around. It was a surprisingly clean kill, the neck snapped and very little blood wasted on the ground. She was hunting like a pro.

Carlisle smiled a little proudly, in fact we were all feeling a certain measure of pride in her. All of us except Emmett.

“Aw man, I missed her first hunt,” he moaned. “It wasn’t even anything good, a moose, if that’s all she’s tried she’ll be snacking on humans in no time… only kidding,” he corrected, seeing the less than amused expression on Rosalie’s face.

“Never mind that, where did she go next?” Esme demanded.

Edward took a deep breath and began running again, this time west. As before we followed after him, unable to match his speed. We hadn’t got far before the scent of the wolves reached us, closely followed by growls and barks.

When we found them they were pacing in a small circles, occasionally trying to extend their perimeter, but being held back by the same barrier that had pinned us to the wall. Edward was nowhere to be seen, he must have got his explanation from the mind of one of them. Sam phased to his human form and pointed toward the shore.

“She ran off!” he said hurriedly. “I think she caught a scent, she was talking and then she changed. Her eyes went freaky, then she was gone.”

We ran in the direction he was pointing, me leading now, almost afraid of what I would find. Sam had described all the signs of a hunting vampire and she would not react that way to another moose. I knew if Bella had taken a human life she would be forever changed. Whatever remnants of her lighter, happier self we had glimpsed in the last few months as she played drill sergeant would be lost.

I saw Edward first, he was bent double at the waist shaking with what I first thought were sobs. Then I felt his emotions as he threw his head back and roared with laughter.

“Edward, what can possibly be funny in this situation!” I demanded, and then caught sight of the object of his hilarity.

On the ground was the broken carcass of a mountain lion.

“Well I guess there is no doubting it now,” Emmett said laughing. “She’s your mate for sure.”

“Be that as it may, where is she now?” Carlisle asked scanning the area as if hoping Bella would appear from behind a tree.

“Her scent leads toward the cliffs,” Alice said. She walked away into the trees and a moment later I heard her gasp. Her emotions making me reel back; she was devastated.

I ran to her side, and followed her shaking finger as she pointed to the trunk of a tree directly in front of her. Scratched into the bark was a message.

_Don’t follow me. I love you all. I’m sorry. B x_

xXx

**Bella POV**

I sobbed as I carved the message into the tree.

They were close, I could feel them approaching and the barrier that had held the wolves at bay twitched, wanting to envelop them too, but I refused it. Part of me wanted them to find me, to stop me so I could stay with them. But that selfish desire was easy to push down, I would do the right thing, didn’t I always?

I wrote the last words – _I’m sorry. B x –_ and pressed a kiss to the tree, they would never know, but to me it seemed fitting.

With that done I ran again, into the trees towards the ocean. I heard pounding paws in my wake and wondered if it was Sam or a different group, it didn’t matter, I was almost there. Taking a deep unnecessary breath I threw myself off the cliff and into the rolling waves below.

I submerged fast and instinctively kicked up to the surface, some human habits were deeply ingrained. I shot to the surface at what would have been a dizzying speed to my human eyes, now I was able to examine the intricate beauty of each individual bubble. Examine but not appreciate. When I had left my last message to the family, I had also left behind any pleasure that could be had in life. 

I dived below the surface again and propelled myself through the water, each stroke and kick sending me forward with jarring speed. With no markers to guide me I had no concept of distance. I just forced myself on, knowing I had to get as far away from Forks as I could.

When the sunlight was no longer visible I pushed to the surface, lazily treading water for a while. My genius plan to swim underwater wasn’t as successful as I had hoped, instead of swimming straight out into the ocean I had moved along the coast, judging by the quality of the twinkling lights I was only a few miles away from the shore.

_“Please don’t do this, Bella.”_

The shock of hearing his voice made me freeze, I sank below the surface inhaling a lungful of seawater. As disgusting as salt water tasted to a human it was much worse to a vampire. I coughed and spluttered, trying to get rid of the foul taste all the while scanning the horizon searching for the source of the voice. I couldn’t see him anywhere, but I knew what I had heard. Edward was here somewhere.

Forgetting all my noble plans I kicked for the shore, desperate to see him. He must really care if he had come after me. Right?

I headed for a darker spot on the shore, even through my anticipation I knew arriving among humans right now was not a good idea. Even if I managed to not kill them I would look a little odd swimming at this time of night, not to mention how I was dressed. Soon the water became too shallow to swim and I ran, creating waves of my own as the water churned around me.

“Edward!” I called, my eyes darting around. “Edward are you here?”

There was no answering call, but I heard a rustling in the trees and muted voices.

They were _all_ here! My heart leapt at the thought, I ran toward their voices, calling their names in a chant.

“Edward, Jasper, Rose…” I stopped; my senses caught up with me and I recognized the light I was running to was a campfire. Why would they have a campfire?

“Hey did you hear that?” a rough male voice asked. A human voice, not the soft musical tones of my family. _Old family_. I corrected myself. 

I crept closer, chastising myself for my ridiculous hope. Of course he wasn’t here, none of them were. I had just stumbled across a couple of hikers. Curiosity drew me toward them. There were three figures grouped around the dying campfire, their bedrolls spread about beside them and bright orange survival bags at the feet.

“I know I heard something,” the same male voice said. “Sounded like a woman.”

“You wish,” another voice said, amused, “You want a little company in your sleeping bag is all, I’m sure Doug will be happy to oblige.”

“Hey!” a third voice protested.

I had seen enough. I slipped back into the trees, my footfalls almost silent even to my own enhanced hearing. I was almost at the beach when I froze again, one foot half off the ground.

 _They were human!_ They were warm-blooded, living humans and I had not hunted them. I could still smell them in the air, their stale sweat, the yeasty scent of beer, the rich salty scent of their blood. But there was no temptation, the mountain lion had been undeniable, as soon as I caught its scent I had been compelled to hunt.

Pleased but confused by this discovery, I walked back to the rushing waves and once again began my journey. I would need to hunt again, caution demanded it. But I wanted to get away from the hikers and the pang of regret and sadness their mistaken identity had created.

I hugged the coast again this time and when I had travelled a safe distance I once again came to shore and slipped into the forest. I inhaled deeply, confident in my hunt now. There was a strong musty scent to the east and I dropped into a crouch and tracked it. It was a Black Bear, resting lazily at the foot of a Douglas Fir. I launched myself at it, struggling to get a grip on the smooth fur. My mouth automatically found the pulsing point on its neck and I sank my teeth in. The warm blood soothed the itch in my throat, and I drew great gulps until it was completely drained. It didn’t taste as good as the mountain lion, but I could see Emmett’s attraction, it coursed through me the way caffeine had when I was human.

 _“You need to hide it, people will see.”_ I started again as Edward’s smooth voice filled my mind.

I looked around, searching my surrounding, but I was completely alone. Dawning comprehension I realized this was not the ‘real’ voice of my love, but the same angel voice I had heard as I lay on Charlie’s kitchen floor. The voice I had first heard when approaching the group of men in Port Angeles. It was a comforting thought that even though I could not be with him, my mind clung to this small part of him for me.

 _“You have to hide the carcass,”_ his voice warned.

“Where?” I asked aloud.

_“Bury it or take it back into the water.”_

I had not expected an answer, the voice had never responded to questions before, merely chastised or advised depending on the situation. This was so much better.

Heaving the bear over my shoulder I made my way back to the water, when it was deep enough I dived below the surface and searched for something to weight it. The floor of the ocean was rocky, and I spotted a large boulder that would easily cover the bear and stop it from floating to the surface. With one hand I tilted it up, stuffing the carcass beneath then releasing it. As the boulder resettled over its now uneven base it split the fur of the bear, muddying the dark water with fouled blood.

I kicked away, not surfacing this time. I liked the dark quiet of the water, and now I had fed again there was no need for me to be on land. I swam further, the ocean floor steadily declining deeper and deeper until the darkness was so intense my vampire eyes had difficulty making out my own hands as they propelled me forward.

I had no idea how deep I had gone, or even how far from the shore I was. Nor did I care. It was peaceful down here, I allowed myself to sink to the floor, the seaweed stroking against my new stone skin lazily.

 _“This is wrong, you need to go home,”_ his velvet voice scolded.

 _‘I like it here. Will you stay with me?’_ I didn’t speak aloud this time, but it seemed there was no need, he answered anyway.

_“I will stay with you forever.”_

Forever was not nearly long enough, but it would do.

Curled on my side I closed my eyes, exhaled my last breath and allowed myself to just be.


	39. Misery

**Tanya POV**

I stood at the peak of Mount McKinley, luxuriating in the solitude. The snow was falling heavily, catching in my eyelashes, creating a kaleidoscope illusion, adding to the beauty of the view. I used to love coming here, it was so quiet not another person for miles, but as the years advanced so too did the humans ambitions. Now there was almost always movement on the mountain as the fearless, or perhaps foolish, humans attempted to reach the summit. Today though, I was alone. Even the most adventurous humans liked to be home on Christmas eve.

I should be home too, but the atmosphere was so tense I had escaped for a few hours. Irina was back from another of her excursions, and as much as I loved to have my sister with me her dour mood was difficult to handle. She was still mourning Laurent, and Kate had blown up at her this morning following a harsh comment about the Cullens.

Irina blamed them for Laurent’s death, she maintained that if they had not involved themselves with the human, Laurent would not have been killed. She disregarded the fact that it was in fact the wolves that had killed him, while he was preparing to kill Edward’s mate. That was an unforgivable crime to any vampire and she knew it.

Laurent had been a vile character anyway, he had no real interest in living a peaceful existence with us here and slipped away to hunt humans frequently. When Victoria had arrived to see him, the rest of us thought it was for the best. He could rejoin her and leave Irina to find someone worthy at last.

He had left with Victoria, but Irina had remained patient, certain he would return to her eventually. He didn’t, instead came a phone call from Carlisle bringing news of Laurent’s death at the hands of the werewolves. Irina had been inconsolable and fled from us and our comfort. She returned after a week, but that had been the first of her increasingly frequent excursions.

Then came the second call, this time desperate for our help, the human they had left behind had been changed, but upon waking had left them. They wanted our help to search, and all of us but Irina offered it. She agreed to help in exchange for free reign to avenge Laurent by killing the wolves. They refused, explaining the truce they had formed with the pack. Irina had been incensed, but Carlisle was unyielding in his decision. Kate, Eleazar, Carmen and I met with them at their Forks house and they filled us in on the situation.

We helped them search for weeks, but eventually grew disheartened. There was no sign of her other than a message carved on a tree, which made it clear to us that she didn’t want to be found. Alice had a vision of Volturi guards in the area and Carlisle told us to go home. He knew our history, and that even after all these centuries our emotional scars were still raw. Scared, we ran home and waited for news, it transpired that the guards were in the area to deal with a rogue newborn that had drawn their attention. It was apparently gifted, as instead of being destroyed when found, it had been taken back to Italy with them. Irina had been pleased at our return, but soon returned to her new bitter nature.

We had sporadic contact with the Cullens after that as they continued their search. It wasn’t until a few days ago that Esme called to say the family were together again for the holidays and were staying in their home at the other side of the park. This had started the argument between Irina and Kate, after the usual greetings and unanswered questions regarding her whereabouts, Kate had explained the Cullens were back in the area.

Irina asked if that meant they had given up on the girl now, which angered Kate. Irina had not been witness to their pain, but we had. The whole family was desperate, but none were showing the strain so much as Edward. I had thought there would be jealousy seeing him and knowing he had found his mate, but to see him suffering so much without her was humbling. I knew the intrigue and attraction I had felt for him was nothing compared to what he felt for his mate. He was tortured by her absence, the only thing he could focus on was the search.

The tension between Kate and Irina became too much for me to handle, and I had slipped from the house unheard by either of them over their own raised voices.

I felt a pang of guilt for leaving Carmen and Eleazar to deal with the dispute, it was weak of me. Sighing heavily I took one last sweeping look at the horizon, absorbing the beauty and prepared to make my way down the mountain and home.

Something caught my eye, there was someone out there. Even with my enhanced vision I had difficulty making them out through the distance and heavy snow, but there was definitely someone there.

I took the decline at a run, leaping from outcroppings and landing gracefully on the balls of my feet. I continued to scan the horizon, but the view was momentarily blocked by the small ridges below. It had to be a human though, no vampire would be moving so slowly. It was not unheard of for humans to get stuck out in the storm.

I questioned my decision for a moment; this was risking the secret. I was out here dressed in light pants and a thin sweater, impossible clothing for this temperature not to mention the sun could come out at any moment and light my skin. But to not help them was tantamount to murder. Since discovering we could survive on animal blood my sisters and I had developed great respect for the sanctity of human life.

I needed to get a closer look before I decided anything, I could always knock them unconscious if I needed to. I reached the base of the mountain and took a moment to get my bearings. From the peak it had looked like the figure was heading east, but it wasn’t so easy to see from here. I ran to one of the smaller ridges and scaled it, shading my eyes and scanning the area. I soon spotted the figure, but it was no longer moving, it was curled up on the snow as if sleeping.

I ran forward, fearing I was too late. Even if they were alive when they had lain down they wouldn’t be for long, the temperature here would make sure of it. As I got closer the features were easier to make out, it was a girl. Her long hair fanned around her blown by the fierce wind. She was dressed in tattered sweatpants and a tank top, no shoes. Though this was shocking, it was by no means the most surprising aspect of the scene. What brought me to a halt was the fact the exposed skin I could see, the thin arms and bare feet, were shimmering slightly in the low beams of sunlight fighting to get out from behind a cloud.

She was a vampire.

“Are you okay?” I called, cautious now, for whatever reason she had chosen to lay out here, I was not about to get my own head ripped off for catching her off guard.

There was no response, she did not even twitch. I moved closer, constantly alert for any sign of movement, but there was none. When I was close enough to reach out and touch her I spoke again.

“My name is Tanya, are you okay?”

Again there was no movement; kneeling beside her I tentatively reached out a hand to brush the hair from her face. My breath caught in my throat as I recognized her. How could I not? I had seen her picture every day as I helped them search for her.

“Bella?” I gasped.

She opened her eyes and looked at me pleadingly.

“I want to go home.”

She looked so wretched laying there on the snow, like an abandoned child. I instinctively pulled her to me, falling back so I was seated in the snow. I pulled her into my lap and rocked her. She curled her head under my chin, sobbing incoherently.

“I’ll take you home,” I soothed. “I’ll take you home.”

After a long time words became distinguishable in her broken sobs.

“I tried so hard… I didn’t want to… I’m so sorry… please take me home.”

I gently lifted her face to meet my eyes. “Bella. You are Bella aren’t you?”

She nodded. “How do you know?”

“Because I am a friend of the Cullens, they told me all about you.”

Her face fell and the sobs racked her body again. She was very thin, Carlisle had told me about her being in a coma before the change and it had clearly ravaged her body. But it seemed her body had continued to suffer even after her change. Her eyes were black, the shadows beneath them so deep I feared they would never fade.

“They must hate me for what I did,” she sobbed. “I was trying to help.”

“They don’t hate you, Bella, I can assure you of that. They love you, they haven’t stopped looking for you since the day you ran.”

She looked uncertain and I held her face, forcing her to look me in the eye, to see my sincere expression.

“Bella, they haven’t stopped searching for you in over two years.”

“But it can’t be!” she protested. “I didn’t… I wasn’t… _two_ years?”

She looked confused and I knew she was having trouble keeping up.

“When did you last hunt?” I asked.

“I can’t remember,” she sighed. “There was a bear before I was in the water and then when I got out it didn’t seem to matter anymore.

 _In the water?_ I had so many questions, but first she had to feed, she would be stronger, then we could talk properly. I scented the air, but there was nothing even remotely close.

I eased her from my lap and stood holding out a hand to her. “Come with me."

She took my hand and clambered to her feet. This was all so wrong. She was a vampire she should move with the same grace and speed as I did, not these clumsy human actions. I had never seen a vampire with eyes so dark, I didn’t know if it was a result of her lack of feeding or something more, but it worried me.

I put one arm around her waist and half guided her, half carried her, through the snow.

“Where are we going?” she asked.

“I am going to find you something to eat,” I said distractedly searching the air. I caught the scent of caribou close by and directed our path toward it.

There were in fact three, they were standing atop a snow covered hillock lazily looking around them. I released Bella, expecting her to immediately drop into a hunting crouch and stalk them, but she merely stood looking at me.

“Aren’t you thirsty?”

“I’m not sure,” she said doubtfully. “Two years?” Clearly the thirst had addled her brains a little, as that was not a standard response to my inquiry.

“Yes, two years,” I said patiently.

“You really need to hunt, to take you home we will have to pass places where there will be humans and I don’t want you to lose control.”

I leapt at the caribou and snapped their necks one after the other.

“They don’t smell good anyway,” she said with shrug, then dropped to her knees beside one of the downed caribou. She bit down on the throat and I smelled the blood as it flowed into her open mouth.

“That’s better,” I praised as she gulped at the blood. “Do you feel–“

My words were cut off as an invisible force lifted me from my feet and sent me flying through the air, landing me in a snowdrift a hundred yards away.

What the fuck was that?

I pushed fruitlessly against the force holding me in place. “Bella, help me!” I called out to her, but she was lost in her hunt. All I could do was lay and watch her devour the caribou one after the other. She didn’t even seem to mind their rapidly cooling blood.

When she finished the third she rose to her feet, graceful now, a vampire again and looked for me.

“Oh crap!” Her hands flew to her mouth when she caught sight of me. “I’m sorry.”

The pressure holding me vanished and she ran to my side.

“What the hell was that?” I asked springing to my feet.

“I’m sorry, it was me. I haven’t felt it for so long, and when I felt you behind me it sort of sprung out on its own.”

“You have the power to send me flying through the air and the Cullens didn’t think to mention it!” I asked, speaking more to myself than expecting any real answers. She didn’t provide any, she merely shrugged awkwardly.

I could see the difference the hunt had made to her already. Her eyes were still dark, but there was now hint of deep gold rather than the pitch black. The shadows beneath her eyes were slightly lighter. I thought it would take more than a few caribou to make them go away.

“Do you feel better?” I asked.

“Much, I know I am starting to sound like a broken record here, but has it really been two years?”

“Two years, two months and eleven days to be precise,” I said. “How long did you think it had been?”

“Well I came out of the water ten nights ago, but before that I lost track, I thought it had been a couple of months at the most.”

“It’s Christmas eve,” I said. “Guess you’ll be the best gift they’ll be getting. They will be so happy to see you.”

She looked scared and on the verge of running.

“You are going back aren’t you, Bella?” I said sternly. “You _have_ to go back, they have missed you so much and Edward… well he’s so messed up there aren’t even words.”

“What’s wrong with him?” she asked frantically. “What happened?”

“You happened,” I said then seeing her look of incomprehension I continued. “He has been without his mate for two years. You left and he has been heartbroken ever since.”

She didn’t believe me, I could tell and then I felt understanding dawn. “Bella, why did you leave?”

“I was trying to save him,” she said sadly. “I knew if I stayed he would be bound to me by his guilt and that’s not fair. I left so he could have his family back, they could all be together again and happy.”

She clenched her fists her expression tortured. “I tried so hard to stay away, but I missed them so much it hurt. I couldn’t bear it. I came out of the water and I have been following his directions ever since. But I would get tired and have to lay down, and then you found me.”

There was so much wrong in that speech I didn’t know where to start. I figured the beginning was as good a place as any.

“Edward loves you. I know there were some bad things said when he left you before, but I promise you Bella, he loves you. He is a complete basket case without you. As for them being together and happy they aren’t. They have been apart and miserable ever since you left. They are only together now for Christmas and because Esme insisted.”

She still didn’t believe me, and I knew I would have to be cruel to make her understand. “The only thing stopping Edward from going to Italy and asking for death is the fact he believes you are still out there somewhere.”

She flinched back. “No, he wouldn’t do that!”

“Really? You sure about that?” I asked, seeing the doubt in her eyes.

I saw the exact moment she understood. It dawned on her like the sun emerging from behind a cloud. Her whole stance changed, she stood straight, her dark eyes now lightened from within, with the realization. 

“That’s why… the voice… and they’re here… he brought me…” she muttered to herself.

I waited impatiently for her to start speaking sense, but it was a long time coming. She paced back and forth muttering and running her hands through her hair. The similarities between her and how Edward had been before all this happened were incredible. She looked a lot like he did the time I first made my interest known. I half expected her to say ‘naturally I’m flattered, but I don’t think we are compatible’ just as he had that day.

Finally she stopped her pacing and turned to me, a brilliant smile on her face.

“Tanya, I want to go home.”


	40. I'll Be Back

**Bella POV**

I didn’t go back straight away. As desperate as I was to see them I also knew if I appeared on their door looking like I did now it would upset them, so Tanya took me back to her home.

As we approached the house I heard raised voices and tensed, fighting the urge to run.

“It’s okay,” Tanya soothed, taking my hand. “My sisters are just having a disagreement.”

She led me through the double doors and into a wide entrance hall, calling names as she went. “Eleazar, Carmen, Kate, Irina.”

I heard soft footfalls as they approached. I half hid behind Tanya as they entered the room, feeling like a child again under their scrutinizing eyes. The first was a woman with long dark brown hair, she had a soft, gentle face that made me think of Esme. Her easy smile vanished when she saw me, her hand flew to her chest.

“You’re Bella, Edward’s Bella,” she gasped.

The soft footfalls became a thunder as others rushed in behind her. A dark haired male came to her side and wrapped an arm around her. He was average height, but had a commanding presence, he surveyed me appraisingly. Whether to gauge me as a threat or for some other reason I didn’t know, but it made me uncomfortable.

Two blonde females followed him in, one with a welcoming smile, the other with an expression of such loathing it made me shrink back against the wall. The barrier around me flexed ready to fly from me, but I held it in.

“This is Bella,” Tanya introduced. “Bella, this is Eleazar, Carmen, Kate and Irina,” she gestured to them each in turn as she spoke. “Bella has been… away and is going to get cleaned up here before going home.”

They must know my story, but they nodded and smiled anyway as if it was perfectly normal for missing vampires to show up at their house dressed like Little Orphan Annie. All except Irina, her lip curled back over her teeth in a fierce snarl.

“You bring _her_ here!” she accused. “She is the reason Laurent is dead and you expect us to make her welcome?”

“She _is_ welcome,” Kate said, turning to face her sister, an equally fierce snarl on her own face. “Laurent is dead because he tried to kill Bella, Edward’s mate. He deserved what he got.”

Even though the situation was so tense I couldn’t help the thrill of pleasure that shot through me when she spoke. I was Edward’s mate, I got to be with him forever. I was pulled from my ecstatic pondering by an irate scream as Irina crouched to leap at Kate. The barrier shot out automatically, encasing all but Irina and she collided with it.

“Irina you have to stop this,” Tanya said sadly. “Attacking your own sister? This is not who you are?"

“You know nothing about me now!” she spat, then shot through the front door and disappeared into the snow.

Tanya called after her but there was no response.

“I’m sorry,” I apologized. “I didn’t mean to, it’s automatic.”

“It’s not your fault,” Kate assured me. “She will come back eventually, she always does. What the hell was that anyway?”

“Shield.” Eleazar said, speaking for the first time, his voice was deep and measured, with a hint of a Spanish accent. It was a comforting sound and made him seem a little less intimidating. “You are a shield aren’t you?”

“I don’t know how to explain it,” I began hesitantly. “Sometimes it just happens, I have only been able to use it at will a couple of times…”

The shocked faces of the Cullens as I held them to the wall flashed behind my eyes. “Mostly I have to concentrate on not letting it fly out.”

“I can’t get a clear read,” he said, sounding a little put out. He reminded me of Carlisle when he was doing his research and something wasn’t working out for him. “Can you drop the second layer completely?”

“Drop what?” Tanya asked, but I understood.

I focused on the gossamer fine veil that covered me and allowed it to fall slightly. It was an uncomfortable sensation to be without it, I felt vulnerable and naked.

Eleazar sucked in a shocked breath between his teeth, startling me. The lighter ‘shield’ as he called it snapped back into place at once.

“Eleazar, what is it?” Carmen asked, her hand on his cheek.

“Such power,” he said with a hint of longing. “You have no idea do you?”

“I don’t understand,” I said feeling anxious now.

“Eleazar is able to sense gifts in others, he can see the type and strength of the gift.” Tanya explained then turned to him. “How _much_ power? What did you see?”

“She is a shield, both mental and physical, but there is more. I cannot see exactly what it is, but the power in her is astounding.”

They were all looking at me like they expected me to burst into song at any moment. It was a combination of curiosity and envy. I didn’t like it.

I cleared my throat unnecessarily. “I’m sure this shield thing is important, but I’d really like to get cleaned up now. I want to go home."

Tanya snapped to attention. “Of course, I’m sorry, Bella, come with me.”

She led me up the stairs and into a sumptuous bathroom. At any other time I would be eager to take time to explore the room, soak in the monster tub, but all I wanted now was to get cleaned up and back to Edward and my family. The mere thought of them made me smile and I hugged my arms around myself savoring the feeling.

“There are toiletries in the cabinet and towels by the sink. Use whatever you need and I will try and find you some clothes that will fit,” Tanya said, then left; clicking the door shut behind her.

I stepped under the hot spray of the shower scrubbing the dirt from my skin and hair, noting even in my haste that the last time I had been able to do this for myself was the morning I left to visit La Push with Jacob. It felt good to have some control back, even of the simplest things. Once I was clean, I stepped out of the shower and wrapped a towel around myself.

I headed for the bedroom again, but movement on my left made me hiss and jump back.

“You okay in there?” Tanya asked from outside the door. When I didn’t answer she rushed in. “What’s the matter?” she asked seeing me pressed back against the shower door, my eyes fixed on the opposite wall.

“That’s _me?”_ I asked incredulously staring at the dripping wet girl in the mirror.

“Well yeah. Have you not seen your new face yet?” she considered for a moment, “I guess you wouldn’t have, not many mirrors at the bottom of the ocean. Come get a proper look.”

She pulled me closer to the mirror, and I saw my trepidation in the bizarre reflection.

I was so different and yet the same. My features were smoothed, all imperfections vanished. The small scar I had on my temple from a motorbike lesson was gone, replaced with flawless skin. My eyes were dark, only a hint of gold around the edges and the shadows beneath them were so deep they looked like they would be permanently etched there. I was much thinner than I had been before, even after the post-Edward breakdown.

“What do you think?” she asked.

“It doesn’t look like me,” I said honestly. “I know it is me, I’m not stupid, it’s just so different.”

“Very pretty though,” she said brightly.

I searched my face for any sign of my human self, any flaw, but there were none. My eyes were still a little too wide, but now they were balanced by high cheekbones, my lips were now fuller and sensuous looking, but one was a little fuller than the other. I guess that was as good as it got.

“Pretty,” I said with a nod.

I refused to obsess over this any longer, Edward loved me and he would accept this new me, I was sure of it. This new confidence in his love was unexpected, but it also felt right. Like my understanding of the layers of the shield, it was as if I had always known these things, but had been unable to accept them for what they were.

“I found some clothes Alice left last time she was here,” Tanya said. “The pants will be far too short, but at least they will be right around the waist.”

“Thank you,” I said, gratefully getting dressed, I was so desperate to get back to Edward I would have dressed in Eleazar’s clothes and not cared. 

She laughed at my haste. “Come on lover girl, let’s get you back to your man.”

We hurried downstairs to where Eleazar and Carmen were waiting by the door.

“I am sorry you are not staying longer, but I know there are some people waiting very anxiously for you.”

I was confused. “How do they know?”

“I may have called them and told them we were sending a gift,” Kate said brightly. “Oh don’t look like that, I didn’t tell them who it was, I just wanted them to have something to look forward to,” she defended, seeing Tanya’s glare.

“It’s okay,” I assured them. “I like that they know something is coming, if I caught them off guard Emmett may have me in a headlock before he realized who it was.”

“I don’t want to hold you up, but I would like it very much if you would come back when you are a little more settled,” Eleazar said. “Though you may not realize it yet, that shield of yours is a potent gift and I would like to help you learn to manage it.”

“Absolutely,” I said with a smile. I was interested in learning control of this strange talent, though I would have agreed to return for tap dancing lessons too if it hastened my moment of departure.

He smiled warmly. “Good luck, Bella. I would hunt on the way home if I was you.” My finger automatically came up to the shadow beneath my right eye. “They will fade, you will need to hunt frequently for a time, but eventually they will go.”

I nodded my thanks, then with a wave I followed Tanya out of the door.

“I’ll take you halfway,” she said, “and then you should be able to follow their scent the rest of the way back.”

“Thank you so much,” I said taking her hand. “I don’t know what would have happened if not for you.”

“You’d have found your way back to them eventually, the heart always takes you home.”

I liked that, it was the voice of my heart I had followed after all, it used Edwards voice, but it was leading me back to them all the while.

We ran for miles across the frozen tundra, my excitement giving me speed beyond what I’d had when we were running to her house. As I ran I inhaled deeply waiting for the moment I would catch their scent, it didn’t take long. A delighted laugh burst from me as I recognized the sweet familiar scent that I knew was Edward.

“I will leave you here,” she said, coming to a halt.

I waved my farewell and ran on following the sweet honeysuckle scent, new smells joined it and then departed. I recognized them as the rest of the family, they must have been hunting together. I had only smelled them for a short time as a vampire, but I could differentiate between them all, knowing which belonged to each of them. It was as if they had been burned into my heart when I was gone.

Edward’s scent grew stronger and I slowed my pace slightly. Focusing on the direction, it led me to a small copse of trees.

And there he was.

He was laying in the snow, staring up at the sky, perfectly still. He must have heard my footsteps as he closed his eyes, looking annoyed. 

“I’ll be home soon, just give me a little longer. _Please_.”

“Can I come?” I asked quietly.

His eyes snapped open and he leapt to his feet, his light gold eyes searching the trees. I was concealed by a thick spruce and stayed hidden a moment longer. Just absorbing the sight of him.

“If this is a joke Emmett. I swear I will…” he grappled for a suitable threat and I stepped out at last.

“No joke, just me.”

His eyes widened when he caught sight of me, his jaw dropping open. I was drinking him in with my eyes, memorizing every feature of his perfect face. The way he was looking at me made me sure he was doing the same.

“Bella?” he asked disbelievingly, his voice no more than a whisper.

“Hello, Edward.”

The next thing I knew I was thrown back in the snow, his weight pinning me as he straddled my legs. He held my face in his hands staring deep into my eyes.

“It’s really you.”

“It’s really me.” I lifted a hand and gently traced the contours of his cheeks as they lifted into my favorite crooked smile.

“I’m sorry-” we both said then laughed.

“I’m sorry,” he said again. “I’m sorry for leaving you, I wanted to protect you, but I screwed up and you were hurt. I never wanted to leave, I didn’t think I had a choice, and then I came back and you were so ill and I-“ He was babbling now and I pressed a finger to his lips to stop him. He fell silent, staring at me with an expression of adoration.

“I know,” I said simply. “I love you too.”

His full weight pressed against me as he clung to me, peppering my face and neck with kisses. “I love you, Bella, I love you so much. Please don’t leave me again.” His last words came out as a desperate plea and he lost control. His face pressed into my neck, his body shook with the sobs.

I sat up, shifting him to sit beside me. He clung tighter, as if fearing I was about to disappear again. Given my recent actions it wasn’t a completely foolish expectation.

“Shh, it’s okay. I’m not going anywhere,” I wrapped my arms around him and stroked his hair. He pressed his face to my chest, directly above my now silent heart.

After an immeasurable amount of time his sobs trailed off, but he didn’t lift his head. “Where were you?” he asked, and there was a definite hint of accusation in his tone.

“I was hiding,” I said honestly. “I will tell you, but I only want to do it once and I think the rest of the family deserve to know too.”

“They hate me,” he stated it baldly, no accusation now.

“I know that’s not true. They love you.”

He laughed mirthlessly. “I hear their thoughts, they blame me for everything. Rightly so, I screwed up.”

“We all screwed up, and we all have a measure of blame to accept, especially me. I made some bad choices and I forced them into a impossible situation. Especially Rose.”

He looked up at me now, his beautiful face tortured. “She told me what she promised. Your arrangement. She feels horrible for betraying you. She blames herself for you running almost as much as she blames me.”

I felt a surge of remorse for what I asked of her, it was cruel of me. Though I doubted any of them truly understood how I had felt all those months trapped in my body.

“I have a lot of apologizing to do. Are you ready to go home?”

His face brightened. “Home?”

“Yes, home. Take me home to our family, Edward.”

He got to his feet and held out a hand for me. I took it and together we ran through the trees. It was exhilarating to run beside Edward, the wind rushing in my face, I felt free.

Voices reached me and I ground to a sudden halt as I recognized them as Jasper and Emmett. Edward looked back at me beaming and I pressed a finger to my lips, indicating that I wanted to sneak up on them.

We crept together, the snowy ground muffling our footsteps. They were standing together at the base of an enormous fir tree arguing about something. I paid no attention to their words, I was just enjoying hearing their wonderful voices and inhaling their familiar scents.

I wanted to run at them and hold them to me, never letting go, but I had another idea that appealed to me far more. Focusing on the joy I felt seeing them again I tapped out my emotions for the first time in over two years.

_‘Hi boys, you miss me?’_


	41. Epilogue - All Together Now

**Jasper POV**

I missed Bella.

It had been eight-hundred and thirty-six days since she had run, and every single one of them weighed heavily on us all.

Each of us was caught in our own guilt, thinking of things we should have done or said, or in Edward and Rosalie’s case, not done. The guilt from the pair of them in the immediate aftermath of Bella’s change was staggering.

It was easier to cope with when we were searching for her. We could take comfort in the fact we were doing something productive. We started out as a group, joined by the Denalis, and then later paired off as we widened the search area. Alice and I had gone to South America; Emmett and Rosalie to Europe; while Carlisle, Esme and Edward searched North America.

Edward had wanted to search alone, but Esme had refused him, fearing that he would return to the empty solitude he had drowned in while in Rio. When those locations had proved useless, we had travelled further afield. In fact, I don’t think there was a country left we hadn’t scoured for sign of her.

We met other vampires on our travels, and word had spread of our search. Bella was now probably one of the most recognizable vampires around as we showed her picture to whoever we met.

The one place we hadn’t searched was Volterra. Carlisle had suggested it, but it had been voted down. Though they would be helpful in our search, they would also find out about her shield and its potency. Aro would covet her for his guard. Though none of us said it, given the way she had left us, we feared she may accept the offer. The thought of Bella in those ashen grey robes was repugnant.

She was too innocent to be dragged into that dark side of our world. At least she had been innocent then, who knew what she was like now. It was possible she had not maintained the vegetarian diet. Though her first hunt had been animal, she was a newborn alone in the world of humans. The temptation must have been immense.

Now we were together again for the holidays, Esme had insisted upon it. None of us had been able to bear the thought of returning to Forks. That was Bella’s home, and it felt wrong to be there without her. Instead, we had come to Denali; close enough to visit Tanya’s coven, but not so close we were on each other’s doorsteps. Or so we thought.

I was reading with Alice in the lounge when Tanya burst through the door. She was radiating excitement which felt oddly out of place among the hushed seriousness of the rest of us. It jarred me, like hearing laughter at a funeral.

My instinct had been to shout at her, to make her leave. But it was not her fault. With all the time we spent searching, we seemed to have forgotten that it was only our personal universe that had ground to a halt. The rest of the world kept on living.

Tanya’s outright jubilation was a little too much for me to handle, especially as she seemed to be determined to remain close lipped as to what had her so hyped. When Esme suggested Emmett and I go find a tree for us to decorate, I jumped at the chance. 

So now I was standing in the forest while Emmett analyzed each tree, working to some demented system I didn’t understand. He would scale the tree, shake the branches to check needle retention, then poke at the trunk for a while followed by a lot of sniffing. All the while I stood beneath getting showered by needles, rapidly losing patience. 

“Will you just pick a fucking tree already?” I snarled. Finally driven past breaking point when a marten landed on my head, shaken from its branch by the wannabe tree surgeon.

“You in a hurry to go back there, Mr. Emotional Climate? ‘Cause I sure as shit ain’t,” Emmett retorted, looking down at me.

He had a point. As annoying as it was to be used as a landing strip for unsuspecting animals, it was better than being back at that house.

“You could just pick a tree, then we can hunt,” I suggested.

“I could, but where would the fun in that be?”

“Hi boys, you miss me?” The words came from my mouth without thought or hesitation.

Emmett jumped down beside me. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I don’t know I felt something…” I trailed off, excitement pulsing through me, but not only my own; someone close by was feeling extremely excited.

I scanned the trees. I couldn’t see anything, but there was someone coming; I could hear their steady footsteps.

I waited, hope burgeoning in my chest.

_Could it be?_

“Hey, Edward,” Emmett called, cutting into my thoughts and crushing my happiness.

I nodded a greeting to him and tried to shield my thoughts. I looked up again. Though he was trying to hide his smile, he couldn’t hide his emotions. He was ecstatic.

“You okay, Edward?” I asked hesitantly. This sudden switch from his usual black hole of despair was a little worrying.

“Oh, he’s fine,” a melodious voice answered, “he’s just in a good mood is all.”

Out of the trees stepped a smiling, beautiful vampire. I closed my eyes, sure I was hallucinating.

“Bella!” Emmett roared elatedly.

Apparently I wasn’t the only one hallucinating.

I opened my eyes in time to see Bella disappear under Emmett’s enormous form as he charged at her, knocking her to the ground in his excitement.

“Hey, Emmett,” she said laughing.

Edward dragged Emmett off of her, his concern evident.

“Are you okay, love?”

“Course I am,” she said brightly. “Vampire remember?”

I guess some habits were too hard to break. Though he smiled, he still radiated concern.

She stood up dusting the snow from her clothes, then looked at me.

_‘Hi, Jasper.’_

“Hey, darlin’.” My smile was so wide it felt like it would break my face.

Seeing her again was wonderful, but _feeling_ her emotions talking to me again was out of this world.

We moved as one. She ran forward and leapt at me as I opened my arms and caught her. She wrapped her legs round my waist and I clutched her to me, fearing if I let her go she would disappear again.

 _‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry,’_ she chanted through the haze of her happiness.

“Me too,” I said, stroking her hair.

“Ahem,” Emmett said with theatrical seriousness.

She giggled, and I released her, watching the easy grace of her movements. I had spent so long with her as an expressionless, immobile form in a hospital bed that it seemed odd to see her so animated and alive. The only time I had seen her as a vampire was as she had fled from us, and that was not a memory I savored.

“You look thirsty,” Emmett said.

She looked more than thirsty, she looked damn near starved. “Shit Bella, how long did you gone without feeding?” I asked.

She shifted uncomfortably. “I hunted earlier today.

Though she spoke the truth, she was also hiding something. I appraised her, trying to make sense of her emotions. She caught my eye and smiled wickedly, a split second later her emotions cut off.

“What the hell?” I gasped.

She giggled. I had never seen her so happy.

“Something wrong, Jasper?” she asked innocently.

“Not a thing.” I replied, trying to hide my unease.

_‘Liar.’_

Edward cocked his head to the side for a moment, concentrating. “Esme is getting worried,” he said. “She is thinking of sending Carlisle out here. Aren’t you supposed to be finding her a tree?”

“Screw that!” Emmett said happily. “I’m taking home something way better than a tree.” He grabbed Bella and swung her over his shoulder as she laughed.

“Race you back!” she suggested, slapping Emmett’s rump. “Come on, Grizz, we can take ‘em.”

With a roar of laughter, he bounded off towards the house, Edward and I following. Encumbered by Bella’s weight Emmett was unable to get up much speed despite Bella’s encouragement, and Edward and I reached the house first.

“We’re home,” Emmett called as he burst though the front door. “And you’ll never guess what we found.”

“Did you get a tree?” Esme asked coming from the kitchen drying her hands on a dishcloth. She caught sight of Bella’s legs dangling over Emmett’s chest.

“Oh, sorry I didn’t know we had guests…” Emmett shifted setting Bella on her feet. Esme stood frozen, her eyes wide.

“Bella?”

“Hi, Mom,” Bella said meekly.

I heard a stampede of running footsteps as the others raced into the room at the sound of her voice.

Alice let out a squeal of joy and launched herself at Bella just as Emmett had done. Alice’s slight form was not nearly as powerful though, instead of being knocked to the floor, Bella was able to keep her feet with Alice hanging off her like a monkey.

Esme snapped out of her shock-induced inertia, encasing Bella - and the still attached Alice - into a fierce embrace.

“I missed you so much… don’t do that to me again… are you okay… you need to hunt…” Even to vampire ears Esme’s words were hard to make out. She spoke so fast the words bled into one another.

Alice dropped her death grip and stood again, grinning from ear to ear. Esme wrapped her arm around Bella’s waist, not yet ready to release her as Carlisle approached.

He didn’t speak; he just looked into her eyes, tracing the deep shadows beneath. He kissed her forehead, then wrapped her in his arms. Bella leant her head on his chest and smiled.

_‘Home.’_

Rosalie was the only one that hadn’t greeted Bella. She stood nervously by the staircase, watching the scene as an outsider. Bella lifted her head from Carlisle’s chest and gently extricated herself from his grip.

The emotions coming from the two of them were intense, both in the power and difference. Rosalie was nervous, with the undercurrent of happiness everyone else was feeling. Bella was happy, but guilty. She raised a hand and Rosalie flinched as if expecting her to strike her. Bella pushed a lock of hair out of her face, and then touched her forehead to Rosalie’s.

“I’m sorry,” Rosalie whispered.

“I shouldn’t have asked,” Bella replied.

I didn’t have the faintest idea what they were talking about - but whatever it was, Bella’s words opened a floodgate in Rosalie. Her knees buckled and Bella caught her, as she sobbed into her chest.

“Jeez, Bella, what did you do to her?” Tanya asked, walking in from the kitchen. I had forgotten she was even here, it seemed she was giving us privacy for our reunion, but curiosity had drawn her out.

“You know, Bella?” Edward asked. “How?”

Tanya locked eyes with Bella and she nodded.

“Em,” Bella said, looking significantly at Rosalie who was still sobbing into her front.

He gently removed Rosalie’s hands from Bella’s shirt. Leading her to the couch, he sat and pulled her onto his lap. The rest of us took seats around them. Bella sat in the lone armchair, pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. It was a defensive stance and made her look small, almost childlike.

“So, where do we start?” she asked with a nervous smile.

“Why did you run? Where did you go? What was Rosie talking about? What did you ask her to do? How do you know Tanya? Why did you stay away so long?” Emmett blurted his questions at such speed it sounded like machine gun fire.

Bella laughed. “Want to pick one to start with, Em?”

“Why did you run?” Carlisle asked, leaning forward in his seat.

It was the question that had tormented us all for two years. Each of us questioning our decisions, wondering if there was something we could have said or done to make a difference. 

She took a deep steadying breath and rested her chin on her knees, looking wretched. I sent her a wave of calm, and she smiled sadly at me.

“I ran because I didn’t think it was fair for Edward to be forced to stay with me out of guilt.” Edward opened his mouth to speak, but Bella held up a hand to silence him. “I know now I was wrong, but I was desperate.”

“I thought you were happier,” Esme said sadly. “Before you said it was time you seemed so full of life. You were ordering us all around, making plans for the future.”

“I was,” she said with a sad smile. “I was making plans for _your_ future, not mine.”

It clicked in my mind. Why she was so forceful, how she seemed determined to make us all accomplish the things we had procrastinated over for so long. It was _so_ Bella. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen it sooner.

“I don’t think any of you can truly understand what those months were like for me. To be trapped like that, hearing you talk about me as a shell, then to hear my mother had died because of me,” she shuddered. “Jasper was the only one who could feel even a fraction of my grief. I love you all, but the thought of an eternity of that pain was too much to bear.”

I shifted uncomfortably. I had _known_ she was grieving, and yet I had been determined she should be changed anyway. I was selfish and cruel.

“But why did you run? Did you hate us for what he had done?” Rosalie asked, her voice still sad.

“I didn’t hate you,” she said thoughtfully. “I was angry at first, but I got over it. I was more upset at the consequences for Edward. I thought he didn’t want me, and yet would stay with me out of his screwed up sense of responsibility. I thought by taking myself out of the equation, I was freeing him. _I was wrong_ ,” she said the last bitterly.

“What made you believe?” Edward asked. “I am ecstatic that you know the truth now, but I don’t understand what kept you away so long.”

“First of all, I didn’t realize how long I was gone. I thought it had been a few months at the most. As for what made me believe, it was a combination of Tanya and your voice.”

“My voice?” Edward asked, his confusion evident.

She smiled, her eyes distant as if she was seeing something other than the room we were gathered in. “I used to hear your voice. After you left, I would hear it when I was doing something you would call dangerous.”

“Dangerous how?” Emmett asked curiously. “What did you do?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” she said with a wicked smile. “The point is I heard the voice. The last time I heard it as a human was the night of the attack. Edward spoke to me, telling me to fight when I was… well you get the idea.”

She had heard his voice when she lay dying.

Edward’s eyes snapped to mine, horrified. _I think it would have comforted her. Don’t feel guilty,_ I thought to him, and his expression softened a little.

“Then when I was running I heard it again, at first I thought it was him following me…” She looked sad, her emotions showed she was reliving a painful memory, and it was not difficult to imagine what it was.

She shook her head as if to clear it, and continued. “It spoke to me, and I figured if I couldn’t have the real Edward, the voice would do. I hid and lost myself in my memories and his voice. It was hard to keep track of time where I was, so I thought it had only been a matter of months.”

“Where did you hide?” I asked. “We searched everywhere and never found a trace of you.”

Her expression darkened, and I thought she was going to refuse to tell us.

“Bella,” Tanya said sternly. “They need to know.”

“I hid in the water,” she said evasively.

Tanya huffed impatiently. “She hid at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.”

“I don’t understand, you can’t have been there the whole time. Where did you go after that?” Emmett asked. 

“I came out of the water about two weeks ago,” Bella said reluctantly.

It sounded like a wind had blown though the house as we all reacted with hisses and gasps.

“How did you not go mad?” Carlisle asked.

He once told me how he had attempted to drown himself in a quest to end his life after his change. He had stayed at the bottom of the Thames for a week. The thought of Bella being immersed for so long was horrifying.

“Did you not hear the part about the voices? I don’t think I was Sally Sanity most of the time,” she said with a laugh, breaking the tension. “I finally reached breaking point two weeks ago. I couldn’t stay away any longer and Edward - or rather his voice - told me where to go. I was near Mount McKinley when Tanya found me. She helped me and told me you had been searching for me. She told me about Edward, and that is how I came to believe. I think I had known it since I heard his voice for the first time, but it wasn’t until she told me that I truly accepted it.”

A long silence followed as we all processed what she had told us. I felt a powerful wave of relief, there was nothing I could have done. She wasn’t running from us because of what we had done, but because she was trying to save us. Judging from the emotions of the others, they were all coming to the same realization.

“Now you are back, you are staying,” Esme said eventually. It was not a question, but a statement of fact. 

“Yep,” Bella said with a wide grin. “I will have to visit Eleazar. He’s got a bug up his butt about my shield.”

Carlisle’s interest sparked. “How is that working? Do you have control of it?”

“Hell no,” Emmett announced. “You can play mad scientist later, Bella is mine for the next few hours.”

“I am?” she asked, quirking an eyebrow. 

“Yep, you are going to learn to hunt,” he said happily.

“Umm… I already know how to hunt.”

“Maybe, maybe not, but I was looking forward to teaching you and now you are going to be taught. Okay?” He was determined and bordering on giddy with his excitement.

Bella still looked uncertain. He jumped to his feet and barreled towards her, no doubt preparing to throw her over his shoulder again, but he didn’t get the chance. One second he was charging at her, the next he was flat on his face as if he had been caught on an invisible trip wire.

Bella grinned down at him, then turned to Carlisle. “What do you think? That good control of my shield?”

Carlisle beamed proudly as Emmett clambered to his feet.

“Come on, Em, teach me your masterful hunting technique,” she said with a grin.

Emmett slung her over his shoulder, and Edward jumped up to join them.

“Hang on a sec,” she commanded, crooking a finger at Edward. He approached her slowly, and she gripped the back of his neck and pulled him to her; their lips meeting in a searing kiss.

“Hey now, plenty of time for that later,” Emmett scolded.

“An eternity in fact,” Bella said, as Emmett carried her out of the door.

Eternity, that sounded like a good place to start. 

**~ FINIS ~**


End file.
